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| | Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?Page 1 of 14 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14) | | When it comes to Romance, Dating, and Relationships, getting a boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. Why does the guy always or most of the time have to make the first move? Why does the guy always have to start the conversation and keep it going? Why does the guy always or most of the time have to start the friendship and seeing eachother process before moving into the boyfriend/girlfriend part? Why does the guy have to ask the girl out? Overall, why does the guy have to initiate everything in the beginning? I am sure it is not like this all the time, but still without a doubt most of the time it is still up to the guy, because I do know that times are changing, girls are starting to take the initiative more often than they did in the past, but still 90 to 95 percent of the time it is still the guy that makes the first move and initiates the date and relationship, the girl just has to approve of it or not. I wish both girls would take the initiative just as much as guys, like it would be better if we lived in an equal-gender, open-opportunity society. The reason why is because guys can be shy too, guys hate being rejected too, shyness hurts guys a lot more than it hurts shy girls, because a shy, quiet girl, can get a boyfriend a lot easier compared to a shy quiet guy who can get a girlfriend. Unfortuneately, since society expects us guys to be more assertive, this hurts the shy quiet guys a lot. Anyway, overall, why do most girls expect the guy to take the initiative? | |
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Rush™
| | Joined: 2/17/2009
Msg: 3 | |
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| Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 10:06:16 AM | | My answer to your question will not make me popular with the female population here but my thoughts are that when it comes to dealing with the fairer sex there are lots of things guys will never understand, equal opportunity does not mean the same thing to them, read the forums, equal pay and benefits, etc. which is fair but when it comes to who asks,pays or decides what to do still falls on us, the quote; the one who asks pays is the most popular. There are some who will ask and even pay if you let them but they are not in the majority, not just here but everywhere. It's just our job so get used to it. | |
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| Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 10:06:43 AM | To be truthful, usually it's the person who's more invested (who wants it more) who does most of the initiating. If women aren't contacting you, they must not be THAT interested. Although, if you contact them, they may say, "OK, what the heck, I'll give him a shot."
Your choices are to sit back and whine because no one contacts you or to proactively try to get something you want. So far, I see you've chosen unwisely. | |
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| Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 10:10:41 AM | I guess you see yourself as a shy quiet guy and don't want to deal with the stress of rejection and insensitivity that some women show when approached. Well I hate to tell you but it is equal now. Just not many want to change the status quo. You just have to learn to deal with it as it is. You need to toughen up because women arn't going to change things to make you feel better.
Bob | |
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| Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 10:12:01 AM | OP - The process is called 'Natural Selection'. It means that all the shy/weak/lazy males can be 'weeded out' early on in the selection process - simply because they always 'hang back'. The result being that the 'gift of the gab' types always get the lady.
I suggest you hang forward, find your balls, get a repertoire together, practise, practise, practise, take the plunge and go for what you want!
Good luck and don't delay ... it's not called the Human Race for nothing!!!! | |
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| Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 10:16:06 AM | | Yeah a lot of it is my personal experience, eventhough girls have made first contact with me on Plentyoffish before, the problem was that they lived too far away from me. Also I have been rejected many times, like in person, out there in society, in community college, almost every girl that I have pursued and was interested in had a boyfriend already. Also I have gotten phone numbers from 4 different girls before, but they never answered or called me back, I find that to be a weird and cold way of rejection, because I felt led on for a bit. Because they gave me their real phone number, it was not a fake, the only time they answered their phone was my first time calling them, which was understandable since they did not know my number yet until they saw it on Caller ID. Other than those times, it's always been running into girls that have a boyfriend already, I just wonder why I always seem to be attracted to the girls that are taken already. | |
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| Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 10:20:45 AM | I don't buy into generalizations about "why is it always" yada yada.
OP - I think much of what you're presenting to the females is how you see yourself.
