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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 3/31/2009 12:27:36 PM | Hi...I'm looking for answers or even some advice.
A little background first. In Jan '08 I met a very special woman and we developed a relationship quickly which lasted about 10 months. She's 37 with no children and I'm 42 with a daughter, I've never been married. She had just come out of a divorce about 4 months earlier...my previous relationship ended about 6 months prior but I was ok and had no 'baggage'. She believed she was ok with her feelings she may have had left over and felt she was ready for a new relationship. To this day still I am not sure why she divorced her husband but all I do know is he hurt her "to her core' as she said, but there wasn't 'cheating involved', and she got tired of 'it'..she was only married to him for a year. I also know he was somewhat possessive and obsessed. I never dug deeper with her only because she didn't want to talk about it until she was ready...so I backed off that entire subject.
Well the first several months were very intense, I was laid back taking things day by day, she 'chased' me down and she before me fell very much in love, I followed. Everything seemed so 'picture perfect'...after 4-5 months she started planning a future ( I didn't object) asking me to marry her (I felt it was too soon but didn't say no or yes only we need to get to know each other better, she was ok with that), planning on living together, and even wanting a child. During the summer, things started to change, she became more distant at times lasting a couple days saying she didnt want to be bothered, this hurt me but she always came right back like nothing happened. By now I was very much in love. I felt she still had 'baggage' and we both decided to slow down and pace it all...I just didnt want to mess anything up. She wouldnt open up and talk about what I felt was bothering her, her past and she probably still had feelings for her ex.
During all this time I did everything a man was supposed to do...she never doubted my feelings weren't genuine, and we were very close friends as well.
By September I felt things were really on track and finally decided to propose to her...she was so happy, she cried a little, but said she wanted to think. I wasn't shocked by her response, I just knew then she may have been becoming emotionally tired from having feelings for me and maybe some left for her ex still.
A couple weeks later while everything seemed normal...she had a trip planned with family, I even paid for her trip knowing she may need some time alone and away to 'think'...well that was the last time she spoke to me. While she was away I tried to call and text her wanting to see how it was going...she wouldn't answer. She returned a week later and the first time I ran into her(yes we work together, but different shifts and we only cross paths maybe about 2-3 hours a week) I asked what was happening...she responded with a very harsh attitude saying"leave me alone" and walking away. This was the first week of October...I tried to contact her either by phone or at work each time either she wouldn't answer or at work displayed this terrible attitude treating me in a very cruel way...either walking away, or saying "leave me alone, I don't want to talk right now." I asked at one time do you even care for me still and she said no...later near Christmas she said she didn't mean that and "let me miss you, let me talk to you when I'm ready"... Needless to say I had no idea what had happened and it hurt me deeply...I started to wonder if I was feeling depression...I got my act together and tried to accept without any answers what had happened, but it was extremely hard.
Around Christmas I found out she started seeing someone else who works with her,when I was able to confront her about it-she lied about it saying no, and she still acted very cruelly towards me, almost flaunting it in my face, this person is someone who in the past she said was only a coworker and neither of them look at each other in this way...I started to realize she was intentionally pushing me away and she did it in a way that was cruel I feel.
I now 5 months later still don't understand what happened or why she is so cruel towards me...I almost wish I did do something wrong so I could say, oh thats why...but I was only good to her and showed so much love.
One thing I want to add...I have no doubts she did care as deeply as she said throughout all this, our friendship was very close, she wrote a letter to me at the beginning of our relationship saying "I feel stronger for you then I ever did for my ex when we were dating" and that I was a breath of fresh air and made her feel she could open back up to a man...also throughout the first few months this happened til Christmas I did email her trying to find out what was happening or what happened...asking for her to help, she never responded.
Now I know what alot of people say...I should just move on, get over her, learn my lessons,..I know these things and as hard as its been I finally a couple months ago started on that road...it's taken me a while but it was hard on me. I still do care very deeply and I miss even just our basic friendship(she still won't speak to me, and acts as if she never knew me when we do pass at work ocassionally) and this still hurts me...I try to show none of this bothers me but I'm sure she can see it does sometimes... about 6 weeks ago I did approach her to talk...the only thing she said was, and she was angry it seemed, was "I just didn't want to be bothered, I moved on, and I met someone".
