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| A vignette of contempt
Posted: 4/1/2009 12:14:35 PM | Please do not be thrown by my author's name listed above, Contempt. It is being used to emphasize the vicious contempt I experiened with a woman who was totally oblivious to the basis of a relationship; compassion, kindness and respect regardless of whether or not one is in love with another.
Like many relationships the beginning of ours was marked by a honeymoon period and good vibes. However, after approximately six months into our relationship I came late to her apartment one day and she began to scream and rant for over six hours about how I did not care for her, presenting all sorts of petty and irrelevant "evidence" to support her beliefs. All attempts to convince her otherwise were unsuccessful. In fact the tenacity and conviction of her accusations were such that it appeared that she crossed the border from normalcy to a delusional state. My perceptions were reinforced due to the fact that the following day she behaved as if nothing ever happened and she was smiling and loving as usual. My attempts to discuss the previous days occurrence were met by indifference. I believe that she was engaging in "splitting", the act of unconsciously splitting, seeing me on one day as all bad while the next as all good. Due to our having a history of six months togetther and the fact that I did care for her I decided to stick with the relationship fully aware of what I was getting into.
Time passed and on at least six other occasions she let loose with similar raving verbally abusive attacks. In hindsight I should have moved on but due to the nature of my work, which is extremely taxing and psychologically draining, I was too inert and passive and did not move on. In the interim this woman would engage in provocative actions such as disappearing at a store during a snow blizzard, making hostile comments about my personality or how I carried a newpaper under my arm and canceling dates at the last minute without any concern about its impact on me. In fact when I purchased a beautiful pendant for her birthday, one that she indicated she desired, she subsequently stated with contempt that I did not really want to buy it for her. In short I could never satisfy this person. Most recently after I spent the entire day with a dying man who did not have any family at his side, I unfortunately went to this woman's apartment for solace. After dinner she indicated that she wished to go for a walk. When I responded that I would prefer to just sit for awhile, she went into another verbal rampage lasting five or so hours. Due to the fact that I was numb from being with this dying person I was not able to physically remove myself from this woman's apartment but (foolishly) stayed. However, the following morning I spoke with her regarding our plans to go on vacation together the following week (she was to call the travel agent to make the plan but did not) and indicated that perhaps she really did not wish to go, which I fully understood and that we should take separate vacations. In fact I was saying goodbye but she did not make the connection because she responded "Where are you going"? I responded that she didn'tt have to worry because I will be OK and she retorted "I am going with you". However prior to leaving her apartment to go to work she told me that she was not certain what she wanted in life and would prefer a 'wild man" (she is a 35 year old woman who has never had a relationship with any man lasting more than three months and tended to "date" three to five man at any given time, a fact I discovered after our split).
So she contacted me latter at work and I was unavailable so she left a message on my answering machine that IF I din't answer her message she would never call me again. In turn I did not respond to this message, went on vacation by myself (met two very
nice and attractive women) and when I returned had a friend contact her to return her clothes that she had in my apartment. In the interim she left a number of messages on my answering machine indicating that there was no need for ending our relationship in such a way BUT I did not return these messages even though I still cared for her. However, I did write a farewell note wishing her and her family the best in life which my friend handed to her when she came to pick up her clothes. However, I then started to receive hangup calls, holiday cards and then a direct call when she thanked me for having the most significant impact on her life and that her body was looking hot and that she missed making love to me. When I responded that I too needed someone to have an impact on my life and that she was abusive she responded that nothing could hurt her self-esteem to which I responded that was not my intent but to be truthful. Based on her call I sent her a second letter making it clear that I wished to have no further continuity with her because I did not respect or like her as a person and that she should "have some self respect and move on like a lady". However, this past week, almost a year latter she left a message on my answering machine indicating that she would "love to have a happy ending with me" because she did not'feel "happy or complete" the way we ended. I did not return her call and do not intend to although it is painful for me to treat any person this way. I believe that her intentions are disingenious because I did not have a happy beginning or middle phase in this relationship so how am I going to have a happy ending? Just wished to share my experience and thoughts. Thanks for your "ear" guys. | |
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| A vignette of contempt
Posted: 4/1/2009 1:33:56 PM |
Perhaps you may note the times she turned into a "crazy insane person" were they once a month on a regular basis, or were they erradical...
