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| Online Dating Guide for Men: Part One
Posted: 6/30/2005 10:45:11 PM | The Rules: A Guide For Men - Part I
You know, maybe you guys will think this arrogant, but I gotta tell ya, now and again I talk to a gal here, and it seems there needs to be a clearing of the air. Some rules…basic ‘do’s’ and ‘do nots’ that you can use as a little guide. So, as a public service, I thought I’d write a few down. Now, trust me, I am pretty well certain that 95% of women here will agree with 95% of the rules. Not a bad stat, huh? Ladies, if you’re in agreement, please back me up on these…I don’t think I’m really reaching here, from what I’ve heard. Oh, and this is just a first kick at the can, so to speak. I’ll try to come up with follow-ups as needed.
The Rules:
1. Sending pictures of your c*ck to gals on the site. I debated whether or not I should work up to this rule with a few minor ones, you know, kind of like a warm-up to the main event, but the fact is that there are simply too many of you guys deciding that a glossy, close-up of your meat-pole is one of those time honoured flagships of courtship. It ain’t. In case I’m being a little vague, let me rephrase that. Chicks don’t want you sending them pictures of your willy. They just don’t. I promise. Trust me, as enamoured as you might be with the sight of your little putz, the vast majority of women are not, and here’s the thing. It may be that there are a few women that really DO want to see grainy, web-cam photos of the male member, from random samples that the gender has to offer. These women have this cool thing called “google” and if they go to the image area and type in “Morons and their schlongs” they can find all the pictures of guys like you that they could ever want. Seriously. Check the interests in the site and look for how many women have put “uninvited d!ck shots” in there. Found any? There’s a reason.
Okay, now we’ve got past the big one, fellas, and now we’re going to go on some minor rules. These are not, by any means 100% certain, but I’m betting you will do well to at least give ‘em a try. Still reading? For the probably 40-50% of you who are functionally illiterate (trust me, I’m basing this on anecdotal evidence from females on this site, that’s a pretty good estimate) and have a ‘spotter’ reading for you, make sure they’re reading slowly.
2. Pull back on the relationship throttle and ease off the commitment buttons…You’ve talked to someone a couple of times on line, maybe even managed to beg or extort a woman into actually meeting you for coffee…or have her on the phone after a week or so…don’t go suggesting you love them, or want to move in together or for chr!ssakes, want to get married.. Women have a word for that type of clingy, over the top, needy type. It’s called…’weirdo’. You see, at this point, she knows you approximately as well as she does the guy who sits four seats ahead of her on the bus most days as she commutes to work, and even if you are certain that she is Cleopatra to your Mark Anthony (note to spotters: explain this is a historical reference and just means that you really dig the chick)…she isn’t. You’re gonna freak her out. If you want to marry her after talking for two weeks…it means you should wait 2 years before you propose. Seriously. If you want to marry her after talking for one week…you should wait 20 years.
3. Pictures of you flexing half naked. Two words. Independent editor. Some of you guys have a six pack down there that anyone would want to see…hell, I would want to see…but most of you? It’s nothing special. So, before you flash that pic of you doing your Hulk imitation in your boxers and not much else, do the ladies a favour and ask a trusted confidante “is this a particularly attractive midriff?” because unless they say, ‘f*ck yeah’ you’re advertising you are vain about a body part you have no business in being vain about. Tee shirt. Trust me.
