| Losing Streak/Self-Confidence
Posted: 4/19/2009 7:55:34 AM | | So, I'm on a hell of a losing streak right now. Basically, my question is, when you strike out every single time you go to the plate, where are you supposed to get self-confidence from? Every time I lose, I lose a lot of what little confidence I have left. I'm not even sure how I manage to get up in the morning. | |
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| Losing Streak/Self-Confidence
Posted: 4/19/2009 8:07:08 AM | You're looking at it all wrong.
We're all in the same boat.
It's like sales - a numbers game.
You have to make X amount of sales calls to get one sale
Every date that doesn't work out, you're that much closer to finding a good one.
Unless there's something about yourself that you need to work on.
But even then, there's someone for everyone. | |
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| Losing Streak/Self-Confidence
Posted: 4/19/2009 8:23:00 AM | That sounds great, but I can't even get a date.
I just spent a night where at the end I felt I had charmed everyone except anyone who mattered. All of the guys, and all of the married, or coupled ladies walked away thinking I was this great, funny, charming guy. I literally got 3 guys' phone numbers to play cards, or golf. I was smart, I was funny, I was the life of the party. The lone single, approachable woman who came out was more interested in tall, dark and handsome who couldn't even seem to put a cognicent thought together, and barely spoke to me. And that's fine, if this was a one time occurence, but this is basically the story of my life. What the hell am I doing wrong, except avoiding plastic surgery? | |
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| Losing Streak/Self-Confidence
Posted: 4/19/2009 9:52:02 AM | First off CFB62 took the time to reply in a nice way so you have one in the plus column. Your profile reads that you are 5 10 and a few extra pounds. So there is always the "get in shape" thing but I suspect you just never learned rule number 1. Many guys think they women want to know "all about them". They go and and on about all of the interesting things they do any what they have won, etc. Women are polite and will listen but typically they are not looking for the life of the party.
Rule # 1. Women want to know if YOU are interested in THEM!!!! YOU can show that by simply asking about them and then SHUT UP and LISTEN. Then.... instead of reponding with some great adventure you want to share ask them more about THEM!!! The SHUT UP and LISTEN again. Learn to show a woman by your actions that you are more interested in hearing about them than in being funny, the life of the party, or whatever. | |
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| Losing Streak/Self-Confidence
Posted: 4/19/2009 9:56:57 AM | Maybe you should go gay. lol just kidding
Dude I know where your comming from. Maybe you should use that wit and charm and approach the lone single women? and if you strike out wich will happen more often than not. Take it as a learning experence, and try again. Yes you will strike out ALOT but theres always that chance of hitting a home run.
Well thats what I keep telling myself. | |
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| Losing Streak/Self-Confidence
Posted: 4/19/2009 12:59:01 PM | | just take it slow man i think your stepping in to the plate way too fast. Get to know her be her friend and what not. ( sorry your probably taking it slow and still strike out ) Well, i get my confidence from friends they are always there form me when im down and what not. As for me, I dont go for anyone unless i feel that im highly capable of getting that person or w.e other then that I dont seem to pay attention. I usually just get to know people and the next thing you know this one girls likes me. | |
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| Losing Streak/Self-Confidence
Posted: 4/19/2009 3:04:32 PM |
Many guys think they women want to know "all about them". They go and and on about all of the interesting things they do any what they have won, etc. Women are polite and will listen but typically they are not looking for the life of the party.
Yeah, I really didn't do that. I barely spoke about myself at all. In fact, by the end of the night, the only things she really knows about me are things that we have in common (i.e. we're both hockey fans, I used to live in her neighbourhood, we have similar jobs, we're both amateur film critics), and that only came out as I was learning about her. That being said, the general discussion at the table that I starred in basically revolved around movies (which I had already learned she was interested in), and had very little to do with me personally.
And for the record, from someone who generally doesn't like being the centre of attention- yes, women do in fact look for the life of the party more often than they don't. | |
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| Losing Streak/Self-Confidence
Posted: 4/19/2009 3:10:55 PM |
just take it slow man i think your stepping in to the plate way too fast. Get to know her be her friend and what not.
