OMG! You Can't Be Serious! Free Dating, Singles and Personals

OMG! You Can't Be Serious! Posted: 4/3/2009 6:49:08 AM
This story is hopefully a humorous, even if a somewhat exaggerated, journey into the minds of people. I actually subjected myself to the brutal ordeal described below, and helped 4 other people with it. It is a combination of human insecurities, specific to our little group, but I believe inherent in all people. My hope is to remind people to not take themselves so seriously! Remember we all think a lot of the same things. We all have weaknesses and more importantly we all have strengths. Never forget to play to your strengths and learn from, but laugh at, your weaknesses! In my vast experience with on line dating, (2 and a half weeks now), a number of issues have arisen. I encountered my first problem when filling out my profile. Right off the bat, it demands I make a decision on what type of relationship I am looking for under the drop down labeled “SEEKING”. Hummmm, one would think this would be easy to answer. This is an on line DATING site, so the automatic assumption is, I am looking for a date. However, you drop the menu down, and discover you must pick only one, of a number of appealing choices offered. I see “FRIENDS” well, silly menu, I wouldn't want a relationship with an enemy! I would want to be friends first, of course. The problems that arise with this choice are , #1. If I select this option, my soul mate may pass me by because he is looking for forever (or, as better known on the dating net work, “LONG-TERM”), and is tired of casual friendships that never go anywhere. #2. The chance I am going to go from 0 to Long-term in 60 seconds, is pretty slim, but it would be the ultimate option. So, do I bear my soul in the first drop down, or leave that for the “description” area? #3. I love friends. My favorite friends are all men (no romance involved). If I don't select this option, I could miss out on some great friendships. Ok, I decide to give my brain a rest on that one and consider some of the other options. “HANG OUT”. Again, I am bored I love friends, I like to “hang out”, but will I sound like I'm 16 and haven't gotten a new PS game in months? Moving on we come to "TALK AND EMAIL". I personally like talk and email, but some of the men I would be interested in, might not like wasting time emailing like a texting teenager. I love really smart guys, I always have. This is true in my friends, email pals, hang out buddies, and romances. Smart is so sexy! OOOPS, Sorry, I side track easily. Anyway, really smart guys are usually very busy also, they don't always have time to mess with such things. Not unappealing, and not a problem. I have a heck of a time keeping up with email myself, but we will reserve that discussion for later. Next we see “other relationship” This choice seems to encourage your imagination to run wild trying to figure out what that means, but I choose to ignore this one, as I am sure it is not for me. Then AT LAST, an easy one! We see “INTIMATE ENCOUNTER”. Definitely not for me, so I have finally muddle through to the final choice, “ACTIVITIES PARTNER”. Crap, here we go again. I'm active I like to have other people around when I'm doing active things, of course I'd like an activities partner. I keep thinking there must be a reason this is a separate option from the rest. Does this mean ONLY activities, don't even think "friendship", "email pal", or "long term"? Best to not chose it, just in case. Now that I have wasted an hour and a half, unsuccessfully trying to select the right choice for the first drop down, I steel my self for another dozen drop down menus. I am wondering at this point if my long week end is going to be enough time to get it finished. I grab a snack, a cold ice tea and settle back in to my place in front of the computer. My next consideration is “Town” . If you live in New York, Denver or LA, filling in this box doesn't require too much thought. If you live in Smallville Kansas this box become another challenge all in it's self. #1.Let say I give the real name of my town, population 42 (including my dogs). How long will it take for crazy stalker to find me? #2. In Smallville, folks are a bit back woods, but they do have computers, and nothing to do. Reading the dating profiles of the locals is one of the best sources of entertainment and gossip. #3. If anyone else in the area has signed up on the dating site, we will see each other on line, then the next time we run into each other in the store ,we will both be embarrassed. #4. I already know these folks, if there was a local love connection wouldn't I have probably run into him by now, making “shopping” in my area, seem like a silly thing to do. So I opt for the nearest big city, 47 miles away, population 4922. (only barely minimize the issues we discussed, but is the only choice with in 70 miles). Next it wants me to chose my “fish personality” I glance through the list, but while making a decision I get side tracked, again, wondering