4. Your occupation. Don’t put down that you’re a spy. Just don’t. Don’t leave it blank and at the first conversation make strange hints that you can’t talk about your job…and then tell her, in confidence, that you’re really an agent with the CIA, FBI or NSA. Here’s why. Guys think that’s cool…it’s like playing cowboys and indians or something…you’re a boy, and you are attracted to the idea of pretending you’re a big, mysterious, super-spy international agent. Women? They think “F*ck, this means he’ll probably be working a lot of weekends.” And in the event that you two DO hit it off and walk off into the sunset…yeah, she’s thinking “I’m getting stuck with most of the diaper duties and all the times the kids wake up in the night”. You see, that’s a boy’s fantasy for a job. You want to impress a woman with a lie about your work? Tell her you’re a chef or an extremely well paid housecleaner (and that you LOVE your work). Oh, and I wouldn’t mention this rule unless I had heard about it actually happening…don’t put your occupation as ‘model’ with an obviously pro picture lifted from any magazine site and THEN tell them you ‘moonlight for the FBI’. First off, FBI agents don’t have second jobs in a business that will have their faces postered everywhere. Secondly, they don’t blow their cover on online dating sites.
5. I know, I know…the profile is meant to give you an opportunity to describe yourself and you want to tell ‘em how smart you are. You should. It’s a good idea. But please…it is spelled “Intelligent”. Not…”intellegent”. I mention this because the first time I saw it, I chalked it up to chance…the second time an odd coincidence and the third…a very disturbing trend. Listen, I know, typos are part of the online reality, and I give ‘em as much slack as anyone, but on THIS …well, it’s kind of important, if you are saying you’re intelligent, to at least be able to prove this by spelling the word correctly. If it’s too hard to remember, just say you’re “smart”. It’s easier to spell. As an aside, it’s easier if you just show them you’re smart, rather than say you are and then explain you’re sensitive and looking for that special someone by listing your interests as “beer, cars and sex”. Oh, and also, if you’re saying you’re funny…be funny…if you’re ‘into readin’ (and yes, I’ve seen it put that way), list some of the books you’ve recently read…even if they are picture books and even if you aren’t sure if that makes you sound dorky (it doesn’t). Reading was considered ‘dorky’ my cute girls in grade four, and while that’s the reading level many of you guys are still struggling with, most girls aren’t going to think less of you because you say you love reading John Irving.
6. If you are older than 19. The letter ‘z’ is not used, generally speaking, to pluralize words. Don’t do that. For those of you who are 18 years old and believe that this rule does not apply to you, I meant 19 months.
7. I know I’ve mentioned no c*ck shots. Just wanted to reiterate. Don’t.
8. Women who list ‘sex’ in their interests do not mean ‘sex with you’ or ‘sex with every jag off who messages me’ or ‘I’m easy’. Men who list ‘sex’ in their interests are wasting their time. Women are all assuming we are interested in that. Unless you list Catholic Priest as an occupation, but given what I’ve been reading in the news, even that’s no guarantee.
9. Women couldn’t give a sh!t how much you bench press…how many beers you drank last weekend…what you plan to fix on your car/ATV/lawnmower this weekend…or why your softball team didn’t win the game last night. Seriously. They don’t. You’re intellegent…think of something ELSE to talk about.
10. If you actually like something a girl said in her profile…or if her picture really caught your eye…do not send her a message that starts with or solely consists of “Hey baby”, or “You sexy”, and I can’t actually believe I’m having to say this but anecdotal evidence sometimes speaks volumes…”wanna f*ck?” Try out ‘Hi, I just wanted to say hello, and let you know I really enjoyed your profile” or “I’m * and wanted to see if you’d mind talking sometime” or “I read the rules, and I promise no c*ck shots and no marriage proposals…but how about talking?” Trust me. It takes about twenty seconds more and makes a HUGE difference. Oh, and while we’re at it, if you just send messages to hundreds of women at a time and are actually typing out ‘hey baby’ to all of them…save yourself the time, it’s called ‘cut and paste’ you f*cking moron.
There. Ten quick rules…none of them seem that arduous, and if you’re a guy sitting there and thinking “well, d’uh…”, that’s fine…it’s not about you. But you’d be surprised… I know more than a few women here will attest to the fact that if every guy followed the above rules, their experiences would be a lot more positive…so we’re sort of clearing the air.
