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| Picking up the pieces...
Posted: 4/4/2009 10:46:51 PM | So, I have been dating the same man for 6 years...During this 6 year span, we have broken up at least 5 times. I love him very much, throught thick and thin, but everytime things go wrong in his life...he shuts everyone out. Right now he may lose his job and I tried to be supportive...but he just withdrawed and told me that he was not happy anymore. In the past when we would break up, he seemed to want to explore another relationship, as I would have to end up fnding out for myself. I am so sad right now, I feel I have lost my best friend and someone I truly loved. It seems he tells me he wants to break up, but when a few months go by, suddenly I find a letter or flowers on my car or he will call and tell me we have something special and he loves me. But, don't you think that "something special" lasts, thru good and bad times? I think so, but he seems to not. He has clinical depression and I personally think he is bi-polar. He is laughing one day...and the next he doesn't want to be touched or even talk!! I feel like walking on eggshells, but take the risk because I love him. I want to help, u know. I did so many things for him to try and help. It seems like everytime I just get burned out and he dumps me off. I feel like I am never going to get off this rollercoaster! Seriously, I try my hardest to make each time the "last" time and move on...but it is the way he looks at me and the sound of his voice, the feeling in my heart that makes me come back. So, for about the 5th time, I am broken hearted and sad....Any advice? Or can someone tell me to just run, run the other way or not?! lol Thank you.  | |
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| Picking up the pieces...
Posted: 4/4/2009 11:05:25 PM | wow is all i can say to that. 6 years and 5 break ups, could be lil spats and piss and moans. as i see it id say leave dont look back live life without regrets, make choices and you dont look back. i can say leave him or wait for him to come back when he needs you to leave you once hes got what he wants out of you. but its a battle of the heart and mind that im gathering from your story, you are a good hearted person and wear your heart on your sleeve sort of speak. he knows which buttons to press to make you melt and then he has you won over again. get a gaurd up and dont let him in and look to the mountain ahead and dont stop till you get to the other side. after that you will know for sure deep down if it was the right thing to do. but it will make you feel better none the less.
good luck! | |
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Posted: 4/4/2009 11:11:16 PM | | Thank you so much for your reply. You are exactly right, he sure does know what buttons to push to make me melt. I am going to try my hardest to get a guard up and not let him in and lookt ot the mountain ahead. Thank you, I know I need to get toughher. It sure is a battle of the mind and heart . | |
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| Picking up the pieces...
Posted: 4/4/2009 11:11:54 PM | Stop. Stop it. Stop the continuous cycle - you know the next chapter in the book, the next line of the song. You can only change yourself, so change yourself.
I'm guessing that this is your first "adult" relationship? I'm not saying that relationships are all sweetness and light - they all have their rough spots - but breaking up 5 times in 6 years?
It's broken already, just be honest enough to see it and love and respect yourself enough to just stop it!
Einstein defined insanity as, "Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result." | |
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| Picking up the pieces...
Posted: 4/4/2009 11:29:15 PM | | Thank you so much! You are exactly right. I was engaged before I met this man, for 4 years I was in that relationship, so definitely not my first "heartbreak". But, nevertheless, you are exactly right. I think I need like a sponsor! u know, like people in an Alcoholics Anonymous have..someone to call, when I wanna go back! lol Thank u so much for your honesty. | |
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| Picking up the pieces...
Posted: 4/5/2009 3:46:50 AM |
So, I have been dating the same man for 6 years
I was engaged before I met this man, for 4 years I was in that relationship, so definitely not my first "heartbreak".
According to your profile, you’re 23 years old. So you’ve been dating the guy in question since you were 17, and you were in a 4-year relationship and ‘engaged’ before you met him??
Hmmm, if all that is true, I get the feeling that you are desperate to be with somebody just for the sake of being with somebody. Go Rin is absolutely correct, you are the only one who can stop this cycle or rollercoaster as you put it. Five break-ups is insane, no matter what the duration of the relationship. And if this man is in fact suffering from a mental illness, you cannot help him get better; that’s his responsibility and from what you describe, one that he doesn't seem to be accepting. Pushing you away and then pulling you back when he’s feeling better? I guess as long as you continue to allow him to do that, he will. You’re so young, do you want to invest several more years of your youth in this type of crazy behavior?
Might I suggest getting some counseling for yourself to help sort out why you continue going back to somebody who has hurt you repeatedly? | |
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| Picking up the pieces...
