Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > unwritten rules of POF for new members      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 conscious love
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 1
unwritten rules of POF for new membersPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I'm not sure how many people reading this might actually be new members of POF, but I just want to say that there are a few things I've learned in the last few months that I wish i had known when I first started using POF. Although some of what I talk about below might be more relevant for women, i think it is generally informative for everyone.

These are the Unwritten rules of POF:
-Meet people as soon as possible and avoid setting up any expectations of the person.
-Don't give out your email address or telephone # before meeting someone face to face.
-Meet during the day first for something like coffee, so you can shorten the meeting if you really don't feel it.
-Random people who IM you probably have not read your profile and are, more often than not, 'playing the odds' of eventually hitting the jackpot and finding an easy lay. But then I sometimes enjoy the conversations that I have with IM too though.... By blocking pop ups in your browser, you will get a message that 'so&so' wants to IM with you and you have a chance to check out their profile before chatting with them. And if you let a chat begin, avoid saying too much in the beginning - their intentions will come out soon enough if you let THEM do most of the chatting.
-'Hang Out' often means casual sex
-NSA means 'No Strings Attached'
-A guy who is honestly attracted to you will write you an inspired message. "Hey, how is it going?" is not an inspired message. A man who really feels it will generally ask you out for coffee fairly soon and will not ask for more pictures. it's not that asking for pictures is a bad thing - because I also do it sometimes - it's because if you need to ask for pictures, then you're obviously not feeling 'it'.
-Despite what people say about the superficiality of online dating - i want you to know that it is a community. As big as your city may be, there isn't an infinite amount of people out there - BE NICE - it always pays. We all change, and you never know if someone you found unattractive yesterday will become attractive to you today. Be generally polite - act like a lady - or a gentleman. You NEVER know if you will bump into someone that you were rude to or did something you were ashamed of! I have bumped into a few guys who said rude things to me and they were pretty embarrassed.
-Have fun - don't take it too seriously. This isn't a way to start a relationship, it's only a way to meet someone.

okay i hope those help someone...
 *Cowboy*
Joined: 4/28/2006
Msg: 2
view profile
History
unwritten rules of POF for new members
Posted: 3/29/2009 10:19:14 PM
I disagree with the first 3. I dont IM at all with people I have not meant so 4 doesnt apply.

The others were pretty obvious.

Cowboy
 conscious love
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 3
unwritten rules of POF for new members
Posted: 3/29/2009 11:12:04 PM
i guess you are right that a lot of the things I said are probably 'obvious' to some people, but when i came online the first time, i didn't know any of those things. Maybe I'm naive, but i think it's just a completely different medium of interaction and because of that, I didn't know immediately what was what. why do you disagree with the first three? Wouldn't you rather meet people before getting an 'impression' of who they are that is probably wrong?
 FourUms
Joined: 3/17/2009
Msg: 4
view profile
History
unwritten rules of POF for new members
Posted: 3/29/2009 11:26:03 PM
I don't agree with number two. The others seem realistic.

For number two, I'd say create a dating email address at yahoo or gmail or somewhere. And I've never met someone without first talking to her. Sometimes it's been right before the meet, but most often we've talked extensively first - it makes the first meeting either more comfortable or unnecessary.

I would like to add another general rule which you cover in number three, but should maybe be made more explicit: Don't meet at either of your houses for the first time. I've actually broken this several times in both directions. If a woman suggested she meet me here, I've made sure she was positive about it and even suggested that it's not a good practice. I also gave her name and number to a friend of mine, just in case. One of those who suggested we meet here was a cop, but I didn't REALLY know that at the time. I was also flabbergasted the couple times a woman suggested I pick her up at her place the first time. In all cases it went fine, but is probably not a good idea.
 *Cowboy*
Joined: 4/28/2006
Msg: 5
view profile
History
unwritten rules of POF for new members
Posted: 3/29/2009 11:49:38 PM

Wouldn't you rather meet people before getting an 'impression' of who they are that is probably wrong


I guess maybe its the messages I write and how I approach the online contacts thing in general but I am not having the problem you are with getting "wrong" impressions on people.

I am searching for LTR not dating really. And trust me I ask a LOT of questions trying to get a feel for the person if its someone I am interested in and I can weed out a ton of people without ever having to meet. Meeting to me is the final stamp. Not the first one.

