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| cant get over her, and she wants to be friends
Posted: 5/2/2009 12:46:06 PM | | HI, I have dated this lady for 3 years. In the begining it was like we were in high school again. 30 years ago. We would go parking, have naughty times in a crowded parking lot. Be so playfull any where, malls, restaraunts ect. We were just crazy about each other. She is so beautiful, like shania twain and she said I was like tom cruise. 6 months goes by and we are still cray in love, a year and its getting stronger,2 years and we can't believe we love each other more now then before. We wanted to sell each of our homes and buy one together so it would be ours, as apposed to moving into one or the others original home. We wanted to wait until our kids graduated which was happening as we spoke. She picked out the ring and we were in bliss. Then 2 months after that she had no time for me. Always an excuse. I find out her ex has a terminal illness and she is helping him through this. I am told that we need a time out. Three months of that and we meet. I ask if she missed me and she says every day. I ask if she loves me and she says yes. I ask if she is in love with me and she says yes. I ask if our time out is ending and she says that she cant keep me on time out for ever so we are officially split, broken up, kicked to the curb. Does any body understand this???????? Now I find she is taking a job in a different province. But still says she misses me and loves me. ??????????????????The part I cant deal with is she says it is extemely important that we stay good friends. I am still crazy in love with her. I take all the steps to get over her and including looking for friends on this site but every time I talk to her I am swept back to the pain of the break up. I have never had such true love and mutual love before in any relationship. The thouhgts of not being together is so overwhelmingly painfull. I dont understand what got between us.How can I be friends when it hurts so much.?????? | |
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| cant get over her, and she wants to be friends
Posted: 5/2/2009 12:54:32 PM | | I feel your pain man. I have had to deal with the same thing for the last 3 years. I would say still be friends with her because now you know where her loytlys lie. I hate to sound morbid but the ex is going to die then you will still be their for her. which will show her your loyaties too. | |
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| cant get over her, and she wants to be friends
Posted: 5/2/2009 1:06:13 PM | Sounds to me like she cant commit to you fully. Sure she SAYS she is in love, etc. but doesn't seem to want to make the time to maintain the relationship. If she REALLY wanted to be with you, she would go out of her way to do so.
......I am still crazy in love with her. I take all the steps to get over her and including looking for friends on this site but every time I talk to her I am swept back to the pain of the break up. I have never had such true love and mutual love before in any relationship. The thouhgts of not being together is so overwhelmingly painfull. I dont understand what got between us.How can I be friends when it hurts so much.??????
Well, if I were you, I would NOT date since you are still in this fog with her. Remember the Golden Rule of relationships, and yes, this HAS served me quite well in the ensuing years of my being in the abyss we call dating: Once you walk out the door and say you are finished, then you are. This rule applies to both parties and is nontransferrable. There is NO going back because it leaves you in a situation that is unhealthy: on/off again relationship and you deserve so much better.
Better yet, establish the no contact rule. And stick to it. Don't talk with her, email, text or call. Block any all correspondence. You are better off this way. Trust me.
I am told that we need a time out..............I ask if our time out is ending and she says that she cant keep me on time out for ever so we are officially split, broken up, kicked to the curb. Does any body understand this????????
She is stringing you along, my friend. Golden Rule Number Two of Relationships: Never, ever wait on anyone.
I understand what you are going through totally. She used and abused you and now she has her ex and a new job in a different province, she doesn't want you. Basically, she has moved on and so should you.
What you need to do is take care of yourself, focus on what you truly and really want and go from there. In the meantime, I would recommend you NOT date while you are in your healing process. How do you do this you ask???? Well, the best thing is to get out there and get a new change of scene. Join a sporting league, a club that interests you, or volunteer somewhere. In doing this, it will not only get you out of the house, but it will give you something positive and constructive to look forward to and you will make some new friends in the process. A few words of caution: do NOT go into these new ventures with the expectation of meeting someone new. Yes, it will be awkward to embark into something new, but in time, it will give you comfort. It did for me and will for you as well.
