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| why am I so angry?
Posted: 4/26/2009 8:13:19 AM | A little background on the situation is required to understand why I am asking this. My wife and I were married for 10 years. During that time she cheated on me at least 3 times and one of those ended in a pregnancy. In order for us to move on, I told her the only option for me would be if she didn't keep the child, she chose to give the child up for adoption 4 years ago. Then we seemed to be doing ok, not great but ok for the last 4 years and then shortly after our 10th anniversary she advised me that she had another apartment and I wasn't moving with her. It seems that she hasn't been "in love" with me for the last 4 years though she still "loves" me. I was angry at first and confused and I hated her for destroying my life (she didn't do anything of the sort). I know she wasn't cheating on me when she left, she had just got to a point where she was secure with her job and felt she could leave and be comfortable.
When she left me, I told her there was no turning back and sure enough the first day she was gone she called and implied she wanted to come back, I told her I couldn't do that with good conscience. After a month I was getting comfortable with the fact that she was gone and I was beginning to move forward a little. Then she dropped the bombshell on me that she was dating again, not only that but he's a 19 year old kid that had been hanging around her store. She explained that while I only knew about our ending marriage for a month, she had known for a year. On a couple of occassions she's had him do things that I consider to be my duty to my children (ie. check in on them when she had to leave early in the morning and also to take my son to get shoes for a school play). She swears she just didn't think about it as a father's duty, but I've made it very clear I don't want a kid only 6 years older than my son hanging around my kids playing Daddy. I trust that it didn't occur to her, but I find myself fuming over this anyway.
However, now I've been making threats, I've told her that if he looks at me again I'll knock the eyeballs straight out of his head, I've also said that if he goes near my kids again one of us will be in the hospital and the other in jail. I'm not this kind of person, I don't normally react this way, but I am seriously angry at this guy. I overheard him on the phone with her yesterday when she said " he's dropping off the kids" he replied "yaaaay", I yelled out "tell that jackass I feel the same way about him". The problem is I acted this way in front of my kids, I don't want her back, why am I so mad? What can I do to move on? It's only been 4 months since we've broken up, I'm not sure if I can go on like this, all this anger is making me sick. | |
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MizAnj
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Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 2 | |
| why am I so angry?
Posted: 4/26/2009 9:40:36 AM | I would suggest counseling. You are angry because all your hopes and dreams went down the tube in one big whoosh. You put in a lot of energy and time and the result after all that was the same. You hurt for what was and what you thought could have been among other reasons. You kept going back and expecting a different result. There is a reason for that and counseling can help you sort that out as well.
You need to be the rock for your children right now while she is playing house with some young dude. You need to be the one to provide them stability and you can't do that while sitting in jail for beating up some dumb kid. He is not worth it. Your children are worth it and you are worth it and you need to get help in dealing with your incredible feelings of loss.
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| why am I so angry?
Posted: 4/26/2009 9:56:04 AM | | i feel your angry as you feel you failed your children but you havent i was in the similar situation and now im happier she was the one who gave up and will have to live with that try and accept that she has someone and he wont be there for long as he is only young try and get out more and meet people i can promise you she will play all sorts of games with you if she can see that your hurt she is the loser not you good luck mate and hopefully you will find happiness | |
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| why am I so angry?
Posted: 4/26/2009 11:04:57 AM | Sorry to sound like I'm judging, but...
1) It clearly wasn't meant to be with you two.
2) It sounds like you got married too young and she for sure was NOT ready.
This is going to take professional therapy. Get off POF and go see a psychologist.
You need to leave her behind, throw all that baggage out the window...and drive full throttle into your future, without looking back. | |
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| why am I so angry?
Posted: 4/26/2009 11:32:51 AM |
My wife and I were married for 10 years. During that time she cheated on me at least 3 times and one of those ended in a pregnancy. In order for us to move on, I told her the only option for me would be if she didn't keep the child, she chose to give the child up for adoption 4 years ago........
The question here at hand, why did you stay with her????? You would have been a whole lot better off kicking her to the curb. - I'll bet you had a really fun time explaining to your friends and family about this baby that wasn't yours. - and a whole lot of humiliation to boot.
.......shortly after our 10th anniversary she advised me that she had another apartment and I wasn't moving with her. It seems that she hasn't been "in love" with me for the last 4 years though she still "loves" me. I was angry at first and confused and I hated her for destroying my life (she didn't do anything of the sort). I know she wasn't cheating on me when she left, she had just got to a point where she was secure with her job and felt she could leave and be comfortable...........
well, good for her. At least you won't be paying her any alimony. - just child support if applicable. - that is if you may not have to pay if you wind up with the kids.
