| its been 5 months!
Posted: 4/1/2009 10:50:00 AM | Hi, I am not new to POF but new to this forum. After lying in bed this AM, sad and tears staining my cheeks, I decided to write into this forum to see if anyone can add something to the side of my head that is being logical.
Here is my story....My ex and I broke up the beginning of last November. It was a crushing blow to me, as I knew we had issues to work thru, but I had believed him that he was willing to do the work with me when I agreed to get back together with him the previous spring, after we had broken up for two months and I met someone else. It was then he felt, that the turmoil that existed in our relationship was not all me, and he had some "growing" to do as well. I took him back and things were great. Until August, then we started to argue again. I put a stop to it by realizing that I had put this man thru a lot, and I thought that if I put his feelings ahead of mine, eventually we could work together as a "couple" again. But, It didn't work that way. I began to suffer from not getting my emotions cared for......So, that November night, after a fight (he was the screamer, I just shut down), when he said it was over for good, I fell into a place that I thought I could never climb out of.....
Now, I wasn't perfect in this relationship. I went through a rough time personally in my life during our relationship and I didn't cope with things in the healthiest of ways and certainly not the way he would have coped.
But, here we are 5 months later......he has moved on and is probably dating a great and wonderful woman. I am now dating, and have met someone that I have chemistry with (going on 3rd date tonight), but I still can't get over that feeling that if my ex knew me now, without the tough times, he would think differently of me and our relationship.
What does a person do with these feeling when you realize that there is not a chance of ever knowing "what could have been"?
I believe I am ready to date bc the first two dates with this guy, was the first time, since my ex and I broke up that I did not even think of my ex. He was no longer "in the room" with me on a date. It was a GREAT feeling!
Thanks for reading and letting me ramble.
Dermgirl | |
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| its been 5 months!
Posted: 4/1/2009 10:57:26 AM |
What does a person do with these feeling when you realize that there is not a chance of ever knowing "what could have been"?
You remind your self that you took things as far as you both had the capacity to go, at the time. You extract the positive memories and the lessons learned, and toss the negative stuff in the trash. Then you turn your head back around so it's facing forward, and focus and appreciate all the fabulous things in your life now. Change is hard, even when it's for the better. Hugs to you girlfriend, keep moving forward. | |
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| its been 5 months!
Posted: 4/1/2009 10:59:10 AM |
What does a person do with these feeling when you realize that there is not a chance of ever knowing "what could have been"? You learn from it. You realize you have grown, changed, evolved, become a better person. If you didn't go through this situation, you would not have had the opportunity to grow up.
If you had issues to work through while in the relationship, then let's hope you have worked through them so that they don't become a problem in your next one.
If you went through a rough time and didn't cope very well, then you know the next time you'll cope better.
If you were with someone who was a difficult, argumentative screamer who didn't meet your emotional needs, who you are today doesn't change who he is. In fact, if he saw you today, he might find your growth and enlightenment unattractive.
You think if he saw you now, he'd fall to his feet and think you're too wonderful to resist but the truth is ... you're probably not emotionally unhealthy enough for him now. | |
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| its been 5 months!
Posted: 4/1/2009 11:02:16 AM | | At some point it stops being about the end of the relationship, and starts being about ending the depression. The past is worth looking at if doing so helps you learn, but not if that comes at the price of staying depressed. If there are any lessons, you'll see them right away once you get over the depression and look back with a clear mind. As long as the depression lasts, nothing your brain tells you can be trusted, because depression paints things black. So the first step is to recover from depression. Then, if you still want to think about the past, do so from a happy frame of mind. | |
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| its been 5 months!
Posted: 4/1/2009 11:21:46 AM | | Thank you!!!! That is a great piece of advice. My head knows this too, I am just having a hard time wrapping my arms around it. | |
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| its been 5 months!
Posted: 4/1/2009 6:52:40 PM | | I learned I gave to much and didn't get enough in return. In witch turned my ex into a taker. So when I bought a house the one she wanted and gave her a car among other thing's lot's of little thing that don't mean much. When I hit a hard point and couldn't go do thing's it put a huge strain on everything. Like you I love her to death and always will and ya sad to say or you could say it's what I want I'd take her back. I have several times thought I was over and done and I see her cry and it over for me. | |
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| its been 5 months!
Posted: 4/1/2009 7:29:27 PM | "If you can't love me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best!"
Going through tough times are a part of life...I believe that two people are meant to be together when they become a team to help each other get through those times. We all handle things different ways and there is nothing better than someone who tries to understand where you are coming from and vise versa.
The greatest gift you can give yourself is to let it go...forgive yourself and forgive him. Loving someone isn't always about being with them. Truely loving someone is when you can realize you aren't meant to be and hoping they can be happy, even if it is in someone else's arms. You want him to be happy, right? I'm sure he wants the same for you.
I think sometimes people get tripped up on the "what could have been," but if it was really meant to be...you probably wouldn't have to ask that. Everything happens for a reason...may not know today or even tomorrow, but someday you'll look back and it'll seem so clear.
I don't have much advice, but take your time and make sure that you're ready...be honest with yourself. There are different periods and emotions people go through when getting over someone. Don't fight it, embrace it and before ya know it...you'll start feeling like you again. That's when you'll find the right one...when you love you and are being yourself for another to accept. | |
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| its been 5 months!
Posted: 4/1/2009 8:49:28 PM |
"If you can't love me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best!"
Going through tough times are a part of life...I believe that two people are meant to be together when they become a team to help each other get through those times. We all handle things different ways and there is nothing better than someone who tries to understand where you are coming from and vise versa.
