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 jesseas22003
Joined: 4/12/2009
Msg: 1
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On dating a Bipolar woman...Page 1 of 1    
I've recently begun dating a young, physically large woman with bipolar disorder who is ten years younger than me. I am extremely attracted to her, both physically and in her personality. We have already been slightly physically intimate as well. We also both have Asperger's Syndroms to some slight degree, which means that we don't like being made fun of and we both need to be directly spoken to. My date is on a treatment plan for her bipolar disorder, and one of her "trigger" points is when someone makes fun of her, is mean to her, or gives her constructive criticism which she doesn't easily take.

I've noticed that she doesn't take any effort in her appearance, how she dresses, or how she looks. Her hair is often disheveled and she wears sweats and a shirt smock for complete comfort--which is perfectly understandable. However, there is a part of me that wishes that she would wear makeup, a little perfume, and some jewelry. She told me that when she meets my family for the first time, she will put more effort into her appearance. She wants to date someone who won't care how she looks.

How do I tell someone with Bipolar disorder that I really like that I'd be even more attracted to her if she put a little more effort into her appearance--without triggering her disorder or ruffling feathers that could affect the possibility of a long-term relationship?
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 2
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On dating a Bipolar woman...
Posted: 4/24/2009 1:31:51 PM
Jesse, you have an interesting combination in your gf...

Perhaps part of this gals lack of interest in herself is her Asperger's syndrom??? As well the meds that she is on, could cause a LOT of tiredness, and just a lethargic response to the world, especially IF she doesn't work...

How about TREATING her to a make over... Which would mean a bit of money, but look around and ask at the spendy make up counters if they did make overs... Take her to get her hair done...

Instead of telling her that she looks like crap, and you'd like to see her look a bit better... Tell her you want her to feel like a princess, and that it would be nice from time to see her in her "princess" look...

Help her get some style going...This is a bit spendy, cause some times it takes taking that person out, but once a gal feels beautiful, and her man shows her HOW HAPPY he is that she is looking so pretty. She just may want to do that more often...

I don't see her Bi polar being the reason for her NOT dressing up, but that is something a psychiatrist would have to say... Some people just don't care about dressing to impress...
 jesseas22003
Joined: 4/12/2009
Msg: 3
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On dating a Bipolar woman...
Posted: 4/24/2009 1:35:15 PM
Well, we're getting together and tomorrow is her birthday. We've only been on two dates so far but plan to spend the entire day together. I am currently unemployed and so she's mentioned to me that she wants me to save my money. Also, if I were to get her a salon, massage, or manicure gift, wouldn't that send her a subtle message she would get that she's not pretty as she is?
 talista
Joined: 10/11/2006
Msg: 4
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On dating a Bipolar woman...
Posted: 4/24/2009 1:56:39 PM
Looking good costs money. All of the things that you mentioned cost money. That is if she doesn't already have them. Perfume, jewellery, make-up, and nice clothes.

If you want her to wear jewellery perhaps you should get her some for her birthday as something sentimental that she can wear all the time. Something that is not going to get in the way/not to dangly or fragile.

Some women are just not into the girlie stuff, and there just isn't anything you can do to change that. Your girlfriend sounds to be like that. My sister is like that as well. She is one of those people that you have to force into a dress for a special occasion. Set in her ways. Although my sister has a stable income and chooses to spend her money on trips and sports equipment. While she can afford a dress, if she has to wear one she will borrow one from my closet for the hour and then give it back because she knows she will never use it again before it goes out of style. She will never change.

If you like women who are feminine and like to dress up, you should get one who enjoys that. Being femine costs a lot of money, takes time, and it is a lifestyle choice. This means that is money that would take from things that she would rather do. As the two of you need that money for medication/treatment, and do not have income at the moment and she has a condition that would be upset by the suggestion of your not being happy with her the way she is... it would be better for you to not say anything unless you are prepared to pay for the change.

edit: I just saw that part about you ONLY having had been on TWO dates previously with this girl. How well do you know her? If you are unemployed, I agree with the girl; you should save money and just spend the day with her on date three for her birthday. You may break up in a month, and you would have blown your savings on a day at the spa to make her look better for you and hurt her feelings hence wreck the relationship.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 5
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On dating a Bipolar woman...
Posted: 4/24/2009 2:00:55 PM
I would tell her it was a special treat for your special princess... Unless she hates having anyone treat her well, and with love and the desire to help her feel that "Polished" feeling...