......When she left me, I told her there was no turning back and sure enough the first day she was gone she called and implied she wanted to come back, I told her I couldn't do that with good conscience. After a month I was getting comfortable with the fact that she was gone and I was beginning to move forward a little. Then she dropped the bombshell on me that she was dating again, not only that but he's a 19 year old kid that had been hanging around her store. She explained that while I only knew about our ending marriage for a month, she had known for a year.....
About time you told her the door doesn't swing both ways. - Yeah, I understand she is playing house with a little boy toy who has raging hormones and wants to get laid everynight. More power to her. - I'd be willing to be she WAS actually f*cking around with him before she moved out. - not too hard to figure that one out.
My ex did the same bullshit, as well. - And it didn't happen as quickly for me as it did you, but he tried to come crawling back. - - He left me for a welfare whore who is 10 years younger than both of us - she has 3 different kids and doesn't know who the fathers are of these said children and is on every welfare program known to man that you and I pay for out of our hard-earned checks every week. - They moved in together and my ex was basically playing house/daddy, etc. and a few months later she moved out. - I guess she picked a fight with him and stomped off.
-When my ex tried to come crawling back and I basically laughed in his face and advised him that he made his bed and he could lie in what was left of it. But the kicker in all of it is he thinks I don't know that he cheated and lied, but I do. and yes, he had planned on leaving me for a year or more - told all of his family and friends, etc. and I of course, was the last to know.
.......However, now I've been making threats, I've told her that if he looks at me again I'll knock the eyeballs straight out of his head, I've also said that if he goes near my kids again one of us will be in the hospital and the other in jail. I'm not this kind of person, I don't normally react this way, but I am seriously angry at this guy. I overheard him on the phone with her yesterday when she said " he's dropping off the kids" he replied "yaaaay", I yelled out "tell that jackass I feel the same way about him". The problem is I acted this way in front of my kids, I don't want her back, why am I so mad? What can I do to move on? It's only been 4 months since we've broken up, I'm not sure if I can go on like this, all this anger is making me sick........
Well, you can't control what she does in her new home and her new life. If your children are safe, then that's the main thing. - She doesnt have to have any moral terpitude to have her kids with her. - In other words, she can have the kids over and be giving head to 7 men while the kids are in the house and it won't matter. - You would have to go a long long long way within the court system to prove her an unfit mother and/or get a restraining order against the young punk she is screwing. - have documentation up the a$$ and who knows, - you probably won't get too far.
My advice: get some counseling and head to divorce care class. My friend attended it and got SO MUCH out of it. - It is for those who are either contemplating, actually going through, or who have completed the divorce process. It is a Christian-faith based DVD - open floor format that deals with subjects of dealing with your feelings, anger, the legal system, your ex, kids, making new friendships, finances, etc. The website for this is: http://www.divorcecare.org. It is a very resourceful website and also offers daily uplifting emails and also a group finder. - just plug in your ZIP code and hopefully a group will be near you. - Run - don't walk to it.
As far as making any more threats: - DON'T!!!!!!! those probably can be used against you and knowing what I know about people, she may be recording your conversations. Document everything - all interactions, etc. - all of it. You have kids involved and you need to set a good example for them. - I know it's hard, and you feel very very alone, but they really really need you and don't need two parents who are instable. - Be the stable one!
Any further interaction you have with her in reference to anything, keep it short, simple and very businesslike. Treat her as if you were talking with a co-worker, banker, accountant, etc. Don't linger on the phone or in person with her. I know it's difficult and awkward at first, but in time, it will be like a second nature to you.
Don't let that young punk get to you. - and for God's sake, don't do those things in front of your kids. - Basically, your ex and her little raging boytoy are trying to push your buttons. - don't let them see you sweat or angry.
I understand your anger as I have been there myself. - You put your whole heart, soul, and self into the marriage an she went off and screwed around who knows how many times and had a child to boot. Again, I am very suprised you didn't kick her to the curb earlier. You have every right to feel the way you do.
Now is the time to get yourself together. Establish a routine, child care, caring for yourself, etc. - Surround yourself with those who will be supportive and trustworthy of your situation. Don't try to date. Better yet, get a new change of scene. - best thing I ever did for myself after my ex walked out was to get involved. - I joined a bowling league, a book club, and I now volunteer at a wonderful museum. In doing these things, it not only got me out of the house 2-3 nights each week, but it gave me something positive and constructive to look forward to. - I also made some great new friends in the process. - No I did not to try find someone special - I did it to broaden my circle and horizons a bit. - and it paid in spades for me.