Remember…if a woman wants to see a picture of your d!ck, she’ll ask. If she wants to move in with you, she’ll mention at least that she hates living alone. You’re probably NOT as cut as you think you are. Boys think playing ‘spy’ is cool…girls don’t. Intelligent is spelled with an ‘I’ to start and another ‘i’ is hidden in the middle. You’re not into ‘carz’ or drinking a ton of ‘beerz’ this weekend. Cars. Beers. Even if you CAN spell it right, don’t talk about cars or beers or bench pressing or your softball team…and they know you like sex. Promise. “Hey baby” is not a message, it’s the digital equivalent of honking your horn at a girl walking along the street.
And put your web cam away and your d!ck in your pants, because it’s not impressing anyone.
* When I said I meant you should substitute in your actual name there…you moron. | |
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| Online Dating Guide for Men: Part One
Posted: 6/30/2005 11:08:22 PM | Woody, have I told you lately that I love you ? 
I hope they won't mock you in Current Events for fraternizing with the Sex and Dating people 
Be warned fellas....I have a small cache of the aforementioned willie pictures that I saved to my hard drive.
Why, you ask?... Because I love them and collect them? NO. I keep them so that every time someone sends me an unsolicited crotch shot, I can reply in kind  ....and always with one larger than what I received. | |
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| Online Dating Guide for Men: Part One
Posted: 6/30/2005 11:20:03 PM | god woody i have sooooooooooo missed you..
the FBI/Model Gig..this was particularly clever.. not ONLY was he an FBI agent.. but he lived in Toronto...
Heres a little something that p*sses me right the F*ck off.. READ PROFILES.. and if you don't want to, then at least make that your opening line "hi.. i'm a lazy f*ck and dont' really care about what you have to say, i just want to 'beat it like it owes me money' to your pics".... | |
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| Online Dating Guide for Men: Part One
Posted: 6/30/2005 11:28:21 PM | Can I just break the first rule (j/k),
Do men do that? I'm must be on the wrong site
This stuff is so obvious that even a man could only make
a mistake with around 7 of those pointers.  | |
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| Online Dating Guide for Men: Part One
Posted: 6/30/2005 11:56:14 PM | Aw Pandy, babe, I've always wished we chatted more...and thanks for reading the 'guide'. :)
Howdy Holly...bless your heart...it was fun writing this...I'm gonna thank you for being one of those inspirations to realizing 'sheesh...guys REALLY need to get this..."
And Fates? Yeah, they do...sigh. Cheers.  | |
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| Online Dating Guide for Men: Part One
Posted: 7/1/2005 12:05:23 AM | I think that Woody has covered all the bases.. but i'm going to reiterate a few finer points...
fake pics.. we can sniff these out a mile away fella's, like bad aftershave or cheap knock off perfume.. they stink..... you're perfectly perfect shots matched with your "owner/president/ceo" type careers..yet when asked to back up a pic with a quick cam.. you conveniently can't oblige.. apparently CEO's don't make what they used to and that $60 cam from future shop is way out of budget...
my newest fave..."i'll give you $300.00 to get nasty on cam".. when i said "no" he replied with "$500.00".. guys, there are sites specifically for that, tons of them..
"hey, you into phone sex".. again.. refer to above post.. there are a TON of sex lines.. the fact that you are trying to get it for free on here not only makes you pathetic, but cheap!
Showing the "wang o powa".. in WHAT social setting is this an acceptable "hello"??.. would any of you guys walk up to a woman in a bar, d*ck in hand and say "hey..my name is.." .. no.. you wouldn't.. so why is it an introductory must for many online?? | |
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| Online Dating Guide for Men: Part One
Posted: 7/1/2005 12:27:49 AM | 9. Women couldn’t give a sh!t how much you bench press…how many beers you drank last weekend…what you plan to fix on your car/ATV/lawnmower this weekend…or why your softball team didn’t win the game last night. Seriously. They don’t. You’re intellegent…think of something ELSE to talk about.
DAMN!! I just struck out.
and they know you like sex. Promise
DAMN!! Struck out again!