When she decides she has time for you, you will be able to legitimately say you are way too busy and have moved on.
Remember, she made her bed, now she can lie in what's left of it......with her ex.
Don't wait for her. Take care of you. Grieve your loss, heal and move on. It's the best medicine you can give yourself at this juncture.
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| cant get over her, and she wants to be friends
Posted: 5/2/2009 2:49:26 PM | Sorry to hear about your loss. Many of us have been in a similar situation. It will take time to get over this dame but IMO both of you cannot be friends because quite frankly she is not your friend and never was. A friend does not mislead their mate or misrepresent their intentions. A friend speaks with their partner openly and aknowledges if their relationship is no longer working rather than merely walking away, taking a job in another provence and saying "let's be friends".
In short, you will need to bite the bullet and cut off all contact even though you still care for her, because she can no longer be trusted. IF she calls again make short drift of her and the conversation and move on.
BTW if you should decide to return to this relationship I assure you that it will not last long and the only thing you will feel is more bitterness and anger towards yourself for not going with your instincts and bringing this relationship to closure expeditiously. | |
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| cant get over her, and she wants to be friends
Posted: 5/2/2009 2:56:01 PM | I can appreciate your pain, but I think she's simply making you an option, not important in her world at all.
My advice, lay off the contact in ANY form. Thus far, you're allowing yourself to be swept into her turmoil as she's loyal to her Ex and his illness.
It's OK to feel pain. It's perfectly allowed. | |
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| cant get over her, and she wants to be friends
Posted: 5/3/2009 9:25:13 AM | The sad truth is that you can't be friends when it hurts so much....it's impossible.
Friendship doesn't work when one party is still in love with the other, maybe one day, once you're over the pain and have been able to move on....but not now.
I'd tell you how to move on, but I'm trying to do the same thing right now and don't even know exactly how to go about it myself.
Believe me, I know how it feels to think that you found 'the one' and then have it pulled out from under you and find out you were being played.
The guy I was seeing needed time to sort his life out ( I know..so cliche...but honestly, he does have a LOT of stuff to sort out before he should be getting into relationships )...he very much wanted to stay friends....but I couldn't do it. I tried, but it hurt too much to talk to him and be around him and not want back what we had.
Then he decided it was too hard for him too...and cut off ALL communication with me. It devastated me and it is hard, and painful and I think about him every day and dream about him every night......but hopefully soon those thoughts will come less often until they finally go away.....and I'm afraid that time is the only thing that's going to help you as well.....just don't try to do the friend thing until you are truly over her ! | |
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| cant get over her, and she wants to be friends
Posted: 5/3/2009 10:42:45 AM | | She's being honest, about not having time or energy for a romantic relationship right now. I can vouch for the fact that a terminal illness is a big deal and requires a trmendous amount of time and energy. It's putting an emotional strain on her big-time. She's not in a jovial or sexy mood, believe me. Maybe offer to help her somehow, to be with her in this trying time, no sex, no strings, just a shoulder to lean on and cry with-! She does indeed need a friend. It doesn't have to be "the end" in my opinion...just reshape and change, be more soft and sensitive, and don't expect sex for awhile. She'll be depressed after the loved one dies. | |
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| cant get over her, and she wants to be friends
Posted: 5/3/2009 11:51:48 PM | if you are still into her you can't be friends; out of sight out of mind; its up to you to make sure you get over this person by not being with them or you will tear yourself apart.
