| Best advice about how someone comes off to others?
Posted: 4/23/2009 12:42:11 PM | I recently went to a singles event with a friend.She had a really hard time connecting with anyone and was disappointed and a little down when we left.
Based on what I saw and heard from her all night I suspect the reason why so few guys wanted to get to know her better was because she came off as bitter/angry and always going on about her ex husband( the marriage was over 7 years ago) and what losers she has dated since her divorce. The other issue was the way she was dressed. She wore old jeans and an over-sized sweatshirt, she looked like a teenage boy about to take his skateboard out for a spin and maybe smoke a joint.
She has asked me for some advice and I am not known for my subtlety. What is the best way to tell her that no one wants to hear about her ex and wear a freaking skirt or a dress sometimes? Is there any good way to tell her? | |
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| Best advice about how someone comes off to others?
Posted: 4/23/2009 12:53:46 PM | I'm sure your friend knows that your aren't known for you subtlety, correct?
Just flat out tell her. This can be done positively and not focus on the negatives.
She will either have a light bulb moment or get defensive and justify it with some nonsense about, "but I want to find someone who will accept me just as I am!"
If it's the first the she was asking a honest question and really wants input to improve her chances. If it's the second then she is one of those that ask questions that she doesn't really want the answer to.
You're her friend, which is closest to your friends personality? I know that I have very few friends in the second category simply because when I am asked I give my unvarnished opinion. They either discontinue being my friend or learn to not ask me questions. | |
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| Best advice about how someone comes off to others?
Posted: 4/23/2009 12:55:06 PM | well, she asked you for your advice, so at least you have that opening...
how about suggesting that you and she go and get your hair 'done' before the next event or make a girls time of it and do each others hair and make up/nails... talk about what you're both going to wear... tell her how pretty she looks in an outfit that suits her, or if she has nothing to wear, lend her something of yours that you know would suit her (offering it to her for that reason) or go shopping together and compliment her when she tries on something attractive
accentuate the positive (isn't that a song somewhere? :D) let her see how lovely she can look
as far as her negativity/bitterness etc. i agree that could well be something that puts people off... maybe show her threads on here about how people are perceived when they are upset all the time (i know there's at least a couple) or when they haven't let go of the past... or just tell her that you've found people respond much better to an upbeat, happy personality and maybe she would have better results if she didn't focus on the hard times she's had
good luck :) | |
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| Best advice about how someone comes off to others?
Posted: 4/23/2009 1:01:33 PM | Since she asked you, the opening is there to help her, and I hope that you take it.
There are many self help books that you could buy for her, and work on her personal attire, hair, make up and all of that which should be a given if mature and dating.
There are other books as well, along with many articles explaining how to put others at ease while getting to know them, along with the do's and don't when it comes to sharing about your past, present, and future.
You can model this for her, and let her view you in full swing at some function, or practicing together at home.
Tell her to do a self check when it comes to her personality and style, and to always remember that it is much more "how" you say things, than it is "what" you say.
Just my opinion.......   | |
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| Best advice about how someone comes off to others?
Posted: 4/23/2009 1:08:46 PM | Go for the positive not negative. Such as- people, not just men, like upbeat positive women that can find humor in situations, people, not just men, don't want to hear about negative past stuff, people, not just men, want to be around people that are pleasant & make them feel good.
When fishing you got to be spinner bait, lots of competition out there. She can have the best personality in the world but guys won't approach her if she looks like she just threw anything on. We wear skirts in my area also, guys like skirts. Time for you to help her do a ward robe change. But if she isn't willing then she just isn't ready to date. Good luck & keep it positive, she is already bitter & doesn't need more excuses to stay that way. | |
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| Best advice about how someone comes off to others?
Posted: 4/23/2009 1:42:49 PM | Abbici, you state that your friend has asked you for advice. I see this being somewhat different from offering feedback which can sound more like a critique of what transpired or what one should have done...etc. I could be wrong! To me if it's advice she's looking give her suggestions as to how the next event could be better for her...move straight to the positive and forget touching on the negative. Frame the advice from your perspective: In your experience guys seem to like it when I dress this way or I seem to get a lot of attention when I do this, or when I'm talking to someone at these types of things, or I don't usually bring up my ex unless they ask me about it...etc...etc.
I agree with the advice given by Prurire and English Lass. It seems that she may have some esteem/confidence, charm/flirtation issues and doesn't understand how to engage in 'light' conversation, or understand the importance of presentation. While she might say that she's ready to get out there from what you write I'm thinking, not so much. Getting a few other positive experiences under her belt might help her have a better result at the next POF event; so why not first take her shopping and then get out to other mixers--not strictly singles events, just social/group events. I'm betting that after a few of these she'll feel much more confident from the exposure and her comfort level as well her interest in how she presents herself will increase. | |
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| Best advice about how someone comes off to others?
Posted: 4/23/2009 1:57:22 PM | When someone asks me for advise I ask them if they want to hear what I believe or what they want to hear. If they want my honesty I mix constructive criticism with examples of their positive attributes.
So you may want to suggest that your friend ask herself if she wants to see a man who doesn't take pride in how he looks, or spends the time bemoaning the ex's he has had and how women are all losers etc. And even ask her to be honest and tell you what she remembers talking about.