what would possess someone to make a few of the choices offered. Or if they did, anyone else finding those qualities endearing. I'm sure I wouldn't want people to associate me with a Big Mouth Bass, Crab, Piranha or a Blowfish (Good lord ! Is that as in, blow hard, or some sort of hidden sexual innuendo? ) I try to refocus and I choose “no fish personality” and move on. Now it asks if I'm married. Is it kidding? What is the world coming to? Doesn't anyone have any morals? Are folks really stupid enough to advertise on the world wide web that they cheat on their spouse? OK, settle down, in my enlightened state I know not to react to my emotions, I know not to judge. So I think “well, this can be a valid, question with out serious moral complications”. I firmly believe people can have friends of the opposite sex with no hanky panky involved, and friends are a wonderful thing to have. Still, this doesn't apply to my situation, so I ponder my other selections. At this point I feel damned if I do, and damned if I don't. If I mark “divorced” I am immediately branded! They will all think I'm too hard to get along with, or cheated on my husband, or have no common sense and was stupid enough to marry a drug dealing, wife beating, fornicating, drunk. By marking this choice, I have also eliminated all Catholic male prospects. Well at least it will speed up the “shopping” considerably. If I mark “SINGLE” (it's true, divorced people are single until they remarry, or enter into a "LONG-TERM" relationship right?), someone will, no doubt, think of this as a lie somewhere down the road. Damn, this is getting harder than being confirmed for the senate! I see at the bottom a choice for “NOT SINGLE, NOT LOOKING”. Well why the hell would I be filling out this profile, if that were the case.? Another dating site mystery I have yet to figure out. Frustrated, and confused, I decide honesty is always the best policy, select “divorced” and wonder again if I really am this bored. I quickly remember, I live in Smallville, it is true. I am this bored, so I continue. Next it ask if I'm looking for a male or female. Well, I want a male for a romantic relationship, but either sex would be nice to have as "friends", "email pals", or "activities partner", if I met a girl, maybe we could cruise the bar together, looking for men to pick up. I am relieved to see they have solved this problem for me by not providing a selections titled “either” or “both” My God! Can you imagine the can of worms that would open up! I always get along better with men no matter what type of relationship we are talking about so I pick “MALE”, and start feeling a little** now that I'm picking up speed and the last 2 questions went pretty fast. I'm getting good at this! To my delight the next one is also easy to answer. “ALL MY KIDS ARE OVER 18” (of course there is a slight worry they well see the word ALL and assume there is an entire herd of them.) I will try not to let this distract me as I know I have hours and hours of decision making ahead. Just when I thought the hard part was over, the next question asks if, “I WANT CHILDREN”. This is a loaded question for sure! In my case, I automatically go for the “DOES NOT WANT CHILDREN” choice. But wait, it's not that simple is it? I see no choice that says “DOESN'T WANT TO BEAR CHILDREN, BUT DOESN'T MIND IF YOU HAVE THEM”, or one that says “ KIDS OK, IF THEY LIVE WITH YOUR X” or “KIDS OK, IF LESS THAN A YEAR TILL THEY LEAVE HOME ” ( I would think a year is a minimum before we would think about living together anyway, right?) I've already selected “DOES NOT WANT CHILDREN” and I'm sticking to my choice. The next thing it wants to know is my “HEIGHT” I haven't measured lately, but the last time I did, I was 5' 10''. Sounds like a simple question, but as I get older I am shrinking a little, in my 20's I was 5'11''. What if I shrank even more? Will they think I lied when we meet in person? Should I get out the yard stick? No, just keep going I tell myself. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can..... I see that the next question is “BODY TYPE” OH SURE!! As if I'm not traumatized enough already, they want me to pick a body type?!! I head for the kitchen, get a snack, dump the ice tea and switch to sprite. I can see this is going to be a long, stressful night and I better cut back on the caffeine so I can stay calmer . I look again at the task ahead and decide instead to watch the newest episode of “Psych”. He is very smart AND funny, and I could really use a laugh right now. Feeling refreshed and a little silly, (Psych is good clean goofy fun), I get back to work. Where were we? Oh right, body type how could I forget that? I am trying to decide if I can get away with “ATHLETIC”. I am in good shape for my age. I have told them my age. How much do they expect out of some one my age? I'm in better shape than some, but worse shape than others. Compared to who? Good grief! I better pick “AVERAGE” . What is average? Compared to who? Or is it whom? Crap, do