Not that I am interested in diagnosing this gals behavior, however for your own future reference with women, a handful do suffer some total mental instability that they can be treated with meds. because of severe hormonal imbalance.
Personally a year later it would suggest a highly unstable person, one that needs to be blocked from calling you.
I would find it hard to have feelings for someone that had made your life as miserable as you state she did, however then again, I have stayed far to long in my own abusive relationship in the past, to be a judge of any kind...
I am pretty sure she things her intent is genuine, and has interest of drawing you in, and rekindling the same insanity and drama, since you passively took her abuse, and didn't run within the first three months...
It seems being less passive about the situation is what she needs, in other words, letting her know that continued harrasment will be taken as such... JAT | |
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| A vignette of contempt
Posted: 4/1/2009 2:08:18 PM | OP, since you're either familiar with the term "splitting", or used it, along with "rage", without realizing that if things are as you present, she may well suffer from "borderline personality disorder". The whole post sounds like a textbook case. It's an uncurable emotional disorder, and you are well off having her out of your life.
I strongly recommend that you check out a bestselling book on the subject "Walking on Eggshells". You can find it on amazon with just that title, but I know one of the authors is Mason. 6 months is often about the time, that you go from being "all good", to being "split black", and from then on, it's a roller coaster ride to hell. | |
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| A vignette of contempt
Posted: 4/1/2009 2:20:42 PM | FYI Renman, Borderline personality CAN be treated, through DBT or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. That is NOT to say it cures it, but rather manages it, as with any disorder that is NOT understood about the brain...
I am not to fond of the need for people to diagnose someone elses mental illness through hearsay information...
However it is important if a person is going to suggest a mental illness, they be aware that there is no set in stone inability for treatment, OR cure...
No matter this gals issues, the op has went his way, and she is behaving in a straggler sort of way... He can't diagnose her, nor can he suggest any treatment for her, especially since she seems to be unaware of her own behavior...
Another thing, Borderline personality disorder, can be coupled with, or misdiagnosed for other mental illnesses...
I am just saying... As helpful as it is to say this gal is a "text book case" none of on here really knows what her text book case really is...
JMHO... | |
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| A vignette of contempt
Posted: 4/1/2009 2:33:40 PM |
I am not to fond of the need for people to diagnose someone elses mental illness through hearsay information.
Which is why I qualified with the following disclaimers:
if things are as you present, she may well
I also recommended that the OP pick up the book "Walking on Eggshells". He lived through it, and he may feel, as he reads it, that they're "telling his story", or he may not.
No one can "diagnose" online, and it takes a qualified mental health professional to make a formal diagnosis. That being said, when someone runs into someone with a serious emotional disorder, it can leave someone very confused, disoriented, and lead to questioning his own reality.
Low functioning BPDs have shown some progress with DBT, in terms of functionality in "life survival" areas. I have never read of any treatment method that returns a BPD to "normal" function in close relationships. In an existing marriage with children, a strongly motivated BPD and a supportive partner, "might" be able to have a "functioning" day to day home, but true intimacy is a "trigger", that most therapists who work with BPDs would recommend against.
Quite frankly, based on the original post, to not mention BPD as a possibility would be, to me, to ignore the 800 lb gorilla in the room. | |
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| A vignette of contempt
Posted: 4/1/2009 5:21:51 PM | | I would have left after the first 6 minutes of ranting, you stayed 6 hours? Although she certainly must have had serious issues if your post is accurate, what I find most disturbing is your willingness to accept the poor behavior for as long as you did. Your anger at her should be redirected at yourself. You always had a choice to leave and understand that you deserved better treatment. | |
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| A vignette of contempt
Posted: 4/1/2009 5:30:02 PM | | I'm thinking your choice of name doesn't bode well for establishing new relationships. Your baggage preceeds you. That kinda doesn't work here. One of the hallmarks of maturity is the ability to leap over slights, indignities, poor choices, losses and bad relationships and move on out of the dark into the sunlight. Enjoy your life. Stop worrying about how you were wronged. You think anyone on here cares? The ship sank. Its gone. Move on. | |
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| A vignette of contempt
Posted: 4/1/2009 5:48:00 PM | Renman, it's a year later... Finally being bewildered by her strange behavior, and then as Clambroth has suggested, choosing the ID he has, this speaks more about the OP being stuck, than the issues his Ex GF may or may not have.
