| Why would you want to remain friends with an ex
Posted: 4/22/2009 6:11:05 PM | Okay, I did the thread search. There are many about "Should I...", but none specifically on the "why". The answers are sprinkled through those, but there's not a specific post.
For the sake of this discussion, let's leave out those ex's where there are kids involved. In fact, I'd rather leave out those relationships that had lasted over an extended period. Say...5 years, as just some random time-frame. I would also think we should not include one night stands, either. More than a couple weeks and less than 5 years.
My question:
Why would you want to remain friends with an ex?
...By the way, this is not a criticism of either staying or not staying with an ex. And it's definitely not a "should I stay with an ex" question. I'd just like to know some reasons why people do. | |
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| Why would you want to remain friends with an ex
Posted: 4/22/2009 6:15:52 PM | | Unless you both disagree to the point of never speaking again, why wouldn't you remain friends? You can decide dating isn't for you and still be friendly and civil with someone... | |
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| Why would you want to remain friends with an ex
Posted: 4/22/2009 6:19:14 PM | I stay friends because I liked them as people in the first place or I wouldn't have dated them..and none of my shorter term relationships have ended because of some terrible behavior either...just mismatches mostly..that's not to say I socialize with all of them...but, most of them I remain friendly with, and some I keep in contact with...there has only been one person in my entire life I would never speak to again...and that one was only about a year...
I tend to be someone who likes to maintain long term friendships, and stay friendly with most people...just think it is a better way to be generally... | |
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| Why would you want to remain friends with an ex
Posted: 4/22/2009 6:20:38 PM | Nope, not redundant.
WIP - Certainly a point. Would you be speaking about an ex who was simply someone that one dated for awhile, or would you be speaking of an ex as someone you were with for an extended period and had more of an emotional investment with...or both? | |
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| Why would you want to remain friends with an ex
Posted: 4/22/2009 6:22:35 PM | You were great friends at one time, so something worked. If they're really good people and you were attracted for more reasons than sex or desperation, then of course you should stay friends. They were your teachers and you were theirs!
That said, sometimes the ex was there to teach you really hard lessons about how the WRONG choice in lovers can SKREW YOU UP. Sometimes an ex is someone who shows you, by their actions, that you have to be more discerning in who you allow in your life.
Hopefully, they're ex's because the lesson has been learned on both sides. If so and you're still feeling good about the person as a person, then they can become a valuable sounding board for new lovers - who can call you on your poop better than someone who went through it with you? That may take some time to get there, tho. | |
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| Why would you want to remain friends with an ex
Posted: 4/22/2009 6:26:56 PM |
WIP - Certainly a point. Would you be speaking about an ex who was simply someone that one dated for awhile, or would you be speaking of an ex as someone you were with for an extended period and had more of an emotional investment with...or both?
Both. Two weeks, two months, two years, whatever. No reason not to be friendly...some you remain in contact with, some you meet for dinner/drinks once in a great while to catch up, some you chat with if you happen to bump into them somewhere....
I agree with Zangie, if I dated the guy, I can't see why I'd not remain friends with them - even if we didn't jive as SOs. | |
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| Why would you want to remain friends with an ex
Posted: 4/22/2009 6:28:04 PM | | Because I choose my friends carefully, they tend to remain my friends. There are situations where my friends became something different, albeit may not more, than friends... but they were my friends at the beginning, and I'm proud to have them there, now. | |
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| Why would you want to remain friends with an ex
Posted: 4/22/2009 6:29:28 PM | I think it all depends on the people. I have some ex's that I have remained friends with because the break up was done respectfully and without malace. I also have some ex's that have not remained a friend because it hurt one of us too much to be around the other and not be together. People are different and take things differently, so its a really hard to judge.
When it comes to relationships where young children are involved that can sometimes be a problem if there is shared custody and the break up was bitter.