I polish up really well, however I don't always wear make up, and some days my hair looks rather messy... However if my guy gave me a salon treatment, I wouldn't complain...

She may be to sensitive if she were to take your sweet gesture as saying she wasn't pretty enough...
 HenXX
Joined: 3/2/2009
Msg: 6
On dating a Bipolar woman...
Posted: 4/24/2009 2:11:18 PM
If i were you i would wait until you get to know her a lot better.It is possible that as her confidence grows in a relationship,so will her confidence grow in the way she looks.Tell her what is attractive about her,both in personality and looks and this may well open her mind up to wanting to make the most of her looks.At the end of the day,its got to be how she feels comfortable.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 7
On dating a Bipolar woman...
Posted: 4/24/2009 2:16:19 PM
Kudos to you, OP, for dating someone who has bipolar disease. That runs in my family. Fortunately for me, it's not something I have to deal with.

If she wants people to accept the way she looks, then she just might not accept you trying to get her to make a few changes in her appearance.

I guess it all depends, on how she feels about you.

Good luck to you.
 ikilledsourpus
Joined: 4/18/2009
Msg: 8
On dating a Bipolar woman...
Posted: 4/24/2009 2:33:30 PM
So, you're dating a large bi-polar woman with a slight case of Asperger's syndrome?

I have no advice for you.
 brown_eyed_woman
Joined: 8/31/2008
Msg: 9
On dating a Bipolar woman...
Posted: 4/24/2009 3:36:21 PM
No offense, but you've had 2 dates and are already wanting to change her appearance, if only a little...that is not good.

She is who she is. Your two options are acceptance, or not acceptance.
 meljk
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 10
On dating a Bipolar woman...
Posted: 4/24/2009 3:38:17 PM
I'd tell her to shape up or ship out ... just my view
 James Bottomtooth III
Joined: 5/19/2008
Msg: 11
On dating a Bipolar woman...
Posted: 4/24/2009 3:54:04 PM

I've recently begun dating a young, physically large woman with bipolar disorder who is ten years younger than me....

...I've noticed that she doesn't take any effort in her appearance, how she dresses, or how she looks. Her hair is often disheveled and she wears sweats and a shirt smock for complete comfort--which is perfectly understandable....


Problem I see here is that you do not only have issues with the way she dresses but also her weight. I say that because there is no other reason for you to bring it up. The fact that you mentioned it either consciously or subconsciously sends up a big red flag.

So if this bothers you then do not date her.

When you are going through your check list of what is your ideal mate if you come across something that is not a fit in any of the categories then the right thing to do to walk away.

Trying to change someone, that is so young (20) and that has metal issues is not fair to that individual and if just a recipe for failure IMO.
 talista
Joined: 10/11/2006
Msg: 12
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On dating a Bipolar woman...
Posted: 4/24/2009 9:35:46 PM
When you are going through your check list of what is your ideal mate if you come across something that is not a fit in any of the categories then the right thing to do to walk away.


I didn't want to say that in my post, but this is true. Do keep in mind that some people can afford to be pickier than others with physical attributes depending on what they have to offer in return in terms of compatibility, financial security, their own physical attributes/health, mental stability, personality, intellect/education etc.

So while it is easy for some people to judge on the sidelines and say let her go because she is not perfect and does not meet all 100 of your tick boxes on the preferred criteria list. But if OP did not win the genetic lottery, and is unemployed; most women that the OP would IDEALLY be interested in might not necessarily be interested in the OP.
 LakeCountyGal
Joined: 9/4/2008
Msg: 13
On dating a Bipolar woman...
Posted: 4/24/2009 9:54:48 PM
Well, one of the main symptoms of bipolar disorder is depression. (I have it myself) And unfortunately, depression can make your appearance suffer because you don't "care" about what you look like when you're depressed. It's really up to her. You could "gently" encourage her, but she needs to know that you're into her, for her, and not her appearance. If she feels you are truly into her, then that might help build her confidence over time, and she will work on it. But don't "push" it.

