| | Ex Moving OnPage 1 of 2 (1, 2) | I am just wondering how other people have dealt with watching their ex move on. This seems to be the most disturbing part of my recent separation for many reasons. To start with, we have 2 great kids together and have a 50/50 custody arrangement so I can't exactly just walk away and never talk to her again. That would probably be the easiest solution, but totally not an option. Since I moved out I have taken the time for me, the soul searching time, the planning time, the self-assessment time, etc, and have come up with some solid goals and plans to move forward. Now I am watching her make all the same decisions that her mom and her best friend made (which have proven in those cases not to be the best choices) and she still hasn't taken any time for herself to figure herself out. She was in a new relationship when I left, and seems to have become totally co-dependent on anyone that will give her attention and sheild her from talking a long hard look in the mirror. In short, I am watching someone I loved, and care about fall down and set themselves up to crash hard and I don't think there is anything I can or should do about it. Can I? Should I? Its a sad and frustrating situation and I am just not sure how to handle it. Of course there is way more I could write about the situation, but really I just wanted to hear how some of you have dealt with this portion of things.
Kevin | |
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| Ex Moving On
Posted: 3/29/2009 10:01:12 AM |
Of course there is way more I could write about the situation, but really I just wanted to hear how some of you have dealt with this portion of things.
You just do. It gets easier with the passage of time. We all have our own paths in life to follow. You just have to realize it's their life to live. | |
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| Ex Moving On
Posted: 3/29/2009 10:03:29 AM | Unless her actions become detrimental to the children's well-being, it is none of your business. And yes, even with children you can walk away from her without walking away from the children. The only conversations you need to have are about the children and the separation.
Face it, guy. Until the ink on the divorce papers are dried, there will be lots of drama. All you can do is try to keep a distance. | |
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| Ex Moving On
Posted: 3/29/2009 10:07:59 AM | When a relationship ends many emotions come into play, grief, sadness, fear and anger. After each of my significant relationships ended, for me all of these emotions came into play, just as they did for my ex's. But in the end I can honestly tell you that I was happy they were able to move on with their lives and my only wish for them was that they were happy in their lives.
As for their choices, well that's just it, those are their choices. Just like know you have to make choices for yourself. I know you feel like you know your ex very well and I am sure you do, but she must have her own reasons for the choices she is making, which you may not understand. When my ex-husband and I divorced, he was making choices that I thought were not good and when he would discuss them with me, I would be honest with him simply because I didn't want to see him make a mistake. However, I would never offer my opinion unsolicited, he would always ask me what I thought.
I think it is nice that you still care for your ex-wife, unless she is coming to you and seeking advice, you really cannot comment on her relationship choices, unless of course it is affecting the kids and then you have every right to step in. Speaking from my own experience, I did not take the much needed healing time I should have after my divorce either and it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life, but after a while of making mistakes and knowing that I had to take a different course in order to get to the place I wanted to be I did take the long look in the mirror and I learned and those mistakes served as quite an education for me.
I think after a while your ex might come to the same conclusion, but she has to get their on her own, she has to realize what she is doing may not be working, you can't do that for her. The best thing that you can do is to be a friend and be supportive and let her find her way. | |
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| Ex Moving On
Posted: 3/29/2009 10:11:51 AM | Ya unfortunately some of her choices are detrimental to the children's well-being... a 10 and 8 yr old being allowed to stay home alone after school until she gets there at 5:00 is just one of many of her bad choices.
I am trying to keep my distance, not give her any advice or assistance and will let her choose and create her own path in life. | |
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| Ex Moving On
Posted: 3/29/2009 10:18:31 AM | Sorry but she's not yours to control anymore, time to move on. Stop watching her & assessing her decisions. It is her life to do as she wants, it is just none of your concern. Break ups suck, but they suck even more when one person won't let go. Get on with your life & stop worrying about her, she's already made one huge mistake, her marriage & she doesn't need you to continuously tell her every decision she is making is wrong.
And single does not mean the same as divorced or separated, re do your profile. | |
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| Ex Moving On
Posted: 3/29/2009 10:19:31 AM | Sad as it may seem, people don’t always make the best choices. Just because you see them making a bad one, doesn’t give you the right to take away their free will. I know it is hard when there are children involved but as long as she is not putting them at risk, there is nothing you can do. Let it go. Some people never take a good look in the mirror. Running around holding one in their face is just going to be frustrating and cause resentment. Maybe she will come around in time, or maybe she will repeat the cycle forever.
