| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/25/2009 4:46:12 PM | | I am just curious here.. I have met with and clicked with a few women and things were great until they found out I had an 8 yr old son ( he doesnt live with me, he lives an hour and a half away,but I do have visitation on everyother weekend and some holidays). I have two older children ( 22 and 20) and they never seemed to be an issue. I never hid this fact in discussions we have had ( I always talk about my kids I am one heck of a proud father) but they ran like the wind when they found out about the youngest one. Now I understand some may wary of any babymama drama that may occur down the road, and one was very honest on that topic. My question is this. Does anyone find themselves in this situation with having a younger child as a deal breaker ? I would love to hear from both sides here. From anyone who may have younger child ,and from those for whom, a younger child is a dealbreaker issue for them. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/25/2009 5:20:49 PM | Well you profile does note
I have been single now for nearly six years and my work schedule and time with my youngest son keep me busy so maybe they feel you really will not have as much time for them? And talking all the time about ones child(ren) rather than talking more with the woman can be a big turn off. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/25/2009 5:38:54 PM | | ty for the comment zen. I wouldnt really think 3 days out of 14 and the holidays I do have with him would be taking that much time away from a realtionship in its early stages or later ones for that matter. While I do like to talk about them (the kids) when the topic comes up they aren't all I talk about perhaps I could have worded that better. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/25/2009 5:41:56 PM | when we were both in our 50s, a man I was casually dating found himself to be the proud papa of an infant ... we continued dating intermittently ... BUT ... when the boy was 4, the mother decided she wanted my friend to have full custody ... so there he was, pushing 60 years old with full custody of his 4-year-old son ... that ended whatever traveling we might have been able to do ... we stopped dating because he had his hands full, raising his son ... overseeing the kid's education, church, tee-ball, gymnastics, karate ... that stuff takes a LOT of time! been there, done that and not sure I'd want to do it again ... but I'm ... O.L.D.!!!
Molly ...  | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/25/2009 5:52:03 PM | Ive been dating a mature man with an 8 yr old daughter that he adores and idolizes - it interfered with our dating. He treated her like a lil Goddess and everything revolved around her.
He would not allow me to meet her even after 10 months of us dating and it has finally ended our relationship.
I dont think he will ever have a longterm relationship because he puts his child first with everything (as it should be) BUT not to obsession!
I will be very wary in future of dating a man with a young child. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/25/2009 5:55:25 PM | | OP - for me it's a deal breaker. It's just where I am at, in my life. I don't care who says what, those with young children don't have the ability to just get up and go. Also, if the relationship progresses towards marriage, there could be legal implications as far as child support goes. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/25/2009 5:57:07 PM | i'm sorry to say that small children would be a deal-breaker for me.
not being able to have them myself, i discovered that most of my "friends" over my adult life dropped me out of their lives like a hot potato when they had children.
maybe they were concerned that i would be hurt by being reminded of my sterility, i don't know. i just never had the opportunity to get used to them. i have a niece and nephew, but they never lived in close proximity to me until they were 10 and 12.
it's just not something i could handle at this point in my life. 12 and up is no problem - i'm teaching a friend's daughter (she's 12) to sew and she comes over for a couple of hours every few weeks and we play with fabric and then have tea and listen to music and i really enjoy the time we have together. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/25/2009 6:02:15 PM | | Someone having young kids is a deal-breaker for me. I have been through the baby mama drama, canceled dates because the kids missed and had to see papa, the kids being traumatized when they found out daddy had a girlfriend. Give me a guy whose kids are grown, or has no kids, period. I am too old for that, and want someone who's been there, done that, and is at a place in his life where he's ready to enjoy himself, and give himself fully and freely to a relationship. | |
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*Don*
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Joined: 1/30/2009
Msg: 9 | |
| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/25/2009 6:04:51 PM | Well sir, from the male perspective and from someone who's an only child and never had children -- (a bit of a loner, it would seem) -- I'm just very uncomfortable around young children. I've lived with them in a previous relationship, and I became so unlike myself, living in that environment, that the relationship finally needed to end. There were other factors too, but a lot of it had to do with how 'uncomfortable' it was for me to live with young children.
I realize that my situation is closer to the extreme end, but many older people just don't like the idea that if the relationship should progress well, that they might end up living with, or spending a lot of time with, young children. I hate the term 'deal-breaker', but it would take a very special woman for me to live with younger children -- someone that some pretty heavy-duty chemistry would had to have happened first. I can't see myself initiating anything with a woman with young children still at home.
I realize that my experience is from the wrong gender that you're looking for and perhaps on the 'extreme' end of this topic, but I can sure understand why some women might 'pass' on initiating a relationship with you. But really ... is the fact that some women (and men) don't want to initiate something with someone with young children really such a big problem ?? -- with the amount and variety of single folks that are out there ??
D | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/25/2009 6:09:52 PM | | Op for myself, for the right man a child is no a deal breaker...however my preference would be someone who has grown kids or kids like my own who only need me for an ATM! | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/25/2009 6:18:12 PM | | I am in the same position as Don. I really don't want to be around small children. For some reason none of my friends have children. One of my friends who runs an animal sanctuary often says "people don't understand how we can be comfortable around so many animals, while we don't understand how they can be comfortable around their children". Simply another preference of some people. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/25/2009 6:48:07 PM | The average age of first-time mothers is 25. That means, based on your profile specs, you're looking for a woman whose oldest child is somewhere between 12 and 27. Frankly, I have my doubts about the under-40 women because, honestly IMO...you're just too old for that age group.
Unless you find a mother who has three of more children (and wants another part time) OR you find one who has an OOPS baby, you're asking a potential partner to accept a situation --a young child -- that she wouldn't choose for herself, for at least the next ten years.
