| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 3/31/2009 11:28:58 AM | Right before Christmas my employer (IT staffing/recruiting firm) of 5 years laid me off. Since then I've gone to DOZENS of interviews that have led nowhere, despite my references, verified prior success ($$ revenue, monthly quotas, new accounts) and all that stuff. I've even been interviewed by firms who CALLED ME when they learned that I was available, to no avail.
In the 10 years since I graduated college I've worked pretty much nonstop. I changed jobs twice voluntarily and once involuntarily, always going to better things. This is the first time I've interviewed even 6 times without landing a sensible offer (one firm offered a position whose compensation, according to their illustration using numbers from 2008, would NOT pay my rent!). After each of these unsuccessful interviews, it gets a little harder to maintain a positive attitude about the NEXT opportunity, despite knowing how bad the job market is in general, and the supportive comments offered by my friends/contacts/colleagues in this industry
It's also making it harder for me to "stay in my happy place" while dating. Will women/a woman think less of/reject me because I'm out of work? If so, is that "her problem?" Or is it a cost of being out of work that I have to endure, similar to being rejected for any other reason (e.g. weight, hobbies, etc) that can be said to be within my control? Should I hide (or discuss right-up-front) my status while talking to a woman I happen to meet? Should I tell a woman I'm dating about every interview I go on, which means also telling her about all the rejection letters I'm getting? If I get an offer should I tell her while I'm contemplating it, or should I wait until after I accept something? Should I continue selecting dating activities exactly as I did while I was employed, even though I now think about the cost of EVERYTHING I buy/do? Or should I be honest with a woman that, while I would love to take her to that great restaurant over and over, I'd be more comfortable with a more casual (and lower cost) venue for next date (e.g. touring a museum and getting takeout food to eat at a park or her/my place)
DjB | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 3/31/2009 11:39:52 AM | You have some major challenges ahead, personally If I was in your shoes, I forgo dating and concentrate on getting a job.
Most women would avoid you why? some women has been burned from guys not working, guys want to go out to restaurants and the woman pays, or guys that say I have no money lets go back to my place or yours, I will cook you dinner, and dinner ends up as Kraft Mac and Cheese or something totally disgusting, and the guy is all over them like a fat kid on a smartie? not exactly romantic is it?
Your intentions maybe honorable, but lots of women online has been burned or knows someone who has been burned from unemployed men. | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 3/31/2009 11:41:46 AM | I currently am dating someone who is a member of a Union. He only works if the Union places him in a job. Right now jobs are scarce, and he's been out of work for quite some time. He does not have enough to date ANYONE, nor does he even have enough to pay his bills.
If I want to see him or do something right now, I have to pay for both of us.
This puts both of us in an uncomfortable role reversal situation, but we both have to be a little grown up about it. He should, I think, step up to the plate and try to find jobs on the side..whether it is putting an ad on Craig....s....lst...for handyman or IT Desktop or whatever, he should at least TRY. He also should get his ass off the computer during the day and instead of sitting for endless hours on dating sites, he should be trying to figure out a way to make some money. He is not the only person out of work right now...MANY are. Being out of work is an understandable situation. But sitting back and using that time to play video games and mess with women on the net is not a valid substitute for looking for work.
I'm not saying the OP is doing this. I'm saying that if the OP were to contact me, and we hit it off...and he explained his situation, I would not have an issue with doing much less expensive things...or even picking up the bill .....AS LONG AS HE CLEARLY DEMONSTRATED HE WAS NOT LOOKING FOR A SUGAR MOMMA.
You start asking me to buy you clothes? Or we go to dinner and you get the most expensive thing on the menu? Your a$$ is outa there.
Life is a trip down communication lane. If the communication is honest, and the actions match the words, then there are no problems. | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 3/31/2009 11:46:10 AM | I'd have to agree with Rush in the post before, forgey about dating for a while until you find a job. In the meantime go out with your friends and prioritize your life. How can you expect her to follow you and be there for you when you have no idea where you're going!
Now if you meet somebody that wants you regarding your current situation then go for it, but take it really slowly. You might even want her asa friend first then see what happens.
