| Life after living with someone who is BPD
Posted: 4/26/2009 4:26:35 PM | I have never had a relationship that was so draining. At my age one would think I would of been smarter than that. Someone with Borderline Persoanlity Disorder can be very charming at times, at least when they are getting their way. I seen the warning signs, the disrespect for his own mother, the hatred for his x wife, the way he treated his daughters. I didn't get the full effects until I moved in and than the abuse started. He actually said I shouldn't care how he treats others as long as he didn't treat me that way. Well I stayed for the abuse. Ya! Even stuck around for a year. He was always checking my phone, my emails and accusing me of crazy stuff. He has shoved me, broken many of my things and sometimes my spirit. My friends wanted to know who I had become. Being such a strong woman I fell apart. All about them and their control. He has never met my mother, yet he calls her a whore. I have been called the c word so often I think it's my own name. He calls non stop in his moods swings and than it becomes silent, which is always disturbing. You never know what is going to happen next. He as recently as last Sunday has invited me over to dinner and his cabin and believes we have a future, yet he hates me.
I'm not saying it was all bad because I never would of stayed. Like his x wife has said the highs are high and the lows are very low. My friends can't stand to hear his name. I'm so guilty of forgiving someone who should never of had a moment of my time, let alone my love.
You may think why did I take the abuse? Well I have to say that it didn't start out that way and they have a way of making you feel so loved when they are not hating you. You are their world and they smother you. I have learned a lot from this and have went back many times and guess what, he won't change or get any better. He is this evil person I cared about. It still hurts to this day but I now know no matter what I can't be with him.
I do know this that you should give everyone a chance and not all two people are the same. I do believe that you can't just judge all people with the same degree of any one personaity trait but I know what I went through and it was abusive to say the least. The first time he pulled me out of bed at five in the morning threatening to kick me out and change the locks should of made me leave but it didn't. The mood swings were unlike anything I had ever been through.
To all that have never been with someone who is BPD will not understand this statement. It truely was the best sex I have ever had. That being said I would rather go without, unless of course I invested in a whole lot of duct tape.
Please be understanding and know I have a big heart, that was taken advantage of. Please be kind! This is my first post and probably my last. Writing for me is therapy! I could go on and on about what he has said and done to me, my real question here is he still has a whole lot of my things will only give me back what he wants to and on his terms. This has been dragging on for months, I know I should just let it go. Easier said than done. I feel he has stole personal things and has way to much of my stuff. He gives me back alittle at a time if I'm either nice or a total xitch . No in between with someone with BPD. He has won and it still upsets me. Not enough any more that I'm angry, but how dare him. Please be kind and understand I have had all the negative from him I can take. | |
|
| Life after living with someone who is BPD
Posted: 4/26/2009 5:51:22 PM | | IMHO, rather than engage in diagnosing your boyfriend, his issues and the endless list of abuses you state he perpetrated, I believe that you would better spend your time attempting to get to know yourself and your motives for sustaining such a relationship leading to your moving on and forming healthier relationships. This may take some assistance so you may wish to gain the trust and support of a counselor and enter into a counseling relationship to work through this situation. Best of luck. | |
|
| Life after living with someone who is BPD
Posted: 4/26/2009 5:54:53 PM | ^^^^Sometimes part of the process is getting it out by talking or writing about it. The OP already noted that writing is therapeutic for her so she processed at the same time she asked. As long as she is not going over the litany in her head endlessly and replaces that with I forgive you I forgive you I forgive you, you finally start believing it and the stuff just doesn't hurt anymore.
Walk away, forgive everything he did (for you not him, if you hold onto the pain he still has power over you) as the product of a crazy person, forget about your stuff and get it through your head because you are free of him, that means you won. Stuff is meaningless without peace of mind and a sense of serenity you haven't had for a long time.
Just give yourself some time to breath and enjoy the air without the dead weight you have been lugging. I lived with someone for 14 years who was bipolar, the best thing you can do for yourself is recognize how lucky you are and move on. The man you fell in love with, doesn't exist, the guy who was the bipolar whackjob, that is real. Would you ever have fallen in love with the latter?
Stop beating yourself up, these people are master manipulators who start grooming you from day one to feel sorry for them and consequently when they act badly, you tend to see them as injured and let things slide you would accept from no other person. This man taught you a valuable lesson, you know how to spot someone that is not accountable, blames everyone else for their problems and won't seek treatment.
There were some good times, cherish them, forget the rest beyond remembering the lessons. | |
|
| |
| Life after living with someone who is BPD
Posted: 4/26/2009 6:47:55 PM | Stop playing his games and take control, the more you feed into his bizarre abusive crap the more you'll get. You will never figure this man out, stop asking why or making excuses for how you fell into his trap. Manipulators do this to people. BPD is today's catch phrase for abusive a-hole. You can wrap it up in a clinical diagnosis but it's still abuse with no excuses.
Send a certified letter listing the items he has as well as requesting an agreed date and time to pick them up. Show up with a friend and get your things.