Posted: 4/5/2009 4:12:07 AM | Rather than pick up the pieces this time, sweep them up into the dustpan, throw them in the garbage, and buy a new lamp. (Metephporically speaking)
The only one that can break the cycle is you; in the end whether he cares or not he's just using you, and its not healthy for either of you. You need to move on and find someone who will actually devote himself to you as much as you devoted yourself to him. I'm used to be the person people come to talk to so if you really think you do need somone to 'sponsor you like in AA' I'm an e-mail away, it'll be a nice change from an empty inbox  | |
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| Picking up the pieces...
Posted: 4/5/2009 7:17:45 AM | I fully understand the rationale why one gets stuck in such relationships. In fact many of us get caught up into emotional roller coaster relationships such as yours. Due to the intensity of emotions and feelings from being rejected and then welcomed with open arms, these relationships create highs and lows in the healthier partner's psyche resulting in reinforcing their remaining in such destructive relationships. However as the old aphorism goes "don't stick a healthy head into a sick bed because if you do you will get sick", remaining in such a relationship will lead to long term loss of self-esteem, depression as well as wasting one's life on a situation that is unhealthy and will most probably not culminate into a fruitful outcome. The way out is with intensive counseling to work out one's issues in a safe therapeutic relationship with the goal of understanding that a relationship which is unilateral, not reciprical and devoid of respect and kindness is one that needs to be terminated.
There is an old German saying which translated states "never stick a healthy head into a sick bed because if you do you will get sick"! | |
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Posted: 4/5/2009 8:02:45 PM | | I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your great input! I really, truly appreciate it. I am going to take all of your advice and really use it! Thank you. | |
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| Picking up the pieces...
Posted: 4/5/2009 8:32:59 PM | | You can have a relationship that has ups and downs without ons and offs. The difference makes all the difference. Having someone to be partners with through thick and thin is way better than having a partner who bails and comes back. | |
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| Picking up the pieces...
Posted: 4/5/2009 11:08:36 PM | thanks for your post, it's nice to see i am not alone..i know what your going through. i have been in the same type of relationship that has just recently ended. this girl and i dated in high school when we were 16 we broke up after 6 months due to my stupidity i guess, even though she moved on and started dating someone else, i still loved her and always hoped someday i would get back with her to make ammends of my foolishness, and that day finally came about 5 years latter at a chance meeting at my sisters avon party..and we talked come to find out, she had 2 kids already from the guy that she dated after me, but they had just split up..we talked alnightand within days it seemed i moved into her place and things were going great. where she didn't have a car of her own most nights when i got home from work i would let her use it to visit friends or go shopping giving her a break from the kids, i would stay and watch them for her. that should of been my wake up call i know. but i loved this girl so as long as she was happy that made me happy. so one day i came home from work early to be romantic and surprise her. i bought flowers candy the whole bit, but i was the one surprised when i got home to see that she was in the bathroom and the kids father was coming out of the bedroom buckling his jeans, and left, when she came out of the bathroom with tears in her eyes and said we had to talk, she was getting back with him and was going to try to make it work for the sake of the kids...what could i say, while my heart was breaking, i understood. i would want the chance too if they were my kids. so i left peacfully and still madley in love with this woman. i didn't date i still thought about her everyday...pathetic i know...lol
13years passed, and in 2003 i get a call at work from her sister saying terri is in the hospital and would like to see me...so ofcourse stupid me went. and for about 2 weeks straight when i wasn't working i was at the hospital by her side, found out that she had 3 more kids for a total of "5" , and it was a big mistake going back with the other guy he has cheated on her numorous times and finally left her for the neighbor across the street..and alot of i'm sorry's for hurting me the way she did, and that if i would give her another chance to prove her love to me. at that point all she knew was i wasn't dating anyone...i didn't want to tell her that all i ever thought about was her, so we started dating in january of 2003 everything was great she was staying in a 2 bedroom apt. in a housing complex...i started a second job to start saving for a house for all of us. yes i agree it was way too soon and it probably spooked her too, so one day i went there after work and she told me that all she ever knew was me and the kids father