| dating women with similiar interests
Posted: 4/20/2009 12:44:42 PM | How necessary is it? My last gf and i didn't really share in much...she was that liberal artist who watched a lot of tv
I am a conservative, hard working self employed man.
some of the issues that we had, although overall are very slight....how much weight do you give them?
I like the Cardinals, she liked the Cubs
I vote Republican, she votes Democratic
She liked to cook, I liked to go out to dinner
and the list just goes on.....no most of these things aren't that major...but how much weight is necessary when dating someone who likes the same things you do?
Most of the fights we had were over trivial things.
I like the idea of dating someone different, because she is more likely to challenge me with ideas that I never knew before....but this last gf was just soo different....
people's takes? | |
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| dating women with similiar interests
Posted: 4/20/2009 12:47:42 PM | Interests are somewhat important - you need to share a few! - but take a secondary role to important things like shared values, beliefs, short- and long-term goals, etc. You can often develop common interests, but you can seldom expect changes in core ideals such as values.
You seem to be describing lifestyle issues, rather than interests or values. | |
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| dating women with similiar interests
Posted: 4/20/2009 12:55:19 PM | | Personal compatibility is more important than similar interests. If you can't get along does enjoying the same things even matter? | |
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| dating women with similiar interests
Posted: 4/20/2009 1:13:48 PM | Like the posters above me, I think you can have a wide variance between your interests and someone else's and still, have a relationship that's interesting and fun. Where people really have to come together is in the area of core values. I'm going to expand on that for a change.
Our values are the beliefs we live by. If we have things that we think are important but don't live by them, they are only beliefs. The stuff that's really important to you, should be really important to her as well (i.e. honesty, faithfulness, loyalty... etc.)
It wouldn't be much fun to have someone who was so much like us we would literally just be dating ourselves and differences give us a great opportunity to develop the art of compromise and negotiation. That's a big part of why we have relationships at all so look at your differences with someone as learning opportunities and tackle them with as much finesse as you can muster. | |
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| dating women with similiar interests
Posted: 4/20/2009 1:17:14 PM | Chemistry and compatibility are different things. On the compatibility front, if you can tolerate self-help books, there's one that might interest you. The Love Compatibility Book: The 12 Personality Traits that Can Lead You to Your Soulmate, by Edward Hoffman and Marcella Weiner, provides a structure and self-assessment to understand dimensions associated with long term compatibility. The 12 critical traits that the authors claim relate to compatibility are Need for Companionship, Idealism, Emotional Intensity, Spontaneity, Libido, Nurturance, Materialism, Extroversion, Aestheticism, Activity Level, Subjective Well-Being, and Intellectualism. The authors claim that, of these 12, compatibility depends heavily on how you match your partner on your top four “must have” traits.
I think the the specific examples you list in your post can each be mapped into one of these areas. Despite the the book's somewhat sappy title, it's actually very reasonable and useful.
Doesn't address the chemistry question. | |
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| dating women with similiar interests
Posted: 4/20/2009 1:19:56 PM | | You can have all kinds of differences but the trick is accepting someone else's. It should be stimulating to discuss all the differences, experience the differences, but not expend your energy fighting about them...it's called sharing and playing nice. | |
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| dating women with similar interests
Posted: 4/20/2009 1:20:31 PM | I think differences are fine. Just respect each-others point of view. My girlfriend is vegetarian, democrat, and wants to be socially involved in projects I have no interest. I am very athletic and she can hardly ride a bike. I think she is a great balance to myself. I make sure I cook vegetarian not because I want to but, to show that I am considerate. I learn about global hunger and she learns about multinationals.
Maybe you could go to a Card, Cubs game and not rub it in when the Cubs lose, and then try and make something on the menu from your favorite restaurant. Agree that the republicans have made some big mistakes and that not every thing the democrats are doing is going to work. Both parties are so imperfect. Find ways to compliment each-others weaknesses. | |
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| dating women with similar interests
Posted: 4/20/2009 1:34:06 PM | This has come up in my life lately...
I was with a guy who couldn't get serious about me because I didn't share all of his hobbies. Of course, he never let me in that part of his life to find out if I could like them when trying them out. No, he wanted to fall in love with a girl that knew the ins and outs of cars - how they work, how to race them, how to do all his watersports, likes the same kind of death metal, history of risking sports (bmx riding, skateboarding), gourmet cook, etc.
To me, there is a difference between enjoying your partner's interests, mirroring her interests, and having no interest in them.
I only want the first one and part of the second. I want enjoy my partner's interests and have some in common. I don't want a clone - god how boring. I want someone who can help me continue to grow and develop. AND...it's nice if we don't always do hte same things, gives us stuff ot talk about.