The greatest gift you can give yourself is to let it go...forgive yourself and forgive him. Loving someone isn't always about being with them. Truely loving someone is when you can realize you aren't meant to be and hoping they can be happy, even if it is in someone else's arms. You want him to be happy, right? I'm sure he wants the same for you.
I think sometimes people get tripped up on the "what could have been," but if it was really meant to be...you probably wouldn't have to ask that. Everything happens for a reason...may not know today or even tomorrow, but someday you'll look back and it'll seem so clear.
I don't have much advice, but take your time and make sure that you're ready...be honest with yourself. There are different periods and emotions people go through when getting over someone. Don't fight it, embrace it and before ya know it...you'll start feeling like you again. That's when you'll find the right one...when you love you and are being yourself for another to accept.
What a beautiful post! I laughed at the irony of your 1st sentence in your last paragraph: "I don't have much advice." You entire post nailed it. It was very uplifting and I do believe in those values as well.
Well put  | |
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| its been 5 months!
Posted: 4/2/2009 1:21:27 AM | "I am too old for games "
Your right......don't play games with guys online if your not ready to ...
Not fair to you..not fair to them. | |
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| its been 5 months!
Posted: 4/2/2009 1:50:33 AM | The first things was probably getting back together, that's almost never a good thing to do because the hard feelings from last time might rise up at any second and bite your relationship in the butt.
You should not dwell on what might have been, that will only make you feel negatively what you should do instead is think about the future you have ahead of you in a positive light, and remember the good times you had in the past. | |
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| its been 5 months!
Posted: 4/2/2009 3:07:25 AM | You say you know what the wrong things were that contributed to the relationship being in turmoil that's good so you know not to repeat them.
Here is the thing he is no longer a factor he said its over and it is.
Here is the good news you aren't wasting anymore of your precious life in toxic relationship.
You are now free to find who you are really suppose to be with.
Love takes work and its not perfect but above all love is happiness and if neither of you are making each other happy it can't be love. The absolute best way I know to get over someone is to invest time in yourself.
Been needing to work out? do it? Been wanting a vacation? take it? Need affection? Puppies are awesome. Make your life better so that you will be like ya I'm glad my life is not where it was when I met him and I don't want to go back to that or him. | |
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| its been 5 months!
Posted: 4/2/2009 5:04:10 AM | Wha???
Sounds to me that while he may not be "in the room" (as you say), he's in the hallway peeking into the room.
I don't think you are being fair to the new guy or yourself. You will be thinking of the ex when the new guy does anything it seems.
Do not date anybody for another couple of months or at least until you can let go completely. | |
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| its been 5 months!
Posted: 4/2/2009 5:38:23 AM |
am now dating, and have met someone that I have chemistry with (going on 3rd date tonight), but I still can't get over that feeling that if my ex knew me now, without the tough times, he would think differently of me and our relationship.
Hate to say it girlfriend, but you are still hung up on your ex and really shouldn't be dating. It isn't fair to the new guy you are seeing because you are still grieving your loss.
What does a person do with these feeling when you realize that there is not a chance of ever knowing "what could have been"?
You take time, deal with those feelings in a healthy way, THEN move on. I hate to say it, but you are using this new guy as a band-aid to mask your feelings. You state your ex "isn't in the room" when you are with him, but he is since you are still dealing with the emotional fallout of the 9th break up you have had with your ex he is in all actuality "in the room" and it isn't fair to the new person you are seeing.
- Which again brings up my Golden Rule of Relationships: Once you walk out the door and say are are finished, then you are. This rule applies to both parties and is nontransferrable. - Because once you start taking someone back, it leads to the destructive pattern of the on/off again shit that can last for years on end and it isn't healthy. - Translation: Never break up with someone more than once.
It is when you stop second-guessing yourself that you are truly ready to move on. Take some time, heal, and reflect. Then move on. | |
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| Your situation
Posted: 4/2/2009 5:54:39 AM | I just spent 21 years of my Life in a situation like this. Always waiting for things to work out. Working really hard. Allowing myself to be hurt, but always telling myself things would get better. You know what , they never will. I just started trying to find someone on these websites and I feel like I am cheating on my ex, but you know, he still hasn't called me after our last fight. He never does. He waits for two months and then assumes I will still be here waiting. I won't be this time, it's too late and maybe he won't treat the next woman this way. I thank you for what you wrote. I refuse to take my ex on any of my new dates.
Good Luck | |
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| Your situation
Posted: 4/2/2009 10:10:06 AM | I am certainly not psycho. I did make mistakes.....and I am not proud of some of my behavior. However, admitting that makes me less of a psycho than posting such a mean reply post to someone who is reaching out for help to be a better person.
Thank you for putting things in perspective. As bad as I was in my past relationship, I will never be a cold harded B----h such as yourself. | |
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| its been 5 months!
Posted: 4/2/2009 10:31:22 AM | You must find away to interest yourself. Take up cycleing ,raquetball, tennis or take a class on something. So you can feel a since of accumplishment and self-worth. I am in a sitituation where the woman carries her emotional baggage from the past and it has soured me toward her and you don't want that to happen to you and your new friend. Not all men can compete with a shadow in there woman's mind.   | |
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| its been 5 months!
Posted: 4/2/2009 10:55:10 AM | | You bring up a very good point. Thank you. I would never want to drag my ex into my next relationship, whenever and whoever it is with. I may not have reacted well to situations in the past but I will never repeat my past mistakes with God's help. :-) | |
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