After a year, and she calls him, he has a choice, remain stuck and unhappy he stayed, or see life as a new day, or even new year.
He has unfinished business with her, and that is something he has to work through. We can't diagnose what is wrong with her, MAY be wrong with her... That is just wrong it itself. JMHO | |
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| A vignette of contempt
Posted: 4/2/2009 6:31:15 AM | | Thank you RenaissanceMan for your response. Yes, she has a significant personality disorder including splitting, projecting of unwanted negative behavior onto others and acting-out with provocative behaviors that results in an inability to sustain a relationship. Due to her lack of insight and narcissistic feedback from others (she is very attractive) she will most probably not be receptive to modify these behaviors. | |
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| A vignette of contempt
Posted: 4/2/2009 6:47:05 AM | RenaissanceMan, your second post in this thread was right on mark. In fact I referred my girlfriend to a highly regarded Psychiatrist who is internationally recognized for the treatment of narcissistic and borderline personality disorders. He contacted me after meeting with my girlfriend to inform me that she entered his office and told him that she came in order to evaluate whether he met her standards whereby he responded that in fact she came to be assessed by him! At that point she stormed out of his office.
This "lady" is severely impaired and as you correctly noted if I had remained I would have been pummeled psychologically. | |
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| A vignette of contempt
Posted: 4/2/2009 9:46:05 AM | | Nexthyme, as the recipient of this woman's abuse, contempt and absolute lack of compassion and empathy coupled with her overt employment of defense mechanisms such as splitting, projection, impulsivity, verbal attacks leading to spontaneous breakups of relationships over trivial issues and brief psychotic episodes, it appears that RenaissanceMan is correct in his perception that she has a borderline personlity disorder (coupled with narcissistic characteristics). The fact that she stormed out of the Psychiatrist's office when she failed to gain control ofer him is also a sign of a very narcissistic individual. Regardless of her diagnosis a relationship with her could not be sustained because whenever there was an altercation it was not possible to have a civil dialogue to work out the problem and she was incapable of seeing the other partie's perspective, only her own. | |
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| A vignette of contempt
Posted: 4/2/2009 10:04:48 AM | Carolann0308, with all due respect you appear to have a proclivity to be very critical and judgmental as well as drawing erroneous conclusions! In short, not very helpful.
In fact when this woman initially engaged in her ranting and raving behavior which was after six months of dating I was already involved and completely thrown off balance because I had never seen such behavior on her part. Initially I attempted to understand the basis for this outburst and spoke with her the following day. However, when I broached the issue with her she was smiling and related to me as if nothing occurred the previous day and the discussion just petered out. She was engaging in a process known as splitting. Subsequently she exhibited similar loss of control and acting out behavior but would return to her usual loving ways soon after.
Although there is no doubt that I should have left at that point in fact I didn't because I cared about her and am human. However, the day of the six hour rant I had just returned to her apartment after spending seven hours with a person who was dying in a hospital and was completely spaced-out and numbed. So when she went off on her rant I actually was so overwhelmed that I did not react as I ordinarily would BUT the next day ended the relationship and never returned. In fact if she did not leave a lengthy message on my answering machine this past week, a year after this "relationship" ended, which brought back some not too pretty memories, I would not have posted this thread. | |
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| A vignette of contempt
Posted: 4/2/2009 10:14:24 AM | Clambroth, my friend I am not here to establish a new relationship because I am involved with a fine woman. FYI, as I explained in the initial sentence of my post in this thread I used the name contempt NOT to establish new relationships but to point out the significant level of contempt I experienced in this relationship which has absolutely nothing to do with my "baggage:' proceeding me! In fact your off-the-top lecturing another poster as noted in your post is completely off track and appears to only reflect how you perceive yourself and your issues because it does not pertain to me whatsoever.