Women in general are sensitive about their appearance, so if you bring it up too much, that will just feed her already existing insecurities. Also realize, that makeup, and things of that nature can be quite expensive. Some women simply can't afford to "look good" all the time. It is an added expense that she may just not want to add to her life. Honestly, taking care of her mental health, should be her priority not her appearance at this time. If her mental health is in good shape, that alone can help improve her appearance over time if she's feeling better overall.

But if you like her, don't "pester" her about it. Just accept her as she is (I'm assuming she just accepts you as you are and doesn't mention your appearance for example). She just needs to know that you'll be there for her, no matter what she looks like. You'd be amazed at how some simple emotional support from a man, does wonders for our self esteem and over time, that may translate into her working on her overall appearance. But don't nag her about it. Be gentle, very gentle, or just let it go for now.

We only "dress" up when we're truly ready...and she's not ready yet.
 OSGF
Joined: 12/14/2008
Msg: 14
On dating a Bipolar woman...
Posted: 4/24/2009 9:55:24 PM

I am extremely attracted to her, both physically and in her personality.



I'd be even more attracted to her if she put a little more effort into her appearance

Well, you have only been out a few times with her. You say that you like her as is. You can't change anyone. You either like her as is or not. Maybe she will put more effort in her appearance later in the relationship, but it's doubtful. People usually show their best side in the beginning. So, you have to decide if who she is today is enough? If not, find someone else.
 rune3
Joined: 7/13/2006
Msg: 15
On dating a Bipolar woman...
Posted: 4/24/2009 10:30:46 PM
^^ I agree with Christy.

I think that you need to either accept her as she is or not. If dressing up or down is going to make a big difference to your feelings for her then perhaps she's not the one for you.

You admit in your profile that you have never had any female friends nor have you ever been in a relationship. Maybe you need to relate to this woman exactly as she is and get to know who she is rather than trying to impose some unrealistic media-influenced nonsense upon her.

I think it would be extremely unfair of you to try to influence a very much younger and very vulnerable woman into behaving in ways that would only be to please you and that don't match her beliefs. Your profile combined with message made me feel quite concerned for this girl: it's clear from your profile that your lack of sexual experience has led you to put a huge emphasis on this and I feel that you have targeted this girl simply because she's the first one who shows any sign of accepting you as you are. How about doing her the same favour?

It concerns me that you have targeted someone so much younger than you, who also has mental health problems, and that you are trying to learn how to manipulate her into being the imaginary women of your sexual fantasies. I think she would be better off remaining single until she meets a man who is able to adore her without wanting her to get into superficial consumerism and presentational artifices. That stuff has its uses in short-cutting to a good impression but the human being who loves another human being should not, to my mind, be influenced by paint or baubles. If she needs make-up to be more attractive to you, you should do her a favour and leave her alone. The last thing a young bipolar person needs is to think they are in a loving relationship and discover that the person they are with does not feel much for them at all but just couldn't find anyone else (which sounds like your only reason for being with her). Stuff like that can tip a young bipolar person over the edge.
 Quazi 100
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 16
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On dating a Bipolar woman...
Posted: 4/25/2009 12:40:38 AM

I've noticed that she doesn't take any effort in her appearance, how she dresses, or how she looks. Her hair is often disheveled and she wears sweats and a shirt smock for complete comfort--which is perfectly understandable. However, there is a part of me that wishes that she would wear makeup, a little perfume, and some jewelry. She told me that when she meets my family for the first time, she will put more effort into her appearance. She wants to date someone who won't care how she looks.

How do I tell someone with Bipolar disorder that I really like that I'd be even more attracted to her if she put a little more effort into her appearance--without triggering her disorder or ruffling feathers that could affect the possibility of a long-term relationship?


This is a very delicate subject....

I am bipolarII, but I don't have Asperger's, that I know of....(without prejudice)...

I am going to do some assuming here...

I'm assuming that this woman doesn't have alot of control over her life. People/illness/things, control her life more than she does.
She has control over the way she dresses, appears, how she looks. I have a feeling that this could be a huge sticking point with her.

I will also assume that she isn't a very "social" person, and doesn't have much use for "style" at the moment.

I will also assume, that if she does in fact meet your family, that she will put more effort into her appearance, as promised. I'll assume that if you make the effort to invite her to meet your family, she will make the effort to try to make a good first impression with your family. This effort may not be up to your expectations, depending on her financial situation....but if her effort in personal grooming is largely noticeable, this is a good start.