Take some time out for yourself and take care of you.
A good resource that may be helpful to you:
The Divorce Recovery Sourcebook. by Dawn Bradley Berry. It may have a copyright of 1998 but this source proved invaluable to my friend who was going through her divorce. Go to Barnes and Noble and get a copy. - and read it.
If you need some support as a friend, feel free to drop me a private email. OP, I understand what you are going through. | |
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| why am I so angry?
Posted: 4/26/2009 11:46:31 AM | | Thank you all for your comments. I am seeing a therapist, but haven't had an appointment in a month. As for being here, I did that out of advice from a friend, I haven't even attempted to date, let alone talk to another woman. I know the way I've been acting is wrong and that's why I thought I'd vent here. Once again thank you. | |
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| why am I so angry?
Posted: 4/26/2009 11:54:21 AM | You know how little children have a hard time sharing? They begin to accept that sharing is a part of life when they understand that the thing they're sharing is theirs and will come back to them.
The young man in your childrens' lives is there for now--you are there forever.
Continue to be the man you have been to your children--the threats you make indicate your insecurity, which is abundantly understandable.
Your children are yours--they should never be put in the position of having to defend you to their mother's 'for-now' hook up.
Namaste. | |
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| why am I so angry?
Posted: 4/26/2009 1:24:44 PM | There is so much here to comment on it would take me way too long to cut / paste you're quotes and respond so I"m going to give it to you simple and plain, and go from there.
Why the hell did you let that (I would say somthing but I don't want to be disrespectful to you), woman take advantage of you like that? I can fully understand things were rocky, and she cheated once, but 3 times? You should have kicked her to the curve, filed for divorce (due to her cheating), kept the kids, and you would be in a position of strength, instead now you screwed.
As for mr. **** face trying to play daddy with your kids, unfortunately there's nothing you can do if she's not living under the same roof as you, if she is, then let the police handle it, he shouldn't be coming around your home picking up your children to do anything. He is not their legal guardian.
Try to get some form of custody you have more of a say, in regards to you're childrens activities, etc.... Otherwise as usual, you (the man) will be perceived as the trouble maker and her (the woman) the angel.
Don't take no shit from nobody dude, but try your best to be civilized and find out what your rights are, and never allow a woman to ever take advantage of you like this again. | |
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| why am I so angry?
Posted: 4/26/2009 1:27:02 PM | sonofabiscuit2, I can fully empathize with your feelings of anger and frustration. Your wife's behavior and conduct in the way she handled this entire affair is off the wall. That being said it is important to keep in mind that this young guy is not the issue, regardless of his attitude, but is your former wife's fault due to her setting up a scenario that has resulted in this unsavory situation.
The best way to deal with this woman, unless it is a relevant issue concerning your kids, is to not deal with her and to make it clear that any future contact must be through your attorney. In short, she is to be treated as a pariah and at arms distance. I am fairly certain, although not absolute, that her "relationship" with this young kid will fail and that you may be hearing from her again possibly attempting to reconcile with you. However, you are on the right course by keeping the door closed, not allowing her to re-enter and moving on. A person such as she will most likely repeat this type of acting-out behavior. Best of luck. | |
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| why am I so angry?
Posted: 4/26/2009 4:48:38 PM | | To answer the question of why I stayed as long as I did, there are many reasons, most of these I determined after talking with a therapist. The main reason I found is that I had told myself that divorce meant I had failed. The reality is by not divorcing her, I had just caused more issues for both of us. | |
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| why am I so angry?
Posted: 4/26/2009 5:26:51 PM | | You do not have to explain or rationalize why you stayed as long as you did because there are no timeframes for when we are supposed to get out of a dysfunctional, abusive relationship. We move on when we are ready NOT based on others' beliefs of when we should. | |
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| why am I so angry?
Posted: 4/26/2009 5:28:36 PM |
To answer the question of why I stayed as long as I did, there are many reasons, most of these I determined after talking with a therapist. The main reason I found is that I had told myself that divorce meant I had failed. The reality is by not divorcing her, I had just caused more issues for both of us........
OP, unfortunately in this society, divorced is looked as failure. It's almost like a badge of dishonor. Or a tattoo across your forehead.
You didn't fail your wife. - You tried to work it out. She didn't meet you even a quarter of the way and failed you. - She was too busy screwing around with half the town.