If he refuses to let you in to retrieve them, file a small claim in court and bring a few witnesses who will attest to him simply having your possessions. The judge will order a civil stand by through the local sheriff's department and you get your stuff. After that delete his phone number, block his emails and never talk to him again. | |
|
| Life after living with someone who is BPD
Posted: 4/26/2009 7:20:31 PM | There are degrees of BPD, and other mental health issues. A relative of mine was schizophrenic and brilliant. So from an early age I learned a lot about genius and the brain. Personally I could handle some mental health issues as long as the person was also brilliant. Mainly because brilliant and well educated also means that they would for periods of each year be making great money so they wouldn't be a drain .Whereas someone who was less educated not making money would be a harder go. After my husbands accident and his head injuries and all, at least we had a decent income so it made it easier.
As for getting your things back. Here in California you have to make a list, and go to the police or sheriff and make arrangements for you to go to the home and get these items, with them. They can give you more helpful information.
~Beth~ | |
|
| Life after living with someone who is BPD
Posted: 4/28/2009 7:15:35 AM | Hi there,
It sounds like you have been living with my ex. But it's not just BPD look up narcissism.
Yes I have had my belongings withheld. This has happened so many times I have given up on them. He can keep them. But every time I break away he inundates me with phone calls, texts and e mails. I keep my land line unplugged, have barred him from e mailing me. Today I received two vast letters from him. I have not barred him from my mobile as I need to know what is going on. But I do not take his calls, texts only. It's a nightmare.
I understand the 'how dare he' thing. I feel exactly the same. But all the research I have done tells you to just let it all go, and not contact him. Yes, I know it is galling. I am a shadow of my former self. Not eating, not sleeping. I have lost so much weight. Yes, I want revenge but I really do not think it is possible without losing all of your spirit. | |
|
| Life after living with someone who is BPD
Posted: 4/28/2009 8:45:41 AM | | It gets better. Discovering that a borderline infatuation turns into seething hatred, neither of which is truly loving will likely be the one thing you learned from the experience. That was the one thing I learned most of all in the last marriage. Ironically, as deep as a borderline feels for someone, ultimately it's discovered that they don't really feel loved at all. BPD types are just friends material for me. | |
|
| Life after living with someone who is BPD
Posted: 4/30/2009 10:04:44 PM | Deborah, you say that at your age (36) you should have been smarter than to start dating him to begin with. It seems unlikely, however, that age or smarts had anything to do with it. As someone who lived with a BPD sufferer, I can tell you that the first six or nine months was the most romantic part of my entire life. Because the BPD sufferer has little self-identity, he/she will mirror you and all your preferences. You therefore are convinced you have found your "soul mate." And, as you point out, the person is so passionate that sex is incredible -- intoxicating even.
That said, you did exercise poor judgement (as I did for many years) in repeatedly going back to an abusive partner. I therefore agree with Comfort's suggestion that you should now focus on your motives for having sustained such a relationship. Until you understand why you kept returning to your ex, there is a danger you will be drawn into another relationship with someone just like him.
You also may want to reconsider your belief that your ex is "evil" and that you are "guilty of forgiving someone who should never of had a moment of my time...." I agree with PackageDeal's statement that forgiving is exactly what you should be doing -- not for his benefit but, rather, as a necessary step in healing yourself. In my case, the forgiving process took more than two years. I was able to let go of my anger only because I learned that BPD is an illness that a person suffers from starting in early childhood. In theory, it is treatable. In practice, however, very few high-functioning BPDs ever seek treatment because the very nature of the illness makes them unwilling to acknowledge they have a flaw.
I therefore believe that you will be far healthier -- and more compassionate -- when you are able to regard your ex as "sick," not "evil." To accomplish that, I started by reading about BPD on the Internet. That gave me an intellectual understanding of it. But knowing something at an intellectual level is not the same as believing it at a "gut level," i.e., at an emotional level -- which is what is required if you want to get rid of the anger. To do that, I found it helpful to join this forum and keep an eye out for people who seem caught up in BPD-type relationships. I send them links to the Internet sites that helped me the most. I like to think that I am writing primarily to help them but I am also using the writing, as you do, for self-therapy. It helps me understand things at an emotional level that I already understand at an intellectual level. That is, it's my way of having my "adult" speak to the "child" inside me. As a consequence, I really don't know if this message is primarily directed at you or, rather, at my inner child.
I am amused by ReadyOrNot's question as to whether BPD sufferers "are better lovers" than non-BPD folks. The answer to that question, I believe, is a resounding "yes" if you are referring only to the six-month honeymoon period. That, at least, is the consensus judgement of the dozen people I have corresponded with following their escapes from a BPD-type relationship.
As to your belongings, I would follow CarolAnn's suggestions on the legal steps to take in recovering them if they are very valuable. If not, I would agree with PackageDeal's suggestion that you simply walk away from the belongings to minimize your interaction with your ex. | |
|
| Life after living with someone who is BPD
Posted: 4/30/2009 10:13:06 PM | Get receipts or vcopies of receipts of all the things he has. Make a list. Or sneak back in by kissing up or whatever, and take pictures with your cell phone of all the stuff he has that is yours. But you'll have to be able to prove its yours, cuz possesion is 9 points of the 10 point law....