AZS | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 3/31/2009 11:48:10 AM | If a woman would refuse to date a man simply because, in this time of economical disaster, he is unemployed, through no fault of his own, then YES, that is her problem. To refuse to date someone who has been laid off, fired, or let go due to the economic downturn of this country is the epitome of shallowness, in my opinion.
Now, if you were a person who could not or would not hold down a job, due to laziness or a bad temper, then that would be totally different. People like that are losers and NO ONE wants to get involved with that kind of a hassle. But the economy will turn around and you will find a great job. You have marketable skills, a college education and a proven track record. If a woman is too blind to see that, then you wouldn't want to be with her. The next time there is trouble of any sort, how would you know she wouldn't bolt? You want someone who wants to be with you... not your wallet.
Good luck with the job search! | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 3/31/2009 11:49:04 AM | It would be my opinion, that people in society at this time should be knowledgable and informed enough to realize that an individual's state of employment at this time probably is not a representation of their personality nor indicative of an individual's value or worth as a potential partner in life.
If you're seeking only a "good time" or a "party" then obviously you're online looking for something that probably isn't the same mind set as someone who's currently seeking employment.
But I don't see that being unemployed in our current economy should prevent anyone from dating or meeting other people simply because at this time you aren't working for a company.
Someone who didn't understand that as well - would not be anyone I would consider worth my time to date. As this seems rather obvious, common sense.
Sure there's users and abusers in EVERY situation.
A genuine and real person of merit and worth knows the difference. | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 3/31/2009 11:56:13 AM | | Yeah seriously, I am only 21 years old, I go to community college, I am unemployed because I am focused on getting my Bachelor's Degree and transfering. Plus why is it so much a turn-off for Women if a guy still lives with his parents and is unemployed? Thats stupid because I think Women should look for a guy who is financially stable and lives on his own if they are looking for a potential husband. Because I am not looking to get married anytime soon, I just want to date and have a girlfriend. | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 3/31/2009 11:58:25 AM | ^^^^ I second both ForumFilly, and GSB.
Hang in there, OP. It truly IS tough all over; more so now, than ever before. | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 3/31/2009 12:00:16 PM | | hey bd. think of the phrases (its money that matters and no money no honey) and realize that your chances are very slim of finding a woman that'll give you the time of day. i've been on disability for the last two years rehabbing a knee injury and when women find out i don't have much money they warp out faster than the enterprise. women don't understand unemployment because it happens very rarely to them. their jobs aren't being shipped overseas and they don't lose jobs due to affirmative action. i read an article in the 90s that compared mens job losses to womens that showed that the men lost more than a million jobs in the last 5 recessions for a total of 5.9 million jobs while the women gained 175,000 jobs during the same time. even if you find one, her friends and family will put pressure on her to dump you. when they say that money isn't that important they mean as long as you make at least 50k. good luck | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 3/31/2009 12:00:26 PM | | Most women I have dated look for security in rfelationship. Finances is one part of that. I wish you can find a great job. | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 3/31/2009 12:01:37 PM |
women don't understand unemployment because it happens very rarely to them.
Bull shit. | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 3/31/2009 12:04:44 PM | | Your focus should be on finding a job not a date. Priorities and all that. Imagine how nice it will be when you have an actual roof over your head to take your date to an actual home to. Park benches are only good if you don't have to live on one. | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 3/31/2009 12:08:28 PM | | Is 21 too old to be living with your parents? is living in an apartment okay? | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 3/31/2009 12:13:32 PM | women don't understand unemployment because it happens very rarely to them... [sic]...i read an article in the 90s that compared mens job losses to womens
Enjoy your trip to the new millenium, bugsbro. :drinking:
even if you find one, her friends and family will put pressure on her to dump you. Oh, sure... of course, she won't be able to decide for herself. :rollseyes:
when they say that money isn't that important they mean as long as you make at least 50k Even in Manhattan? 