To be fair, I've been talking to this girl through texts and emails for a while now, and while I've been doing my best to show that I'm interested, I'm also skating being relegated to just being her friend. | |
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| Losing Streak/Self-Confidence
Posted: 4/19/2009 4:17:34 PM | Doesn't self confidence refer to Confidence in yourself?
Let me put it this way:
I have a friend who is constantly late for work. As a result most people at work do not give her work that needs to be done first thing in the morning. Why? Looking at past experience, we just don't have confidence that she'll make it in on time.
I have a friend who always says "I'll call you with the info," and then never does. As a result whenever we try to plan something, I call him. Why? Looking at past experience, I just don't have confidence that he'll call me before things just fall apart.
Now my turn. Women just don't seem to be interested in me (or at least single, available women don't seem to be). Nevertheless, I still go out and fail over, and over again. Looking at past experience, I just don't have confidence that they'll be interested in me.
This "just have confidence in yourself" stuff just eludes me. Simple psychology says that we have confidence in ourselves while doing things we do well. We don't have confidence in ourselves while doing things we don't do well. I apparently, really don't do this well. | |
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| Losing Streak/Self-Confidence
Posted: 4/19/2009 4:23:24 PM | I totally hear where you're coming from. But here's another way of looking at it:
Failure is a necessary step on the path to success. Every time you fail, it means you learn something that you need to succeed. In fact, the only failure is failing to learn from your setbacks. | |
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| Losing Streak/Self-Confidence
Posted: 4/19/2009 4:39:21 PM | Well firstly let me add this: Failure is also a necessary step on the path to complete and utter failure. And something else that's good to learn from? Actual success in some shape or form.
But the problem is that with each failure I learn stuff that contradicts what I learned from each previous failure. (1) Be yourself...okay. (2) Be confident...okay I did that. (3) Be overtly confident (apparently I can't use the word I want to here)...well that's not really being myself, but okay. (4) Be vulnerable...well that's being a little less than confident, but okay I'll do that too. (5) Be aloof, and pretend you're not really interested. (6) Make sure she knows that you are interested...wait, what? (7) Be direct. (8) Be aloof. (9) Be aggressive. (10) Be patient. And then this continues until everything I've learned, and everything I do all contradicts rule #1, and saps from what I need to follow rule #2. | |
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| Losing Streak/Self-Confidence
Posted: 4/19/2009 4:53:25 PM |
Failure is also a necessary step on the path to complete and utter failure.
There's no such thing as complete and utter failure. No such thing.
The most successful people in the world are the people who have failed the hardest in life. Milton Hershey went through six bankruptcies before making it big in chocolate and getting a whole city named after him. Walt Disney was virtually penniless when he created Mickey Mouse. I could go on and on.
There is no such thing as complete and utter failure. | |
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| Losing Streak/Self-Confidence
Posted: 4/19/2009 5:18:06 PM | Now my turn. Women just don't seem to be interested in me (or at least single, available women don't seem to be). Nevertheless, I still go out and fail over, and over again. Looking at past experience, I just don't have confidence that they'll be interested in me.
This "just have confidence in yourself" stuff just eludes me. Simple psychology says that we have confidence in ourselves while doing things we do well. We don't have confidence in ourselves while doing things we don't do well. I apparently, really don't do this well.
A few things you really need to have in order to draw people to you...
1. Know that not all will be your cup of tea - this gets you off the hook about the outcome of everything. All you can do is meet and learn about people - the rest isn't up to you. Remember everything involving two people needs the approval of both people....you can't make it happen all on your own.
2. You cannot "create" attraction, but you can kill it. Your unspoken energy has a lot to do with how you're perceived - so make sure you have the energy of being in the moment and stop caring how things will turn out. Talk to women simply to talk to them, not with a planned agenda or goal. Women sense agenda from 10 miles away, and will by default put up walls in reaction to it, and sometimes with men they might otherwise have liked talking to - so just don't have one.
2a. The good thing about not having an agenda is that you no longer care what comes of what's going on - you relax more and generally become easier to talk to, safer, more approachable.
3. Approach every social situation with looking forward to who you'll meet and talk to, and that you'll enjoy the event itself. Mindset is everything - never leave the house hoping to meet a woman and date her - it gives you something to fail at. Going out to enjoy going out and nothing more will leave you no expectations to keep watch of.