Yes, I deal with the same problem, and have for over ten years now. I just tell my daughter to focus on her dad’s good points, and forgive his ignorance about somethings. | |
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| Ex Moving On
Posted: 3/29/2009 10:20:14 AM | | Speak up about the safety and well-being of your children but keep that to what they need, not how she should be a parent or live her life. You can ask her what the kids would do if something happened while they were home alone, and about how they spend their time when they are home alone. Those are the concerns about the kids. Keep the conversation on those concerns, and if she is unable to satisfy you that the kids are safe, the issue is between you and your local child protection agency not between you and their mother. Get custody if you have to. Document your concerns and efforts so if it comes down to a custody hearing you are prepared to present your concerns in a way the court can support. Dealing with her directly is a dead end with muggers waiting in the shadows. | |
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| Ex Moving On
Posted: 3/29/2009 10:22:25 AM | My ex and i still spoke . She got involved with someone immediately after our split. My daughter wanted to be with her mom, and so it was. What i told the ex was this...."I really don't care if it's you, three guys and a mule...if you start screwing up my daughter,i'm coming to get her and the only time you'll see her will be at my house."
Keep your concern applied to the welfare of the kids. There's nothing you can do for the ex. | |
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| Ex Moving On
Posted: 3/29/2009 10:22:53 AM | OP you are looking for some magical thing but there is no one thing you can do when your ex moves on. Many jump into another relationship so they won't feel the pain of breaking up and some just do it because they don't want to be alone.
There is nothing you can do but be mature about it. It is over and her codependency isn't really your concern anymore. As long as this guy isn't bad for the kids, you just need to deal with it. | |
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| Ex Moving On
Posted: 3/29/2009 10:25:39 AM | OP, the only person you have any control over is yourself! Please remember that. You can't make decisions for her. You can't live her life.
Live YOUR life and quit worrying about her's except when and how it impacts the children.
Sequoyah | |
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| Ex Moving On
Posted: 3/29/2009 10:27:01 AM | | Look forward, not behind you that view is much better... | |
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| Ex Moving On
Posted: 3/29/2009 10:31:52 AM | | Oh no you didn't. Wait a minute, in your original post you were concerned with your ex making bad decisions about men. Problems with the kids were not mentioned, they were not the concern of this post. But now that posters mention the safety of your children, they now become the priority of your concerns. Hope you aren't using your kids as a trump card. Man don't do it!!!!!!!!!! Oh heck no don't even do that!!!!!!!! | |
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| Ex Moving On
Posted: 3/29/2009 10:44:13 AM | Kevin,
Relationships can end, but the feelings shared aren't as easily dimmed or forgotten. I've been separated from my spouse for a long time---we both co-parent, remain friends and do things together as friends/family. Initially, after we split I was devastated because I felt like I failed us and our children. It was truly a mourning process which I couldn't fathom. Let's face it you don't spend over 10 plus yrs with a person and not feel a connection--even if you can't live with them under the same roof.
While I may no longer be IN love with my spouse, I still care about him and worry about him...we were friends first before anything else and he will always matter to me---but not in a romantic way. I was sad at first, though I suspect he wouldn't agree with that summation, but I was. Everything we had done as a couple suddenly was gone---and it hurt---because even though things got bad---there was a lot of good there.
I guess the fact you haven't fully gotten over the loss of your wife makes it hard to watch her 'self-destruct'---no one wants to see someone they care(d) about hurt themselves, but it's now her decisions to make and she will have to deal with the messes she creates. The only time I'd intercede is if something my estranged spouse was doing that could impact our children negatively---otherwise I just mind my own business.
Building relationships take time and work and seems effortless---but the dissolution of that relationship seems to take a far sight longer to end/mend and allow each party to move on----letting go is hard---unless you never really cared about the person in the first place. I found stepping back...and working on me was all I could do----and each party has to heal in a pace that suits their personal needs and attitudes. If she's hurting herself is one thing----all you can do is hope she snaps out of it because the likely hood is, if you say something she's just going to be on the defensive.
Let's face it---in the end the only person we can change is ourselves---which is why relationships sometimes end---because the things that brought two people together change and so too, do those two people. | |
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| Ex Moving On
Posted: 3/29/2009 11:09:56 AM | You're not over your ex, and this is apparent , there is nothing you can do about her and her choices, you're a ex, father of her children, not her dating or life counselor.
You need to continue on your journey of self enlightenment or what ever it is your doing to help you get over this woman, sugar coat it all you want you're not over her.
YOU NEED TO GET OVER HER and as quick as possible or you will find your life consumed with her and her love life.
Its fine to care, be civil but what she does in her life, who she meets, hooks up with ,dates etc, isnt any of your business, concern except when the kids are involved. | |
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| Ex Moving On
Posted: 3/29/2009 11:35:16 AM | I have to agree with Mahogany (sweet name Ice)... I think you're not over your ex in the way that allows you to see her as a person with the right to take her journey as she's meant to. Who is to say there isn't something important that she needs to learn from her choices that is intended to make her a better person? Who is to say that she won't have to stumble over her bad decisions and learn how to get up, dust herself off and keep going? We never know the reasons for our own particular stumbles throughout the journey we take in this life but we can know that they are all contributing to our growth and learning.