I hope they won't mock you in Current Events for fraternizing with the Sex and Dating people
Already on it dear. ;)
We, if I may speak for others, miss his intellegence in the room.
*scratches head*
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DAMN!! | |
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| Online Dating Guide for Men: Part One
Posted: 7/1/2005 6:19:17 AM | I expect nothing less from my friend Woody!! Oustanding babe!!! You need to come around the forums more often hon, the guys on here definitely could use your input!!
I back Woody up 100% on everything he said, but especially the intelligent thing! A guy does not have to be brilliant, but have a reasonable grasp on the English language. I have received way too many emails that made me wonder if the guy even attended high school.
Woody you are awesome babe!!! I can't wait to see Part Two!! | |
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w82b
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Joined: 5/9/2005
Msg: 12 | |
| Online Dating Guide for Men: Part One
Posted: 7/1/2005 7:37:16 AM | Except for the c**k thing, this thread should be applied to everyone.
My rule of thumb: "Prefer not to say" = 'Prefer not to bother with them" because those questions are very important in defining a person's lifestyle and/or level of responsibility. | |
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| Online Dating Guide for Men: Part One
Posted: 7/1/2005 7:51:58 AM | CHEERS WOODY..YOU HAVE NAILED IT!
I agree 100% with everything you have said...oh and one more thing...If I'm not interested, I could do without the paragraph long email berating me and calling me all kinds of lovely names questioning why I am on here if I don't want to meet "great guys" such as themselves..
REJECTION happens, deal with it. | |
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| Online Dating Guide for Men: Part One
Posted: 7/1/2005 7:59:14 AM |
and always with one larger than what I received.
You promised to stop sending my pictures out
The only thing I'd add is this, the intelligence problem is not just with men.
Sad that such a post had to be written, perhaps it should be moved and retitled. Something like "Required reading for new male 'members'?  | |
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| Online Dating Guide for Men: Part One
Posted: 7/1/2005 8:02:32 AM | LMAO!!! BINGO! That is exactly how most women feel !
And ditto with you hot4teacher... I told this one guy that I wasn't too into meeting people at that exact moment (well trying to hint that I wasn't into him more than anything) and apparently I was a huge waste of his time, a sl** and a who**, someone who'll be lonely for the rest of their life and just a total pathetic waste of space for wasting his time, while some other girl would totally go for his "hot" body. I emailed him back and asked him to take another look for that hot body cause dang I'd never seen it!
seriously, co** pics are not cool to send as an intro or anything like that.. if I'm interested in seeing it, I'll meet you, get to know you really well and make my intentions clear then...
But the whole "I love you" thing can go for chicks too... a chick I was friends with about a year ago thought that every time a guy looked at her he must be in love with her... and then she became obsessive.. so it's not just guys! | |
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| Online Dating Guide for Men: Part One
Posted: 7/1/2005 8:06:15 AM | just a few thoughts:
I agree completely with the rules Woody put up. Ladies are not illiterate, unimaginitive, humorless, dead-beat, desparate, prostitutes who view themselves as a sex object/slave for the world's men to toy with, insult, or annoy. (some women may be some of these things, some of the time; but it's up to them to decide when & with whom... and maybe a few females really are that shallow and have no self-esteem, but you really don't want to date those now do you?)
I cannot state strongly enough how important it is to read their ENTIRE profile. Pay attention to what she has said, and how she has said it. Then, when you contact her: be polite, be breif, be complimentary, and tell her why you are contacting her specificly.
"Hi wanna talk?" doesn't give her much incentive;
"Hello, I saw your profile and was facinated by _____, and thought you sounded like a lady I might like to get acquainted with. I thought your profile was smart and fun to read. By the way, we seem to share an interest in _____. Please take a look at my profile too and send me a note if you would like to chat. ps. that's a really cute/beautiful/attractive/etc picture."will probably be more favorably accepted an more likely responded to. Ladies please tell me if I'm on the right track with this.
