| dealing with the loss of a girlfriend that you love deeply
Posted: 6/30/2005 9:51:09 PM | Hello, I recently had my partner in life that was to become my wife up and leave me after 5yrs. We had some fights in our time but worked through them. I one day was thrown out of the house because of my fighting (she dumped me cause she couldn't handle it no more). I finally realized what the problem was. It was me and my drinking. I was like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hide. So I did something about it and joined AA and cleaned up my act. She came back to me after a couple months out of the blue. Things started to go really well between us. I told her I am sorry for all my past fights and the only way to prove it is to never drink again. I asked her to marry me and she said yes. I was so happy, but then she developed a health problem with her ovaries that caused her great pain. She went into a deep depression. We talked but she didn't want me around much as she wanted to be by herself and deal with her pain. She knew she needed to go for another surgery and told me to just give her some space right now. So I tried to comply with her wishes as hard as it was because I was very concerned about her. She kept telling me that she loved me and when we seen each other she would kiss me. Sex was on hold because of her intense pain and I understood. Well one day she dropped off the car that I bought her at my house with a note inside along with all the love letters I wrote her.
In the note she told me "by the time you read this I will almost be in Calgary. I love you and that is why I am setting you free as you deserve to find someone that is not in pain all the time, sick, depressed, sad and grouchy all the time. I know you will find this hard but you will find someone else in time. This is the best thing for you, sorry it couldn't have been me, but I am having a hard time dealing with the past and can't let go. You've done nothing wrong and thank you for all you've done and the good memories. I love you."
I have no way to contact her and its tearing me up inside because I love her deeply and feel in love with her two boys. I don't know what to do and I am trying to understand. How can someone love you and tell you that and then leave if I have done nothing wrong? I lost my bestfriend and lover without a kiss or a hug goodbye. The way she left was not nice but I don't hate her for it. I had to lose all my so called friends in order to clean up and get off the booze and thus without her I am really alone in a big city. I can't eat, sleep or think straight. I know others have lost loved ones and I feel for them, but to be honest I never had it easy to find girlfiends in my life. So I am scared at where my life is going and all the cliches out there don't really help right now. I am definately not a social butterfly but I am reaching out today by posting this thread. It really hurts and I'm lost today but one thing for sure I am not going back to the bottle. I would love to hear all your experiences and advice, Thanks | |
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| dealing with the loss of a girlfriend that you love deeply
Posted: 6/30/2005 9:59:28 PM | i lost a dear love one in my life
it was my fault and i paied the price
for yrs i looked for him and could not see beyond him
it is not good for yrs i passed up good ppl in hopes he'd call well 7 yrs later he called and said he'll call back and never did'well i thought id never go back to where i was i picked my self up and dusted my self off and yes it still hurts but i know longer long for him
and u need to do the same and congrats for not going back to the bottle
stay away that is not the answer
good luck to u | |
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| dealing with the loss of a girlfriend that you love deeply
Posted: 6/30/2005 10:30:24 PM | Time will heal the loss, but it is time we fight against! Just keep possitive thoughts (yes it is difficult as I know) but also keep your friends close and do not shut them out as they will be your best source of recovery! My heart goes out to you and I do know how tough it is but trust me when I say it will get easier over time! | |
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| dealing with the loss of a girlfriend that you love deeply
Posted: 6/30/2005 10:45:55 PM | Run a personal ad in the Calgary (or wherever you think she went) paper and let her know that your door is always open to her. you might be pleasantly surprised sometime in the future. It often works that way. Do it now and a month from now. Maybe more if you still feel the same. Rent a billboard or marquee next to the freeway for a day. Someone may read it who knows her from work, childhood, whatever. Send her a (single) letter stating your feelings via her parents or any other family member. They probably know where she is. Don't be a pest but don't let her throw it away thinking that she's doing it for you, if that IS her actual reason and not just (to borrow from Jedbush) "ink in the water", a "squiddy" sort of thing.
In the meantime, don't sit and dwell on your loss as you did all that you could. Find another. I think you have a target-rich environment right here. Get into a survivor's support group because your loss is actually more damaging to deal with right now than if she had died. If your "other" dies at least there is a closure.