If anyone has any insight as to what happened or maybe why please share that, I still hurt and it does effect how I deal with others I may meet or have met in my life, honestly I feel she still does care for me but for some reason she just can't handle any form of 'love' in her life at this time...I also feel that this new thing she has is just something 'easy' for her right now...
To be honest if you can't already tell...yes I do wish we still were together and I do hope she does still care and maybe one day we can rekindle what we had, I do feel she was my 'the one'...but I don't let this thought keep me from trying to move forward and hold onto something that may not be there. | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 3/31/2009 12:49:25 PM | Not following the rules will result in you being banned and your account deleted, so I am going to address the OP's post instead of just negating the OP's concern by making rude and unnecessary comments about the OP and his post.
But my comment will be brief.
You will never know what happend. You will never be able to rationalize her behavior. You will never know if you did something wrong or not.
Let it go.
Pick up your heart and next time when someone pushes "I love you" or pushes "relationship" (other than agreeing to sexual monogamy for safety sake) or pushes "marriage" before you've been together for quite some time .....realize that likely they are a few geese short of a V.....
When the WORDS come THAT easily THAT rapidly, one can generally assume there are little to no real feelings behind the words. Look at the actions always, instead. And attempt to read microexpressions and body language.
This one is done and over. She will do the same thing to the next guy. And the next guy. And the next guy.
Hang in there. | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 3/31/2009 12:49:59 PM | Stocker? If you mean Stalker, then no I didn't get that... it seems OP is understandably upset at this situation. Now OP, unless you're leaving out something obvious, it would seem she decided while on this trip she was not really ready for a committed relationship... That is the only thing that really makes sense to me. As to why she's acting this cruel, I think maybe she feels like crap inside and is just trying to push you away so you'll forget about her.
All I can say is, when people act cold like this for no real reason, and refuse to communicate at all in any mature way, it pisses me off to no end. Absolutely frustrating and makes me almost resent the person for being this way. I've experienced being on the receiving end of this "cold" treatment from various different people, and it never could make sense to me. She needs to grow the F up and tell you what it is just what the F*king hell she was thinking when she got into this relationship with you, only to screw you over mentally. But I have a feeling she's a cowards and will never own up to what she really is thinking and that will drive you mad, so just move on as hard as it will be.  | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 3/31/2009 12:52:04 PM | There's a reason, she just isn't telling you what it is. That's a very abrupt turnaround. It sounds like she found out, or realized, something about you, both during the summer and again while she was away (or, you did something you're leaving out, probably because you're unaware of it), that ultimately utterly changed her opinion of you.
Whether or not whatever-it-is is realistic or reasonable, there's no way to tell from here, all I can see that I'm sure of is that the woman was and is furious with you. | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 3/31/2009 1:01:08 PM | yeah, I didn't understand what that guy meant by STOCKER either? Stalker or Stocker, wth...
Anyway, acefed, your story is long, but you did pour your heart out, I know the feeling - almost as if somebody close to you died. You wake up in the morning, and remember what happened, and piece of you is missing...
Aren't you close to somebody close to her - co-worker, friend, family member... somebody who can help you put your mind in rest. I know this "come on, get a life, move on" is so easy for other to say, but after being duped like that - it would be certainly nice to get some answers... I know people can be cruel/mean, they like to gossip, but if she completely shut you down - and you know a good soul who's close to her and can enlighten you... I have a feeling however, if she behaves like that (quite negative), that's it. | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 3/31/2009 1:05:23 PM | Would you really want to get back together with a woman who is capable of this kind of behavior?? Do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering "What did I do wrong?"
Move on...somewhere out there is a woman who will treat you the way you deserve. | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 3/31/2009 1:06:15 PM | Hi acefed, thats a very eloquent post.I feel its the confusion about what happened has created this situation for you.Your ex and she is an ex ,never broke up properly with you and explained why she split with you.I suspect it was guilt over her behaviour that cause her to avoid you and be so callous.Each time she sees you , she is reminded of what a biatch she was to you.I cant believe , she let you pay for that trip, that was low and selfish.
Your were her rebound man, sadly and as soon as she felt better, she was off.Beware of people who rush into things,before they even know you. Her behavior in the beginning rose red flags for you and made you uneasy.Never ignore these feelings, they are usually spot on.Spme people get high on the early romance chemicals and split when the honeymoon stage is gone.