It's a fair assumption that your lack of dating success has very little to do with your knee injury, and unemployment. | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 3/31/2009 12:22:55 PM | haha please some women are attracted to the unemployed section lol
so you wont have trouble, but if u hit a gold digger dont even think about it  | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 3/31/2009 12:27:35 PM | I can put you in touch with a couple of my exes...they've got the whole "don't have a job" thing down to a science...including "how to get a poor, hardworking single mom to let me move in with her and pay all my expenses"!
Just kidding...good luck on the job front! | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 3/31/2009 1:11:11 PM | The answer really depends on you.
With economy being what it is and the fact that you are now competing with a lot more people for the same job the odds of you not only getting a job in the same field but getting what you think of as fair compensation is likely very low. Fair compensation has been lowered drastically because of the flood of people seeking jobs. There is almost always someone equally or more skilled desperate enough for a job that they will take a much lower pay to just have a job. A lot of employers are sticking with 2008 numbers. No one I know is getting any type of bonus this year and most aren't going to get a raise. Seriously, you may well need to reevaluate the lifestyle you have become accustomed to and scale way, way back.
Until you get you figured out, dating probably should be put on the back burner. Of course if you meet someone that just wows you, go for it. Otherwise, it's a great time to prioritize your life and figure out what is most important to you and where your future is going.
If you have have the resources to continue dating, then by all means go for it. I was out of work for a year a couple years ago. I wasn't financially burdened by it and it didn't effect my lifestyle so I dated. If I lost my job today I wouldn't be in the same position. I would be so busy working two jobs (flipping burgers, ringing up groceries.. whatever I could find in the immediate and considering even McDs and Taco Bell isn't even hiring.. whoa) that I simply wouldn't have time or the inclination.
Definitely be honest about your situation when asked. Some of the best dates I have been on didn't cost a dime. Remember, it's not what you do but who you do it with that makes it so enjoyable. Start out with dates that aren't high end. Save those for special occasions and not first dates. Reevaluate your worth as a person that has nothing to do with how much you bring to the table. Focus on that and make it a focal point while dating. Sure, there are going to be plenty of women who will pass. Plenty of women who will make judgment calls about it (like if they spring for dinner once they will feel they have the right to interject how you should be spending your time and how you should be willing to take any job in the moment while continuing to look for what you want.. meh). There will also be plenty of women in the exact same position who will understand and make a great friend as well as plenty who will like you regardless if you are a worthwhile person to know. Make sure you are.
Best of luck. | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 3/31/2009 1:25:01 PM | bugsbro: women don't understand unemployment because it happens very rarely to them.
Not true....I became unemployed in January due to this wonderful economic atmosphere that we are currently in. I have been in the working world since I was 18 (actually before as I worked a part time job during high school) During my career I have experienced job loss three times before this....each time because the company I worked for had either gone belly up, or developed serious financial problems. The ast time I lost a job due to a recession was in 2001. It took me about 1 month before I found another job. This time is proving to be much more difficult. I have sent out at least 100 resumes and have had only one nibble.
I could whine about it and blame it on things like age discimination (I'm over 50) but I feel that is just getting stuck in negative stereotyping. I attribute it to there being so many looking for work vs jobs available. The competition is incredible and that is just the facts.
As far as dating right now, I'm not really looking. | |
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Rush™
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Joined: 2/17/2009
Msg: 19 | |
| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 3/31/2009 1:38:38 PM | There's gon' be some stuff you gon' see
that's gon' make it hard to smile in the future.
But through whatever you see,
through all the rain and the pain,
you gotta keep your sense of humor.
You gotta be able to smile through all this bullshit.
Remember that.
Mmm, yeah.
Keep ya head up.Yeah.
Words of wisdom, from the greatest rap artists ever. Couldn't have said, it better than Tupac.
Keep ya head, OP! | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 3/31/2009 1:51:56 PM | First let me say, I wish the very best of luck to you OP. While I know it's of no consolation I'm thinking this experience might be beneficial to you as a recruiter in dealing with candidates once you land. I'm also in job-search mode, laid off mid-November. I have a very robust and lengthy work history and great experience - and with the exception of two years I've held a job since I was 14 years old. It's challenging out here right now and I can completely empathize with the journey of interviews you described.
