| Is desparation a turn-off?
Posted: 4/6/2009 9:31:09 AM | | I was wondering what people on here think about desparation in the romantic sense... So many seem to show disdain for the presence of it in someone who is persuing a love interest; We even seem to despise and try to supress desparation in ourselves because we think we will be immediately turned down and written off as creepy. So what are everyone's thoughts on the matter? | |
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| Is desparation a turn-off?
Posted: 4/6/2009 9:37:21 AM | When I was younger, back in my early college days I used to be straight with girls about my feelings and repeatedly got pushed away and could never get why. It seemed sense to be honest back then.
My friends would always tell me to cool it but I'd never listen.
Think I only realised when girls started being like that with me, being pushy and clingy. Early on you're never sure you want to commit because it takes YEARS to get to know a real person.
Nowadays I just take things slowly, even if early on a girl makes me really happy I control my feelings and just let things play out. | |
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| Is desparation a turn-off?
Posted: 4/6/2009 9:37:22 AM | I know it can be difficult to control your emotions when you really feel something for someone, but in the long run, you'll be better off learning to dunk your head into an ice cold bucket of water (metaphorically) and getting your cool back. Desperation will drag you to the bottom. Never let her see it.
Hope this helps. | |
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| Is desparation a turn-off?
Posted: 4/6/2009 9:43:36 AM | 'It depends on the kind of desperation...'
In that respect everyone's desperate to have someone, or potentially desperate.
Very attractive people never come accross as desperate because they have SO MANY options, and that's part of what makes them attractive.
As Supercali said, just be cool about it all...
and have fun. | |
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| Is desparation a turn-off?
Posted: 4/6/2009 9:49:20 AM | I agree with Nothing Is Constant, it all depends on the kind of desperation you are showing.
I find dating quite daunting as you are never quite sure how the other person is looking at things so therefore both of you might be tempted to hold back. If both people have this attitude then you naturally drift apart because neither one is willing to take a leap of faith. We spend too much time trying to second guess other people instead of just being honest and seeing where it takes us.
I feel better knowing that men are sometimes no different to us ladies!
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| Is desparation a turn-off?
Posted: 4/6/2009 10:34:18 AM | The biggest issue I've found is that people have strange ways of defining "desperate".
I see "desperate" as when a man or woman is so hardcore about not being single that they will take on anyone. They'll date someone who totally isn't their type or someone who is terrible to them, etc...because they would rather be miserable in a bad relationship than be single.
However, I've seen some see "desperate" as when someone shows them a lot of interest. I remember a woman whom I showed a lot of interest in (because I thought she was gorgeous, intelligent, and very cool) rejected me (friendzone). When we talked about relationships one time the subject of my interest came up, and she said I was just so desperate, which is how she described any guy who basically showed her interest.
So get this...she sees any guy who shows her a lot of interest as "desperate" and yet any guy whom she has to fight, claw, and scratch to get as "not desperate". It was no wonder she had been through one bad relationship after the next. One playa or cheater after the next.
I asked her "Is this how you look at yourself? That any guy who is interested in you isn't so much interested in YOU but is more desperate for any female to be with him? Or that he has to be desperate to be interested in you? That's how low you think you think of yourself?"
She's currently in therapy. Anyway, the big point I make is people need to be very careful on what they think "desperate" means, because I personally think a lot of men and women turn away many possible good mates because they somehow have this illogic that a heavy interest means that someone is needy or desperate.
For all the complaints I see of boyfriends and girlfriends ignoring, neglecting, or even looking to "upgrade" on their mates...maybe society needs to rethink how we look at interest from the opposite sex. | |
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| Is desparation a turn-off?
Posted: 4/6/2009 10:37:52 AM |
The biggest issue I've found is that people have strange ways of defining "desperate".
I see "desperate" as when a man or woman is so hardcore about not being single that they will take on anyone. They'll date someone who totally isn't their type or someone who is terrible to them, etc...because they would rather be miserable in a bad relationship than be single.
Bingo ! This is how I define desperate. This has nothing to do with wanting one person deeply or longing to be in a passionate committed relationship.
Its about settling for anything rather then remain single. To me that defines desperate. And yes its a turn off and very obvious usually. I want to be loved in a passionate LTR but I am not willing to settle either.
Cheers
Cowboy | |
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| Is desparation a turn-off?
Posted: 4/6/2009 10:48:31 AM | I look at desperation as the pitiful result of forgetting what is bad about being happy. The person who is desperate just doesn't know how to appreciate being miserable. They do not remember that they used to be happy and something wrecked it. So they crave happiness as if it would be better than accepting their sorry state. They do not think ahead to see past their desired happiness to the time when it has ended. The only thing that turns me off more than a desperate desire to feel good is when someone who does feel good doesn't care if their happiness might end someday. Give me a woman who is content being miserable, with no motivation to escape her misfortune. With her I know things cannot get any worse.
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| Is desparation a turn-off?
Posted: 4/6/2009 10:54:52 AM | So many seem to show disdain for the presence of it in someone who is persuing a love interest;
Well, that's because desperation is disdainful. Don't confuse wanting, desiring, wishing, hoping or just plain old eagerness with desperation. They are not one and the same. Desperation is in a class all of it's own.
A person can eagerly or ardently pursue a love interest without being or coming across as desparate or creepy.
And there is nothing wrong in someone who wears their heart on their sleeve (that's where my heart is most of the time)...but creepy (or desparate) is not knowing when your heart's desire is not (or no longer) welcomed.