I have to look that up to keep from appearing ignorant or do I pick different words and write it over? But wait, I digress. I think I can, I think I can... Next is hair color. Are they really going to force me to put “SALT AND PEPPER” because I have a few gray hairs? How many gray hairs can you have before you are “salt and pepper” instead of just “Black”? I could dye it. Now wait, that's getting a bit out of hand. It is black. That's my story and I'm sticking too it! I look for, but can't find a place, that allows me to fully explain my hair color. The gray thing, as well as how it turns a diffrent color when it bleaches out in the summer, so my hair is different, different times of the year. Am I really this insecure? Is this really worth it? Once again I boldly push on. I am woman, hear me roar! I can do this, I'm a decent catch. I'm witty, easy going, fun, smart... wait a minute, compared to who? It is becoming clear that I'm going to need therapy before this is over! The last question in that column is do I have a car. Well yes, but does it have to be running? What if I have a truck? Or a Van? Live in New York? I pick yes because I actually have a car, a truck, and a van! Again, it doesn't give me a place to explain, or in this case brag. I feel better now and go to the next column. Do I smoke? Smoke what? What are you implying? I have allergies. Ooops flash back to the 70's. This is a tough one for the folks who do smoke. We all want to quit. We are all thinking, “maybe this will be the incentive I need to quit.” If I put “NO”, I'll have to be accountable that would help me quit, what if I put “OCCATIONALLY”, will it sound like I only smoke one cigarette a day after dinner, not completely disgusting, or will they think I'm still talking about the 70's? Next question seems easy. “Do you do drugs?” I pick no, but I can't help letting my mind wander, and think “ nobody can really be stoned enough to admit, to every person in the world with an email address and a desire to get on a dating site, that they do drugs, can they?! Can you really trust the answer you are getting here? At this point my brain continues to spiral a bit as I accept that you can't be POSITIVE of anything a person tells you on one of these things. I start to get a bit discouraged at this point, but have come so far, through so much, to get this thing filled out. Is there a way to save it and finish it another time? I try, I fail, it wants answers and won't let me quit until I have put at least something in each box! Realizing I am again, off track, I wonder if I have ADD and look at the next question. GOOD GOD WILL IT NEVER END!!!! “DO YOU DRINK?” I hover over the drop down, dreading the choices , prepared to bolt, I click it. I see “SCOCIALY”. I think “well, that would be me, but I live in a town of 42, I socialize around once or twice a year. Does that still count?” If I put “socially” and some guy hates drinking he won't know that, if I never had another drink it wouldn't bother me for a second. If I put “NO” will it scare away any guys who just drink a little bit once in a while, because they think I'll be hateful about it? I don't get along well with drunks, I could easily eliminate the “3 X or more a week”, but what about the guy who just drinks one glass of wine a night, following medical advice to do so? Is it just me, or is filling out this profile REALLY HARD to do? I think I'll take a break and look up the phone number to the local mental health clinic and program it in to speed dial. After all, I'm only part way through, and you can't be too careful when you sanity is at stake. With my priorities taken care of I throw all caution to the wind, select “socially” and drop down the “income level” menu as if it is no big deal. I fight to stop the wave of “what abouts”. I decide it isn't the business of strangers how much money I make, so I choose “PREFER NOT TO SAY!!” Until now I had ignored the mental turmoil involved in this selection because I am inherently honest, and “prefer not to say” seems either, quiet deceptive, which I would not be comfortable with, or a dead give away to the actual answer, and therefore pointless. Like for example, “Do you do drugs?” However, in this instance, I am passionate about my belief that this question is too personal for strangers, so I select it with out reservation. The next section is some what easier as it lets me pick the words in the answer! I like this much better! I am a LOT more in my element now! Do you suppose I have control issues? Maybe I should start a list of questions for the mental health guy. I wonder if they prescribe Ritalin? I'm excited about this part so I focus a little easier, and begin to list “MY INTERSESTS”. Dancing, outdoor stuff, water, warm weather, all the old stand by key words like, romantic walks on the beach etc..I realize how cookie cutter these things are and spend a few minutes pondering the similarities in people. This thought branches off to include differences in people, and the subject