Yes - self confidence comes from you setting out to do things you CAN control and succeeding at them. Work, hobbies, fitness things that involve you putting in the effort and it paying off are where you should get your self esteem. Situations that involve other people give us unpredictable outcomes, and therefore aren't a good place to get your esteem from.
If you look to get it from scoring with women, it'll be a chaotic pattern because no guy really scores with all women (of quality, anyway) and others will sense that from you and you'll get the opposite. If you look to get it from your life, your accomplishments and your ambition and you don't care what others think - it will actually make people curious about you. Being happy before you leave the house is something people are drawn to - looking to find it from others will drain people.
To sum it up, you have to genuinely not care if you end up dating anyone to throw off energy that draws potential dates to you (beyond attraction of course). It's a tricky thing to master, but once you do it should dawn on you like a pile of bricks, and then it'll all come easy to you - a large reason for that is that you won't care. You can't stress over something not happening you never expected in the first place, right? | |
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| Losing Streak/Self-Confidence
Posted: 4/19/2009 5:21:50 PM | | Dont get so down on yourself man...its weird cause the last relationship i got out of left me all messed up..after her i thought wait im not good enough for this/that girl..BULLSHIT! Its all about how you holler that game and how you act. You gotta find that confidence in yourself! BEILEVE IN YOURSELF. I know its a pain gettin up in the morning thinking bout the one you lost..but look at it this way..THERES SO MANY BEAUTIFUL WOMEN OUT THERE WAITING to be talked to. Oright well good luck. Confidence doesnt come from what you own,buy,look like. It all comes from within yourself. | |
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| Losing Streak/Self-Confidence
Posted: 4/19/2009 5:48:37 PM | Funny thing about hitting that ball. I've heard it said that when the mojo is there, it's this big grapefruit that you can't help but hit out of the park. When it's not there, there isn't one thing you can do about it. Even the best hitters miss 7 out of 10 times. And only Dimaggio went 56 consecutive games. Then again, he was married to Marilyn Monroe so he might not be a good example for regular people.
It's when you go crazy and try all sorts of strange stuff that things get really bad. Unfortunately, it just gives the aura of either flakyness or something approaching desperation. It's something that people just seem to instinctively pick up on. Don't know why...but they do. Especially if you try too hard. It doesn't come across as natural and confident on a woman's radar.
It's probably one of those stretches where nothing seems to go right. All you can do is tough this stretch out.
Don't worry, you will get your self confidence back and things will get better.
Regards
M | |
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| Losing Streak/Self-Confidence
Posted: 4/19/2009 6:07:36 PM | | Keep trying, it's a numbers game. I'm still trying. I even went out with this girl that wasn't my type whatsoever... it went well and I count it as a learning experience. The question is, are you doing what I did before that? Approaching the ones that look like your type... but are too shallow to see who you really are? You might want to weed out those girls because they're a waste of time anyways. Key words they use are "tall guy" and other things that people can't control about themselves. | |
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| Losing Streak/Self-Confidence
Posted: 4/19/2009 6:54:12 PM | Bigid, you appear to be a bright guy. That is good, because many smart women like a guy with brains. You also appear to be overweight. This is not so good. You can't expect an attractive woman to know telepathetically that you are bright but she can sure as hell see if you appear attractive! You also appear to be very self-conscious and self-scrutinize every thing you do and don't. This is not a sexy thing to do.
So let's see what you can do to improve your dating career. First maintain that sharp mind. Secondly, get yourself in better physical condition including getting a haircut that is congruent with the shape of your face as well as wearing fashionable clothes. Third, cease obsessing and condemning yourself for not being a Don Juan. It smells of self-pity. Women don't like that characteristic in guys. Fourth, make certain that you are developing a solid career and a passion for your work. It is an aphrodisiac for many women. Fifth, count your blessings. Instead of focusing solely on being a failure with women be grateful for having good health, good friends, supportive family a fulfilling job and the capacity to learn and grow and to improve your skill competencies in dating.