In addition, given that your son lives so far away from you, SOMEONE, I am assuming it's you, is spending, at minimum, six hours per visit in travel time to pick up, bring him back to your house, return him, and drive home. Yikes! That is a lot of travel time.
As another poster said -- children's activities can take an enormous amount of time, even without the grueling driving situation you've described and the added potential of custody/financial possibilities.
I am 49-1/2. My youngest is 11. If you were wonderful, insanely handsome, rich as a potentate, and your son was a delightful young man, I'd still hesitate because of the circumstances that you describe. Good thing you aren't desperate, because it might take you a little while to find someone who is accepting.
On the other hand, there is an a$$ for every seat, there are about a jillion women here, and every single one of 'em is looking for a good guy like you.
Keep fishing. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/25/2009 6:57:12 PM | I've been raising children for the past 31 years, and the time I have left, I would like to spend on me. I love my kids madly...and my grandson is an absolute joy, but there is no way I want to go through that again.
For me young children are dealbreakers. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/25/2009 7:30:24 PM | | I'm afraid small children are a deal breaker for me too. I had my children at a young age; raised them virtually on my own since my first husband (their father) passed away when they were very young. I've done the homework at night, the sports games and the recitals, the school plays and programs, the parent-teacher conferences, AND the teen-age drama. I'm very happy to say that I lived through it all and I survived. But I don't wanna go back there.....not even for a little visit now and then. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/25/2009 7:51:23 PM | I'd like to say that small children are a deal breaker....
but I supppose if there isn't drama with the Mama of that child, because that would be more the deal breaker then the child...
the older men with small children that I've met have angry issues with the ex and the manner that the ex are raising that child... too much energy to be spent in that direction and no energy for a relationship... rightly so but not the time for a man/woman relationship.... | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/25/2009 8:36:52 PM | Younger children are not a dealbreaker for me....but then I have one! Maybe that's where you need to look. (Wow, that sounded like a hint but wasn't!  )
I'm just saying that a mom with younger kids might be more understanding of the fact that you have one too. They might also be looking for a similar relationship to the type you say you want and not necessarily be in the market for marriage. Sounds like with your schedule you are going to need someone who's flexible and anyone with kids has to be!
Two more thoughts:
My ex found someone who seemed willing to accept our kids. After three years and mostly because of her, he only has contact with our youngest. Be careful!
And, last, off topic but something for you to think about. As your son gets older, he will have more of his own life. If you have any thoughts to moving closer to where he is, you may want to seriously consider it. Activities, friends, part time jobs...all the normal things that kids do will tie him there and make coming to see you harder as he gets older. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/25/2009 8:58:25 PM | | I would like to thank those who have posted thusfar. There are no issues with the babies momma, but life and parenting are fickle creatures and who knows what the future may hold. I do understand the views shared here and thank-you for taking the time to share them. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/25/2009 9:38:46 PM | I do not consider myself old, and have friends in their fifties and early sixties with young children so it all depends on where one lives I think. I would never live in a community that only had 55+ residents. Am an only child and had an only child. And have loads of Childless By Choice friends.
And OP I am sure there is a special woman who would love you for you....and your child. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/25/2009 10:19:19 PM | | it would not be a dealbreaker for me. I would take the whole picture not simply having a young child. however I dated a man who was widowed with a 12 yr old son with significant problems. he was so "madly in love" so quickly I felt he was trying too hard in seeking a mother for his child. I realize this situation is different...the real issue is are you able to engage in a relationship, and still be a parent, and set those normal boundaries. if so, the child is welcome... | |
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Landra
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Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 22 | |
| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/25/2009 10:47:57 PM | The child himself would not be a deal breaker for me, but this would:
I wouldnt really think3 days out of 14 and the holidays I do have with him would be taking that much time away from a realtionship Being a dad 6 days a month is not something I can deal with. If a man has children, I'd hope he'd parent his child every day, or close to every day. No matter what. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 12:44:30 AM | Everyone's circumstances are different, Landra. My daughter sees her father almost every day, but at enormous personal cost to myself. It's worth it and it's my choice, but not everyone has that choice. And for men who work long hours, it's even more difficult.
OP, it would not be a deal breaker for me. I think children are a blessing. | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 2:02:31 AM | i fost/adopted my teens at age 50 and separated/divorced about four years ago. i found several men who made a big deal about my kids, who were living with me back then. i had a relationship for three years, which ended after last summer and then saw one of their faces drifting above me on pof, who then did a "view me". i laughed and moved along. wonder if he was looking all that time and if settling for me would have at least given him some fullfillment!
i guess it depends upon if you want to do a lot of travelling and if you like kids. mine are a hoot and moreso now that they don't live here. baby sitting with my 4 month old grandson was exhausting but hilarious. i like kids and get to be a kid with them. it would depend upon the kid and how the dad was raising them. if they were dysfunctional, then i would run. it would also depend on the relationship with the birth mom. i guess i do things backwards. had a successful and extensive careeer when most people had kids. now with disability status with post lymes, i am "doing kids". i keep saying, if i keep going backwards, i better not get pregnant at 60!
OP, you are only 46. i'd suggest parents w/o partners! it's crawling with women and they would assume that you have kids. unless, you would not want theirs? | |
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| Younger children as dealbreakers
Posted: 3/26/2009 7:06:22 AM | | Maybe not a deal breaker but definitely an obstacle. I have grandchildren older than that! They are a lot of fun but I see them on my schedule. I'm not responsible for the appointments, school work, or other parental duties. I have a 30 year old and a 16 year old. I have been raising kids all of my adult life. I'm done...well almost. | |
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