| Widow/Widower " baggage versus the others??
Posted: 3/29/2009 1:51:36 PM | I have been reading thru some of the forums...a lazy day.......and I am SHOCKED at the number of people admitting that they are not over their ex, not ready for a relationship, homeless, unemployed, and a barage of other things. Then you look at their profile and it seems like all is well.......a person ready to date, have LTR, or whatever.
I guess my thing is why do we as widows or widowers get so much discussion about whether we carry all this excess baggage, still in love with a "ghost" and all the other mystery seemingly surrounding us? Half of the people I am referring to above are looking for a quick fix or someone else to pull them out of their "funk". At least we widows/widowers have dealt with or are dealing with our " ghosts" before we unwittingly try to involve another person? .........and WE are not mad at our lost loved ons!!Any input?? | |
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| Widow/Widower baggage versus the others??
Posted: 4/2/2009 6:25:28 PM | | I have to agree with you. As a widow, if I wasn't ready to move on or let go I would not be on here. I know that I will never find the "same" love that I had. Every love is different. And the person that I am now is not the person I was with my late husband. But I think some people are afraid to get involved with a widow/widower because they feel like they are competing with a ghost. Which I think is ridiculous. What about competing with an Ex?!! lol | |
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| Widow/Widower baggage versus the others??
Posted: 4/2/2009 8:04:38 PM | An "ex," one can point out flaws...and there's usually no shortage of family and friends to magnify those flaws or invent them if necessary.
A "ghost," well, one isn't supposed to speak ill of the dead...and family/friends can romanticize or idealize the dead spouse.
Just throwing ideas and seeing what sticks - personally, it wouldn't affect my decision-making, but that's me - I don't think quite like everyone else. | |
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| Widow/Widower baggage versus the others??
Posted: 4/3/2009 6:41:56 AM | Why would I or anyone involved with me want to point out flaws of anyone? If I don't know his ex...then I can't point them out....nor do I really care to hear about them.
Any new relationship should be built on " us"....not the past.
I am looking for new memories.not trying to save or resurrect my life with my late husband.
And I am not so insecure that I will not basically answer any question about my life with my husband. He was not perfect.....and I refuse to make him that way. He may have been perfect for me...but we play the hand that is dealt to us. To live in the past and try to make him into something he wasn't would be to deny the person he was.
If someone points out that maybe they would have done things differently.....I do not RUSH to defend my husband. He didn't need defending in life.......nor does he now. He was who he was, faults, shout-comings and all.
As far as family and friends.........they don't run my life on any scale. I love my children.....but I paid my dues there. I love my brother's..but my life is my own.
I know how to love unconditionally and I do not want a carbon copy of anyone. I want a man that will stand up and be himself.....not try to second quess what he thinks I want.
First impressions only last so long.
Everyone's little quirks, mannerisms, feelings, etc are different. I fall in love with who they are........not what I project them to be......or want them to be.
If I am not insecure about an ex.why should he be? I figure if he wanted her.......he would be with her...end of story.
I won't live in a tomb and dis-respect the life God has given me. LIFE is for the living!! | |
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| Widow/Widower baggage versus the others??
Posted: 4/5/2009 2:03:53 PM | I think the biggest part of the original questions were that, we as widows or widowers are often times looked over .........or scutinized because of the mere fact that we are in that category....why?
There doesn't seem to be all the "mystery" or apprehensions with a divorced person as there is with us.
I was not intending to dis-credit anyone's pain.
And I am STILL amazed at those on the forums telling all about problems, being involved at the time , not over an ex, unemployed, homeless, etc..........and their profile reflects absolutely NONE of that. Where is the taking time out for healing before involving someone else? | |
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| Widow/Widower baggage versus the others??
Posted: 4/9/2009 8:24:41 AM | Hon, I think that people look at the widowed one of two ways, they assume that because the person lost the spouse to death that it was actually a good relationship and that they will be competing with a ghost.
I assume until discovering otherwise that maybe they had their shit together and actually know how to have a relationship which would make them a better "risk" than someone who had a long-term failed relationship; the dead spouse is not a threat unless their house is a shrine, etc.
I think what you need to remember is if people are overlooking that is their short-coming, etc. not yours and you probably are well rid of them so it is win, win.