As I noted in a previous post the ONLY reason why I even posted this thread was because this woman contacted me a week ago, after I had cut off contact in a polite and caring manner approximately a year age, which resulted in my recall of this bad experience. However it has nothing to do with your inaccurate assessment regarding the "hallmarks of maturity, others not caring, etc, etc, etc . | |
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| A vignette of contempt
Posted: 4/2/2009 10:26:12 AM | Nexthyme, it was not a year later as you incorrectly note BUT a week ago that she left a message on my answering machine this sparked old memories. It has nothing to do wit your inaccurate statement that I am "...Finally being bewildered by her strange behavior" because as I noted in my initial post and to Renaissanceman, I was in full awareness that she had problems and referred her to a Psychiatrist because I cared about her. It is also very clear from my posts that I have no intention to rekindle this relationship AND was only presenting my thoughts and feelings about this relationship and even thanked you gus for your "ear"!
Furthermore your conclusion that I have unfinished business with her is also off the wall because IF I did not recieve her call a week ago I would have never posted on this board!
Suggestion: Please do not engage in mind reading another poster resulting in eroneous conclusions. It is unhelpful for me or others. I notice that this is commonplace on this thread whereby folks such as yourself have a tendency to project their issues and inaccurate perceptions onto another poster without having one iota of sensibility to initially ask the poster additional questions to clarify and corroborate whether your beliefs and conclusions are accurate or not. It says more about your modus operandi than about me and my issues. | |
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| A vignette of contempt
Posted: 4/2/2009 12:20:12 PM | Contempt, or now changed to comfort... You came to the forums... AND YOU stated it was a YEAR LATER, which was the point I was making...
Just because YOU have established SOME SORT OF comfort with Renman (hmmmm one in the same person???), the fact that you say the TOP psychiatrist called YOU, is a bunch of absolute BS, because that would be a violation of patient, Dr, confidentiality. I can't imagine a world class Dr putting his practice on the line for you, or anyone else...
Just because YOU referred this woman to him would IN NO WAY give you ANY rights or privileges to any conversation, or if she even went to an appointment... Thus your nasty remarks, and now personal attacks against me and others are not only unwarranted, but seem to indicate what kind of problems that are really go on.
You are projecting BS, and then selecting others to attack for your own personal contempt... NOW changing your own original post, and accusing others of nonsense that was not there.
If one of my exes that I haven't had contact with, and I supposedly knew of their mental status, I would not further the contempt against them by posting some thread about that person, as to how ODD they really were acting, and act confused as to why. Further more if I was going to post a BOGUS thread, that stated the PSYCHIATRIST personal contacted YOU, or even any spouse or family WITHOUT specific permission by the patient, which is an UNETHICAL BREACH of patient DR privilege... THUS GOING AGAINST HIPPA, I would at least make sure to keep to the facts..
Perhaps your charade works for some, but there are a few of us that actually know about patient, and or client privacy, and know that Dr's and attorneys don't breach those codes ethics...
If you had an actual story about a mentally unstable person that was true, and you actually cared about that person, you wouldn't write a thread about it, then get in to a tissy, that people wonder why after a year of NOT being with that person were you vexed at her contacting you???? Let alone the added flavor of you being in some WONDERFUL relationship with someone else, because the point after a year of NOT being with her would be totally MOOT...
Suggestion, in the future if you have a story that actually has merit and not self project of contempt against women; stick to the original story, instead of adding bogus BS, because some of us aren't as naive as you think... Further more some of us have actually worked in these fields THUS suggest others not to make random diagnosis, because that serves NO PURPOSE, unless one has an agenda to offend others...
It is apparent that was your agenda from the start... I call BS on your post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | |
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| A vignette of contempt
Posted: 4/2/2009 12:42:52 PM | Op, I've dealt with this type of illness in my family for years.
I suspected narcissim, along with borderline.
It is insidious, especially when the sufferer is not able to get a grip,
also when there are two , one fomenting the other.
Believe me, there is such a thing as those who , unaware they have it, or any disorder for that matter, go on with bizarre behaviour for endless years.
How sad it is, for one feels a sense of loss, seemingly a reach so near, yet so far.
One cannot resolve all issues, no matter how much your heart aches to do so.
I've seen the destruction that these disorders leave behind, much , if not all,
unrepairable. Also encountered some fishies onsite here with definite signs of unresolved torment. Lonliness bades they seek out some form of contact to legitamize their existence, and certainly this site is wide open, chock full of others which provides fodder for their ....'expertise'.