You tried your best and it didn't work out. It's all anyone can ask for. Take care of you and your kids now. It's your turn to figure out what is best for your children and also to find yourself. Divorce is an opportunity to become single again. Take the opportunity and don't look back. | |
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| why am I so angry?
Posted: 4/26/2009 8:23:36 PM | To answer the question of why I stayed as long as I did, there are many reasons, most of these I determined after talking with a therapist.
Get another therapist. Or none at all. Common sense will always prevail in the end. In any case move on, don't put yourself in a hole, be the best father you can be in this type of situation, and ignore the ex wife. She's someone elses problem now, and most likely for the idiot that's with her now, she'll do the same to him.
I'm really curious though what would be the female perspective on this whole topic considering they would have quite a bit to say if the tables were turned and it was a man who did all the cheating.
Hmmm... perhaps the secret it out, "women cheat too".
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| why am I so angry?
Posted: 4/27/2009 4:56:13 AM |
I'm really curious though what would be the female perspective on this whole topic considering they would have quite a bit to say if the tables were turned and it was a man who did all the cheating.
Hmmm... perhaps the secret it out, "women cheat too".........
I never thought that women don't cheat. - Yes I AM a woman and no, I DON'T cheat.
While cheating, game playing, etc are NOT gender specific, it does make it more difficult for those of us who do not participate in those types of behaviors to truly find someone with good motives at heart.
But that is a whole other thread. | |
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| why am I so angry?
Posted: 4/27/2009 5:31:11 AM | You have many reasons to be angry but I think you should shoulder some of the blame. I don't know your ex but I do believe she would tell another tale. Certainly infidelity is not acceptable but having her give her child up for adoption....that's tough!
Anyway this is your past and you need to find a way to understand it (so you won't repeat the same mistake) and move on. I'm glad you will be getting therapy. May I suggest you ask your therapist about different types of therapy. Simple psychoanalysis does not always address the real problems or effect change in behavior. Personally I think it's effectiveness is limited and partly responsible for why so many people think therapy is a waste (the other part being the therapist).
Lastly, anger is one way to get nowhere fast...been there, done that. Your actions now (and your ex) will have a profound effect on your children. You are their role models. Always remember your love for them before you respond to your ex. | |
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| why am I so angry?
Posted: 4/27/2009 8:49:06 AM | Sounds like you feel angry because you are being continually being hurt by and reminded of your wife's lack of honesty and her infidelity with you, or lack of a true commitment to you. This has to be very confusing, frustrating, and hurtful for you. Love and trust are two of the major foundations of a good marriage and it doesn’t sound like you have the security of these in your relationship. If she is having affairs and children with other men, then it may be ? sign that she may not love you and that she is keeping the both of you confused and living in turmoil with her inability to chose and commit herself to you. You also need to think about what is good and healthy for yourself too, so you do not continue living your life in upset and tension by allowing her to come and go in your life without knowing for sure what you can really expect of her. In the meantime, she could contaminate herself or you with one of the numerous and devastating STDs that are circulating in society.
But, it sounds like the problem is really about her and not you. If she doesn't love you, she should be forthright with you about it and she should also have the compunction and compassion to stop setting you up for more hurt by allowing you to believe anything otherwise. It sounds like she has low self-esteem and is seeking the love and attention of others to validate her and to make her feel acceptable in other’s view. Maybe, she somehow has assumed that she is no longer beautiful or desirable. But, she is really only allowing herself to also be hurt more too because it does not sound like these other people are really committing to her either. This is why she keeps wanting to come back to you. She may need to learn to truly know herself and to accept herself so she will be secure with herself and no longer look to others for this sort of validation. Good counseling with a good counselor can help find the root cause of her behavior, to help her feel secure and valuable to and within herself, and to help her understand what she really wants and what is best for her and you would be helpful and healing for the both of you. Once both of you realize and understand what is at the root of her behavior, you may then be able to forgive each other and accept reality for what it truly is and feel relieved. This would give the both of you some sort of resolution, understanding, and closure and help you to move on in your lives together or apart. Both of you may then feel more at peace with yourselves and each other once you get beyond the blaming and accusing and come to realize this is likely not completely about personal failures in your relationship. These are only complicating and obscuring the real cause of the problem. There is likely some sort of human error in thinking or perception from some past experiences or conditionings that are really driving this situation, and not the additional and personal emotions that both you are experiencing and trying to rationalize as an added consequence of this predicament.
