| | What is wrong with me or is it him [ladys help]Page 1 of 3 (1, 2, 3) | lve had my last 2 relationships end the same way.1 of 2 years and 1 of 6mths
They both were good at mind games?Both heavy drinkers.Both insecure.Both didnt trust me.
So do l attract this type of man?
lm at witts end and need an honset option before l can allow myself to give another man a go.lm trying this site cause l dont get out much..ls this why l dont find diffrent men?Come on girls ask a few question and tell me a few home truths.lm desprate before l just give up.Are there real men out there we can share a freindship with that dont have hang ups? | |
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| What is wrong with me or is it him [ladys help]
Posted: 5/3/2009 3:55:05 AM | Yes!
You are finding a comfort in people that have the same traits. It's like being stuck in a zone.
Until you realize that you are a beautiful work or art that God made, you will continue to find people that will treat you like you view yourself. Like a door mat!
People will only treat us as bad as we will let them! We will expect no more than we feel we are worth!
You are worth more!
God doesn't make junk! | |
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| What is wrong with me or is it him [ladys help]
Posted: 5/3/2009 4:11:31 AM | My mother calls it the broken bird syndrome..you are attracted to people that need fixing. Usually at your own expense.
Figure out what the traits are in them that attract you and then stay clear of it...first sign of them..run! Date polar opposites for awhile till you get away from that type of men. Who knows you may end up liking one of those polar opposites along the way. | |
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| What is wrong with me or is it him [ladys help]
Posted: 5/3/2009 4:40:37 AM | Thanks you make a lot of sence
l just need advise to help me through this rough time.
l dont want a drinker nearly even not a social one because of the past.
Makes things difficult when someone really is just a rare drinker
This makes me unsure if lm missing the right person.
Thanx for your inpuy it has helped me see through some clouds | |
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| What is wrong with me or is it him [ladys help]
Posted: 5/3/2009 4:54:40 AM | I say try to find one who doesn't drink. I know it's like a needle in a haystack.
I think there are real men out there, just seems like they are so hard to find.
The ones I know are purely plantonic. | |
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| What is wrong with me or is it him [ladys help]
Posted: 5/3/2009 5:00:07 AM | Welcome to POF OP. IMO you've made a significant first step in realizing the type of man you choose to be in a relationship with. As you enter the dating scene again you can take this knowledge and discern their character traits during the dating phase. If you see any of these character traits manifested during your dates that would be your clue to back out gracefully.
Best of luck to you OP.  | |
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| What is wrong with me or is it him [ladys help]
Posted: 5/3/2009 5:00:14 AM | | I asked my professor for Abnormal Psychology about this 3 days ago, because I too seem to attract men who are just flat out fkd up. He told me people with strong, stable personalities attract people who need fixed. People who "want" to be normal but usually have the inability to be. Like one poster here said the "broken bird" sydrome. It is very true. People feed off of your strenghts, wants and desires. Most of the time they do not have ANY of that or never have. So they think by getting someone strong, it may fix them. Then they get us and cannot handle the reality! Also, if you are at all like me, you may be very caring, affectionate and want to feel needed. And these type of men do not care. They are so emotionally or mentally messed up, they just honestly do no't give a damn. I do not attract the drinkers, but I sill get the dysfunctional, unstable, barely making it ones. I will admit the last guy I met I did actually love, but I could tell he has never had "real" and probably never will. His train of thought was just too messed up for normal day to day living. There are good men out there, maybe we just need to change our ways. When we start to see a problem, pay attention to it. Do not make excuses for why the guy has this "problem" ...it means bad news. Bottom line. Good luck. And be even more careful on line. These people make profiles and half of it is not true. Occupation, wants, needs and desires. You name it, they lie...lol Sometimes I also find it to simply be bad luck and not so much who we attract. I do not know of anyone who purposly goes out of their way to find a mess. there are an awful lot of messy people out there. It is finding the truthful ones that is hard. | |
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| What is wrong with me or is it him [ladys help]
Posted: 5/3/2009 5:03:51 AM | I wouldn't say necessarily that you attract this type of man, how about you don't have enough sense to walk away earlier. Where did you meet these charmers, in bars? That is a likely place to meet someone with a drinking issue. Do you find the jealousy initially endearing and forget the misery it will cause you later? It doen't take six months to figure out someone is insecure or that they drink too much.
Look back over your relationship. There were moments that sent a chill up your spine and then you reasoned it away. Listen to it next time. | |
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| What is wrong with me or is it him [ladys help]
Posted: 5/3/2009 5:13:23 AM | I guess I'm going to have to kinda disagree with the LT.
