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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > How do you know when a relationship just isn't going to work, and it'      Home login  
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 Greg M.
Joined: 7/25/2008
Msg: 1
How do you know when a relationship just isn't going to work, and it's time to leave? Page 1 of 1    
This is more of a discussion thread than anything else, but if you feel compelled to add your story that relates to this topic, please feel free to do so.

One of the most painful things in life is admitting to yourself that the relationship you're in isn't working, and that it's time to leave. You wish you could go to sleep , wake up the next morning and have everything be different, but you can't. You wish your partner would magically become the person you want him or her to be, but he/she won't. You know you've put off making the decision long enough, and that it's time to say good-bye.

I believe that you should do everything in your power to salvage a troubled relationship. That includes using all possible sources of outside help including professional counseling, seminars, books, support groups, recovery programs, etc. However, you may reach a point at which you feel you cannot or do not want to continue with your partner, and at that point, you need to make the decision to stay or go.

It's time to end your relationship when:

You realize you are incompatible. You need compatibility. You have to like your partner as much as you love him/her! When you are not compatible with your mate, your love won’t be enough to overcome your problems. Only when you have found a new, compatible relationship will you realize how right you were to leave the incompatible one behind.

You realize you have no sexual chemistry between you. If you recognize that you and your partner don't have enough chemistry to make your love more than a good friendship, you need to set both yourself and your partner free to find a complete union with a more suitable mate. Remember, however, that if the chemistry has temporarily disappeared, you need to first do everything you can to heal the relationship before deciding to leave.

You and you partner have grown in two different directions. I strongly believe that we often come together with a mate for a certain length of time in order to be each other's teachers, and when we have learned the necessary lessons, we need to go on. You and your partner may have grown tremendously in your years together, and given each other great emotional gifts. However, you may have arrived at what I call The Divided Path, a point at which you are destined to travel in different directions. When your goals and styles of growing are too different, it will no longer be healthy or emotionally fulfilling for you to live together. The hardest part about reaching the Divided Path is that your love for your partner may not have changed, and that makes it even more difficult to say good-bye.

Your partner has a Fatal Flaw he will not deal with. There are millions of men and women who have had the heartbreaking experience of having to leave someone they loved because that person refused to face his own Fatal Flaws, whether it's alcoholism, drug abuse, addiction to pornography or rage. If your partner will not seek help in battling his or her problem, or is in total denial that they even have a problem, you have no healthy choice but to end the relationship.

Your partner refuses to work on your relationship. This is perhaps the saddest reason of all you may have to end a partnership, and the biggest waste. If your partner refuses to face or discuss your problems, and will not agree to any outside help in solving your conflicts, they have broken their commitment to your relationship as much as if they had an affair. He/she may be scared; he/she may have had an abusive childhood; he/she may have a wonderful , loving heart somewhere within them. The fact remains that, unless they are willing to be an active participant in your partnership, there is no partnership, and you must leave.

If you are presently struggling with making the painful decision of whether to stay or leave, I hope this helps you to feel more certain about your choice, and gives you confidence that , although it's not easy, you're doing the right thing, even though it may feel as though your heart is being ripped out of your chest.

Your comments on this topic are welcomed.
 Ner0
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 2
How do you know when a relationship just isn't going to work, and it's time to leave?
Posted: 4/15/2009 12:34:23 AM
I know a relationship isn't going to work when I no longer feel like a partner, but instead I feel more alone than I did when I actually was alone pre-relationship.
 psssst
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 3
How do you know when a relationship just isn't going to work, and it's time to leave?
Posted: 4/15/2009 2:54:39 AM

I believe that you should do everything in your power to salvage a troubled relationship. That includes using all possible sources of outside help including professional counseling, seminars, books, support groups, recovery programs, etc.
Although I agree that any relationship that a person enters into deserves to have the effort put forth to ensure it's given the appropriate opportunity to flourish, I don't agree with including outside sources to salvage a failing relationship...

At the moment when I or he... or both of us has been ready to walk away, that is the end... counselling, self-help books and other media won't change that fact, only postpone it and I would prefer to start the process of healing that is needed after a failed relationship.
 liliginger
Joined: 1/3/2009
Msg: 4
How do you know when a relationship just isn't going to work, and it's time to leave?
Posted: 4/16/2009 2:41:45 AM
OP, very well said. I tend to stay in a relationship way too long after it's "ended". Your thoughts may help others in clarifying and evaluating where they stand in a relationship, and help set a course of action. The above poster also has a good point about the pain of leaving. Thanks...good post.

lili
 spicynicegirl
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 5
How do you know when a relationship just isn't going to work, and it's time to leave?
Posted: 4/16/2009 3:01:35 AM
This has really touched a nerve and thank you for posting this subject.