Getting you; may have been an ego boost after her divorce and she never saw you as an individual with feelings.You seem a nice, sincere loving man, but you are wasting your tender feelings on this female.This woman has behaved appallingly and selfishly.She threw you away like an old rag and used you.Why are you still pining for her.You would be better counting your blessings, you did not marry her.She clearly has baggage and issues.
Time to get your life back. This person is not worth your time or trouble.Get out there and find a nice girl, who is mature and kind, who will love you, as you deserve.
This one is a no go area.Pay no more attention to her at work and keep your head held high, you did nothing wrong.No more letters, talks or texts, its over and your a lucky boy to be rid of her.She was one nasty bovine. | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 3/31/2009 1:09:43 PM | IMO, you dodged a bullet.
What I don't get is that you still want her back even after she has treated you so deplorably.
Are you into self-flagellation?
If so, why?
Think about these two things instead of worrying why. You may never know why she did this, but hopefully you can figure out why you would even consider taking her back. That's the problem you need to solve.
Sequoyah | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 3/31/2009 1:19:31 PM |
...well that was the last time she spoke to me.
While she was away I tried to call and text her wanting to see how it was going...she wouldn't answer.
I asked what was happening...she responded with a very harsh attitude saying"leave me alone" and walking away.
I tried to contact her either by phone or at work each time either she wouldn't answer or at work displayed this terrible attitude treating me in a very cruel way...either walking away, or saying "leave me alone, I don't want to talk right now."
about 6 weeks ago I did approach her to talk...the only thing she said was, and she was angry it seemed, was "I just didn't want to be bothered, I moved on, and I met someone"
honestly I feel she still does care for me but
Dude, perhaps you should have seen the situation when she first did not return your calls or emails. But perhaps you need to move on and realize that it was long gone. | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 3/31/2009 1:22:53 PM | You have to convince yourself that someone you loved really really
hurt you and wants you to go away. Until you do, you harbor hope that
things will eventually work out.
It's easy to say move on...get over it. But you keep asking yourself why?
You'll probably never have the answer...and you'll move on in your own time.
Sometimes life just sucks...it's true.
Boo | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 3/31/2009 1:37:18 PM | I can so relate to you and I'm sorry to say....you have one heck of a long road ahead of you.
It's been a year for me (similar situation as yourself) and I have to tell you that I really don't know how I'm doing even at this point.
I tried dating, just isn't the answer....in fact...makes things worse because I know my heart is with this man. For the life of me I don't understand him nor me for that matter. I hope to never, NEVER encounter anything like this again. This experience has so rocked my world that at times I don't know who I am! And I can't believe that I am hearing myself admit that. I have been in one hell of a spin. The whole mess of it is indescribable and not of this world.
I am waiting for him....still....f*cking nuts. I should be angry with him, and I should write him off, and I should do everything that I would say to my best friend....but I don't feel any of that.....like I said, it's been a year and I still hurt and I still wait. I am doing my best to go forward, I go to work everyday and I make plans with friends and I try to keep as much normalcy as I can...but when those feelings for him come to the surface again....I don't recognize myself. I don't have answers and I understand that the likelihood of getting any are slim, but even without the answers, bloody hell I am in love with him.
I hope you are able to get past this quicker than I have been able to. It's like a disease.
I sincerely wish you the best and I am deeply sorry that you have been treated this way...I know the pain of it. | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 3/31/2009 1:38:02 PM | | From what you describe, her behavior is impulsive and erratic, and she seems mentally unstable; perhaps she suffers from some type of personality disorder. In any case, my advice is to FORGET her; avoid her at work; lose her number; do not talk with her; no contact whatsoever. Sayonara! Goodnight, Irene. | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 3/31/2009 1:39:38 PM | From your side of the story, it was her who did everything wrong and you were Mr. Perfect through the whole thing. I doubt that is true. I am sure if she gave her side, she would be able to tell us a story that is different than the one you provided us with. There has to be a reason why she went from hot to cold and so quickly. Most people do not have a perfect relationship, walk out of it for no reason whatsoever and then get into a relatioship with someone else. I am not saying it is not possible, but most people do not do this. I just think there is more to this story.
Some of my thoughts are that even if she told you she was free of issues with her husband, it was too soon for her to get into a relationship and that was the first error on both your parts. If you wanted to believe her, I understan that but things should have been taken more slowly.
She wanted too much too soon from you and you should have seen that as a big red flag, error number two.