There are different types of insecurity. A person, who attracts the insecure with their own insecurity, could just as easily attract material people who own a bunch of good things to offset their insecurity. Or workaholics who are trying to reach high status jobs, just to offset their insecurity. Or people who put others down, just to offset their insecurity.
If someone keeps finding alcoholics...well, there's a reason why you find this "type" of insecure person. There are other reasons for alcoholism than just insecurity, its more a thought process. Investigate the term, "Dry drunk thinking".
Meanwhile...for some, trying to find something social to do is difficult. Drinking is socially acceptable, its easy for anyone to do, and relaxes the inbiber. This could be the simple reason why someone finds drinkers for dating.
I have a friend who is constantly attracting drinkers. She doesn't meet them in bars, she finds them at the beach, at work, elsewhere. She appears to be fun, to have it sorta financially together, THEY see her as bringing their own life together, a sign that they are getting better.
She's also insecure, blows things out of proportion in relation to her, causes trouble for herself in order to chase after what she wants, has no hobbies or interests, spends money she doesn't have in order to buy fun, etc. See how this could be attractive to an alcoholic-minded person, a person who hopes something else will make their life complete? | |
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| What is wrong with me or is it him [ladys help]
Posted: 5/3/2009 5:21:34 AM | I'm sorry ladies, but we do attract a certain type of personality when we are out there.
Our own self worth is like a magnet. We will only feel comfortable with people that treat us the in a way that we feel worthy of. We attract and are attracted to our own comfort zone.
Their attitudes and behaviours are more than obvious from the start. When we think less of ourselves, there is no over looking or looking past things. We simply believe that that is what we are worth or thats what we deserve so we are ok with it!
The only thing that will raise a persons standards in how we receive others is to raise ourselves up.
You can argue the point all you want, but the truth of the matter is what it is.
Victims will go from one abusive type to another. Over and over. Until they do something about their own self esteem and self respect, it will repeat itself over and over. You can avoid drinkers all you want, but you will still end up with the same personality types!
Water seeks it's own level! So do people!
If you want a man of a higher caliber, you must raise your own first! | |
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| What is wrong with me or is it him [ladys help]
Posted: 5/3/2009 5:43:02 AM | Search for a man that does not drink or drinks socially.
Anyone who can't drink responsibly ....is not responsible anyway...
Remember that the next time you want to jump into a relationship. | |
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| What is wrong with me or is it him [ladys help]
Posted: 5/3/2009 5:58:59 AM |
So you need to stop blaming yourself for attracting someone whom you had NO CLUE, at the outset, who turned out to be a jerk or a **** or insecure or crazy or an alcoholic, etc., etc.
Sorry but that simply doesn't fly with the reality of life.
My problems lye within. It's my own choices that put me in shitty situations, not other people. My level of self worth and self esteem will automatically draw certain types to me.
How ? I actually seek them out. I will look at them more then others showing them I am interested or intrigued. Openly inviting them in. My vibes and physical signals give people the right away.
It doesn't matter if it's broken, needy, drunken, abusive or azzholitise. If I do not make changes with in myself, I will continue to attract the same types of personalities.
Yes. "I" attract them. Because the problem is me! So the solution is in me!
Anything else is just passing the buck and putting my own life in others hands. That all it takes to make a professional victim!
Water seeks it's own level! So do people! | |
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| What is wrong with me or is it him [ladys help]
Posted: 5/3/2009 6:08:23 AM | Boy can I relate! I "Used to" attract that sort - the 'broken wing' type .. Finally learned that when I started to "Feel Sorry" for the guy I was seeing - it was Not going to end well. Not "their" fault that they have issues or are broken, but I found where I "Was" responsible for (unintentionally) inviting them in.
I'll never forget the last one .. my "wake-up call" was when I took him to a counsellor so he could 'get some healthy self- esteem' .. lol .. Did I ever get a lecture!!! lol ..
The "Last" Broken Wing that I 'entertained' for any length of time was a doozy! He was (likely still is) alcoholic, needy, incapable of caring for himself, incapable of making a decision that was contrary to his mothers (he was in his 40's!!!) AND he had E.D.!!! I felt soooo sorry for him - it took that counsellor and his 'wake up call' to .. Wake me up!
Since then - I have done a lot of work on ME. I no longer need a fixer upper kinda guy to make Me feel good about Me! I "Had" a 'heightened' need to be needed!! I learned the difference between Pity and Attraction!
1. The book "Co-dependant No More" by Melanie Beattie was a huge help ..
2. Facing some of the crap that predisposed me to Attract Broken Wings was an even bigger help!
3. Learning 'who' I am, accepting and Loving my ownself sealed the deal.
1-2-3 .. easier to say than do - Easier to do than to repeat those old patterns.