Again, move on; you will feel tons better; good luck, | |
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| cant get over her, and she wants to be friends
Posted: 5/4/2009 12:59:55 AM | | Yah you totally just have to cut off contact, Im going through the same thing. I have a girl who has been a friend for 10 years and I thought we had feelings for each other, but it seems that it was just me having feelings for her. Now to save my sanity, and deal with these feelings Ive cut all contact, it tears a person up inside to love someone so much and not have those feelings returned. But to deal with these feelings and save my sanity Im giving up the friendship at least for now, until the feelings subside. I feel used and betrayed, and it hurts but such is love and life. I really do hope that one day we can salvage the friendship but I just dont know at this juncture, I have to look out for myself first and foremost. So chalk it up for what it is move on and hope time will work things out for the best. | |
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| cant get over her, and she wants to be friends
Posted: 5/4/2009 7:50:33 AM | Mate,
I know how it feels, and these guys are right. Don't have any more contact, don't be friends and get rid of reminders of her.
Apparently learning a new skill and flirting with everyone helps you through but I'm undecided.
If she wanted you she would be there with you.
Once you much much feel better about things you can get back to a more standard relationship with her, maybe friends altho you might be happy not knowing her. | |
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| cant get over her, and she wants to be friends
Posted: 5/4/2009 11:49:16 AM | You can be polite to her, but I wouldn't initiate contact. Don't grovel, beg, plead or otherwise chase her. Whatever reason she decided to break up, it is what it is and you can't change that.
You can, however, make things a lot worse by pursuing her.
I have a hard time with the concept of being friends with an ex. I know some people can do it but I believe it's selfish on the dumper's part and only serves to keep the dumpee's hopes up (unnecessarily). I also don't think it's fair to say to someone "You're not good enough to date, but I'll throw you a bone and be friends with you!" It's like saying "Accept second, third, fourth place in my life but you'll never be #1".
The problem with that is, you as the dumpee -- as long as you are friends with her -- will always hold out hope for a reconciliation. Trust me, this is a bad avenue to traverse.
Your best bet is to cut off contact with her and move on with your life. It doesn't matter if she SAYS she loves you or she says she is IN LOVE with you. Her actions are not backing up her words. The mind creates words that lie. The heart is where actions come from (and never lies). So if she is not backing up her words with actions then you know she isn't being completely honest with you. Something smells fishy here.
In the end, it's your life to do as you please. If I were in your shoes, however, I would simply cut off all contact and move on with my life. If she really wanted to be with you, she would be. The fact that she is not tells you all you need to know.
Cheers. | |
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| cant get over her, and she wants to be friends
Posted: 5/9/2009 4:52:05 PM | It is done, sorry to tell you that.
You are no longer her priority.
Everyone deserves to have their partner treat them as their main priority (other than God)
Staying friends will prolong your heartbreak. Breaking up is hard enough without that.
Good luck,
Rob | |
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| cant get over her, and she wants to be friends
Posted: 5/10/2009 5:48:13 PM |
....just don't try to do the friend thing until you are truly over her !
Does one ever truly get over it?
It's been a year since I got the speech about how we'd never work, we are too different, and I just want to be your friend.... Even thought I've asked her to, she can't seem to stay away for more than 2 weeks before she contacts me in some way... and everytime it rips my heart open all over again!
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| cant get over her, and she wants to be friends
Posted: 5/16/2009 6:53:43 PM | | Hi Honey. I am going through the exact same thing with someone that I thought was the love of my life. We have been apart for two years and I still see him every day. He works in my building and lives around the corner, so it is inevitable. He still visits my office every morning for a cup of coffee. I have tried everything to avoid contact, but it seems that when I avoid him, he calls. In the beginning, I wanted to remain his friend because I didn't want to completely let go. But now, I realize that it is still tearing me apart inside. I don't know if I could deal with it should I find out he is with someone else. I think, no matter how hard it will be, we both need to completely let go. I wish you all the best. We will be okay. As it is said many times in this forum, it is their loss, not ours. If they cannot see what we have to offer, then they are just plain stupid! | |
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| cant get over her, and she wants to be friends
Posted: 5/19/2009 5:16:57 PM | Big 10-4 on that! Actions speak louder than words. If she is killing your relationship because of her ex's illness, then I hate to say it then she is obviously not over her ex and still has feeling for him.