You also have to realize that there are people that are widowed who either don't ever get over the dead spouse or who start dating not realizing they still have some grieving to do. The former, cannot get past the person checking out and not growing old with them and/or loved them so much they can't let go and open up their heart. The latter, apologizes and takes more time to get their head together but the person they dated? This person could then create a "rule" about dating widows.
Unfortunate that many people allow one experience to speak for a "group" of some kind just as people see a "red flag" and do not investigate its nature or reason for existing merely assuming that the person is irreparably damaged and best to be avoided.
Sometimes people that are totally well-adjusted have something happen that upsets their emotional apple cart. What is totally a temporary thing that they will work through themselves if allowed the time can be blown into the most fantastic dysfunction by somene that is not secure themselves.
You are in charge of you, you cannot make people perceive you accurately. If you think your widowed status is a problem, put single on your profile and explain your details when you are ready. | |
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| Widow/Widower baggage versus the others??
Posted: 4/10/2009 4:40:02 PM | NO.. I don't think my widowed status is a problem..... and I actually have a boyfriend ( I been widowed almost three years. My boyfriend had a widowed mother so he has a lot of insight into my status.
I just am on the forums so much and question why so many have all these issues..but the widowed/ and or widowers face the scutiny that the divorced don't. Basically just want insight.
I do appreciate your post !! THANK YOU | |
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| Widow/Widower baggage versus the others??
Posted: 4/21/2009 6:06:28 PM | | I find that the baggage of a widow or widower is sometimes alot harder to deal with than a divorced person, ive been dating a wonderful nice man for last 9 months who lost his late wife of 34 years and its tuff, im always supportaive of his needing someone to talk too , listen to him comfort him when he needs it, theres weeks at a time he gets into his quiet funk mood, her birthday, their day they got married, first holidays with out her, mothers day, kids birthdays, so on and so on, my birthday is in same month as hers was so hes already depressed about that, I try really hard to be a good friend and someone who does care about how he feels and yet im not always sure of what to say to him to make him feel any better , theres been no intmacy between us as of yet other than the casual hug good bye or kiss , hes not ready for that and im not sure I am either until I really see if theres more than just the im here for the healing process if that makes any sense, so why do they get involved with someone if their not ready, im begining to think its cause they just cant do it alone... | |
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| Widow/Widower baggage versus the others??
Posted: 4/22/2009 6:17:35 AM | | While I am sure you are doing what you feel best....being patient.....for me, and I am a widow....I would prefer someone that could draw me out. How does he re-act when you tell him you sympathize......but it is a new chapter.you are the "now"? | |
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| Widow/Widower baggage versus the others??
Posted: 4/22/2009 2:39:08 PM | | Even though I dont know how he really feels sense ive never lost a spouse I do understand his loss, how does he react , its hard to awnser that, I know hes going thru anger still at his loss which is part of the healing, he bottles stuff up and instead of talking about it he just stays to him self and thats not always a good thing to do, im not sure he feels im a new chapter , im just there and ive tried to draw him out but he just dont let anyone close, its a hard life for him, he was the soul supporter, the care giver for most of the marriage and I sometime think hes lost now with out that being a need in his life as far as total care giver and isnt sure what to do with his time, things he has done and said over the last 8 months sometimes hurts my feelings and I keep saying its ok its part of the healing but im not sure if he can ever heal enough to move on in life and its a sad shame. | |
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| Widow/Widower baggage versus the others??
Posted: 4/22/2009 4:27:01 PM | Widows are not that different.....people just walk around on eggshells like we are......
leeanne.I sent you email.and my spelling was terrible.in a hurry. Good luck | |
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| Widow/Widower baggage versus the others??
Posted: 6/17/2009 11:52:33 AM | i not tryiing to sit in judgement of you, but,if you have a boyfriend,why are you on here
i'm a widow, and friend is divorcee, she gets twice as many hits.
some of the hits i've gotten are too stupid to be laugh-able , married, 25-40 yrs old
really do they think,i so desperate that it 's a trill just to heard from them
age is not a problem. i had a relationship with a man 11 years younger, but come on guys i'm 68, i don't want to go to bed with someone younger then my son
i'm not into being a sugar mama
if the right guy comes along that's great, if not my world won't stop
i'm still very active, ok enough for now . this is my first time for posting,hope what i said makes sense to you | |
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| Widow/Widower baggage versus the others??
Posted: 6/21/2009 12:35:05 PM | I am assuming..and maybe wrong that that question was to me.
The topic of the thread is widow/widower...baggage versus the other.