I don't think I'd look twice at a man who had a profile name with "innocent" in it. That's just me, and I'm not telling you it's "wrong"
I'm simply saying how women are "seeing you" may have something to do with how you see yourself...and that's not attractive to the women you want to be attracting. | |
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| Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 10:28:19 AM | Also I disagree with the unfair double-standard that says it is okay for Men to be promiscuous and sleep around, and it is not okay for Women to do so. Because if a Woman sleeps around and is very sexually active, even if she makes the first move and takes the initiative, she is consider a whore or slut, but it is the oppossite for Men. I totally disagree with that. That is why I never call Women those names, and I never think of Women like that. We should all respect eachother as equals, all of us Men should respect Women, eventhough it has been this way forever and still kind of is, it is a Male-Dominant society, no offense to Women, but we have to realize that Women brought us into this World. Here is what the rapper Tupac Shakur said
"since we all came from a woman
Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman
I wonder why we take from our women
Why we rape our women, do we hate our women?
I think it's time to kill for our women
Time to heal our women, be real to our women
And if we don't we'll have a race of babies
That will hate the ladies, that make the babies
And since a man can't make one
He has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one" | |
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| Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 10:35:30 AM | There is a certain romantic tradition that sets out the roles for courtship. People who have learned that way will prefer to stick with it. Even within that set of expectations, the woman is initiating the fun by catching the man's attention. They do it by showing up looking good, and then the man reacts by wanting her. Then his desire becomes the impetus for courtship. He is trying to win her love. She encourages him while setting out the conditions. When he satisfies the conditions she gives him her heart. If you try to switch roles and want women to court you, it's the same thing, the only difference is who is playing the role of the prize and who is playing the role of the prize winner. You would just need to find a woman who wanted to play the game with the roles reversed. I don't think there are that many, at least not around here.
You could look at it from a positive point of view, and see the things to enjoy about your male role in this tradition. That might make it easier to see how it can work out. If you focus on a detail that you find troublesome you won't see the overall process and how it can work for you to your benefit.
The ideal came from the problem of women being owned and given or sold as brides. That would totally suck, to be raised for the purpose of being assigned to some unknown guy, then be his to boss you around. Imagine you were in that position. Then how would you idealize a better approach? You would create an ideal based on the pleasures of love, and revise courtship to be about romance not domestic slavery. The best way to wind up married would be to some wonderful man who could give you a good life, because he loved you, and would be good to you, that you would get to choose for yourself.
The first romantic stories were about men who proved their worthiness not to the woman directly but to god and country. They went on adventures and came back all grown up and bearing the stamp of approval. The women reading and writing these stories were in the position of making the best out of their situation of waiting to be married off.
These days there is a lot of room for people to depart from what were once strict traditions. Culture retains the stories and their archetypes. If you want to be a hero with a happy wife who is glad you chose her, get to initiating. | |
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| Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 10:36:58 AM | Old fashioned habits die hard, but this situation is probably more prevalent in a “cold call” type of situation, (e.g., bars, clubs, online dating, etc.), where the SPECIFIC agenda is to make a connection with a member of the opposite sex. In these instances, women probably don’t ask as much because they have safety concerns, fear of rejection, or just a personal preference for a man to be at the helm.
If equal opportunity askin’ is what you prefer, then I would recommend a more corporeal rather than virtual approach to romantic pursuits. Use your hobbies, interests, and friends to increase your social network (as a plus, if there’s something you’ve always wanted to do or try, now is your chance). Here, there will be an established basis of commonality (i.e., the hobby, interest, friends, sports, music, etc.), which enables people to bond easier and become comfortable with others in the group. In these situations, you will easily build a rapport and friendships with women; the shared interest, friendship, etc. will open the door to equal opportunity askin’, often it will be to further share in that hobby, interest, pursuit, coffee discussions, et al. Good luck! | |
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| Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 11:12:19 AM | It's how we have evolved. It's part of our biology. Men have during his lifetime the capacity to procreate a million times. Our sperm indicates to spread and procreate. That is why we are the hunters. Women in the other hand, has a very finite number of eggs that she makes during her whole life, and while a man can impregnate a woman and disappear, the woman cannot. She has a huge vested interest in not only the quality of the seed the may be getting, but the quality of the man that gave her that seed.
What all this means is that a woman is not interested in having sex, she is interested in having sex with the better man, with the better genes. So women are programmed to veto, to be selective. While men are programmed spread his seed, and since he is going to be vetoed, he is programed to pursue and continue to pursue. This also explains why women are not very good at handling rejection, while men , the ones that are successful are good at handling rejection.
So as a man, if you want things to happen, you have to take control and make them happen. Now because men and women, even though are hard wired no different than a primitive man, the needs to survive have changed. We no longer have to hunt, we go out and make a living, pursue sports, surround ourselves with the things that say you are a better provider, a more suitable animal.
