| how do you forget 20yrs
Posted: 4/14/2009 7:44:06 AM | | if someone out there can tell me how you get over a 20yr marriage ,I would really like to know , I really want to move on and meet someone that can be faithful and honest , but it just seems no matter what i do there are reminders everywhere i look . I know there is nothing I can do to change what happen or want to .I deserve better and want to find that someone that can I love and that wants to love me back just as much . I know it takes time but it's this gut wrenching pain that won't let me go . | |
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| how do you forget 20yrs
Posted: 4/14/2009 7:49:10 AM | you don't forget it.
you take with you all that was valuable and allow it to make you a better person.
and i am a huge christian. faith and hope and understanding are a huge part of that. but it's taught me that our struggles are our tickets to new levels of life, and the truth is, if you can look up, you can get up. you need to change your mind frame and keep it on whatevers positive and live life taking note and being thankful for everything you have.
nobody can forget 20 years... but be appreciative of where it's gotten you right now and look down the road optimistically not because you know what tomorrow holds, but because you know who holds tomorrow.
think about it | |
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| how do you forget 20yrs
Posted: 4/14/2009 8:15:47 AM | The better the past relationship was, the harder and longer to get over it, heal, and move on. You won't forget, and that will influence how you approach future relationships. The best thing to do is just keep active doing things you enjoy, and perhaps date with no expectation or particular goal in mind.
If the past relationship wasn't so good, it's far easier to get over, and if you are the one who made the decision to leave, it can be over and put behind you - sometimes immediately. You may never completely forget, and again the experience will affect your future choices, but it quickly fades out of daily consciousness and it's easier to move on. | |
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| how do you forget 20yrs
Posted: 4/14/2009 11:14:22 AM | Big hugs for you Sweetheart. I have been there and it's so hard some days. Change is difficult, especially after spending nearly half your life with someone, so make sure you're being really good to yourself in every way possible. Get your nails done, buy yourself some new shoes, and some CD's, bask in the glory of the little things like being able to control the remote. Those reminders, geez it seems like they're everywhere. (I could hardly listen to the radio for the longest time, and I love music)Keep in mind that he was just one guy Sweetheart, there's still so much joy left for you in this life. Make sure all his stuff is out of the house, and pack up all the pictures, put them away in the attic so the kids can have them later, but get them out of your line of vision for now. Sell the jewelry he gave you (trust me, your new guy will want to give you his own tokens of affection) and shitcan the momentos. They were meaningful at the time, but that time is over, and tossing them helps bring closure. Move to a new place, if you can, one that's just yours. Develop some new interests that weren't part of your life when he was there. That way you can make some new memories that won't be associated with him. Make it a point to establish some new traditions with your kids, too, for the same reason. Find some new recipes to make, you know, shake things up, and reinvent your life as much as possible. Tell all your friends to stop filling you in on whatever's going on in his life, and keep your interactions with him to the minimum. Try to remember that he's only human. We're not perfect, and sometimes we hurt each other. Do the best you can not to harbor any resentment for water under the bridge, and hold your head up so you don't miss the new opportunities that will unfold in front of you. Try to reframe your perspective, and think of it as a fresh pallett, an opportunity to create something new and fabulous, because that's really what it is. I wish you the very best. | |
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| how do you forget 20yrs
Posted: 4/14/2009 12:07:01 PM | | Its allready been said. You'll never forget. It sounds like you need to give yourself more time before moving on. But keep looking. The next one you find will not be the next forever but he will be the one to help you move on. How long has it been anyway? | |
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| how do you forget 20yrs
Posted: 4/14/2009 12:17:46 PM | | Why would you want to forget the greatest learning experience ever? You remember what worked, what didn't, the good times and why the bad times were. You'll need some time to move on ... forget? Nah, you don't want to do that. | |
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| how do you forget 20yrs
Posted: 4/14/2009 12:53:30 PM | mcapuano is dead on. You should never forget......
I was married for 20 years also, and there is not one day that goes by where I don't see some sort of reminder of my marriage.
I have to view it as a life lesson... I have two great kids from this man...