Today - I like my own company. Sure - I'd LOVE a Partner to walk through the rest of my journey with - But I want a man who is Whole. I'm not saying 'he' can't have the odd trouble - that's just human. BUT if I find myself feeling sorry for him vs being Wow'ed by him - c ya! I will Not spend another minute with anyone who is Actively engaged in destroying their own lives .. their own selves. And You don't have to either.
sorry bout the long post .. just one more thing .. Many moons ago, when this lesson was being learned, a very wise old woman (in her 80's) told me: "-'No company', is better than 'bad company'."
I'd rather be alone than babysit. | |
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| What is wrong with me or is it him [ladys help]
Posted: 5/3/2009 6:13:28 AM | | it's not about alcohol per se, it's about addictive behavior and you would be better off looking at your own "addiction" or role in the dysfunctional relationships...call it co-dependency or whatever you like, there is something about you that needs to be dealt with first before you can undertake a healthy relationship. seek some real help in dealing with your own issues. | |
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| What is wrong with me or is it him [ladys help]
Posted: 5/3/2009 6:21:39 AM | Maybe you both attract/are attracted to people who have traits that can lean this way.
All it takes is a little caution when dating. Learn who they are before diving all the way in. Being aware of what is and isn't good for you is a good first step to avoiding schmucks. | |
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| What is wrong with me or is it him [ladys help]
Posted: 5/3/2009 6:24:10 AM | I think a lot of the problem lies in a different realm. Yes we do tend to be attracted to what we know even if we know it is not healthy. But that is only a part of the problem.
I noticed in your profile that you want to begin as friends, and if a friendship is developed to see if it can go to the next level. Maybe if you spend more time in the friendship stage interacting in group activities you will see the drinking in a different light. This form of meeting people seems to put so much expectation on people. It is like many are looking for an instant relationship. We make initial contact, share a few emails, maybe a phone convo or two, and then one or the other or both get caught up in the “is this the one” frame of mind. Then there is pressure to focus all our energy on that person. I have read countless thread in which people expect that all contact with any other potentials should stop at this stage.
It’s a hard row to hoe here as there are soo many people our age who desperately want to be “in a relationship”. But think back to the old days when we were in our late teens and early twenties, and hunting for a mate. We became acquainted with people through social interaction. Our interest was piqued and we watched that person a little from a distance…glances across the cafeteria, a dance or a party. Eventually we made contact, but it was as part of a group and we gradually figured out if there was chemistry.
Here what we do is set up a coffee date, and if there isn’t instant chemistry, one or both end up feeling rejected, and we don’t even have a friend or two present to distract us and give our self esteem a little boost. We just go home feeling rejected or deceived.
Why not try some of the POF gatherings in your area. Let anyone you are interested in know you will be attending, but go solo. I also like to attend a local singles dance from time to time. You can dance all night, and there is never any pressure to leave with someone, but always an opportunity to go for coffee after with someone you seem to hit it off with. There is often a group going so there is still no pressure to be with that one person. Seeing how someone acts in a group setting can tell you so much. Over the course of a month or two you will see if someone has a drinking problem, or a jealous streak and you can decide how to handle it. There’s nothing wrong with giving them support if they are trying to deal with the problem, but in my opinion, it is better done in the “friend” stage than in the context of a “relationship”.
As a side note; change your user name. It reeks of desperation, and is likely to attract a domineering or co-dependant type of personality. | |
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| What is wrong with me or is it him [ladys help]
Posted: 5/3/2009 6:28:26 AM |
That's about the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
I agree. Not to offend but, your the one that thought it up and wrote it!
I'm not saying you are wrong about so many of your wonderful and insightful comments.
I simply feel as though you are missing a few very important parts to your "wonderful life" scenario. That's all.
Sometimes it take more then one good idea or concept to get a wheel to turn smoothly.
Try not to be so offended and quick to dismantle something that just needs some more grease. Or in this case a few more spokes in the wheel.
The object is to help a suffering soul. The more cushion we put around it, the less chance of further impact.
But hey, Lt, I wouldn't want to challenge someone with all the answers. The point of my post was to offer to best help possible. Not get in to a pissing contest! | |
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| What is wrong with me or is it him [ladys help]
Posted: 5/3/2009 6:29:57 AM | 1: I don't drink very often. So, the first thing I find out is if a man drinks. If he drinks beer like water then I wont give him a second look. If he drinks hard liqour more than once a week I wont date him. I have never liked the state of mind a man was in when he was buzzing so it is important that my man stays mentally aware.