Then take him to small claims court.
Go on Judge Judy.
LOLOL | |
|
| Life after living with someone who is BPD
Posted: 4/30/2009 10:13:57 PM | "I have never had a relationship that was so draining. "
I didnt have to read anymore. Leave, if you havent already. LOL. It's not worth it.
A relationship's suppose to be fun/loving/all that good stuff.
Work can get draining...i dont need my girl to drain me too. | |
|
| Life after living with someone who is BPD
Posted: 4/30/2009 10:31:33 PM | some men are like that,some women are like that
Niether are worth losing yourself
Time is what You need to become strong once more
EveryOne is beautiful,Everyone has a spark
If I knew now what I knew then does not matter
YOU do! for yourself!You matter to you as much as to someone
Worth You
some men are like that,some women are like that
You are worth So Much More | |
|
| Life after living with someone who is BPD
Posted: 4/30/2009 10:46:49 PM | Hi Deborah,
I completely understand why you stayed with him as long as you did and also why you had to leave. I am bi-polar. Many of a bp's traits are similar to bpd. Very often they are misdiagnosed. I have been married/divorced three times and had a handful of other long term relationships. Every women I have ever been with has said the same thing on the way out the door "being with you is exhausting". I don't think I have been abusive but I have certainly been manipulative. We are very good at getting our way.
And to those people that have asked yes sex with "one of us" is the best you will ever have. I know because thats the reason the women in my life stayed as long as they did.
Deborah of course you can't be with him. And in his eyes everything wrong in his life is your fault. If you just loved him enough to stay then everything would be ok. He probably doesn't even recognize how he hurt you. I guess the point I am getting around to is please try and not hate him. Please try and accept that there are some things that are beyond our control. There is no excuse for abuse so please don't think I am trying to reason it. | |
|
| Life after living with someone who is BPD
Posted: 4/30/2009 11:10:48 PM | OP, after reading your post and some of the responses. I believe you will get your best advice from packagedeal3x and Downtowndc. They have experienced this type of relationship before. (And excellent advice by the way, the two of you!) And so have I. 15 years on and off for me. I completely identified with everything (everything!!) that you wrote. And also with the other two posts. Let the possessions go. They can't mean more than your sanity. The only downside I found to that is the occasional phone call because he believes that as long as he has these things, he still can use them to try to connect with you. (And that is precisely whyb you won't EVER get them all back) Oh, I too have a big heart. I forgive and forget way too easy. Always have, always will. Fault of mine or not, it is who I am. And I am ok with that. I'll take my lumps as they come but I am always proud of who I am in the end. This relationship has made you stronger in ways you will realize in time. And reading your post and those of others here has been theraputic for me as well. So I thank you for sharing and wish you all the best!!
~Diane | |
|
| |
| Life after living with someone who is BPD
Posted: 5/1/2009 4:24:39 AM | I agree with the advice given about letting it all go hun the possesions everything. Walk away and get on with your life but I know it hurts.
I lived with someone bi polar and I had a violent ex who was an alki. Not the same as your talking about but at the end of the day abuse is abuse.
The reason I say let the possesions go is this. I lived with the abusive alcoholic. I left him went to live at my mates. We ended up gettin back together slow at first just datin and it was fine with me living at my friends still. Then one night he said i'll take all your stuff back on train home and I'll meet you tomorow and we'll start again, please come home. I thought why not, I really cared and wanted to try again and thought we could move forward. He took everything of mine back and next day said ner ner you have nothing you've lost everything now fuk off. Id been set up. All I had was what I stood up in and I'd lent him money and allsorts and was really low and didnt know what the hell to do. I trusted him and thought things were getin sorted out.
So I pretended I didnt care which course I did. Then he came crawling back and he held all the cards asked me to go meet him. I decided to play it his way, cosy up get back into the flat and when I could make a bolt for it with as much stuff of my own as I could possibly carry. I couldnt go through with it and be untrue and I broke down, I just wasnt able to be that misleading. He walked away and left me and Iwas goin to have to travel back to my friends over 2 hours away empty handed. I then realised I had the flat key and let me self in and youve never seen anyone run round as much as i did frightened out their wits. I got absoloutely everything, it near on killed me in them massive drag along suitcases but i did it. He was of course livid and I got loads of threat but let me make it clear I only took my things.
Being an idiot we did get back together after that again but he never forgot me sneakin about gettin me stuff and the final time i went to walk out of the door because ,of it he set fire to my hair.
The point is safety first always. Make mistakes you can rectify not ones that have a real high price. Let it all go he may surprise you and let you have stuff back but it aint worth gettin physically hurt for believe me. Cut him out of your life there is a better future waiting trust me on that, I know! Cut contact and leave him to rot. | |
|
|
Home
login 