As an anecdote, I had a similar event transpire in my life. She told me she had been diagnosed with cancer and was going to move elsewhere to avoid my having to go through it with her. Turned out that she'd found a guy closer to home. Glad I got that out of the way or I would have felt guilty for letting her go. Whew!!!
ADD NOTE: you need to shorten you list of people who CAN'T contact you. "hang-out/freindship/talk" can turn into long term if the mix is right. Lighten up.. | |
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| dealing with the loss of a girlfriend that you love deeply
Posted: 6/30/2005 10:49:19 PM | Whoever said noone ever died over a broken heart must never have experienced one. The pain feels endless but luckily, it isn't. I bet you know more people that have had a broken heart than ones who haven't. One day, you'll look back at this relationship and realize that it was a great rehearsal for subsequent relationships. But you're not likely to feel that right now. It's okay. Having friends and family there to help you keep preoccupied will help tremendously. You may be a little hesitant at first but the more you get out, you will realize that you are doing more with them then you could with your ex.
You changed for your ex and you did it in a good way. Not too many guys would be able to do that. Look back at your relationship but look at it for what it really was, not what you wanted it to be.
You will be all mended before you know it. Whatever you do though, make sure you are over missing your ex and do not get into another relationship on a rebound. I wish you the best of luck! Feel Better!
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| dealing with the loss of a girlfriend that you love deeply
Posted: 6/30/2005 10:51:19 PM | | You're not alone...call or email me for my number....been there...(kinda) and did some of that...(kinda) ... get your support system..up and going...you'll need it no matter what...no man is a rock or an island..I learned. that...and rocks don't care..so anyway..thats my 2 cents...hope it helps... | |
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| dealing with the loss of a girlfriend that you love deeply
Posted: 6/30/2005 10:58:34 PM | | hey thanks for that advice. One thing I do know is that she is not with another guy as I have seen how sore she is. I got the impression that she is feeling worthless. On another note I know her ex who is the father of one of the kids is making trouble with trying to gain custody and she doesn't want to lose her kid. He is married to another woman but has always play headgames with buying the kid stuff and not letting him take it to his mom's, for example new shoes, but by the time the kid sees him again he is outgrown them. She was very good at sending him to his dad's every springbreak, christmas, and all summer long. I just don't know what to think about it because I have tried to find anyone that knows her and without knowing their full names I can't get a hold of them. The one thing I could do is go to Calgary and try to see her step mom as I only know where she lives but she doesn't really like me because the past hurt I caused my girl. Some people don't look at the whole picture and try to break people up than rather try to keep them together. Like I never hit my partner, I just yelled a lot and that was the booze not really me, but now I got off it and she did come back without me calling her. She showed up at an AA meeting to find me. That is also has got me confused as she came back and things went well until she found out the bad news from the doctor and she just went into a depression and you all know the rest. Thank you all for listening, I appreciate it greatly. | |
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| dealing with the loss of a girlfriend that you love deeply
Posted: 6/30/2005 11:09:20 PM | I haven't been through what you're describing, but I think I understand what you're going through. It'll take a (long!) while before you feel ok again. Eventually you'll reach the point where you start feeling ok from time to time, and stop thinking about her more than once or twice a day. As for the fear of being alone... I hear you. All I can say about that is socializing helps... preferably with girls you'd be interested in dating if given the chance. It helps to keep the self esteem up. I'd say when you feel ready to innocently (or not so innocently) chat with them, try fishing for people to talk to here on POF.
Now, that said, are you sure you have no way of contacting her? Have you tried looking her number up in Calgary? Does she have an email address that she might still check? Know any relatives of hers? Even if you just know last names, you can cold-call people from the phone book (if there aren't too many) and politely ask if they're a relative of your friend and then ask for their help if they say yes. Maybe they could pass a message along for you, or give you the number of a relative that's closer to her.
Some might call doing that sort of thing stalker-ish, but I'd say "being a stalker" is all about motives. If you get ahold of her, plead your case, and she still tells you to get lost... well, you don't have much say in it. Ultimately it's her decision, and persistance beyond that point would label you in my mind as a stalker... but not before.
Well, good luck.