OTOH, ifyou have NO interest in her hobbies, that makes for a clash. When my ex got into liking the news, government, politics, history, we clashed. He wanted to talk about the latest news show, I wanted to put my hands over my ears. I hated it. SO much. And I wanted to get outside and have fun. Go to festivals, climb mountains, etc... He wanted to sit around and watch tv on his arse.
Over the years resentment just built up and up.
I think to be a good partner, you have to enjoy having a small part in your partner's hobbies - whether it's being able to carry on a conversation about them, or going to watch them participate, or participating in it with them. And if you can't do that, then you are gonna have problems. So it's not a case of sharing all the same hobbies, it's being able to learn a little about them and enjoy being part of them.
Does tha tmake sense?
That's how I feel, anyway. | |
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| dating women with similar interests
Posted: 4/20/2009 1:34:08 PM | I like someone with different interests..I love to be around people I can learn from and who wants to learn from me!
If we have all the same interests, You would run out of things to teach each other! | |
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| dating women with similiar interests
Posted: 4/20/2009 1:41:25 PM | Some of the women I've had the closest and most intense relationships with, were ones with whom I had very little in common.
You don't have to share a lot of interests to be a good match.
You can enjoy learning from each other. | |
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| dating women with similiar interests
Posted: 4/20/2009 1:52:20 PM | From what you describe, I don’t think you and your girlfriend were THAT different. You may like the Cards and she may root for the Cubs, but TOGETHER you shared a love for “The Game”; BASEBALL, Ray, BASEBALL. You may be a Republican and she a Dem, but that tells me that you’re both civic minded and share a love for your country; you both CARE about the issues. IMO, this is an indication of compatibility, not incompatibility. Would being with a woman who LOATHED baseball or one that was vapid headed and wondered what people study when they attend the Electoral College be more preferable to you?
I guess it’s all in how you look at it, but having had it both ways, I will opt for compatibility every single time. I want someone with a very similar sense of humor, so we can laugh together; I want us to share similar convictions, principles and character; I want our personalities to be so in tune, that even if we don’t share EVERYTHING, we’ll be able to sincerely take an interest in and care about each other’s passions. I don’t want a “challenge” when it comes to a mate; relationships are challenging enough. I feel that the more we have in common, the easier it will be for us to relate to one another; and the easier we relate to one another, the better our relationship will be. | |
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| dating women with similiar interests
Posted: 4/20/2009 2:05:39 PM | | It is somewhat important to have common interests, 'cuz it gives you something to talk about. As long as there are SOME compatibilities that you agree on, you won't butt heads all the time. At least you both liked baseball! | |
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| dating women with similiar interests
Posted: 4/20/2009 2:06:40 PM | I dont believe that you have to share all interests. Some common interests are a must and a partner who supports those interests which arent shared.
All too often we can end up resenting a hobby/interest when we feel that it is taking our partner away from us... just human nature I think. I dont play a musical instrument, nor do I have an interest in learning, I do however greatly admire anyone who can play an instrument.
I think that core values are more important to a sucessful relationship. | |
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| dating women with similiar interests
Posted: 4/20/2009 2:50:00 PM | This is an individual thing. For people who need a lot of personal space, having similar interests is less important than to people who really want to spend a great deal of time together. In dating, it can be interesting and fun to be around someone different - but if you are moving toward a long term relationship, then you need to be clear on how much time you want to spend with that partner, and whether it will be an issue, for example, if you don't want to watch the football game or he doesn't want to go to dancing with you. How close do you want to be, and are you willing to negotiate to achieve that closeness?
I was married for a long time to a partner who had very different interests than I. In the end, it did matter. I need space, but not that much space. There has to be something fun shared in a partnership.
Values, political and spiritual orientation are separate but related issues. I am sure there are successful partnerships where there is great diversity, but there has to be a lot of respect, I think, or it just won't work. If your politics or religion is not very important to you, then it is more likely that you will be able to be successful in a relationship with someone who disagrees with you, as long as they do not continually try to convert you. I personally cannot imagine myself in a long term relationship with a conservative fundamentalist Christian - although much of my family is oriented that way, and I love them and enjoy being around them. It's different when you are in partnership than when you are just dating or friends with someone. You want to share some passion in life with your partner, I think. At least some of us do. Maybe not everyone. | |
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Jim978
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Joined: 7/15/2008
Msg: 16 | |
| dating women with similiar interests
Posted: 4/20/2009 3:04:14 PM | OP - You personify the classic "Can't see the forest for the trees" statement.