and she wanted to see what else was out there. i was in shock again that she would do that to me. i knew i was a great guy so it would only be a matter of time before she relized that i was the one. i wanted her to sew her oats all she wanted too before we settled down and got married. sure enough 3 months later i get a call from her other sister saying terri wants to get back with me, but at this point i was dating a couple of women, and wasn't sure if i would give her another chance? yes i stopped dating and went back. she got kicked out of her apt. and was sleeping on her mothers kitchen floor..so in may 2005 i bought a house for her, her 5 kids and myself..we got engaged and moved into our new home..it was great, i was soo happy, then not even 2 months went by and her other lung collapsed, we got through that then she got pregnant.. and i was even more excited..i was going to be a dad "a life long dream", but there were complications and she needed to get an abortion..i was bummed for awhile, but we got through it, then child support stopped coming in, she was denied disability, her nephew died in foster care, and her sister got murdered in jail..but we got through it, then i lost my 2nd job, money was getting tight so i had people renting some rooms from me to help with mortgage payments, and finally money just ran out and the house went into forclosure and it should sell at action in april, even though it was a set back we were still together and engaged, her and her kids went back to her moms and i'm renting a room from my mom, but we only live right down the street from each other, so we could still see each other everyday.while i worked 2 jobs to payoff the second mortgage and hospital bills and save to get another place of our own, so in march during my vacation from one of my jobs, she told me it wasn't working out and we need to take a break..i agreed reluctantly. so i went back to try to work things out 2 weeks later, to find out shes going out with someone already . not just anyone, one of the guys i let live at my house. he's 26 and she will be 39 this month. i know it will not work between them and she will be back begging for forgivness and this time i need to say "no", i have alreadty wasted 23yrs of my life trying to keep her happy..and now i know she will never feel the same way about me. i just hope i can find a nice girl on this site, and start dating before she comes calling..it really will be easier if i already have someone to love. so the moral of this extremely long story..lol is to go find someone else and it will make moving on alot easier for you... i sincerely wish you the best of luck...rob | |
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| Picking up the pieces...
Posted: 4/6/2009 5:18:12 AM | | A friend approached me in the gym and seemed very down. He spoke incessantly about his relationship with a woman that was marked by frequent breakups and reconciliations as well as her constant threats to leave him if he did not comply with her demands. He asked me my opinion, specifically wanting to know if I thought she "loved" him. I asked " Where is she right now"? He responded that he did not know and I retorted, "Well you got your answer"? He initially appeared perplexed by my response because denial is a strong defense mechanism that many of us employ in order to protect our self-esteem. However, shortly after he acknowledged that if she loved him unconditionaly she would be with him without any need to convince her of his virtues, comply to her unrealistic demands and needs or do anything else but be himself. | |
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| Picking up the pieces...
Posted: 4/7/2009 7:46:46 AM |
So, I have been dating the same man for 6 years . . . I was engaged before I met this man, for 4 years I was in that relationship, so definitely not my first "heartbreak".
You don't have to, but I'd be interested in a response to this. It this is indeed the case, you dated someone from 13 to 17, who you were engaged to, then almost immediately started dating a new guy who you dated for six more years.
This just isn't a good thing, as Martha says. A big part of your teenage and 'twenties' years is supposed to be about living and exploring the world. What do you like? What are you passionate about? What must you have in a guy? What can you live without? What CAN'T you live with? And as importantly, you need to learn and understand that you can live on your own. And not only live on your own, but thrive on your own. Then you not only bring more things to the table, but you are confident that you are bringing it.
My humble advice. Take some time off without any guy. Finish school. Live a little on your own. It might seem like hell to start. But you'll get used to it. And you'll grow to enjoy it. Then jump back into dating. | |
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| Picking up the pieces...
Posted: 4/7/2009 11:11:02 AM | Hello there, thank you for your response, it is much appreciated. I definitely am trying to just do what you are saying. I do have my own apartment, am going to school part time, and sorry to say (am still looking for work, rough out there!). You are so right, I really have missed out on a lot over the years... To answer you question...I always estimate, because it gets WAY too complicated when ppl ask.