Anger also will not work for either of you because aggression will repel people from you and cause you to be more isolated. This will not bring you the love, good reputation, help, support, and peace that you probably really want for yourselves and need in your lives. Your situation needs to identify the realities that are really driving this problem so you can understand and accept them for what they really are and be at peace with yourselves, and so you can also enjoy a much happier and healthier lifestyle. Wish you and her best of luck and God bless both of you. | |
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| why am I so angry?
Posted: 4/27/2009 8:34:33 PM | Wow.
Your wife sounds like a slut from hell. The sad part is, being in Texas and all, and you being a Christian yourself, she probably identifies herself as a Christian also. Yet she acts this way...
You're a way more forgiving man than I am. If it were me, the beyotch would at least be out the door, if not in her grave. | |
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| why am I so angry?
Posted: 4/28/2009 8:19:47 AM | | It sounds like she has gone through some changes and doesn't quite know what to do with herself yet. People change, and often they do it without us. All you can do is love yourself, step-aside, and find your own path. | |
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| why am I so angry?
Posted: 4/28/2009 11:46:12 AM | Dude you really need to get a grip!
I realize she's a horrible woman I got that and agree, but how you're behaving is a total mind fcuk. Stop it! You're being foolish and looking rediculous in front of your children.
Do what ever you need to do but move on.
Get yourself a hottie I don't care what - but freaking DO something!'
You can't be pissed off at the 19 year old because your ex is a slut.
She's also your kids mom so you can't say and do these things either.
It's nobody's fault but the dumb woman - so blame it on her, stop being pissed because you should be counting your blessings she is someone else's problem and start being a good dad to your kids.
Yuck. | |
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| why am I so angry?
Posted: 4/28/2009 12:44:58 PM | | I realize everything you say is right on GoneSailinBabe. My problem wasn't that I want the ex back, I'm not the angry type and I wasn't sure what the heck was going on. I took some advice and spoke with my therapist over the phone and I realize now my problem was that I felt the 19 year old was encroaching on my family (read kids). I don't want my kids to see me in this state and so I'm working on it. I am ready to start being happy, so I've decided to let it go. | |
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| why am I so angry?
Posted: 4/28/2009 5:16:32 PM | Try reverse psychology.This kid is there for one reason for a piece ass.Use your imagination. Start treating him better then start asking for small favors.Like taking the kids for an ice cream and give him some money.Treat him like a kid and he may get feed up with the both of you.  | |
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| why am I so angry?
Posted: 4/28/2009 6:42:54 PM |
Try reverse psychology.This kid is there for one reason for a piece ass.Use your imagination. Start treating him better then start asking for small favors.Like taking the kids for an ice cream and give him some money.Treat him like a kid and he may get feed up with the both of you.
OMG I haven't laughed so hard in so long. Thanks. | |
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| why am I so angry?
Posted: 10/16/2009 9:38:07 PM | Perfect advise. He beat me to it by months....I seriously was ready to type exactly the same idea prior to reading that...but honestly, your ex is a bit cuckoo no? I mean I get all that cougar idea of making themselves feel better by scoring a root from some random young idjit...but how convenient for their logic to fly off the window....don't they realise that a man that age will feck anything, including a tree stump if it had holes in it?
I see it on base with military ex-wives....god we'd have our sides ache from laughing at the ugliest women, proud to be in the arms of a 19 year old private. Jeebus...we even have Cougar nights on base...bring in the ugliest, fattest, biggest arse, biggest tits, anything est - depending on what night - that you can find for a bet of $50 AUD.
What a cliche.....but more importantly, how can she be so non-chalant about the impact this would have on HER kids, has she lost all her faculties? One thing to get a root but to have a 19 year old act as step daddy....that would rile me up and I don't even have kids!
Yeah...get him to do the chores, maybe a little allowance every now and again.  | |
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| why am I so angry?
Posted: 10/16/2009 10:30:18 PM | | I wouldnt feel bad about the kids seeing it and all.They will understand when they get older that dad had a right to be pissed off.As for the anger stay away from coffee and sugar,eat healthy and go pump some iron at the gym,yell and scream your head off in your own house if you want to.And,oh yeah,go stomp on that little punks nuts right infront of your wife.A couple of open handed **** slaps too.If its your first offence you'll only spend the night in jail and get probation for a month with about 40 hours comunity service. | |
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| why am I so angry?
Posted: 10/22/2009 11:27:22 PM | | You have every right to be angry I am 4 years out from a similiar situation and I still can not move on I have not been with another woman since My wife cheated and left me taking my son and moving in with the guy the next day,then lied about me to get a peace bond so I could not get within 2 blocks of the guy without getting arrested. 7 days a week in the gym saved me but the pain and rage will never go away. | |
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