of “honest” answers vs “what you think the other person wants to hear” answers. Maybe I am avoiding the next question. It wants to know what my “PROFFESSION” is. OK, again, if you are one of a thousand employees at a huge company some where, it isn't a big deal to answer that question. But if you live, and work, in Smallville, Crazy Stalker, could easily cause you problems at your job! I am tired and, frankly, a little bored now so I decide to inject some humor, instead of beating the question to death. I put “Star Ship Captain”. I may later reconsider this choice. (I don't want them to think I have a pocket full of small change, waiting for a comet to fly by) But for now, if they don't have a sense of humor, we won't get along anyway. The next question should be super easy. It wants to know what “STATE” I'm in. Cool, one I can answer! Thank God for small favors. I think I'll celibrate with a snack. Perhaps some chocolate, I've earned it, I deserve it, I read some where it's a mood booster......Damn good thing it didn't ask for my weight, by the time I finish this, I will weigh 5 pounds more! I sure am glad now, that I picked “AVERAGE” body type! After finishing, my small snack of chocolate cake, cookies and a bowl of ice cream, I instantly realize the “STATE” question was designed to lull me into a false sense of security, I am now facing, “RACE”, “EDUCATION LEVEL”, and“RELIGON” . WHY ME, DEAR GOD? WHY ME? I am a good woman, I try hard to do the right thing! WHY ME?!!! Maybe I'm having a sugar rush, I knew I shouldn't have had the ice cream. I stop to remind my self “I can do anything!” I survived 19 years of single parenthood with only an 8th grade education and fierce determination! I have overcome economic hardship! I have survived a couple serious illnesses and injuries! I have lived through the Bush administration for GOD sake! I can do this!! First I tackle “RACE” I chose Caucasian, but with great misgivings, as I am a firm believer that, even if one has traced their linage all the way back to cave man days, you just can NOT be sure who was sneaking around with whom, this alone debunking all documentation! In addition I want to scream my protest that this question is here at all. I realize how far we still have to go to rid the world of prejudices, but I feel it is better not to promote it. I know I will never finish this profile at this rate so I just try to put that thought on hold, and keep going. Next we take on “EDUCATION” I see that my only honest choice (if we stretch the truth from GED, to mean High School) will register on this stupid program as , “EDUCATION: N/A”, anyway. What the **? Are these things designed to make you feel bad about yourself? What are they thinking? They should have at least offered me a humorous option, like “school of hard knocks” to minimize my humiliation. Well so be it, , the first time we IM, and they try to read something I have written, without the benefit of spell check, they are going to figure out I don't have much education anyway. One more to go!! JUST ONE MORE!! Of course they save the worst for last. Religion, cripes, the only thing they aren't going to ask is my political affiliation. It's a good thing too, I think the mental health clinic is closed till Monday morning! My heart is racing now, knowing I have survived all the way to the last drop down menu! (Maybe it's still the sugar,) Anyway, I click the tiny arrow and survey the options. I can't believe my eyes! It is going to be the easiest question yet, shame on me of little faith! I select “OTHER” with out hesitation, thinking “I couldn't have said it better myself!” I MADE IT!! I am finished with the drop downs! I feel like celebrating! I look around as if there will be some one there to share my excitement with! There isn't and I experience somewhat of an anticlimax. I realize in a flash that I still have a huge section to fill out, and worse than that, I never picked a selection from the first drop down! All this and I haven't picked the first one! Oddly, instead of the nervous breakdown I assumed is coming, a strange calm sets in. I scroll up to the top, looked at the drop down for “SEEKING” clicked it and in one quick motion, clicked quickly again, on “FRIENDS”. It is very liberating. After all this concern over presenting myself in a way that would attract my kind of guy, I realize I can look for my kind of guy, without any of the pressure of finding “my soul mate”. All it takes is this one simple, selection, “Friends”! I love it!! I would never get serious with any one I wasn't great friends with, if it doesn't develop into anything romantic, so what, I have a new friend, I no longer feel the need to impress anyone. All of a sudden I can just be me, like it or leave it, what ever works! I know the challenges of online dating have just begun, but I'm confident I have made the right choices in my profile! If only I had just picked "friends" first! ALWAYS ADOPT FROM A SHELTER AND SPAY AND NUTER YOUR PETS! By: Bo Peterson (Copyright 2009)