I dated all 4 years of High School with the same guy, then 8 months outf high school with that same guy......Then we broke up-this is when I started dating this man from May of 2003till now of 2009 this is, so....needless to say I have dated a bit inbetween all the "UPs" and "Downs, " but otherwise have always been a committment person. What can I say...I take pleasure in being there for someone through the bad and good and don't like to give up on anyone. ALTHOUGH, maybe I need to find ME again now and be there for me through the good and bad. AND forget about someone else for awhile. You are right, it does seem like hell to start...but again...you are right, I am sure Iwill get used to it. I think people just get into a comfort zone you know. There was a lot of "red" flags that I am seeing now and acknowledging. It is hard though, my heart and mind are battling it out! lol This should be a great opportunity to live life a little and find pleasure just for me. I have to say though, Ithink my family and friends are whiped out from all the breakups...that they aren't really there for me at all. I am goin' ALONE on this one. Maybe it's suppose to be this way to make me stronger. U think so?  | |
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| Picking up the pieces...
Posted: 4/7/2009 11:45:06 AM | Maybe, sometimes we all have to go it alone though; if we can't that's what therapists are for! But you certainly have the right attitude  | |
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| Picking up the pieces...
Posted: 4/7/2009 11:52:11 AM | It's easy for us all to say "move on"... hard to do. I will guess without reading any other posts that people will be advising you to move on.
What he is doing is emotional torture. If you look at it like that... and the fact that his communication skills are that of a child... you see that there is no real future with this man. He will pull the same crap again. His past actions are the best predictor of future actions.
If this is making YOU low, and making you sad and is draining on your emotions... cut HIM LOOSE. Be a friend, albeit a distant friend (at least at first) and take the daily steps to remove yourself from him. It's tough, it hurts like an SOB... but it's best for you and your future.
You deserve better, don't you? There is nothing good about hoping and wishing and pulling or pushing this guy. He is who he is. Let him be what he wants to be. You need to worry about you.
Also, don't worry, you seemed to have given it your all. No need to feel like you let anybody down. he let you down. Be a friend to yourself and move on. | |
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Posted: 4/7/2009 7:59:26 PM | Thank you for responding...I am definitely going to keep in mind "What he is doing is emotional torture. If you look at it like that... and the fact that his communication skills are that of a child..." This is true, a grown man who can't even communicate when something is wrong! I think REALLY, Come on!! I feel like yelling grow up to him !! This is the first time I am NOT Calling, NOT writing, NOT stopping by to try to mend the relationship. He use to always say, "it is what it is" and really, that is exactly what this is. ... Like you said, "He is who he is". I just have to stick to my guns and do whatever it takes when that time comes in weeks or months when he sees me.....and "looks" at me that way or calls and tells me "what we have is special and I miss you, Sarah, I miss your laugh, and your smile, I miss us". This is typical for this man. He has this Charisma that really makes me melt, so I have to try my hardest to STOP this vicious cycle, because it is only hurting me....it seems. Thank you, again.  | |
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Posted: 4/7/2009 9:43:04 PM | | yes sarah, thank you for this post again, reading this has helped me out too, and i know someday my ex is going to do the same thing and... we both have to be strong and fight the temptation of going back, me being older i am looking for another committed relationship that is more loving and i know if i find it, it will be easy to reject her, you on the other hand are still very young..you need to get out there and enjoy yourself a little while you can..there will be guys falling to there knees begging you to give them a chance to prove their love to you. you should take this time to experiment and find out the things you like and don't like in a relationship, then the right guy will come along that meets your criteria... oh and sorry for my super long post before..i wish you the best of luck | |
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| Picking up the pieces...
Posted: 4/7/2009 10:04:13 PM | I have been in your situation with the feelings up down and feeling he had bipolor. Recently I choose to leave for good and by my backdoor was a snowman because we had built a snowman that winter. The next a bear that danced to a song that reminded him of me and then the occassional flowers and notes how special I am.
God I wanted to pick up that phone and call him just to feel better and stop this pain. But, I am clean from his abuse it was just 1 year last week. yesterday, i cried over a song and sometimes when I am at Tempe Townlakes I cry remebering the boat ride that wasn't attached one night we took out and fell asleep on.
I am 43 years old with a very high paying job so it is not money and I took him to Hawaii and just about every town and even bought him two cars. He lives in my rental and I had to get a managed company for that property. my point is my heart aches like daily if I let it. so let m tell you a little secret. journal is the first start the first days write all good stuff than write all the things you ate about him and don't forget how he left the seat up and toothpaste all over and maybe shavings? never walked the dogs?do the dishes>you get the idea///write write in that journal for five days. then see how you feel...get a hobby like the gym or a walking partener if your close I would do? deborah 480-206-5259 if you want let's talk hope your not back with him
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| Picking up the pieces...
