| Deadbeat moms...why is it some moms don't have that maternal instinct at all?
Posted: 4/20/2009 1:01:35 PM | | I would have never believed it until I saw it for myself but there are really moms out there who have no interest in parenting their children, no maternal instinct at all. I have seen alot of forums about deadbeat dads and such but the sad thing is there are moms who are the same and isn't it moms who are suppose to give the nurturing comfort. I wonder if babies can feel it when moms simply lack nurturing skills when they are young and when they are teenagers, they would simply prefer to party instead of lead by example. How many times are deadbeat moms given extra chances because society is just beginning to realize that this sort of behavior exists! | |
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| Deadbeat moms...why is it some moms don't have that maternal instinct at all?
Posted: 4/20/2009 1:11:43 PM | Just because mom's give birth doesn't mean they want to or that they have a maternal instinct. More women do than men overall I suspect, but it's not a given. I know a few moms who either were terrible parents or walked away from children (and knew it was better that way).
It's odd to me that anyone would think all women have any set traits that men wouldn't - outside of what society normally dictates. | |
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| Deadbeat moms...why is it some moms don't have that maternal instinct at all?
Posted: 4/20/2009 1:27:17 PM | I guess the reasons some mom's don't have that paternal instinct can also be used for some of the "deadbeat dads" we've heard about for years. It's because of forums like these that people are starting to realize that the one women in their little town that everyone talks about behind her back isn't all that alone anymore. As for the moms getting extra chances (especially with regards to the law)  please don't get me started. The X hasn't even made half of the payments shes supposed to have over the past 4 years and all the judge keeps telling her is she better start working "or else". I've been to these hearings when a guy is 2-3 months behind and they throw the book at him.....my X is about 25 months behind and still nothing........I'm done, I'll get off my soap box now  | |
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| Deadbeat moms...why is it some moms don't have that maternal instinct at all?
Posted: 4/20/2009 1:36:27 PM | Sure there are lots of women with little to no maternal instincts, the same as there are men with no paternal instincts.
In some cases the woman may give birth simply to satisfy her husbands desire to procreate, or it's an accidental pregnancy.
I read a book years ago, The Secret Life of the Unborn Child by Thomas Verny, M.D. with John Kelly. It discusses how a fetus can feel, hear, sense love, anxiety etc while in utero. The amazing part was that they also discovered that these unborn babes could also tell if they were wanted or not. All emotions, good or bad, evoke different chemical responses within the mother that affect the babies. Chronic or prolonged exposure to some (not fleeting thought) can leave 'scars' for a lack of a better word that can follow the person through out their life. It's a fascinating read.
I wonder if babies can feel it when moms simply lack nurturing skills when they are young
Yes. Definitely. Babies have very keen instincts.
when they are teenagers
They know by this point who does and doesn't care about them.
How many times are deadbeat moms given extra chances because society is just beginning to realize that this sort of behavior exists!
Too many in my opinion.
If a baby is removed from it's mother for neglect or the mother chooses to pass the child over to social services, it should be final. Many are repeatedly given the opportunity simply because they gave birth. By the time they are removed permanently, the child is of an age that no one wants to adopt them. Often times these children have a whole new set of issues that wouldn't have been there had those repeated chances not been given.
This has always existed. In days gone by, there was closer ties with extended family. Often a childless relative would step in and raise this baby as their own if the mother was estranged. Social services didn't exist to dole out second chances, and I think the children were better off in the long run. | |
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| Deadbeat moms...why is it some moms don't have that maternal instinct at all?
Posted: 4/20/2009 2:04:47 PM | If this seems like something new, then perhaps a person should look up "wet nurse", this was a woman who had a baby, disposed of that baby, and nursed royalty... if that isn't as unmotherly as you can get, then I guess go look at the death rate of baby girls in china...
We would all like to think that the female is the nurturer sadly the news has demonstrated heinous, horrific crimes committed by mothers, against their own children, or another's...
I would love to say this is a new behavior, but sadly it isn't... | |
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| Deadbeat moms...why is it some moms don't have that maternal instinct at all?
Posted: 4/20/2009 4:22:19 PM | for the same reasons that some men lack a paternal instinct....
here is an idea...instead of calling it maternal or paternal...how about parental instincts?