And as the other things I disagree with for example you said to never give out your phone number. Baby I am not going to meet you without a phone number. I am not going to meet you also without talking on the phone several times first. If I am not comfortable enough for you to have my phone number I sure am not going to be comfortable enough to meet you I promise. But this comes back to your premise to hurry and meet right away and thats NOT how I do this at all.

The other one was to meet in the daytime. Look I agree it should be short but I dont meet for coffee period. I usually meet for a drink or two for happy hour. And its agreed before hand its going to last 30 minutes or a couple drinks max. But its not in the daytime.

Cheers

Cowboy
 conscious love
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 6
unwritten rules of POF for new members
Posted: 3/29/2009 11:55:31 PM
Cowboy: Your right - that's cool. I totally appreciate that. i also thought of adding to my first posting that people with other intentions than mine might disagree, but i wanted to keep it simple.
 *Cowboy*
Joined: 4/28/2006
Msg: 7
view profile
History
unwritten rules of POF for new members
Posted: 3/30/2009 12:10:15 AM
I have been on here a long time and met a ton of gals. I used to meet very quickly. I learned that I was wasting a lot of time and money meeting people I really could of determined that I was not going to be compatible with for a LTR if I had just asked the right questions up front. Because I really take the time to get to know them up front I have never once had a gal not give me her phone number etc..

If you were meeting really fast I can see your point but thats why you and I are disagreeing on many points here because we approach that aspect using opposite methods and thats going to cause us to differ on our views on other points you made also. Does that make sense? You have to do what you do because you want to meet so fast.

Best of Luck!

Cowboy
 conscious love
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 8
unwritten rules of POF for new members
Posted: 3/30/2009 1:02:47 AM
Well, to be honest with you - I used to meet people much more slowly and talk with them on the phone or 'chat' with them on my msn even! But i had many experiences that told me that was not the way I wanted to do it anymore. For example, finding that someone is 'great' and their pictures are 'great' and we have amazing conversations and I'm getting to know them and they're getting to know me... and then... we meet. And talk about wasting my precious time and energy!!! One minute in a room with them and I KNOW there is no chemical attraction.... They're great, they're lovely, but they're not doing it for me. And if I had met them first I would have figured that out and saved myself a lot more than the price of a cup of coffee - which i would have had anyways. If we measure how much my time is worth - and calculate it out - I'm sure it is me who is saving in the end.

I know this may be a slightly more 'immature' way of looking at things, but my rules are based on my own trial and error. I'm 31 and you're 48 - you're supposed to be more mature anyways. And... is it possible that it is different for you because you are a man?

I have to say that POF has been tons of fun and this whole forum section is new to me and seems like I'll be around her a bit more often....
 La Gioconda
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 9
unwritten rules of POF for new members
Posted: 3/30/2009 1:20:00 AM
I totally agree with you OP, meet them asap...the sooner the better. I do know what you mean about having chemistry in e-mail or on the phone, but not in real life. All you have written is pretty much common sense, and you one figures those rules out after a while or after having few disappointments. The bottom line is not to spend too much of precious time and energy and fantasize. I have heard this from people a lot... I am with you on this one. Kudo to you for figuring it out. It seems obvious, but it also took me time to learn those golden/unwritten rules of pof.
 RandyADR
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 10
unwritten rules of POF for new members
Posted: 3/30/2009 4:37:58 AM
Thanks for the advice & help, those things can really help people.
 kyleraynor
Joined: 2/25/2009
Msg: 11
unwritten rules of POF for new members
Posted: 3/30/2009 5:04:01 AM
I have to disagree with the generalizations about the "easy lay", that's a pretty big assumption.

Ie - IM'ing you = easy lay, "Hang out" = casual sex....again very generalized.

Hang out - it could mean anything since it's rather ambiguous. True it could mean casual sex as well, how sure can you be that it's often the reason?

Agree with meeting as soon as possible, but not giving your phone number or email? I have a policy of at least talking to the person on the phone prior to meeting in person. That seems to conflict actually. With the phone, you need to establish the dating location as well, and pinpoint the location of the date.