good luck, OP , and follow the advise of the other posters, they speak the truth. | |
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| how do you forget 20yrs
Posted: 4/14/2009 2:50:42 PM | | You don't forget it. Just remember what was good about it and move on. Time to take care of yourself. I know what your going through as my hubby of 26 years dumped me for someone 15 yrs. younger than he is. It hurts, and will hurt for some time, but one day you'll realize that it doesn't hurt as much as it did yesterday and each day after that will hurt less and less. Chin up and I wish you well. | |
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| how do you forget 20yrs
Posted: 4/14/2009 6:14:17 PM | | thanks for posting , it's been a year since I found out about the affair and 3months since it was final , he basically walked away from the family he had and didn't look back ,didn't even show for the divorce hearing , when i asked him what made him want to be with some one else ,it said it didn't matter and it was none of my business ,so I don't only know where things went bad but never had a chance to fix whatever it was . thanks again for the encouraging words . | |
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| how do you forget 20yrs
Posted: 4/14/2009 7:57:11 PM | Buffee,
I tried to mail you, but I have no pic, so I can't. I just wanted to say that although I'm sure it was very hurtful to be told "it's none of your business" there are many times when people are so ashamed of themselves and disgusted by their own actions that once a bad decision has been made, it's easier to run away than facing or discussing them. One of the things I had trouble dealing with when I split from my ex was that he never even really came clean and gave me the chance to forgive him for some of the things he had done. He told me that he didn't feel he deserved forgiveness, so even if I could have, it wouldn't have mattered, because he couldn't forgive himself. Sometimes people are wrestling with their own inner turmoil, and it has nothing to do with us. I can't say for sure if that's the case for you, it's just some food for thought.
But you are a lovely girl, and I know things will fall into place for you. Take care. | |
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| how do you forget 20yrs
Posted: 4/15/2009 5:36:08 PM | I am seeking an answer to that question myself. My husband of 20 years left about a year ago and moved in with a woman he works with. Came to find out they were having an affair for almost 2 years before he left.
There are so many feelings, memories and sadness, I don't know where to go with them. I wish there was an online list where you could list cheaters.
God bless and take care!
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| how do you forget 20yrs
Posted: 4/15/2009 5:36:17 PM | I left after 20 years. It was a piece of cake compared to being married to him.
You will find you way, and when you are healed and ready you will meet someone that will love you more than you can imagine. | |
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| how do you forget 20yrs
Posted: 4/16/2009 2:17:15 PM | Hey Buffee
I know exactly how you feel. I have been together for 24 ,married for 2o years. I am going through the exact same thing, totally feel your pain.I know you heard advice from family and friends about how to get through it all. The only thing is were all different, so what works for me may not always work for you or vice versa. Just remember your not alone,use your family and friends for support. All the Best. Andy | |
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| how do you forget 20yrs
Posted: 4/16/2009 3:41:34 PM | You can't forget 20 years of marriage. There is NO miracle cure.
Maybe you need to go see a therapist to help you work through things. Start keeping a daily journal (online or written) about what you're feeling. Write about what you want what you deserve. Write about the pain and letting go. Cry when you need to cry...
Then pick yourself up and when you think about the past.... just remember it's THE past... and you are working on the here and now! | |
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| how do you forget 20yrs
Posted: 4/16/2009 3:57:19 PM | | I wish I knew, I too was there, 20 year marriage, thought it was wonderful, have two great sons. Then wham, he decides he wants someone else, then we have an affair as he tells me he made a mistake. I don't know if I can ever trust again. good luck | |
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| how do you forget 20yrs
Posted: 4/16/2009 8:57:37 PM | | I too have a broken heart. Been married for 13 yrs and been with him for 19 yrs. I found out that he's cheating on me. First time I found out he was so sorry and had asked forgiveness and promised that everything is off. I found out later that he still communicating with the same woman after 3 months. How hurtful that is. Found all communications between him and her. When confronted, he denied everything! It was a very depressing holiday. The woman came to visit him NY and he denied that she's coming. I found out where she's staying. He denied it again. He moved out of the house 12/31/08 so he could be with her. Now we are in counseling and I still don't trust him. But I still do love him. What am I crazy? He said he's not having any contacts or any other affairs. But just found out that he bought a package of cialis and viagra. Well, what am I suppose to think here? I am really hurt and I want to go with my life, but I can't just toss a 19 yr relationship. | |
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| how do you forget 20yrs
Posted: 4/16/2009 9:38:23 PM | Hi buffee,
You don't forget. I was married for 25 years & went through the same thing you are going through. It's been 3.5 years since he left & I still have days when I wish he'd given us a chance to work it out. It does get easier with time tho. Identify your passion in life & spend as much time as you can doing that. Meet new people & share fun times with them. My heart bleeds for you. At least you have children to focus on. I do not and found that coming home each day to an empty house was the hardest thing to deal with. You will get stronger with each passing day. Take care of yourself & your children xxx | |
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| how do you forget 20yrs
Posted: 4/16/2009 9:44:18 PM | You don't.
You can't move on, until you forgive. Life just threw you a lesson, so moving on and finding someone 'better', is ignoring the lesson.
We all think that we've been wronged. You think it, and so does your ex. The reality is that you don't need to undo the wrongs, you need to forgive your wrongs and his. We all search the same thing - happiness and the desire to be loved. So did he.
If you can find a way to forgive him, you will be at peace.
Here's a little ditty someone gave to me to help me remember who I am when I can't let go of resentment of another...