Believe me when I say if you were to lose your health today ( my best friend, a star athlete and quintessential ladies man was struck with a severe spinal inflammation resulting in his complete disability. He would give up everything he owns, including his black book with girlfirends' phone numbers, if he could walk again). So keep your issue with women in perspective and not make it the in all and end all of life, because it ain't! | |
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| Losing Streak/Self-Confidence
Posted: 4/20/2009 12:23:42 AM | Maybe it's time to get a new batting coach. Just change your approach a little and be confident!! We all go through bad streaks it's just finding a way to get back on a winning streak.
Remeber attraction was made for everyone and out there the prefect person waits for you just keep on giving it your best. | |
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| Losing Streak/Self-Confidence
Posted: 4/20/2009 4:01:41 AM | | May I suggest basing your self-confidence on other things besides women-! Like job skills, athletics, something else you do and do well. Then, if a lady comes along who looks appealing, channel that mojo into her, and, if she rejects you, so what, you've got other pursuits to channel your mojo into-! Just a suggestion... | |
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| Losing Streak/Self-Confidence
Posted: 4/20/2009 10:49:50 AM | IMO you don't have anything to worry about. First of all, you are going out and meeting new friends. Secondly, you are not uncomfortable with women in general as you say you have no issues being charming with women that are unattainable, ie married or in a relationship.
So why the issue with single women? Do you try too hard to impress them? Do you advertise the fact you are single and looking?
Here is a thought. How many of these married women have single friends? By being yourself with them, they may just say to their single friend, "Hey, I know this guy I think would be perfect for you." Then it is just a matter of being yourself. Sometimes when you lack self-confidence, you need to have confidence in those that know you best!!!
Just because you don't hit homers every time at bat, does not mean you are not getting base hits!!! | |
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| Losing Streak/Self-Confidence
Posted: 4/20/2009 5:11:59 PM | | You sound great, so I don't really know what's going on. I can only think of people I know who are the life and soul of the party. They have fun, talk a lot, sometimes show off a lot, and basically seem to have their life full and no time to listen. You don't get to see their sensitive side, so there is little to get emotionally attached to and for a woman we need that feeling of there being a real, feeling person in there. We need someone who wants to share their hearts and connect, not impress from a distance. Life and souls can come across as insensitive and full of themselves. I'm sure you are probably just a genuine guy. Only thing I can suggest is try asking the ladies about themselves. Show an interest in them. Ask questions and listen to the answers, don't leap in with 'yes, and this is what I do' and then go off on your own self-publicity tirade again. I've had this happen to me so often with guys that I'm really beginning to dismiss them pretty quickly. There are the guys who interact with me and those who lecture; the interactive guys have a better chance and seem more human. If they are attracted and attractive too, well, they are likely to get somewhere, especially if they gently and consistently push things forward a step at a time. If you get a number or whatever, follow up, follow up. Don't leave it to the woman to contact you and chase you. This is what some guys do, flirt, show interest, seem really keen, suggest outings, get a number and then ... nothing until they happen to bump into you again. What's the point? Perhaps someone can explain why guys do this. Do they show their interest and then test to see if the woman is equally interested and will come running? If so, that is a big mistake. A shy woman is not going to change overnight and start doing the running. She's still wondering if he really is interested enough - and yes, man enough - to take it forward. Obviously, one should not sally forth in the face of blatant rejection, but a little confidence and gradual testing of the attraction wouldn't go amiss. Good luck. | |
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| Losing Streak/Self-Confidence
Posted: 4/20/2009 8:02:05 PM | | your best bet is to just take a break, and it sounds like you need a vacation. just keep your head high and keep looking. and eventually your losing streak will come to an end. | |
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| Losing Streak/Self-Confidence
Posted: 4/20/2009 8:17:21 PM | Hi Big ID,
I have read the first 10 or so repsonses to your original post (as well as your question of course) and I just thought I would try this on for size. My response simply attempts to offer and explanation as to the "losing steak" and has no bearing on your Self confidence. What I am trying to share is that:
...if you are doing the relatively same thing over and over again, expecting a different result, what is that the definition of?
Unfortunately I have to make assmptions about the situation and I trust you will not extract any negativity out of my statements/question. Furthering to the self-confidence matter, just keep it up as others have said, becuase if you don't have confidence in yourself, who will?
Take care. Hope you find someone special - bear in mind most of us are still searching too! | |
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