I think what you'll find are there are women out here that will get it, and women that won't . And yes, contrary to what another poster said there are women out here that have experienced job loss through no fault of their own. And if a woman can't deal with an economical date, is she a woman you really want to become involved with?
For me it's not about money at any time, a day at the park or a museum are always ideal dates for me, regardless of economic conditions.
The thing for me about dating/getting to know someone during this time is something you stated so well:
harder for me to "stay in my happy place"
Some days it's a huge struggle to maintain a consistent 'happy place' than it ever has been for me - and I've been through this once before.This time it's harder because of the economic outlook and the current job-market. And, I'll admit, I have a hard time letting someone see me at my worst. The flip side of that is life isn't always up, so if they can stand a little bit of a roller coaster ride now, think of how much better it will be once I'm back on my feet.
You have to decide for yourself what you think you can handle right now beyond the financial aspect. But please know there are women out there that will get it.
Again, best of luck to you. | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 3/31/2009 1:57:59 PM | Well... If I had received an employment offer that was beneath what I felt was fair compensation, I would still have accepted the offer. I've always found it so much easier to find a different job when I'm already working. I've changed jobs 4 times in the last 18 months and it was only in the last one that I didn't leave on a Friday and start my new one the following Monday. I had to wait 3 weeks with my new one and that was because it is government. But, I realize that isn't your question...
I don't see any reason for you not to date while you are unemployed. I think any woman who has her eyes open to what is happening with the economy will understand that dating you will open up her learning how to enjoy the simpler things in life. That's not a bad thing and your financial situation is only a date's business insofar as she needs to understand that you are operating on limited funds and use her common sense. You might have to choose women who have common sense rather than the high maintenance types. That's not a bad thing either. It's a damn good way to separate the strong from the weak and the givers from the takers...
Unemployment is really easy to get too bummed out from. I think you should do what it takes to keep your spirits up and your confidence at a healthy level. | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 3/31/2009 2:03:48 PM | Find a job. Then date.
If you can pay all of your own bills and still have a little to date for the next year, then go ahead and date.
But I would be focused on getting some type of part time job at least until something better comes along. | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 3/31/2009 2:04:34 PM | RE: Msg. #9
Not all women are interested in a Sugar Daddy or someone to 'take care' of them. Many of us are interested in the truly important things he has... his personality, his morals, his sense of humor, his consideration, his intelligence, his compassion... the things that you cannot buy. Sure there are some women who judge a man by his bank account., but there are men who do the same. To each their own. For me, I would rather be with a man who has a surplus of integrity and heart than a surplus of money. You can go broke in no time (check out Bernie Madoff's clients) and lose everything and what then? But the person you truly are inside won't vanish. And that means more than all the money in the world.
Bugsbro, I don't know who screwed you over, but it happens to us women also. Get over it. We weren't the one(s) who hurt you. To blame the entire female gender for the actions of a few is ludicrous. If you resent us all so much, why are you even on here? | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 3/31/2009 2:11:04 PM | My own quote from another similar thread...
I'm lucky to have a career that is relatively recession proof, I did loose out on a bonus but I make pretty good money on my own. Relationships are a partnership, 50/50. When dating...it's not about the money spent on the date but the company you're with. There are plenty of free or inexpensive things to do. However, when looking long term you want to know that the person you are with can be self supportive or contribute depending on the living situation.
If I were to meet a great guy that had been laid off but had a sensible plan in mind for himself and was actively seeking employment, no problem. In reality, it's none of my business in the early stages. Yet, I have met a few guys that don't have a job, don't have a plan, don't have a car, don't have a place of their own. Quite honestly, that's a turn off. Not because of the money specifically but it just shows me a lack of self worth.
OP...definitly focus on finding a job but don't sell yourself short in the dating pool. While it may be a turn off for some women, this can be the time to find the one who is most understanding. | |
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| Dating while unemployed
Posted: 3/31/2009 2:11:45 PM |
one firm offered a position whose compensation, according to their illustration using numbers from 2008, would NOT pay my rent
I don't think the issue with the job he was offered was that it was below what he felt he should be compensated but rather that it wouldn't pay enough to keep a roof over his head. There's a difference. | |
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