There is also the issue of "what caused the break up". IMO if a break up was due to cheating, lying or some other nasty reason like breaking the law, I would not have any reason to want to be friends with someone who was of such poor character who made bad judgements. | |
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| Why would you want to remain friends with an ex
Posted: 4/22/2009 6:35:00 PM | It is a great way of learning what people are capable of through time. It tests your character by learning to forgive, and might mean maturity if you can control erratic behavior. Chances are you ex is not a evil person but spite and hatred can make them seem that way.
I do not think it is always a good idea. Sometimes it is just healthier to have that person out of your life. | |
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| Why would you want to remain friends with an ex
Posted: 4/22/2009 6:53:57 PM | Because he was what I call my "emotional twin". We truly understood each other, from politics to stupid commercials that would make us cry or laugh until we cried. During the relationship he was by far the best lover I had ever had, and for a short time after we broke up (and after amonth of no contact) that got even better. We broke up because we realized we wanted different things. Him, never married, no children, wanted children of his own. Me, married 17 years with 2 teen+ plus children, was done with that phase of my life. The FWB ended once he wanted to explore other intimate options. The friendship remains now 2 years after. We don't see each other as often but do stay in touch and know that if either one of us needed the other, we would be there. Just no more FWB, simply a true unconditional friendship. | |
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| Why would you want to remain friends with an ex
Posted: 4/22/2009 6:57:51 PM | "Why would you want to remain friends with an ex?"
Unless the "Ex" was not truly a good human being in the sense that
they intentionally inflicted emotional harm on others, why not
transition into friends? Because "NOT IN LOVE" does not mean
you don't treasure the good times and maybe a piece of your
heart will always be with them. Breakups don't always have to
be nasty or harsh. If you just grew apart, hold on to a true friend.
True friends are a rare treasure. | |
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| Why would you want to remain friends with an ex
Posted: 4/22/2009 7:05:23 PM | I've tried to be friends with them, they're someone who was such a part of your life it feels weird not to have them in it, but I've learned over time that doesn't work for me, it just leads to wanting them back.
I think its easier to just cut them out so you can actually get over them. | |
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| Why would you want to remain friends with an ex
Posted: 4/22/2009 7:14:24 PM | There are some that I wouldn't want to remain friends with, wouldn't even cross the street to say hello to and have no respect for, there are select others whom I like as a person and respect enough to still want them as a friend. Not necessarily close enough to be in constant contact with, but still friends nevertheless.
I am still friends with my ex-husband after 9 years of ex-ness. I still care about his happiness and wish the best for him. I know that if I ever needed anything he would be there for me because he's that kind of person. My whole family loved him and he's still considered a member of the family by everyone, including me, even though we aren't together anymore. When you truly love someone I don't think that kind of caring ever really goes away, it just changes form. The form that it takes depends on the reasons for the end of the relationship the way it ended. | |
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| Why would you want to remain friends with an ex
Posted: 4/22/2009 7:27:28 PM | Well regardless of the relationship, isn't always better to leave things on good terms if you can?
Sometimes it will take some time, space and distance but for me, if I truly cared for someone, I would like to think that he thought well of me just as I would want to think well of him. I do remain on good terms with both men of the men that I loved in this life and some others are friends. There are a few, that well it was just better to go our separate ways. I hold no ill will towards them, it's just sometimes things don't work out and maybe that is for the best.
It also has a lot to do with how the relationship ended as another posters wrote, I think if someone was very disrespectful or there was some type of abuse, it is probably best that you go your separate ways. | |
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| Why would you want to remain friends with an ex
Posted: 4/22/2009 7:32:52 PM | It depends on the way things ended, of course. However, especially if you lived together, an ex knows you more deeply than anyone else ever could, and most emotionally healthy people develop a deep friendship as part of a relationship. So, why wouldn't you continue to be friends, especially when that "special knowledge" you have of each other, can bring comfort or encouragement, when it's especially needed.