While she was on vacation you tried to get into contact with her. I understand the frustration at not being able to get into contact with her but keeping on calling seems to be the actions of someone who is desperate. I'm sure that you were worried about her but calling or trying to get into contact with her as much as did during that time is overboard. Maybe she just went on a vacation to have fun. I do not think though it was proper for her not even to call to say she got there safely or anything.
When she came back you ran into her at work and I understand you wanting to talk right away but the workplace is never ever a place to bring these issues to. I understand her saying she did not want to talk about it and walk away. But as an adult she should have at least told you she would talk to you after work about it. Work is for work and relationship issues should not be brought up there.
After that you kept calling and trying to get her to talk to you. You also kept approaching her work. That is a mistake. At this point you should have gotten the hint and left her alone. We cannot make someone talk to us or make someone give us closure. I know that is what you wanted but people ar under no obligation to give us that.
When you found out she was dating someone else you said you 'confronted' her about it. Why was there a need to confront. It is her life now and you two were no longer together.
Then after that you kept bugging her to give you closure. This is where it gets creepy to me. I understand why you did it but that does not make it right. I am not saying you were stalking her but you had no right to keep contacting her over and over again to find out why. We don't always get to know why.
All you can do now is learn the lesson, keep it in your mind so you don't make the same mistakes and carry on.
But I think you are in a state of denial if you think you did nothing wrong at all.
~Carrie | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 3/31/2009 1:53:30 PM | It's all about CLOSURE...the never ending, why's, how's, etc etc...OP, as painful as it is for you right now stop trying to find the reasons why the truth is we all do the same thing to a certain degree, especially when we're unaware of the warning signs/red flags...It's easy for me and anyone else on here to assume all sorts of things about this woman, but just reading her brief history tells me that this woman will be chasing rainbows for a very long time...
Try and give yourself closure by accepting that everything really does happen for a reason...Closure unfortunately is only ever achieved in hindsight...
I do hope that this experience won’t make you a bitter person, and know that not every experience will be the same. | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 3/31/2009 2:00:42 PM | Hormones, thrill of the chase, serial heartbreaker..who knows.
More importantly you are not a *stocker* (okay, not sure if that means you stock cans in a grocery store, or stalker). I think you are trying to make sense of something that has no reason. If you're looking for closure in order to heal you had best put that on a back burner.
Lastly OP you need to come to terms that there is no going back for her. When you let this one go the real deal just may come smack you upside the head, and this woman will only register as lesson learned.
FYI *the one* will want you as much as you want her so, this was not *the one*. | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 3/31/2009 2:02:01 PM | She decided she did not want to marry you and didn't have the balls to tell you that instead of acting like a b!tch.
There is nothing to know, she is flawed, find someone who appreciates the way you treat them.
Closure is a gift you give yourself. Look in the mirror and say I don't want her, over and over until you believe it. | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 3/31/2009 2:03:18 PM | If she was your "one" she would still be with you!
Your not asking for her reason so you can have closure. You looking for something you can say you will change so she will come back to you.
If her disappearing and then getting involved with someone new isn't enough closure for you, nothing will be.
My advice: Go see a professional and get some much needed help. You are acting like a teenager after losing his first girlfriend. Grow up! | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 3/31/2009 2:11:27 PM | well,no matter what she told you about her previous relationship, a big part of her hadn't fully recovered from that....so whatever it is you offered at the time sure 'seemed' a whole lot better.
After a bit of time, she got more in touch with what it was that she was really looking for....unfortunately it didn't really include you , for yes, you were the rebound person.
On another note, whenever you ask a question that smacks of..."How could he/or she give up on such a good thing without reason"? ... that is really a projection of your feelings...that is your question. She is not asking, or attempting to answer that question.
When you...when anyone digs a little bit deeper, you will always find reasons..always......for nothing happens in the order of things 'without' reason.
You'll be ok
Kimbo************************************************** | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 3/31/2009 2:15:10 PM | Acefed,
I have HUGE insight for you. Your story is classic BPD - Borderline Personality Disorder. It is the most bewildering mind-f*cking relationship to experience. You've done nothing wrong. You just got sucked into an illness, which although hard to believe, is more pain for this ex-gf than what you are experiencing. Welcome to the club.
There are books and internet forums to help you, as an ex- partner of a BPD.