I no longer have that boyfriend, but reguardless.......while I DID have him, my profile reflected that. I am a widow and I feel the effects of the difference in how we are treated. Having been both divorced and widowed...I do know how we are treated, or perceived different.
We all get the "stupid" hits. Some from 25-26 year olds..even at my age. I reply that I am flattered..but don't carry extra pampers with me.
There are a LOT of us widows/widowers on here..that come just for the forums.
Even after almost three years of being widowed, I still feel and hear the difference of how our 'baggage" is different. We just want to be treated as a prospective friend, lover, partner, whatever the case might be. Too many people want to disect us....as if we are a freak of nature. Wow, we actually HAD a great marriage!!
Not saying many divorced people did not also have one.....but we never went thru the hurt and bitterness of a break-up...so we don't trash our lost loved one. | |
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elenic
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Joined: 5/30/2009
Msg: 16 | |
| Widow/Widower baggage versus the others??
Posted: 6/22/2009 4:32:24 AM | Not saying many divorced people did not also have one.....but we never went thru the hurt and bitterness of a break-up...so we don't trash our lost loved one.
I don't trash my ex . I accept he has faults and there were things within my marriage that did not work. Just as you have your grief and memories of your marriage I have my memories and yes some bitterness and sadness that the marriage did not work. Divorced is painful thing and that should'nt be minimzed as being less than being widowed, but I agree it is different than loss of a spouse. Different issues to deal with.
It woudl be absurd for someone who was widowed to "trash" their loved one and I don't think anyone expects that. Some people "dissect" a widow or widower simply because they are attempting to understand and be in a relationship with them and most people have no advance knowledge of loss of a spouse as much as their do of divorce. Divorce is much more common particularly for younger to middle-aged crowd than one would have encountering a widow.
Its just not something many people have experience with. I give credit to those who date widow/ers for attempting to navigate a difficult situation they don't have a lot of experience or guidance or support with (there are no groups whatsoever for people who are dating widow/ers to get support or advice, but there are a few webpages which deal with these issues). | |
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| Widowers..
Posted: 9/25/2009 6:38:54 AM | | it was good to read that i am not the only one who is confused...being a widow after 54 yrs and married at 13 i find it hard to understand what men want in a woman....some really scare me...some sound nice but location is far...maybe i am meant to be alone....maybe i am not ready....... | |
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magrji
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Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 18 | |
| Widowers..
Posted: 10/14/2009 3:47:32 PM | I'm not sure if there is a bias against widows and widowers. Frankly, there are many similarities between those who are widowed and those who are divorced. Loss of emotional support, loss of mutual friends, etc. I do know, however, that many of my friends who stayed with me after I lost my wife don't like to talk about her death and they don't want me to talk about it either so I guess it follows that perfect strangers might feel the same way. Divorce is just a more acceptable part of life even though you'd think that death would be as well since we're all going to die someday.
All I know is that when I meet someone who might be a good match, once they know that I am a widower, the conversation cools pretty quickly. I actually would prefer if they rejected me because I'm too short or too fat or something like that.
So what are we supposed to do? I didn't lie on my profile and I assume potential matches wouldn't like to find out later that I've lied. Assume you all feel the same. | |
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| Widow/Widower baggage versus the others??
Posted: 11/17/2009 9:10:06 PM | I'd rather a guy be widowed rather than freshly divorced! Widowed to me being female, is the fact the man is actually looking for another decent/good person in his life.
That's stupid people are saying you guys have more baggage. To be honest, I think my SINGLE friends at my age have more baggage than a lot of divorced/widowed friends that I know! Especially people who have never been married and are in their 40's ! or maybe that is just TOO set in their ways? hmmm | |
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| Widow/Widower baggage versus the others??
Posted: 11/18/2009 10:20:00 AM | | I also think people that have been divorced along time. I have been divorced over 10 years. I agree with the freshly divorced statement. Sometimes time has to pass before that divorce and that marriage is not baggage. | |
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| Widow/Widower baggage versus the others??
Posted: 11/23/2009 7:00:24 AM | Hi,
Ive only been on here 10 days and ready to call it quits .So much of the same STUFF.I know my husband would want me to go on but not like this.
Do the guys on line that we can see and have been talking too not realize what has to be going through all of our minds.
The are telling someone else the same STUFF.
About to be out of here ..Surely there's another way .
Good luck to everyone.
Angelfish | |
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