If she hasn't taken time for herself, it's because she hasn't learned how important that can be... Maybe THAT'S part of the lesson she's currently involved in and make no mistake... She has to learn that one on her own. To interfere with her journey is to believe that you have a power you don't have in anyone else's life. All we can do is keep the faith that sooner or later, they will get it.
Where your children are concerned, I would agree that young children should not be left alone - especially in this day and age. It sounds like you need to have a discussion with her that involves both of you making the necessary concessions to ensure that your children always have adequate supervision. | |
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| Ex Moving On
Posted: 3/29/2009 11:41:14 AM | You are obviously in a different frame of thought than she is. However, this is your perspective and it might be a little skewed. It's her life. She's going to have to live it, figure it out, and do this on her own. Sometimes the crash is what's needed. If I were going to suggest anything, it would be to just take care of your kids as best you can. It sounds as if they might have to travel some rough roads given mom's crashing and burning. Keep them emotionally supported and stable from your end.
And Mr. IceMan...niiiiiice name! | |
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| Ex Moving On
Posted: 3/29/2009 11:43:07 AM | OP.......
You are making a BIG mistake by being passive where the kids are concerned. You were fifty percent in the conception. You should never forget that you're fifty percent in the rearing. Even IF she wants to put up a fight, and tell you to mind your business where 'her' decisions happen concerning the two kids..... YOU need to present OPTIONS....
Since you're so adamant in presenting the situation that you just sit back and WATCH your former spouse make her mistakes.......then that's time wasted from you WATCHING your kids as well.
Great....you did all the 'soul searching' you've needed to do. You've taken this time to get 'right' with yourself. That's actually a 'positive'....it means that ONE parent might have their head in the clear.
Now get in there and get RIGHT with your kids........ | |
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| Ex Moving On
Posted: 3/29/2009 11:45:41 AM | | I became quite friendly with my es-husband's new girlfriend, she was a very nice lady and an excellent step-mother to my daughter. | |
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| Ex Moving On
Posted: 3/29/2009 1:13:36 PM | Thanks for all the words of wisdom, some of it relevant, some of it not, but its good to hear other peoples opinions. As for get RIGHT with my kids.. I am finding that I can be a much better dad without her in my life, and the way my kids are handling the transitions and changes of late are an affirmation of that. I didn't bring kids up in the first post because really my question had nothing to do with the kids. It was about how do you deal with watching someone commit financial and emotional suicide and not try to jump in and save them. I am very close and very involved with my kids and I will make sure they don't suffer while mommy runs her life into the ground. All I was saying is that it is hard to watch someone do that to themselves.
Ya I am not over her yet, but I just keep moving forward and hopefully someday I won't care. | |
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| Ex Moving On
Posted: 3/29/2009 1:21:11 PM | You just move on, stick to your goals and your aspirations. Keep yourself busy, if you have to have contact, make sure you keep things neutral and on the topic that needs to be discussed.
For my own sanity, I kept repeating my 'mantras' ... everytime I see him, I see we made the right choice... and.. glad he's not my problem anymore. | |
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| Ex Moving On
Posted: 3/29/2009 1:25:15 PM | For me it hasent been hard at all , I want him to be happy and find someone who will treat him with the respect and love he deserves
I worry about him qutie alot , because its someone who lets people walk al over them
But anyways , ive talked to alot of girls whos hes been seeing and its nice to just keep in touch . | |
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| Ex Moving On
Posted: 3/29/2009 1:27:26 PM | Looking at this from the perspective of your Ex, I am much like her in that Yes, you have to move forward. No looking back. Why? Effortless to dig back. If you harbor ill will or envy, there is always that bad karma to have to confront. Divorce is ugly and there are the two sides to have to contend with divided by the kids to have to sift through. No fun in the tic for tacs.
I wish you much luck in your desire to problem solve your once happy marriage to a quick resolution. However it took time to have things crumble. It will take just as much time to build it back up. | |
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| Ex Moving On
Posted: 3/29/2009 2:02:41 PM | Kevin
i know where you are coming from its hard to move on while you still care and are the one still in love with the ex i take it she is the one who wanted out? i have been divorced now for a lil over a year and when i heard hes getting married again it was a stab to my heart, im over him to a degree but after 24 yrs its still a little hard at times. hang in there it does get a little easier everyday. | |
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| Ex Moving On
Posted: 3/29/2009 4:14:56 PM |
Now I am watching her make all the same decisions that her mom and her best friend made (which have proven in those cases not to be the best choices) and she still hasn't taken any time for herself to figure herself out.
Men can occasionally be suck love struck sillies. (I'm trying to be kinder and gentler...)
Her life is NOT any of your business.
Whether you want to acknowledge it or not - you're watching her, you're making judgements and assumptions and reaching conclusions, etc., etc., etc.,
Basically?
You are obsessing on your exwife's NEW life without you.
But the hell out.
You made your own plan - so work on it. Implement it. Leave the woman alone. This is NONE of your business. | |
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