And I to am curious if she has ever had therapy to learn how to get beyond the past. We learn from the past, dont hold onto the past.
~Beth~ | |
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| Best advice about how someone comes off to others?
Posted: 4/23/2009 2:14:50 PM | Some good suggestions already. :up:
My favourite:
When someone asks me for advise I ask them if they want to hear what I believe or what they want to hear.
Beth, you sure have some zingers. | |
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| Best advice about how someone comes off to others?
Posted: 4/23/2009 2:40:49 PM | I'm generally a good listener and a little complaining doesn't bother me. After all, everyone here has an ex of some sort to complain about. But, if someone wants to connect with me, the only way she's going to do is to be interested in me and make it very obvious. Otherwise, it doesn't matter what she talks about. I'll tune out people who are just talking for the sake of talking and who show no obvious interest.
M | |
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| Best advice about how someone comes off to others?
Posted: 4/23/2009 2:53:06 PM | I see your point and she is her own worst enemy, but if that is who she is then best that she acts that instead of pretending to be something she's not. Men marry women like her all the time, I know because they then go online and gripe about marrying them, but anyway...if your friend is a into whining and moaning about her life and likes to dress like a teenage boy, why try to fool some guy?
Still I would be honest with her, tell her what you think, but don't expect her to change. Who knows, purposely looking like she does and whining may be her enjoyment in life. Not everyone is 'really' looking for a relationship, some are into the drama of not having one.  | |
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| Best advice about how someone comes off to others?
Posted: 4/23/2009 3:03:00 PM |
tell her that no one wants to hear about her ex and wear a freaking skirt or a dress sometimes?
It has been seven years, I don't think you need to worry about hurting her feelings and she asked and as another mentioned, you are not noted for mincing words so I don't think you need to tread lightly in this case.
Also provide some encouragement about good topics of conversation or ways to answer a question about the ex without turning it into a rant. | |
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| Best advice about how someone comes off to others?
Posted: 4/23/2009 3:05:16 PM | I like mesage number two.
you could always suggest a "Ladies day" (I am having one this Sat)~ movies and hair, nails, facials, massage etc. I love fashion mags for the different hair styles and dress tips. Sometimes we go second hand shopping as a group as well and then hem etc clothing to suit our shapes or trend we like.
this is a low cost, fun filled, feminine embracing way to spend an afternoon.
as to her emotional state, maybe ask her "Are you still angry at him?" if she says no you could let her know that you hear her say this or that about him, and others, and so you thought she was till angry. She may not be aware that she is very focused on the negative, then again, maybe something else is going on for her and she is deflecting it to an old romance...maybe | |
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| Best advice about how someone comes off to others?
Posted: 4/23/2009 3:05:21 PM | What is the best way to tell her that no one wants to hear about her ex and wear a freaking skirt or a dress sometimes? Is there any good way to tell her?
Tell her "No one wants to hear about your ex and wear a freaking skirt or a dress sometimes!"
Is that a "good way to tell her"? ;)
You said you were "not so subtle" .. there it is - 'not so subtle'. | |
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| Best advice about how someone comes off to others?
Posted: 4/23/2009 3:56:55 PM | | Simply suggest that she stop talking about her dead marriage and other men. As far as how she dresses tell her before you go anywhere how she should be appropriately attired. | |
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| Best advice about how someone comes off to others?
Posted: 4/23/2009 3:57:05 PM | The first step, is the one you have to take. And that is, to realize she's most likely not to listen.
Why? B/c she's obviously very comfortable with how she has made herself. All that negativity she aims at men from a long time ago? That's pushing blame onto people long gone. It keeps her from focusing on what SHE is doing, right now. Until she's ready to do that, she isn't going to follow any advice.
The second is her clothing. Unless she doesn't read or watch TV or go to a movie, she knows "Dress to impress" is a phrase that exists. I'm sure she blames others for not accepting her for how she is (sound familiar, nice guys?).
But, hey...she asked for advice. That's b/c she already knows what's up, so she's already prepared for the blow. It'll make you feel better to get it off your chest. She gave you permission...go ahead. What's the worst that can happen? Unless you make it personal, that is. The worst is, 5 years from now, it'll sink in, and she'll take the credit for "discovering" this truth. | |
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toyoux
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Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 18 | |
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| Best advice about how someone comes off to others?
Posted: 4/23/2009 4:06:39 PM | The best way to tell her is to simply TELL her.
If she's your friend and you aren't known for your being real subtle - she knows that, she probably even expects it.
Just don't forget to tell her the positives too. You have a great sense of humor, you know all about XXX - and guys think that's interesting, or whatever her good points are. As for the clothes - point out stuff she's worn that looks good on her and tell her to wear that the next time ya go out.
Friends are supposed to be able to talk to each other. If she's really your friend - you can talk to her. | |
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| Best advice about how someone comes off to others?
Posted: 4/23/2009 5:24:32 PM | | If you're her friend, you should be able to tell her straight up to her face. Don't sugar coat it. Be honest, cruel if you must and let her know how inappropriate her behavior was. Heck, why don't you just read her your original post because I think that in itself will be her wake up call. She has to hear it from someone. It's better it be you than someone off the street. | |
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