Believe it or not, it is still more socially acceptable for a man to be a deadbeat father than it is for a woman to be a deadbeat mom (although not by much)...qu'elle surprise! | |
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| Deadbeat moms...why is it some moms don't have that maternal instinct at all?
Posted: 4/20/2009 4:36:25 PM | I was born to a Non maternal Mom...I dont blame her becasue she did try she just wasnt maternal...I know the pain of growing up unwanted so when I became a Mommy I decided to do my best to let my Son know that he is loved and wanted..and that he was the reason I even met his Father...Becasue I was supposed to have him...I feel his father has the samefeelings toward our son as my mom had toward me...Well that didnt last long..becasue I know there are Daddys out there that love being Daddys...I have one still...So there is hope...
As long as someong shows them they are loved and wanted they will learn to make decisions for themselves on how how to love .... | |
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| Deadbeat moms...why is it some moms don't have that maternal instinct at all?
Posted: 4/20/2009 5:03:48 PM | there are really moms out there who have no interest in parenting their children, no maternal instinct at all.
Alas my childrens mother is one of those. Didn't see the kids last week at all, saw them for one hour the week before. She will see them tomorrow for about 2 hours and does not know yet whether she will see them on Friday (she originally agreed she would see them Mon, Tues, Friday of each week, but they are lucky if they see her twice a week). She never see's them during her time off work (even told them she couldn't see them because she was working too much when she took a week off work).
The funny thing is she wasn't always that way, she used to be a great mum and the kids were her life. She spent all of her time with the kids, did lots with them and was very much involved in their lives. Then around 2 years ago she changed jobs where most of the people she works with are much younger than her. She started going out with them and I guess decided that she wanted to be young again and have the life her friends have rather than being bogged down with children and responsibilities.
She earns a reasonable wage but does not contribute to the chidrens upkeep and does not believe she should because (and I quote) "you wanted the kids". | |
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| Deadbeat moms...why is it some moms don't have that maternal instinct at all?
Posted: 4/20/2009 5:17:37 PM | I love kids but especially babies (note; but will not be having anymore:) All the females in my family are very maternal. My Father was an excellent loving Dad, but had an equally strong presence over my brother and I . My point is I think I inherited some of my nurturing but I was shown so much love by my family, that it is natural for me to have a strong maternal instinct. My heart hurts for any child who is an orphanage, or who doesn't have a loving family. I then turn that sadness and worry over to prayer because it would consume my spirit if I focus on not being able to help all the little children without parents, or neglected/abused.
I truly believe it is a combination of both genetics and environment that create a maternal instinct. I'm leaning a little more towards environment on creating that drive maybe 60/40. | |
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| Deadbeat moms...why is it some moms don't have that maternal instinct at all?
Posted: 4/20/2009 7:25:03 PM | Kindredpage, I agree, I was born unwanted to two parents that wanted a son... When I was born, my mother called my dad at work, said bad news it's another girl..
It was hell from there on...
Beatings, abuse, emotional abuse, an unhappy home of hatred...
Me, I was always very good with babies... Could calm the most cranky in a matter of minutes.. Was it genetics??? My mom never felt like a wanted child...
I had three, raised four... Youngest is 13, and spoiled to a certain degree...
One thing I have to admit to, I had a hard time hugging my kids once they got to a certain size... It took its toll on my oldest in a way that she is not a huggy person... However since I have become more openly loving as a person and parent, she is too... She's 25, so parental loving influence can be taught even after we have fallen on our face due to our own lacking childhood... | |
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| Deadbeat moms...why is it some moms don't have that maternal instinct at all?
Posted: 4/20/2009 8:04:47 PM | I've actually seen this in my own cousin. My family has tried to figure out how to get custody of my cousin's 3 yr old daughter away from her because she just leaves her with anybody so she can go party and had her on a bottle until she was >2 yrs old, and never did anything for her. I think there may just be some people who were not meant to be parents, and unfortunately, they don't know how to use birth control or refuse to give their children up for adoption or let the dad have the kid when it's born, because it's about control. The one who has the kid has the control over who sees the kid, and when, and they use that to manipulate everyone. It's a horrible situation, but unfortunately, there's nothing you can hook someone up to that rates their parental abilities before they go have a kid.