I wouldn't mention her appearance to her again. I think it would have the opposite effect, to what you want....she could dig her heels in, and continue to rebel.

I read your profile, and I can see that you have a very "romantic" vision of love. You have also asked for patience, and unconditional acceptance.

I believe that you will get, what you give........
 KISS MY A$$
Joined: 9/6/2008
Msg: 17
On dating a Bipolar woman...
Posted: 4/25/2009 4:11:32 AM
You don't tell her how to dress. She already told you she doesn't put a lot of effort into it. That's her. Have acceptance for who she is or move over. She accepts you for who you are.

I don't care if she has bi-polar or tri-polar or multi maxi ultra -polar. How she chooses to present herself has nothing to do with it. I know bi-polar woman and they don't have a hair out of place.

You already have told her you want her to dress up, obviously with the conversation about meeting your family. Who are you trying to kid. You have had this argument.
Your just trying to get us to give you a better angle to win. Forget it. Your not gonna win. She is who she is.
 talista
Joined: 10/11/2006
Msg: 18
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On dating a Bipolar woman...
Posted: 4/25/2009 8:51:37 AM

I don't care if she has bi-polar or tri-polar or multi maxi ultra -polar. How she chooses to present herself has nothing to do with it. I know bi-polar woman and they don't have a hair out of place.


It is a condition that has it's ups and downs quite literally. I have a close friend who is bipolar as well. She is remarkably talented, charming and attractive. Even when she is depressed she is well dressed for the average person. If you didn't know her she would be just like everyone else. When she is up she literally takes 5 hours to coiffe before leaving her vanity and looks like she is a Kardashian.

It sounds like your girlfriend is depressed but likely doesn't care as much as some others may about her outward physical appearance in general. Asking her to care more about her looks when this isn't something that is important to her won't make things any better for either of you.

Like others have said, perhaps it is the one thing she has control over, and it costs money to look good; but also maybe she has so many mental health issues/medications and side effects/doctor's appointments and other life stressors she just cannot handle keeping up with fashion trends so it is easier to say that she doesn't care and dismiss it all together. Some people with mental health problems are just not at a place at certain times to take criticism or extra stress that seems the social norm.

This would be like her telling you to get a six pack because it would make you more attractive to her, when you have clearly stated in your profile that you are overweight and comfortable with your body...and that you want someone who can accept that.
 captperry
Joined: 9/1/2008
Msg: 19
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On dating a Bipolar woman...
Posted: 4/25/2009 2:49:47 PM
Man, you are opening yourself up for a lot of pain. I have been seeing a woman 36, 5'7" 125#, and drop dead gorgeous, for over a year. She she bi-polar schizophrenic, and married. I love her, when she is sober, and focused, about 20% of the time. She hates her meds, because they make her a zombi, and they do, but when off she becomes this incredible party girl. Don't get me wrong, I'm on here to find a real woman, but I do love T, but it is a dead end street. As of now I am very afraid, she left my house this morning at about 4 to go meet a black man that I know, and know to be a bad man. Her phone was on untill about 8, and been off all day, I am very afraid for her, .....That is Bi-Polar....will, is she ok ..??? Hi powered stuf, not to be taken lightly..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 bella4908
Joined: 8/21/2006
Msg: 20
On dating a Bipolar woman...
Posted: 4/25/2009 6:01:38 PM
The real question is why would you wanna be with a slob? Dang!
 simplywhatever
Joined: 5/16/2007
Msg: 21
On dating a Bipolar woman...
Posted: 4/25/2009 6:25:15 PM
Im not judging her or you when I say this, but for me a truly happy relationship is where you will feel comfortable enough to say anything, good or bad to the person you are with. obviously the bad is said with respect, So my biggest problem with this new relationship is the fact that you already feel like you need to tip toe around what you say or do or think around her. sooner or later that feeling of always being anxious and uncomfortable is going cause you to snap.
No one is perfect and part of being in a relationship is about accepting someones faults....but it also means bringing out the best in someone, and in my opinion, I dont see her bringing out the best in you and shes not going to let you bring out the best in her.
But if you are really willing to give it a shot...my suggestion is, if and when she does meet your parents, and if she keeps her word of making the extra effort, then compliment her on the effort, let her know how much you appreciated it and how much more attracted to her you are. make her feel special for making the effort, and hopefully it will give her the ambition to want those compliments more often
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