I like the Cardinals, she liked the Cubs
So you both like baseball?
I vote Republican, she votes Democratic
So you both have an interest in and follow politics?
She liked to cook, I liked to go out to dinner
So you both have an interest in food?
It sounds to me like you are looking for excuses not to be with someone instead of reasons to be with them. | |
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| dating women with similiar interests
Posted: 4/20/2009 3:50:27 PM | If you're looking to get laid, then only a few interests matter.
If you want to share a life with this person, then sharing a lot of interests matter.
If you want to have separate lives, but get together to enjoy an event both of you like in common...then having only a few shared interests is OK.
If you're hoping having this person in your life, will make your own life better, then shared interests isn't an issue until you realize the unhealthiness of the relationship. But maybe you like drama, in which case you will be in heaven.
and so on. | |
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| dating women with similiar interests
Posted: 4/20/2009 4:15:03 PM | Like a lot of things, I think the extremes are bad, but there is a whole spectrum of good in the middle. If you have absolutely nothing in common, what can you enjoy together? If all your interests overlap, what can either of you do to have some alone time? In the middle the question becomes, what are the deal-breaker interests?
In the OP's list, I think the baseball is a common interest you can quip at each other about. Politics can be touchier, depending on how strongly the views are held. A pro-choice woman with a pro-life man could really be a recipe for disaster.
I think it's great to share things I like with a woman and to learn new things from her. | |
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~Eve~
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Joined: 10/3/2008
Msg: 19 | |
| dating women with similiar interests
Posted: 4/20/2009 4:42:07 PM | I think a couple should have at least one or two things things they "both" enjoy....they need something they can do together.  | |
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| dating women with similiar interests
Posted: 4/20/2009 4:58:44 PM | "I like the Cardinals, she liked the Cubs
I vote Republican, she votes Democratic
She liked to cook, I liked to go out to dinner"
Obviously the Republican vs. Democrat is something that can be hard to overcome.
But I live in that middle zone of Illinois that is strongly Cubs vs. Cardinals, and poeple may laugh but that rivalry is a huge deal. My advice would be to have fun with it, it doesn't have to be mean spirited between you just because the rivalry is. Third finding a woman who likes to cook is wonderful IMO you should definitely come around to her side on this one for your longterm health. Also that is a trivial difference in the grand scheme of things. The Republican vs. Democrat is bigger it influences how you both see the world. | |
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| dating women with similiar interests
Posted: 4/20/2009 5:17:05 PM | | Whether you want someone who is just like you or complete opposite is fine if you love each other. Its the big stuff that makes all the difference in whether you should be with this person , not this nit picky little stuff. I don't care if the guy likes what I like or vice versa as long as he doesnt try to change me. And as long as he has a job, brings the paycheck home before spending the entire thing on himself, doesnt cheat on me, beat me, or abuse me in any other way, I'm good! | |
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| dating women with similiar interests
Posted: 4/20/2009 5:29:04 PM | I also believe in having similar interests at the same time of having different opinions. But my thing is I'm very open-minded. I can listen to someone else's opinion and agree and/or disagree with some or all of the statement w/o getting rattled and angry. I respect a opinion, actually I hardly voice my opinion until I hear both sides of a story.
So I'd expect the same. I want to be able to have a good conversation without someone getting rattled as well. Not too much to ask is it? | |
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| dating women with similiar interests
Posted: 4/20/2009 5:30:12 PM | | I make it priority to have somethings if not all things in common. I do not want to have to go out of the relationship top get along or spend time with a friend as she is supposed to be my best friend. So I say opposites attract , but a best friend is hard to come by . | |
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| dating women with similiar interests
Posted: 4/20/2009 5:37:27 PM | | in the end it will be all about sex, food and tv. activities will come and go but old age ailments will prevail lolol | |
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| dating women with similiar interests
Posted: 4/20/2009 5:53:11 PM | wow many great replies! and maybe i didn't go into very many details.
We always had a lot of fun together, we would go to the cubs/cards games, we would always enjoy dinner together, we always did everything together, but she would never have any conversations about it because it was too frustrating that we didn't agree...she wouldn't even approach the conversations. I don't want to date my twin...I want to date someone who is somewhat challenging, somewhat near my level of intelect, and someone supportive....
She just would never approach the conversations because we felt differently, and it would be too much of an argument to get into the conversation....which then would lead to a fight about her not communicating...
It somewhat has turned me off to dating someone who thinks differently then I do....all in all she is a great woman, but when she won't talk about the differences, how are you supposed to enjoy them? | |
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