2: I enjoy a man who can hold his own in a conversation. This one can be hard sometimes when I have been physically attracted to a man. Eventually, not being able to communicate without using grunt words (no, yes,sweet, nice, good, uhm, whatever, etc..) is a big turn off. I figure if a guy is interested in you he will actually talk. I know there are men who are not good communicators but there are also alcoholics out there and I am not interested in being with them either.
3: I am not a beach person. I love the water. I was raised in a beautiful home on the lake in La. and used to go out in the boat by myself many mornings and just enjoy the peace and traquilty of nature. But I am not a beach dweller. So, if a guy is all about the sand and surf or spending his every weekend boating then he is not for me. It is unfair for me to involve myself with a man who likes these things when I don't.
4: I have an older daughter. She is very important to me and I enjoy spending time with her. Having said that she is all grown up and I am not interested in getting involved with a man who has school age children that live at home or spends their weekends with their dad. Respecting fathers is not the issue. I have already done my child raising, enjoyed it fully and don't want to revisit it.
5: I am not a sports fan so being a weekend widow to fishing, football, racing, baseball, basketball and soforth, is a lonely existance and not where I want to be.
OP...my point here is that I ask questions. Depending on the guys answers, tells me if he lives the kind of lifestyle I want to live. I make my choice before I get too involved with them. Have I missed the mark sometimes, sure I have but eventually I will see things with more clarity and I will bow out gracefully.
Now here is the thing:
If he drinks on occasion, likes to watch football every once in a while, fishes for a fun weekend with the boys, has kids in college, and is sometimes deep in thought so replies with a just a yes or no then I am cool with that.
It is all about choices and the kind of life you want to live OP. Make yourself a list of what you don't want in your life and the next time you are talking to a guy, gently guide the conversation into those things and see where he stands. If he goes against the grain in your world....exit the building. Make sure you have a list of the things you enjoy doing as well so that you don't by pass a man who likes the same things you do.
Well, that is my two cents worth.
Hope it helps. | |
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| What is wrong with me or is it him [ladys help]
Posted: 5/3/2009 6:40:07 AM | OP: I bet it is not that you attract a certain type of man, it is that you CHOOSE a certain type of man, which means the problem is internal to you. Most females I know receive advances from multiple men, but they make the decision who they will accept. Of course, you may be looking for men in the wrong places.
As far as the cliched "real men" line, do you mean as apposed to plastic men?
Quit your whining, which men don't find attractive, and start looking beyond the surface. | |
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| What is wrong with me or is it him [ladys help]
Posted: 5/3/2009 6:44:45 AM | help,
you apparently attract a certain type of man so it's just up to you to take the time out and figure out why as none of us can truly do that for you.
if you've been with the last guy only 6mos. then i'd say you're at least making some headway here as to at least catching on that this is an issue for you.
most of what you do is how you react to their behaviors and how much they try to pull you into accepting them just as they are. you'll realize that you probably tend to follow their lead, mood or direction and you need to stop doing that. there's nothing wrong with not doing things their way and when they want to do it. you just have to stop them in their tracks as you see it's not getting you anywhere.
you'll figure it out when you're tired of going around in circles. | |
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| What is wrong with me or is it him [ladys help]
Posted: 5/3/2009 6:49:16 AM | | Stop going out with heavy drinkers! People who are addicts, any kind of addicts are masters at manipulating people, lying to people, and are insecure with trust issues. Once you find out someone is anything more than an occasional, social drinker, that's the time to end things! | |
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| What is wrong with me or is it him [ladys help]
Posted: 5/3/2009 6:51:39 AM | | Familiar patterns in dating suggest they aren't the only problem, and please don't consider this an attack. You might want to date outside your comfort zone, being a bit more objective about the guys you date. | |
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| What is wrong with me or is it him [ladys help]
Posted: 5/3/2009 6:54:48 AM |
Do you know that most people (including girlfriends who lived with him) thought Ted Bundy was a "great guy"? And, around them, he probably was. He acted "normal." (As normal as anyone else, anyway), led a normal life, had friends and acquaintences and conducted his life in a normal fashion.
That's right. And all his nicities are what attracted the girls to Ted Bundy. But what you need to examine is what attracted Ted Bundy to those girls. Did they come up to him and say, "Hi! My name's (insert name here). I like being treated like shit. Wanna kill me?" No. There was something about them that he knew would make them easy targets. And I'd bet he'd tell you that in almost every case he knew it before they said a single word to him.
Now what the OP is talking about is not likely people who are quite as calculating that have honed their instincts in such a maner. What she's talking about is not a predatory situation. But it's still instincts drawing those people to her, and her to them. Or are you saying it's just 100% coincidence that these same kinds of people keep popping up in her life and not everybody else's? | |
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