Maybe I'm cold here, but when was the last time she had any contact with her ex? She hasn't been able to move on and she is probably going to loose the best thing that ever happened to her. Don't be here and miss out on the best thing that ever happened to you because you are holding out hope for her. | |
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| cant get over her, and she wants to be friends
Posted: 5/21/2009 6:15:57 AM | Hey bro
Know that did the right things (provided you did and only you know the answer there),, and be solid in that fact. Sounds like everything went the way it should until she not you messed up. That's a good thing and you should be proud of that. Many times we are the ones who screw it up so chalk one up for the guys and realize it was the right thing to do and don't change who you are because someone else couldn't pull their head out and see how lucky they were. Once you really believe that, you will have the confidence to be here friend or not be but it will be your choice not hers. Right now, she is making your choices for you. If you step back you will see that. Big no no. It's your life not hers. If you want to be friends, than do it but never forget she is not the one. Just get that through your head and everything else is easy. Easier said than done of course, but stepping away from anything lets you see so easily the truth. I think the preface to that is do you think there is a "one"? Personally I think "the one" is overrated. I think without the immature part of the idea" mrs right now" is the way to look at things. If you look back at the entire time of your relationship, she was mrs right... now. Somehow, thinks evolved and she became mrs not right now. But for the time you were perfect for each other. Does that mean she mislead you? Maybe, only you know the answer there too. But if you believe she is a good person and was true to you, then no she didn't mislead you. She just didn't realize she wanted something else. Don't let the conlusion ruin the entire relationship. You had what most of us only dream of and consider yourself lucky, be happy with it. Learn and reflect on what was so right and do things in the future based upon what you learned from this past. But remember most important- it is "the past" bro, don't let the past come into your future. Get it? no matter what you do, never let her back to where she was or you will complete the circle and end up right back where you started - letting her make your decisions for you.
Yeah, I know-sounds so dam easy right?
May the force be with you my friend. | |
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| cant get over her, and she wants to be friends
Posted: 5/21/2009 8:56:39 AM | I can relate bro...I spent 4 months in jail for a DWI for parking in my own driveway.
My lady said she would wait for me but she didn't. We were together for 2 and a half years. I still love her soooo much but she found someone else and the words "i have a date " still echo in my head since last August. I wish I could just forget but I can't.
I should be happy for her I suppose. Hang in there bro It will get better with time.
At least that's what I'm told.Now to convince my heart. Good luck !  | |
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| cant get over her, and she wants to be friends
Posted: 5/21/2009 10:10:15 AM | Its happened to me. You're not alone. All I can tell you is what a woman once told me,"If you can be friends with a woman,you can be anything." I try to always remember that. Women value friendship differently than men. It's more meaningful to them. Remember this,with friendship the door is always open. Whether she welcomes you in is a 50/50 proposition. But at least it's open and theres a chance. Do not,I repeat,do not put pressure her. It does no good. Be her friend. She knows what you want. And hope for the best. Good luck.
From a guy whose been there,Mark. | |
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| cant get over her, and she wants to be friends
Posted: 5/21/2009 10:35:58 AM | | I totally feel for you. I am in the same position and I know how painful it is. I am currently practicing the no contact method. It is so hard to cut someone out of your life that you love. I think about contacting him constantly and if not for the support of some friends and family probably would have begged and cried for him to come back several times now. I have another issue that you don't seem to have and if anyone can advise I would appreciate. I'm not able to eat. I cannot swallow food right now... and I know that I need too. Has this happened to anyone else? I'm a giant foodie in general and this is not right. | |
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| cant get over her, and she wants to be friends
Posted: 5/21/2009 11:22:26 AM | The answer is simple. You can not be friends with someone you are still in love with. Her insistence on being friends is mainly to relieve her own guilt. It doesn't benefit you whatsoever, at least right now. It's a win/lose situation.
She wins (no guilt), you lose (pain, no recovery).