I love you unconditionally. Now, forever and always, no matter what you say, think or do. Whether you (insert negative item or outcome here) or whether you (insert positive item or outcome here). Either way, I love you unconditionally.
I commit to remember the truth of who you are - an innocent soul. Now, forever and always, no matter what you say, think or do. Whether you (insert negative item or outcome here) or whether you (insert positive item or outcome here). I commit to remember the truth of who you are - an innocent soul.
I surrender to you - I let go and let god provide my direction.
Now, forever and always, no matter what you say, think or do. Whether you (insert negative item or outcome here) or whether you (insert positive item or outcome here). I surrender to you - I let go and let god provide my direction.
I give you me, which is all there is. Now, forever and always, no matter what you say, think or do. Whether you (insert negative item or outcome here) or whether you (insert positive item or outcome here). I give you me, which is all there is. | |
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| how do you forget 20yrs
Posted: 4/17/2009 1:22:46 AM | "if someone out there can tell me how you get over a 20yr marriage ,I would really like to know , I really want to move on and meet someone that can be faithful and honest , but it just seems no matter what i do there are reminders everywhere i look . I know there is nothing I can do to change what happen or want to .I deserve better and want to find that someone that can I love and that wants to love me back just as much . I know it takes time but it's this gut wrenching pain that won't let me go ."
It's not so much a process of letting go, dear, it's a matter of putting the entire situation into perspective, and taking your lessons from it, where ever you need to, and then putting your life in order and moving on. Expecting to let go completely of 20 years of marriage is unrealistic, given what you are saying about gut wrenching grief. Obviously there are some unresolved feelings there that you may never get resolution for so you need to find the alternatives to finding resolution, i.e, learning a lesson about yourself, etc.
Time will eventually allow you to let go of most off the whatever your situation is, however, there is always going to be bits and pieces of it that you may never get completely out of your system.
Suz aka Sami | |
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| how do you forget 20yrs
Posted: 4/17/2009 1:29:16 AM | sweet, you cant but you put it to the back burner as much as you can, take baby steps, each step is 1 away from heartache..talk to as many people as you can who dont know you or the situation, dont keep thinking of it, have your cry and then dry your eyes and tell yourself, im worth better..
in case your thinking ..how would she know..im doing the same as you and i know im worth better..so chin up, smile and just talk to all the nice guys on here...
yvonne | |
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| how do you forget 20yrs
Posted: 4/17/2009 11:45:17 AM | | I want to thank everyone that has responded to my question , it is certainly good to hear other peoples thoughts and not just my own , when I posted this question I was having a really bad day in dealing with all this but just knowing that there are people who are understanding and care enough to stop and take time for another person that is trying to put their life back together .It's nice to know that there is some people in this world that actually care how other people feel . To all that answered a great big thanks to everyone . | |
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| how do you forget 20yrs
Posted: 4/17/2009 4:21:07 PM | I am a widow of three years. I think of it as my late husband is in a better place. I was a good wife, by his side, and made sure he had everything he needed. I was married 20 years. I teach my children to remember the good times, and keep those, when they are greiving the loss of their Dad. They remember funny times and it helps them through. Now, I am better for having the experiences I learned in my marriage. The things I went through and how I held on were a direct result of my faith in God. I help people in the prisons, learn how to be strong, and let God fill that emptiness inside, instead of drugs and alcohol. 80% are in for drug and alcohol offenses. I counsel people, I am a chaplain. I saw your posting, and would like to share, God has really carried me thru the rough waters. I teach alot of women (and men) to be secure in themselves (and God) and when they are ready to join with their soul mate, they should be both secure, and compliment each other, as one. Hopefully our mate should be on the same "page". My late husband was good at making me laugh, and I was good at forgiving him, I noticed. I find that the faithfulness I had all those years has become an example for others to persevere. It wasnt what I thought would happen  All things work together for our good. I hope you find joy and peace and also the right person for you. Goodbye4now Chaplain Sally | |
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| how do you forget 20yrs
Posted: 4/18/2009 7:53:12 PM | ~
Letting Go~
Author unknown
To let go doesn't mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization that I don't control another.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerless, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes and cherish every moment.
To let go is not to ctiticize and regulate anyone but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and LOVE MORE.~
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| how do you forget 20yrs
Posted: 4/19/2009 6:51:21 AM | | This is truly awesome...will copy this down for those days I struggle with the "what ifs" | |
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| how do you forget 20yrs
Posted: 4/19/2009 3:11:09 PM | op some never get over it; it's obvious he is not in love with you and do you want to be with someone that isn't in love with you? no
You don't forget; you remember the good times and things and move on with your life; also, is you dont go out there and meet people all you will do is think about it; go out there and meet people and get busy; you will forget quicker than you think; good luck, | |
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