The rest I do tend to agree.
 wildman0067
Joined: 3/10/2008
Msg: 12
unwritten rules of POF for new members
Posted: 3/30/2009 6:43:51 AM
I dont agree with not giving out ur phone number If im goin to meet anyone I will have anumber in hand befor leaving the house If not I wont bother chance of them showing up is less if they refuse to give u there number Yes it has happined thats the reason for having number in hand "or phone" lol

wildman
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 13
view profile
History
unwritten rules of POF for new members
Posted: 3/30/2009 6:57:46 AM
I want to talk on the phone first also!
to start with....A voice will confirm the person is a man!
and a discussion on the phone can tell you a few things if you pay attention.

I also do not discriminate against a simple greeting to start with.
This internet dating can by quite intimidating......and some guys aren't elaborate
typers or spellers!
If I get a "How you doing" email.......I check out the profile......if there is something about the man that interest me......I will write back and see if I can get the conversation flowing.
 sherbearr333
Joined: 11/6/2008
Msg: 14
view profile
History
unwritten rules of POF for new members
Posted: 3/30/2009 7:11:24 AM
I agree with meeting as soon as possible, but also would like to have a number and a phone conversation beforehand. I've had the experience of not having a number, meet (date) was all agreed upon via emails for place and time.

I show up, about 15 minutes early, guy does not show. I went ahead, had two drinks, then left after about an hour. I did not have a number to call to find out if something came up or what, so I'm left with a lot of questions. An email and an IM chat later, he got off work, took a shower, and took a nap, and overslept. Still haven't met him, he has other excuses as to being too busy or too tired. Still don't have a number for this guy either, lol. His loss, not mine.

Another time, no numbers had been exchanged, I had a flat tire on my way to a first meet. I still showed up, but had missed the gentleman. I went home, sent an email and explained what had happened, and expressed my desire to still meet, gave me a second chance. We did exchange numbers after that, we met, been on a few dates together, but we agree we are not ready for a relationship with each other, and we still remain as friends who get together every once in a while just to catch up with each other.

Now if I'm going to meet up with anyone, I share my number with them. If they call, fine and dandy, but please do not block your number. That in itself is too selfish, I shared, so can he.
 Rushâ„¢
Joined: 2/17/2009
Msg: 15
unwritten rules of POF for new members
Posted: 3/30/2009 7:30:45 AM
A lot of these rules, should be obvious.


Don't give out your email address or telephone # before meeting someone face to face.


I usually get the guys phone #, anyway.

Whoever wrote this piece, was dead on about IM. A lot of the guys, who hit me up through IM, don't even take the time to read a few sentences of my profile.

The part about an easy lay, is definitely true intentions, for some of them.
 Orphan girl
Joined: 12/11/2008
Msg: 16
unwritten rules of POF for new members
Posted: 3/30/2009 8:11:30 AM
I don't think that I subscribe to this stuff, howver i feel that I am doing great.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 17
unwritten rules of POF for new members
Posted: 3/30/2009 8:43:07 AM
These were my rules:

Meet as soon as possible. That is about 6 emails into the interaction, one phone call.
No phone number, no date. If she didn't feel like giving it out, sorry baby no meeting.
I did not like coffee because it always ended up being an interview. But during the day, you can go for a bike ride, hiking, sight seeing, but I preferred meeting for a drink and seeing what would happened.
If she wanted to IM me, not interested, so if that was her prefer method of communication, find yourself someone else.
Never understood the "hang out thing".
Realize that we are all superficial, that we are looking at shelves of product. We are the product, but we are the buyers as well. If you understand the dynamics of internet dating, you can have an awesome time, and do find the person of your dreams. I did. In fact will be getting married in June.