I didn't want to end my marriage but I felt like I had no choice in the end.

I can see now that we had grown apart but I still loved him and wanted to try and make things work if there was still a chance. He didn't seem interested.

If you are completely honest with yourself then you will know when it's time to leave.
 actualizing
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 6
How do you know when a relationship just isn't going to work, and it's time to leave?
Posted: 4/16/2009 4:13:28 AM
You know it's time to leave when you start selling your soul to the devil...
 bernta
Joined: 9/3/2007
Msg: 7
How do you know when a relationship just isn't going to work, and it's time to leave?
Posted: 4/16/2009 6:34:25 AM
Excellent post, OP!

Throwing in the towel is never an easy decision. And the longer the relationship...the tougher it becomes. IN my case, I had four of five on your list, but still took almost six years to know for sure I was done.

There just comes a point when you know that if you stay, you will be nothing. You know that you have bent and compromised and stuffed down as much as you are able to do. You realize that if you stay...YOU will disappear. It becomes a matter of survival. Not physical survival, but mental and emotional.

My only disagreement with your post:


Only when you have found a new, compatible relationship will you realize how right you were to leave the incompatible one behind.

I knew from the first moment we made the decision that it was the right one. The weight lifted. The burden of "carrying on" was gone. I knew when my head hit the pillow, alone, on a mattress on the floor, and the tears didn't come that I had done the right thing. I have never looked back.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 8
How do you know when a relationship just isn't going to work, and it's time to leave?
Posted: 4/16/2009 6:44:36 AM
A friend of mine says that people will only truly make changes in their lives when staying in a situation is more frightening or depressing than leaving.

Many people will linger in a marriage or longterm relationship because it is known "quantity"-- sometimes it is a boring rut but is still comfortable and safe. A relationship is truly over when the possibility of staying is much more painful and scary to contemplate than the option of stepping out into an unsafe, unknown area.

It is also over when at least one party just sees no reason to try to salvage it. Apathy replaces both love and hate, but even then, the safety factor still keeps some from ever leaving.
 kayliecat
Joined: 12/8/2007
Msg: 9
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How do you know when a relationship just isn't going to work, and it's time to leave?
Posted: 4/16/2009 6:49:25 AM
I am going to respond for a dating relationship, not a marriage...The 2 are very different in my mind.

I think when you realize your needs are not being met and that the person is incapable of meeting those needs, you need to move on. Set the person free and set yourself free.

Before doing that of course, you should have communicated your needs (or the problems) to your partner and given your partner a chance to fulfill your needs...

And, conversely, if you realize that you cannot meet your partners needs, whether because they are at odds with your own (ie he wants kids and you don't), or because it's killing you trying to make the person happy when it isn't the person you truly are (i.e. living a party lifestyle when you are really an introvert).

When you find yourself just plain unhappy because no matter how hard you try to make it a good relationship, it just isn't working. You just aren't a good fit. What he wants isn't what she wants.

We aren't all meant to be with one another. There is no shame in dating someone and finding that you weren't meant to be together forever. That's why we date before we marry. That's why we *should* date for a long time before we commit for life. To find out.

And the funny thing to me is that it isn't about love. I can love someone deeply but still leave him because we just aren't compatible. I'd rather leave that way then let resentment and anger build up to the point that I hate him because he wasn't what I needed.
 krissyblueyes
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 10
How do you know when a relationship just isn't going to work, and it's time to leave?
Posted: 4/16/2009 6:50:26 AM
Do any relationship works anymore?
 wicked_desires
Joined: 10/27/2008
Msg: 11
How do you know when a relationship just isn't going to work, and it's time to leave?
Posted: 4/16/2009 7:02:16 AM
Wicked says when its broke its broke...or jaked for its true knackered expression. Compromise is they key..how long is a bit of string, or indeed shoe laces - which is perhaps why i wear sandals or slippers 99% of the time.

I see no reason to make another half work at something, nor indeed brainwashing (unless there secret bolognese/muffin recipe is potentially up for grabs.

As you imply few people like the truth. But whether the truth is ever a fully bonafide pucker(real) account is another matter as few people truly live up to it faubiles and all. As many people are too busy smoting a person out of the there (or clinging onto the door surrounds chalk board style - screeekreeetchhh - giggles) life with there own version of I am right reality....as their ego, or sometimes voices in there heeds told em too.