Posted: 4/8/2009 5:07:22 PM | Hi Rob,
I am so glad my posts have helped you too! It is so hard when you know what your mind is saying you should do, but your heart is saying another...Thank you so much for what you said. That is a nice thing to say that guys will be falling to their knees jumping at the chance to prove their love to me....Thank you. I am going to try to take one day at a time....I have to say, it has only been a week and it is really rough!! I know you know how it is. You seem like a great person too! Women would be grateful to have someone like you in their life. You are right, I am young. I think I have been doin' good so far...Getting together with friends, going on the treadmill, tanning, trying this dating site. However, I don't think I am really ready to date. Maybe just to be happy and find out about me right now. I think I will take your advice though and find out what I do and don't like in a relationship, when I 'm ready. Oh, it's ok too that you left that long post, whatever it takes! You can message me anytime too if you need to vent, ok Good luck to you too. | |
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| Picking up the pieces...
Posted: 4/8/2009 5:32:05 PM | Hi Deborah,
Thank you so much for your post. It is good to know that other ppl go thru this UP an DOWN crap. It is crazy isn't it!? I mean, u want to be there for them because you love them and they seem to love you....but it is always you that gets hurt. So, it seems like you are definitely doing good with staying away! Good for you! :) I hope I can do the same. It has only been a week, so it will take me awhile to get use to being with just me. He seems to come around in about a few months or so...but NOT this time, it is broken record...over and over.YIKES. Someone who said they would never do this again, then go and do it. He is not a committment person at all. He just wants to be single.... I deserve better anyway. I am not even mad, as much as I am sad. He was my best friend...But change is good, so I am going to try to embrace it. :) I have done the journal thing before and it has helped..I thinkI will do this again, like you are suggesting. I did hop back on my treadmill! So this is good and I go tanning and also have school part time and will also be working, so I "should" be pretty busy. But you know how that person just sneaks up in you heart no matter how busy you are...through a song, a place, or something to remind you. Thank you for you number, that is so nic eof you. I live in Wisconsin, so I think it may be abit hard to take a walk together, since you live in Arizona! :) but I will take the weather though! lol. Thank you so much 4 your advice. I am going to do that and see how I feel. Thank you.
Sarah  | |
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| Picking up the pieces...
Posted: 4/11/2009 1:26:55 PM | I am new to this I just know that I love to put my 2 cents in. But, it is really hard when you love someone so much and they hurt you. I am 43 years old and never had been hurt until this most recent one. That means that I always hurt the other I guess, not sure how that worked. Once I was done I was done never really cared too much or was it never considered their feelings? as time goes on and then you get hurt you look past all of the times shared with each situation and then start thinking at least I did.
How are you doing these days did you stay away? it is hard but, the payoff will be the best the payoff being peace within.
my best friend is from Wisconsin she just moved here to AZ....you will be sad for a very long time and some days will be so hard you just want to touch him or hear his voice. At times you may even wake up in the middle of the night wishing he was laying next to you and it hurts like no other pain. However, once you find a good book and Ambien you will sleep and each day gets a little bit easier slowly it's like the 12 steps of AA. you get through 12 steps some how.....talk to you soon hope this makes sense | |
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| Picking up the pieces...
Posted: 4/11/2009 5:25:17 PM | OP, you say your ex has depression and may be bipolar. If his mood swings shift gradually, last a couple of weeks and come in cycles, you may be right. If his mood swings occur in a only a minute, however, they likely are event triggered. That could indicate he suffers to some extent from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) in addition to his depression or bipolar problem. BPD sufferers are so easily triggered into anger that their partners feel they are always at risk of saying the wrong thing. This would explain why you write "I feel like walking on eggshells." Indeed, the most famous book on BPD is titled "Stop Walking on Eggshells."
BPD also would explain his repeated push-you-away and pull-you-back behavior. Further, BPD is consistent with your comments that he emotionally seems child like and that, when he wants to reel you back in, he is so charismatic you simply melt. Due to their child-like emotional immaturity, BPD sufferers often are extremely charismatic and passionate -- which is one strong reason that people are so attracted to them and are willing to go back.
To determine whether BPD is relevant in your situation, you may want to start with the short article at http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm. It is the best concise description of what a relationship is like with a person who has high functioning BPD. Other good sites are BPDCentral.com and bpd411.org. | |
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