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| dealing with the loss of a girlfriend that you love deeply
Posted: 7/1/2005 1:13:39 AM | holly cow man if i didnt know any better i would say that you were easedropping on my life for the last year ...now that is weird....all of it everyword, she she was in so much pain that she sometimes didnt get off the couch sometimes i thought she was attached to it. the only difference is mine was very violent and i left her.she was in able to talk with her mouth only with her hands and whatever she could throw,swing, to hit me with.i will tell you thisif you really love her then dont give up on her. if she truly loves you she'll realize her mistake and come back. your in store for some really bad times, but try to keep positive thoughts. it helped me.i knew she wasnt coming back and i didnt want her back but the positive outlook kept me from doing anything i would regret.
Scot | |
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*Em*
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Joined: 6/29/2005
Msg: 14 | |
| dealing with the loss of a girlfriend that you love deeply
Posted: 7/1/2005 3:27:23 AM | dam it lol..ive just written my life story and its been erased!
ok brief version..
once i met a guy..adored him..loved him to bits!
we fought over something sooo silly..a few days later he commited suicide.
i hit rock bottom and never thought id get thru it.
but i did..and im still here and a thousand failed reltionships later..im still looking for mr right!
time DOES heal and we swear never to wear our hearts on our sleeves again. ive said that many times yet here i am lol
good luck and take care
sasssy
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| dealing with the loss of a girlfriend that you love deeply
Posted: 7/1/2005 9:30:20 AM | | I wouldn't want to post all the details of my past but i would be happy to talk to you by email. I went thru the exact same thing except I'm the girl who left after 20 years being happily married. Email me if you'd like to talk.I hope I can help. | |
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| dealing with the loss of a girlfriend that you love deeply
Posted: 7/1/2005 9:45:09 AM | Kindheart.....Love isn`t like a light switch that you can turn off and on!!!! Give yourself some time to put things in perspective and give your heart a chance to heal....Being on a dating site isn`t the answer...You are no way, shape, or form ready to be dating again...Spend time with yourself, heal, then go out into the world in search of a partner, free of past hurts....You are one handsome dude!!!!! It won`t take long once you are ready to give your heart again...But don`t let go of one relationship and grab onto another...That never works...Trust me...I know what I`m talking about.....When you spend time alone, as hard as that is to do, you will discover soooooo much about yourself, it is amazing.....It makes you so much stronger...Good luck, bud....I can sense your kind heart over cyberspace!!!!  | |
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| dealing with the loss of a girlfriend that you love deeply
Posted: 7/1/2005 9:52:51 AM | | hello kindhart, i went through the same thing with the drinkong and friends, but was in love and had 2 children,when she left. never got back together. i know the no leep, no eat situation...., how about the knot in you're stomach???????????.. iyou don't want to get out of bed..., even to go to the bathroom....let me tell you why i am here now...to tell you the following...you don't know i am, nor does it matter.....something told me to come on this computer and now i know who..... i am not here to preach religion.... but i you get a bible,.......read the book of jobe.........you are jobe......the devil is testing you. don't give in.......good bye...., CHAZZ | |
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| dealing with the loss of a girlfriend that you love deeply
Posted: 7/1/2005 10:02:49 AM | Man you are going through the same thing I didn't about 8 years ago. I thought I would die. I didn't eat, sleep, etc.... It was almost the most painful thing I have ever experienced. Only thing that was worse is when my son was run over by a car 16 months ago and was nearly killed. He's fine now and he's good.
Eventually you get over it. Just try and keep a level head and you will heal even though it feels like there will never be an end insight. | |
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| dealing with the loss of a girlfriend that you love deeply
Posted: 7/1/2005 10:18:23 AM | | I just tried to send "the seach engine from hell" your mailbox but because of your long list of prohibitions on people who can contact you (which I suggested you remove, and which you didn't) it wouldn't go."Oh WELL!" | |
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| dealing with the loss of a girlfriend that you love deeply
Posted: 7/1/2005 11:01:25 AM | | My situation is kinda similar (see broken hearts, 'just want to share my story') and im starting to finally get over her now. The best suggestion I would give you assuming you want to move on which IMO would be the best move from here would be to just stay busy. Keep active take up a hobby and stay busy. I know you need some time to mourn or be sad but don't let that go longer than a week. Try and move on or if you want to set yourself back up for some hurt you could go to canada I suppose and talk to her step mom... | |
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