When a woman I was living with a year and half ago, and I, came to an end, we helped each other move. When she was diagnosed with cancer, there was a rough patch, when she needed someone who knew her deeply, to talk to at times.
The exception, of course, is when the break up was one sided, and the other hasn't resolved his/her feelings. However, it's something of a red flag if someone hasn't ever been able to maintain good feelings towards, and some level of friendship, with any of his/her "ex" girlfriends/boyfriends. | |
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| Why would you want to remain friends with an ex
Posted: 4/22/2009 7:42:46 PM | | everyone wasn't born an ***hole or a **** it was the person that made them that way. Very few X's made it to the friendship zone with me. I'm not very keen on keeping X's as friends. They were an X for a reason. | |
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| Why would you want to remain friends with an ex
Posted: 4/22/2009 8:06:42 PM |
everyone wasn't born an ***hole or a **** it was the person that made them that way. Very few X's made it to the friendship zone with me.
In other words, when something goes wrong, it's always someone else's fault. Additionally, whatever bad behavior you may engage in, that, too, is always someone else's fault?  | |
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| Why would you want to remain friends with an ex
Posted: 4/22/2009 8:53:52 PM | I was waiting for someone to say something >:-D People are responsible for the things they say or do. So whatever bad behavior or things I say I DO take responsibility for it thank you very much. I was just wanted to see what someone would say if after my previous post to pick a beef or something.
BS aside the X's I have very few friends in that category. Some X's I remain friends with and some say goodbye shit happens. | |
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| Why would you want to remain friends with an ex
Posted: 4/22/2009 9:06:58 PM | | I have been divorced for 16 years me and my ex are still best friends.. we couldnt live together but have always had a goos friendship.. heck me my kids her and her husband use to go camping together all the time... Most people I have dated are still good friends.. they were before we jumnp in and stayed so after...I couldnt ask for a better mother for my children.. why do you have to fight?? | |
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| Why would you want to remain friends with an ex
Posted: 4/22/2009 9:21:49 PM | personally i think some people get to attached to someone not so serious about them.
They lt it drag in the wind. Then finally when they want nothing to do with them they say "oh lets be friends".
Basically if you still have feelings you want them around...
((((((news flash))))) let'em go | |
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| Why would you want to remain friends with an ex
Posted: 4/22/2009 9:22:42 PM | | there is no specific reason. i am friends with some of my exes and others want to dismember me. every situation is different. i didnt set out to remain friends with any of them we just continued to talk after things cooled down or we remained at war for life. | |
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| Why would you want to remain friends with an ex
Posted: 4/23/2009 5:57:38 AM | hmmm..I don't really think of it in terms of 'why' would you want to. Of course, the logical answer is...we shared some things...often many things together...whether it was a short union, or a long term commitment, and since we are all in this Life together, and just operating by what we know, flying by the seat of our pants most of the time...it just seems like all would be better to be friendly towards...instead of harboring resentment and fear.
But, there are many complex issues that prevent people from maintaining a friendship with an ex. Most beyond the scope of our true understanding.
I have found that any ex's I keep in touch with, are generally more balanced and self aware, or we are in a place in our lives where we indeed do get it, that situations shift, things change, and nothing ever remains the same. That doesn't mean we were bad people...or flawed. It can be as simple as there were differences that existed that brought the relationship to it's knees.
Often, I have thought....in the early stages, when things were clicking..and we shared a lot of the same laughs and thoughts....'what if'..what if we didn't take it to a level of needing to be lovers. Probably, we would still be great friends with that person. When the heart gets hooked up, the whole playing field changes up.
In short, I would prefer to remain friendly with someone I once cared about in that way....however, it doesn't always work that way, and many of the reasons why are unanswerable and beyond fixing. We can give a hundred reasons why we should still remain friends, but in many cases...it's just not going to happen. And, this is ok...for it really does provide us with a little more insight into the practice of acceptance.
Kimbo***************** | |
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