I would like to say for a meagre handful the truth is a double edged sword - triple for the rest :(.

As for me I know i am not perfect I always make it clear. As opposed to filling someone head with wanton rot.

(oki i need help with their and there)
* but definitely not my specialyl engraved "ooghhaa booghaa" easter egg to whit ive just come into possession off, ty GW x
 DudeistPriest
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 12
How do you know when a relationship just isn't going to work, and it's time to leave?
Posted: 4/16/2009 7:10:52 AM
I do not agree that one must exhuast all resources before ending a relationship. All that gets you is exhuasted.
We as a culture have come to believe that "Hanging in there" and "Sticking it out" will bring some kind of honor to our suffering.
I tried that in my marriage. Not only did it prolong my suffering, but I think it has a lot to do with my kids troubled relationships now that they are adults. My youngest, who was six at the time of the divorce, is the most stable of the three of them. Could I have saved her brother and sister, who are 5 and 6 yrs older, some trouble if I had left 3yrs earlier. Maybe, but I was hang in and stick it out. I wasn't going to leave. No one would ever be able to ACCUSE me of that.All I did was feed into my ex's need for conflict and drama.
There comes a time when we have to recognize it's time to go. Most of us know when that is but we are too afraid and/or proud to let go. This is where we can all learn a lesson from Star Trek's Mr.Spock. Remove emotion from the equation and look at the relationship objectively, is it worth saving? If your that misserable, the answer is most likely, "No".
 lonesomerick
Joined: 1/23/2008
Msg: 13
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How do you know when a relationship just isn't going to work, and it's time to leave?
Posted: 4/16/2009 7:15:05 AM
There are so many internal and external factors regarding relationships that it all boils down to the parties.

I do believe some relationships can be salvaged through counseling if and only if both parties are willing to work on it. Actually a pretty cheap investment on life, especially if it works out.

Relationships take work, but when the work out weighs the enjoyment and neither party is willing to budge, it's time to move on.
 funksoulbrutha
Joined: 1/3/2009
Msg: 14
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How do you know when a relationship just isn't going to work, and it's time to leave?
Posted: 4/16/2009 7:15:23 AM
I know the relationship is over when she blasts me with pepper-spray.
 ozarkhermit
Joined: 1/2/2006
Msg: 15
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How do you know when a relationship just isn't going to work, and it's time to leave?
Posted: 4/16/2009 9:07:20 AM
Yes, relationships do still work. But, it's like anything else, both parties have to work at keeping it alive. The first thing in the morning make sure that your mate knows they are the most important thing in your life. And when you go to bed at night, leave the problems, anger and spite at the bedroom door... don't take them (problems) to bed with you... the problems will only be worse in the morning.
When it gets to the point where one, or both, feel that the relationship is over... then shake hands and move on. Sometimes the fear of the unknown, or the "need" to provide a 2 parent home for our children is used as an excuse to stay in a relationship.... just hoping that things will change for the better, but, knowing deep within your soul they won't, will cause you to spend countless years of unhappiness . Years that can't be replaced.
There isn't any need to place blame on the other person if you are unhappy, just take a deep breath and say, "I'm not happy with our life together" and I'm leaving. Be honest and truthful, there isn't any reason for name calling or anger.
 ~vhdc~
Joined: 10/1/2007
Msg: 16
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How do you know when a relationship just isn't going to work, and it's time to leave?
Posted: 4/16/2009 9:46:17 AM

How do you know when a relationship just isn't going to work, and it's time to leave?
when they tell you.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 17
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How do you know when a relationship just isn't going to work, and it's time to leave?
Posted: 4/16/2009 9:59:13 AM

I know a relationship isn't going to work when I no longer feel like a partner, but instead I feel more alone than I did when I actually was alone pre-relationship.

When a relationship has for a prolonged time made you more unhappy than happy and those things that make you unhappy are not going to change for whatever reason, it is time to say goodbye.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 18
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How do you know when a relationship just isn't going to work, and it's time to leave?
Posted: 4/16/2009 10:41:03 AM
When you feel like you're underwater and no matter how hard you gasp you can't get air into your lungs.

When the sound of your partner's voice constantly grates on you.

When you realize you'd rather be anywhere than with them.

When you seek solitude within your own home.

When you'd prefer no sex rather than sex with them.

When you turn around quickly and don't recognize them for a moment.

When you picture living alone as an oasis, not an island.
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