Angela | |
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| Deadbeat moms...why is it some moms don't have that maternal instinct at all?
Posted: 4/21/2009 8:40:20 AM | Both parents should be the sources of many, many things it is just that society expects every single woman on the planet to have a nurturing side and the fact is that there are many who don't. My mother was one of them, thank God my grandmother lived with us. No one really thinks it odd for a man to be this way but a woman who doesn't have a parenting bone in her body is a freak of nature.
Sometimes too people ARE very nurturing but it may not appear so to other people. I was never the type to talk baby talk to my kids or treat them like they were fragile little beings and it kind of cracks me up, my daughter is so obviously maternal that people comment on it and I think to myself, gee, where do you think she got that? I think you are referring to people that blatantly are not caring for their children but you also have to remember that what you see is not necessarily the whole story. | |
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| Deadbeat moms...why is it some moms don't have that maternal instinct at all?
Posted: 4/21/2009 8:51:14 AM | I know right where you are coming from. My kids' mom can go for literally months without so much as a phone call let alone a visit. She's living the life of a single person (I'm not knocking it - I miss it from time to time) so much that I wonder if she simply forgets she has kids at all.
Thanks for your post. It gave me a little strength knowing I am not alone.
God bless. | |
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| Deadbeat moms...why is it some moms don't have that maternal instinct at all?
Posted: 4/22/2009 10:42:16 AM | | i agree with this ladies opinion on this this lable sticks well to men and women...my father walked away when i was 6 months old and never returned...ive got a picture and thats it...that hurt me as a child and still to this day...when i married and had a child her mother went out dancing with friends one night and never returned for 2 months and now six months later shes pregnant again with the guy shes was messing around with...so i dont see a difference on either side of the line its purely up to how that person reacts to the responsability of being a parent. the instict mentioned is in people that have the ability to sacrifice for the families that they have created... | |
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| Deadbeat moms...why is it some moms don't have that maternal instinct at all?
Posted: 4/22/2009 4:25:39 PM | I see a trend with mothers who aren't ready to grow up and be in a family. They missed out on party years or want to relive them, etc.
That's what happened to my ex, she didn't want to grow up, so I was living with and supporting two children. That didn't last for long.
Although I'm interested to know if has any ties to post-partum depression. Say.. if they go through a phase and reject the child subconciously and the abandonment of maternal duties is just a part of it. | |
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| Deadbeat moms...why is it some moms don't have that maternal instinct at all?
Posted: 4/22/2009 7:36:51 PM |
Although I'm interested to know if has any ties to post-partum depression. Say.. if they go through a phase and reject the child subconciously and the abandonment of maternal duties is just a part of it.
I don't think that is the case with my kids mum. By the time she walked out our oldest was 16 and our youngest was 6. For at least the first 13 years of my daughters life my ex was a good mum. Personally I put it down to a mid life crisis, she completely changed personality and behaviour just as she was hitting 40. | |
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| Deadbeat moms...why is it some moms don't have that maternal instinct at all?
Posted: 5/16/2009 3:39:25 AM | Op be thankful your kids have you in their lives. My dad doesn't have any parental instinct but my mum is the best mum in the world. She doesn't say "love you" or really show much emotion but I know that she loves me with all her heart and no matter how old I am I will always be her baby and for that I am eternally grateful!
However my half sister (same dad, different mum) has a situation where NEITHER parent has any parental instincts! Fortunately she has my mum in her life to which she is also grateful for.
At around the age of 7 months she was "dropped" on my mum with nappy rash so bad several layers of skin where literally gone, she looked like she was wearing a bright red nappy and it took my mum several weeks of nursing to just get it well enough to put a nappy on without her crying out in pain.
She practically lived with us until the age of 5 when once she could pretty much do most things for herself she was promptly pulled back out of a loving home to go back - not much my mum could do about it as this was 20 years ago!
But my mum is still there for her just the same. My sister is now a mum herself and is very maternal, sometimes when people dont have parental instinct parents they give the love they missed out on to their own children.
As long as a child has someone, anyone to love them then they will be ok x | |
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