Also; I have sent messages to a few women, and even a couple of men, with no interest at all other than complimenting them or commenting on something that I found interesting or amusing, or helpful in their profile or posts. When I do this I state clearly that I am not LOOKING for anything, but wanted to say 'hi' and noticed whatever it was, and wanted to let them know that someone noticed and appreciated them. So far every person who I have contacted dor this reason has, at least, replied with a "thank you" or such, and a couple of them have even become chat freinds with neither of us expecting more. Even if they are not who you are looking to date/incounter/love/whatever, it's nice to make freinds.
On other thing: You will notice that I stay away from too many silly internet abreviations, if you can't be bothered to type complete words and sentences why would a lady believe that you could be counted on for a complete conversation? I she means enough to talk to then do so respectfully and intelligently, and take the time to think about what you'd like to say; then say it with charm and confidence, which includes proving that you might have passed your 8th grade English class.
these are just my opinions; I appeciate any comments in agreement or disagreement. | |
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| Online Dating Guide for Men: Part One
Posted: 7/1/2005 9:13:46 AM | Hey Woody, your rules are the type of thing that I can't believe need to be said, but judging by the womens' comments, obviously do.
Your writing has a Dave Barry quality and you could probably make a living doing this.
If the women are getting such a large number of emails, guys have to figure out how to make their's stand out. I sold real estate for a while and had to write ads for the houses I had for sale. I never tried to entice anyone to check out the house by showing a picture of the toilet. I tried to take a flattering picture, but one that showed the house as it is. In the copy, I tried to highlight the best aspects of the house, but also tell the truth. You get a reputation in any context whether it is selling real estate or online dating. Also, you only get one chance to make a first impression. (Old line, but true)
I agree about the internet abbreviations. I am over 50 and When a woman in my age group does this, it reminds of a 50 year old woman wearing a thong and low riding jeans. You just can't pull it off. I am also amazed at the malapropisms in the profiles and forums.
Walking won't turn you into Charles Ajax (Charles Atlas)
I don't like gyys that wear Aqua Velvet (Aqua Velva)
It makes you wonder. | |
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| Online Dating Guide for Men: Part One
Posted: 7/1/2005 9:51:56 AM |
Remember…if a woman wants to see a picture of your d!ck, she’ll ask.
heh, I don't care how she asks it, shes not seeing it. Girls gotta work to see the goods, and in certainly isnt gonna happen over emails lol. I would disqualify her as a slut and move on.
Most of your point are common sense and I don't see why you have to post these tips for ppl that are retarded to begin with if they do them. All it does is disqualify those dorks from the rest who do have gray matter between the ears. So let them make those mistakes. Those type of emails just weed out the weak from the strong.
I don't see why your helping your competition by giving them pointers on how to meet women. Just seems like an ulterior motive of grand standing to look better yourself in a thread. Better to have a guy reveal his true self off the bat by sending something moronic and disqualified then end up a wolf-in-sheeps-clothing and disappoint her later.
You either have it or you don't. | |
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| Online Dating Guide for Men: Part One
Posted: 7/1/2005 9:53:50 AM | Adding a rule to Woody's (hope you don't mind babe):
When sending emails guys please do not ask us if we have DAUGHTERS you can date! | |
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| Online Dating Guide for Men: Part One
Posted: 7/1/2005 10:09:46 AM | [I don't see why your helping your competition by giving them pointers on how to meet women. Just seems like an ulterior motive of grand standing to look better yourself in a thread. Better to have a guy reveal his true self off the bat by sending something moronic and disqualified then end up a wolf-in-sheeps-clothing and disappoint her later.]
Well passion, I do not see the ones who are too stupid or proud to read these threads and learn from them as 'competition'.
As for ulterior motives... Not at all; my motives are completely transparent, although I do try to use some more subtle techniques, as a single man on this site I AM trying to make myself look better.
And, men will reveal their true selves regardless; but there are, perhaps, those who will pay attention, learn something, become a better man (and therefore a better date) and not disappoint her later. | |
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