I hope to never, NEVER encounter anything like this again. This experience has so rocked my world that at times I don't know who I am! And I can't believe that I am hearing myself admit that. I have been in one hell of a spin. The whole mess of it is indescribable and not of this world.
And for those of you who will undoubtedly critcize me for playing armchair psychiatrist, the above quote describes the anguish and bewilderment of someone who has "fallen" in love with a BPD. Key words in anecdotes come jumping out for those of us who have known this incredible love and inexplicable abandonment. The first word is "intense".
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 3/31/2009 2:23:03 PM | Ace,
You were her 'safe harbour' after her divorce. She clung to you to validate herself as a desirable woman, which you did. She drew strength from you and then pushed away. You were in her life for a reason, the reason was met and she moved on.
It's hard, but it happens. Let go and go live and enjoy your life with someone who's past all that and is in a 'ready' state of mind for a wonderful relationship.
Good luck | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 3/31/2009 3:00:59 PM | You've gotten some damn good advice...key word "some".
I spent a year and a half (on again off again) with someone who at first could only respond when something was apparently bothering her by saying "I don't wanna go there". Drove me nuts! Finally I said if we couldn't talk about things the relationship wouldn't work. It was then that all the past baggage (something I learned on the forums) started comming up! UNLIKE YOU (if you're telling the truth) I did somethings wrong! I'm only human!
Yeah, closure is really difficult if you don't know why it fell apart! But the red flags (something else I learned about here) were very apparent! To soon after the divorce is one major one!
We tried (I'll change that to one of us tried) 6 times to pull it together, hell, maybe that's a record for stupidity! SO, I'll tell you this, she's obviously taken a chunk out of your heart! BUT, if you really want her back, get prepared, she'll take out other chunks until she rips what's left out! Then you'll really know what a broken heart is!
Best advice...let it go, take a little more time to get over it and move on! | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 3/31/2009 3:12:17 PM | OP......
I have reacted to two relationships in the way that you are.....I can't promise that I will never be hurt again that way, BUT I CAN PROMISE MYSELF TO NOT REACT THAT WAY AGAIN!
And the last time it happened, when I was 47, I reacted in a civil way....yes, I had bouts of extreme sadness and sleeplessness....even though it was not on the front burner of my mind, I felt it was in my blood. It takes time. But I am proud that I did not act irrationally.
You know what? If you are SURE it was her and not you, who cares what the reason is?
Let it go. And when you next date someone, don't even bring her up! | |
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| How can someone just give up on a good thing without reason?
Posted: 3/31/2009 3:20:28 PM | I want to thank all who shared insight with me...but Lil Brooker I could hug you right now. I did a google search and the first article that appeared was this...
http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm
I read it very closely. It has relieved me so much, this article seems to say exactly what happened with the exception of the last part about rage, there never was rage. Anger yes.
I won't post things that my ex confided in me about her past, childhood etc...but she has had a what I believe is a tramatic life including much abandonment.
And Lil Brooker if anyone does flame you for being an armchair psychiatrist then shame on them...they can't understand what it feels like unless they have experienced it themselves.
Hi, Carrie Bradshaw, your post was also very helpful, but one thing-
"From your side of the story, it was her who did everything wrong and you were Mr. Perfect through the whole thing. I doubt that is true. I am sure if she gave her side, she would be able to tell us a story that is different than the one you provided us with. There has to be a reason why she went from hot to cold and so quickly."
I was as honest as I could be, and there are 2-sides of course, I believe if you were to meet her right now and ask what was wrong with me, or what I did wrong, and she honestly answered you...she would say nothing...no I'm not Mr Perfect, I don't claim to be, but I did care deeply for her and on the relationship level I always handled it all the way a man was supposed too, she wouldn't deny that. Maybe I ate my 'peas one by one' or something, but when it came to 'us' I was 'there' for her always, maybe too much. And by no means am I trying to paint a bad picture of her, I loved her which means she has to have had many beautiful qualities, her actions at the end though blindsided me.
Gonesailinbabe, your 100% correct I did become weak for her or a sap...I'm not proud of that but I really felt like she needed to be in control as she dealt with her own emotions, showing her I cared but was trying to give her space so she could 'heal'. Also theres a very fine line between being obsessive and showing love...each person has a different defination...I don't feel I was, and I'm honestly looking at myself and what happened when I say that.
The Rock Man...I wish I was a teenager again, but I'm not and I'm stable brother, just heartbroken. | |
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