And while men pursue, women try to attract males. That is why they sell Victoria's Secret and all that sexy stuff, yet the same does not exist for men.
So dude, get used to pursuing, get exited about pursuing, if not, well, you will get nothing. | |
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| Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 11:18:25 AM | i think its just the way alot of women and men prefer it; some men, alot of men don't care for aggressive women. They like to dictate the terms of the dating process, relationship etc; alot of guys get put off by an aggressive woman, as much as they may b*tch about having to do all or the majority of the work in dating.
that being said, women seem to be accustomed to being pursued and like being pursued; now if you don't want to pursue or force the issue, that is fine. But you can't complain if and when you get passed by; Alot of women just aren't gonna take the time to look into you or approach you, so if you want to avoid rejection, avoid it. But understand that it comes w/diminishing returns, i.e. dates/sex.
also women don't want to risk rejection and the honest truth is they have less chance of regection than most men. But the facts are nine times out of ten u have to initiate and if your not willing to, u have to accept a)u will have no women or b) u will have women u may not want or desire. Cus those are the ones who approach u.
u might find yourself in a spot women do, being approached by women who you aren't attracted to and being passed up by the women u are attracted to because u won't open ur mouth. | |
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| Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 11:21:45 AM | That is your own doing then sir!
Try sport and social clubs or other activities that you are there to enjoy yourself first, if you meet someone there its gravy!
I hate being hit on if I am at a club, I don't know why but it feels so predatory to me! If I am at a bar, I am there to enjoy myself with the people I am already with, so I could use the ol' "I have a boyfriend" excuse myself when that happens | |
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| Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 11:27:28 AM | Okay I will be honest, all the girls that have pursued me and taken the initiative with me were not desirable to me, they were not my type. All the girls that I have pursued and taken the initiative with were A.) had a boyfriend already B.) were not interested in me, rejected me.
Most of the time it has been the girls that I were attracted to were all taken already.
I am wondering if it is because I am not trying hard enough, or if my standards are too high? I wonder if I am taking the initiative in the wrong way? I know that my looks are not a problem, I consider myself to be average looking, but I have seen and heard of tons of guys who are average looking, or worse looking than me, and they have hot, gorgeous girlfriends, and they are not even rich.
How do guys get the girl they want? how do they know how to play the game? is it all an instinct for them? did it take them practice and have to overcome many rejections? or were they born with those social skills? | |
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| Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 11:30:31 AM |
yeah but it's gets frustrating after you have been rejected many times, and every girl that I have been interested in has a boyfriend already. I am not very outgoing, it seems my only options for meeting and socializing with girls are on the Internet, Bars, Clubs, and at school, I go to community college.
Frustrating?
Have you ever heard the term, every NO will get you closer to a Yes. So if you realize that every rejection will teach you something, every rejection is indeed a victory that will take you closer to a YES.
Also realize that most women you will ever meet is either getting out of a relationship or starting one. So even when you meet a girl that has a boyfriend. Just be nice to her. YOu don't have to pursue her, but she may be available down the road. And what you need to do is to get in a mode of pursuit with everybody. So you meet a grandma, and you are nice to her, you even flirt in a polite way. You keep doing this to the point that it doesn't matter, to the point that you don't even then work really hard at that chic that you actually like, but just treated her nice, then ignored her, then talked to her again. So you remove the pressure of rejection and suddenly you are going to find that there are girls that are "secretly attracted to you".
Anyway, it's an attitude. Nurture it. | |
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| Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 11:35:38 AM | | Yeah, all those guys out there that have or have had a pretty, cute girlfriend, overall, they get the type of girl they want. How do guys know how to "play the game"? Do all those guys instinctively know how? Because I will admit that I get very jealous of guys with pretty, good-looking girlfriends. Because I don't consider my looks to be a problem, I consider myself average. There are guys that are below average looking that get girls that look like Victoria's Secret Models, and they are not even rich or college-eduacated. There are young guys who live with their parents or unemployed and still get the girl they want. I know that every guy has been rejected at one point or more in his life, but it seems like it never took them practice on how to get a girlfriend and how to talk to women in the right way, they were all born with those social skills. | |
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