Desperation often makes people do crazy things - they might start to imagine that anyone is better no one and that anything is better nothing and the emptyness they feel inside.
Or they might start to attach some kind of meaning and see signs where none exist to things that are said casually by a co-worker, an ex, a friend, a neighbor or anyone from the opposite sex.
So yes, signs of desperation is a turn-off and a major red flag, to say the least - desparate people often resort to desparate measures, which is not only harmful to themselves but which has the potential to (seriously) harm others as well.
IMHO
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| Is desparation a turn-off?
Posted: 4/6/2009 11:12:20 AM | | Bah, BS, I've pursued a love interest before, not out of desperation, but because she was such a lil sweetheart and I couldn't help myself! | |
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| Is desparation a turn-off?
Posted: 4/6/2009 11:39:00 AM | its creepy, it is a turn off, its yucky!!
DONT DO IT!! You should be active, and confident in your own life before you want to be a part of someone elses. | |
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| Is desparation a turn-off?
Posted: 4/6/2009 11:46:43 AM | | Wanting to move forward with someone at a pace faster than what might seem reasonable is not necessarily desperation. It may be that you've found something you like and don't want to drag matters on longer than necessary..... | |
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| Is desparation a turn-off?
Posted: 4/6/2009 11:48:01 AM | | My infant son was kidnapped but instead of becoming desperate to recover him, I regulated my emotions so that they remained presentable. I would not make a good father if I couldn't look first and always to my composure. It would set a bad example for my son, if I ever got him back, but if not then it wasn't meant to be. Once I learned how to tame my passion, the relationships in my life no longer suffered from unseemly need. The only answer to the possibility of love driving me to the brink of desperation was to disarm love of its evil powers. Now I am well adjusted, in control and cannot be harmed. I'm also single but that's just because I won't settle. | |
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| Is desparation a turn-off?
Posted: 4/6/2009 12:30:00 PM | | Desperation means that you'll take anyone with a pulse. So I can't say that its a turn-on. | |
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| Is desparation a turn-off?
Posted: 4/6/2009 1:18:49 PM | | Personally, I find it to be a major turnoff...it usually comes as a side dish with Clinginess...ewwww! | |
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| Is desparation a turn-off?
Posted: 4/6/2009 2:01:52 PM | Quote--->The biggest issue I've found is that people have strange ways of defining "desperate".
I see "desperate" as when a man or woman is so hardcore about not being single that they will take on anyone. They'll date someone who totally isn't their type or someone who is terrible to them, etc...because they would rather be miserable in a bad relationship than be single.<---Quote
Kind of how I feel about keeping a job...lol | |
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| Is desparation a turn-off?
Posted: 4/6/2009 2:46:40 PM |
Is desparation a turn-off?
Yes! I want someone to be with me because they genuinely like me, not because "I'll do"! | |
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| Is desparation a turn-off?
Posted: 4/6/2009 3:11:07 PM | | desparation could be a sign that you don't like being by yourself. a person may also may make a poor choice in a partner if they are desparate because they so badly want someone in their life. are you sure desparate is that right word you want to use here? If a man is pursing a woman i would take that to mean they are interested in them but i guess the question is then how is he pursing? is he calling too much, wanting to know where she is all the time or wanting to see her everyday? so make sure desparate is the word you want to use here.... | |
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| Is desparation a turn-off?
Posted: 4/6/2009 3:18:55 PM | | It's a HUGE red flag for me! A desparite person is more concerned about the relationship than withe the other person. It's a self-centered possesive thing. They need to HAVE a relationship even if it is forced and uncomfortable. They tend to have preconcieved notions of what that relationship should be and will try to mold the other person into that. | |
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| Is desparation a turn-off?
Posted: 4/6/2009 6:09:34 PM | Turn-off and creepy. Either way, it shows a lack of character and imagination, if you can't imagine anything else to do with your time but want for a significant other. If someone doesn't have his own life and interests, then he's probably not interesting; also, if someone's desperate, he may lower his standards. I don't want to date someone because I was the one person in a string of god knows how many to say yes; I want to date someone who really wants to date *me*.
I think the people who really are desperate would do better to work on themselves and develop some worthwhile and meaningful hobbies, and THEN come back to the dating world as interesting people. | |
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| Is desparation a turn-off?
Posted: 4/6/2009 6:38:44 PM |
However, I've seen some see "desperate" as when someone shows them a lot of interest. I remember a woman whom I showed a lot of interest in (because I thought she was gorgeous, intelligent, and very cool) rejected me (friendzone). When we talked about relationships one time the subject of my interest came up, and she said I was just so desperate, which is how she described any guy who basically showed her interest.
That matches my experience. Just by showing interest in one woman chosen from many can cause her to think that guy is desperate. Desperate even though he passed up others in the process.
I've seen the condition where any guy who showed any interest was 'desperate' by default as well. On the other hand, it often seemed to have a hell of a lot to do with the woman's interest in the guy. Two guys can do the exact same thing the exact same way and one would be 'desperate' while the other would be 'sweet'. | |
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| Is desparation a turn-off?
Posted: 4/6/2009 8:03:58 PM | | Desperation like stalking is creepy and annoying. It screams this person has issues that extend into other parts of their lives, no thanks, had enough of those kind. | |
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| Is desparation a turn-off?
Posted: 4/6/2009 8:08:06 PM | | Definitely - I see it and feel contempt that someone who acts so desperately doesn't raise their self esteem. Self respect is a big turn ON. | |
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