And yes, have fun. But have fun because you went there with absolutely no expectations, just an open mind.
 conscious love
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 18
unwritten rules of POF for new members
Posted: 3/30/2009 9:19:39 AM
This is pretty cool - I never came onto the forums before!
So, yeah... I guess that i see that it's mostly men looking for a phone number 'or else' haha!!! my reply to that would be - if you're so rigid that you NEED a phone number or you won't meet me, then lets just not meet. No problem. It's probably not going to work anyways because I like easy-going. Not everyone is easygoing though... AND as Cowboy said, people are on here for different reasons.
And some women also want a phone 'chat' first or a phone number in case they don't show!!! why? First of all, I plan my first meetings so that I'm doing what I would be doing anyways - like having a cup of coffee. I've had a 'no-show' one time and it sucked, but I just took out my book (which I'd wanted to read anyways) and drank my coffee and enjoyed my time. and as soon as I got home later that day - I erased his messages! There really ARE plenty of fish out there - not infinite amounts of them - but enough that if a guy is that disrespectful, then you can certainly find better.
 hip89
Joined: 3/21/2009
Msg: 19
unwritten rules of POF for new members
Posted: 3/30/2009 9:27:31 AM
My only rule is that that are no rules. Different people have different viewpoints about how to do things. Such as when to meet, method of communication, who should pay for a date etc. This is quite evident when you read the forums.
 sailorgal616
Joined: 11/30/2008
Msg: 20
unwritten rules of POF for new members
Posted: 3/30/2009 9:53:01 AM
I think your advice was very good and right on point. You should also have warned older women not to fall for the sweet talk of men half their age, because they are generally looking for money or sex NSA. I am 64 and was amazed at the number of mid-30's to mid-40's men who wrote to me. You have to be pretty stupid to think a man half a century younger than you is interested in YOU, so be careful out there!
 lonesomerick
Joined: 1/23/2008
Msg: 21
view profile
History
unwritten rules of POF for new members
Posted: 3/30/2009 10:25:13 AM
I'm with Cowboy, I've spent way to much time and money meeting someone I'd never had a phone conversation with. Now I won't even meet until we've had at least one lenghty phone conversation, I've never asked a lady for her number...rather offered mine. Haven't been turned down yet!

It's just to easy to edit, delete and back space on an email. Kinda hard to do on a live conversation. And you can tell alot by a persons voice!
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 22
unwritten rules of POF for new members
Posted: 3/30/2009 10:52:57 AM
I agree meeting as soon as possible, with the exception of TOO soon in a one-on-one environment (a handful of emails, and a phone call would be standard instead).

Don't give out your email address? I would not call this a "do not do" rule. You can block emails coming in from certain addresses, so it isn't like your home address.

Don't give out your phone #? Ahhh, again, not a "do not do" rule. Depends on the situation, to be honest. If say, you chat for the first time, and they're going to a bar that's down the road from the bar you're going to be at, and you want to run into each other ever-so quickly, yeah, a # would be convenient, but meeting so quickly would be understandable not to give out the #. Now, say you did the standard many-days-email-exchange, agreed to meet, and you were a 30 minute drive from one another? I would say that it'd be appropriate to exchange phone #s... if you live within a good range and not much time is wasted anyway? Understandable someone wouldn't want to give out their # if they're new to the 'online' thing, and it wouldn't be necessary (however, you'd want to think twice about whether you -really- do like them so far or not).

I wouldn't say "Hang Out" = casual sex. I would say that it means a very casual approach and could mean they have a higher probability to being open to casual sex. But it doesn't mean "I need to get laid" lol. And also "Friends" probably fits this role to a bit of a lesser degree, due to some people being shy about admitting they'd like to actually DATE someone from online, or they are truly looking for raw platonic friends... or are using the 'friends first' cliche and want to be vague.
 Helen1967
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 23
unwritten rules of POF for new members
Posted: 3/30/2009 11:50:10 AM

I want to talk on the phone first also!
to start with....A voice will confirm the person is a man!

MsMicki, you crack me up. I confess I never thought of that! Ha!

I am also in the ranks of those who prefer a telephone conversation prior to meeting and have never met someone without first talking on the phone. How we get along by voice has proved an excellent indicator of how well we'll get along in person.

Mostly I think these are pretty good, though.
 dwf44
Joined: 3/21/2009
Msg: 24
unwritten rules of POF for new members
Posted: 3/30/2009 11:57:21 AM

Don't give out your email address or telephone # before meeting someone face to face.


I don't agree with many of these rules. Especially this one. If a person is that concerned about their safety. A person could always create a free email account from Yahoo, Hotmail etc and just use it for internet dating. A person could also buy a prepaid cell phone and use it just for internet dating. I think people should exchange phone numbers before meeting up. If / when someone is going to be late or has to postpone / cancel a date at the last minute, then they may not be able to reach the other person without a cell phone.
 hamango
Joined: 3/8/2009
Msg: 25
unwritten rules of POF for new members
Posted: 3/30/2009 12:50:11 PM
They aren't unwritten once you write them. Then they become the written rules. Your keyboard will never divulge the unwritten rules. They are too wily to be caught and put on public display.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > unwritten rules of POF for new members