The confusion they endure makes them blind to their lashing out, they view their irrational talk as 'curing ' society. Cyber actually prevents us from hearing their
loud rants, though might it be interesting to insist they utilize CAPS to indicate their
rants!
[just a bit of humor there!] | |
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| A vignette of contempt
Posted: 4/2/2009 2:54:46 PM | OP, regardless of what her diagnoses is, you're rid of her. Sounds like your best bet is to not contact her again, as you've been doing, and hopefully, she will stop calling after some point.
You seemed to have become upset by some of the posters here. Your subsequent posts bothered me somewhat because you seemed to have been more upset than usual. Maybe you were just defending yourself. To me and some others, it is weird that you would have listened to this woman rant and rave for 5+ hours. I can't listen to that type of thing for 30 minutes, much less that long. But we were not there, so it's hard to know what we would have done in this situation. I just think you should take it easy on the other posters. Why get all bent out of shape over their posts? It's a free world and people were just offering opinions, which is what happens in a forum. | |
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| A vignette of contempt
Posted: 4/2/2009 4:31:07 PM | RenaisanceMan, I think
It is obvious from your previous and this response that YOU share similar traits with my former girlfriend resulting in your hyper-defensive, angry ranting response. Therefore I would appreciate if you would cease responding to MY thread. Thank you. | |
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| A vignette of contempt
Posted: 4/2/2009 4:32:54 PM | | ERROR-the above post is NOT directed to RenaisanceMan but to NEXTYHME. | |
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| A vignette of contempt
Posted: 4/2/2009 4:41:16 PM | | Meteor54, thank you for your very insightful post. Yes, these disorders can wreak havoc on relationships and family members. That is the reason I will not respond to my former girlfriend's very questionable message indicating that she wishes to have a happy ending. In fact I had the happy ending a year ago when I walked out and redefined my boundaries that she was not able to respect. | |
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| A vignette of contempt
Posted: 4/2/2009 5:03:43 PM | Cannpeters, I appreciate your feedback and perspective. The fact that we are in cyberspace and not face-to-face makes it more essential that we do not draw premature conclusions about a poster that we know nothing about. If uncertain about a poster's motivations or the basis for their actions for behaving in a certain manner we should primarily ask questions to provide us with the information that would clarify our understanding instead of impulsively projecting what we think is going on in the poster or to create a scenario of their relationship which never occurred. To do otherwise is not helpful and merely makes the poster feel misunderstood.
BTW, although you may feel it is "weird" to listen to this woman rant for five hours in fact I was not listening and as I mentioned was completely tuned out due to being with another person who was critically ill (dying) for seven hours. Most importantly, I ended the relationship the following day. As you correctly noted "...we were not there, so it's hard to know what we would have done in this situation", and that Cannpeters is the bottomline. Regards. | |
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| A vignette of contempt
Posted: 4/2/2009 5:09:46 PM | OP, at 6:31 AM you wrote:
Thank you RenaissanceMan for your response.
At 6:47 AM you wrote:
RenaissanceMan, your second post in this thread was right on mark
At 2:30 PM, without me having posted anything new, you wrote:
<div class="quote">RenaisanceMan, I think
It is obvious from your previous and this response that YOU share similar traits with my former girlfriend resulting in your hyper-defensive, angry ranting response.
This rapid "mood shift" is, to me, indicative of a "problem", as is the combative attitude towards several other posters. In any case, it's not important to my life, but it's pretty clear that there are "issues" beyond your ex-girlfriend. For the source of some of your difficulties, I suggest you look in a mirror. | |
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| A vignette of contempt
Posted: 4/2/2009 5:19:17 PM | | Renaisanceman, please except my apology for the error above which I corrected with a followup post. And once again thank you for your extremely relevant insights into a disorder that is very prevalent and potentially destructive to any relationship. Regards. | |
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| A vignette of contempt
Posted: 4/2/2009 5:34:07 PM | | Renaisanceman, it is not a "mood shift" or any other esoteric psychological issue but name confusion whereby I was thinking of what you previously stated while responding to the other poster resulting in my mistakenly placing your name on the post rather than the poster for which it was intended. Once again sorry for the confusion | |
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| A vignette of contempt
Posted: 4/2/2009 5:52:31 PM | | Yet another drive-by poster or creative writing major enters our midst. | |
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