If she broke it off with you then she needs to accept the consequences. That means no friendship, no contact, POOF -- you disappear from her life. Cut off all contact. No IM, no text, no calls, no cyber stalking, NOTHING.
While you implement no contact, you need to focus on rebuilding your confidence and self-esteem.
Lastly, I ask you: "What can she offer you as a friend that you can not have with a REAL friend?"
Answer: Nothing.
Cheers. | |
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| cant get over her, and she wants to be friends
Posted: 5/21/2009 12:44:38 PM | | I have to agree with kpooks on this one. Pushing for relationship at this time is just being selfish and thoughtless. Cutting her off would only prove that is your position. Offer to help! That is what she really needs at this time from what I glean from the comments. Yes, she still cares for her EX, but that is compassion for a dying person not romantic love! To top it off it won't be for long if he is on his death bed. Have a heart guy! Walk in her shoes for a bit and stop thinking about what you are missing. Go support her through this and she will love you more than ever. Cut her off and you alone have end the best thing you ever had. Your choice! | |
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| cant get over her, and she wants to be friends
Posted: 5/21/2009 8:24:07 PM | Well OP, I read it and I wondered right away. 3 years of dating!!! What would make someone date for that long? I don't know. If something seems serious, it usually goes serious within the first year I would think?
So that was my first "hmm" moment.
As sweet as it is, you aren't Tom Cruise and she isn't Shania Twain...and this is the real world. While I don't say this to be mean, I have to emphasize that relationships built on much wordy "mush" rarely ever become anything real. There is a time and place for romance, but there is never a place or time in my books for unrealistic views of each other.
So that also made me think "hmmm"...
6 months goes by...is this actually seeing each other face to face or was this an online relationship? If it was an online relationship, did you actually meet early on? or did that not happen till way later?
If this was an online relationship I think I know what went wrong. If it was a "real world" relationship...it's a bit more complicated.
You know, it's so easy to say nice mushy words to people. Words are powerful but they can also be symbols of how flaky someone is. I know some who tell themselves that "this is the one" every freaking time they get serious with anyone. Now, common logic says otherwise...
True love and mutual love...again, was this online, long distance or face to face?
Her X is dying. She's made a decision to be there for him. He probably doesn't have anyone else. What got between you is her X becoming seriously ill. Can you not imagine what that must be like? She loved this man at one time...obviously it means something to her to be there for him.
If your love for her is "true"...then yeah...you can definitely be friends with her...but if your love for her was based on what you get out of her, well...it was never true in the first place.
True love is being willing to let go of the one we love so that they can do what makes them happiest. Right now, that's taking care of her X who needs her. | |
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| cant get over her, and she wants to be friends
Posted: 5/22/2009 6:34:49 AM | Yes...me tooo. 7 break ups in 10 months. She says we are done, then starts texting me a few days later. She breaks up before important Holidays, birthdays, and spends them with her paltonic ex, then gets back with me. She is beautiful and its the best sex in my life, but this is insane.
Go cold Turkey. Your addicted to her, she is like heroin, you know its wrong, but you can't fight it. Block everything, dump your photos of your computer, burn them on a disk and but them in a storage locker. Six months from now you may be friends AFTER
you break the spell. I imagine my EX on POF doing this over and over again to unsuspecting LTR types like myself. People like this should come with a warning label!
Good luck to you in your healing | |
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| cant get over her, and she wants to be friends
Posted: 5/22/2009 7:38:23 AM | | My heart reaches out to you OP and everyone else on this thread,breaking up with someone is never easy especially when you were not the one to make the decision to leave the relationship,I don't know if being friends at this time is possible it has been 5 months for me and somedays it easy and then he will call and I get all caught up in the heartbreak again.I believe that the best thing to do is make a clean break and give yourself time to heal keep yourself as busy as you can, surround yourself with positive things and people,allow yourself to ride that wave of sad emotions don't beat yourself up over a good cry but please don't let it take control of your life,because then it will become a routine that will surely lead to depression.Peace and blessings to you. | |
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