| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/3/2009 4:25:12 PM | Hi everyone,
I need some help?
I have been going out with a girl for 10 months now and she suffers from depression. Over the months she has slowly been getting worse in my eyes because we are spending more time together and I see more of the mood swings. I feel very confused be because I do like her a lot and most of the time when its just the two of us its great. However as soon as her child and sometimes mine she just gets very stressed out and moody and says she just cant wait to be alone. I have been trying so hard to understand her illness but its starting to drag me down and and not feeling like seeing her when she has these moods. I have a feeling that my feeling like this could get worse if we took the next step and moved in together. I'm a very easy going person and dont like stress in my life so I am struggling with her illness. She is on medication but she still goes through days of highs and lows. Her moods range from just leave me alone to being very snappy at the kids and picking on every move they make. Also if we are planning to go out somewhere she changes her mind and wants to stay home because she cant stand to be with lost of people because they iratate her.
I suppose I would like to hear from anyone else that has been through this and can give advise.
Is it me with the issues of not being supportive and just stop being selfish, or will this only get worse? | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/3/2009 4:39:33 PM | Brother I really feel for you, you see I was in the same position for almost 2 years.
She just pulled the "I need a break" and truthfully I am relieved. I didn't think the break would bring that though. My X has sunken into the depths of her depression only leaving her house to go to work, and I haven't had contact with her for about a month. It's a tough thing to watch them suffer especially when there is absolutely nothing we can do to help. We were about to sell our homes and buy one together just before she dropped out, I like to look at that as good fortune that we didn't.
I have left her to herself and from what I hear through the grapevine she is in fact taking some steps with therapy and different meds. I very much hope she can sort herself out but I will admit that I don't really see a future for us at this point.
You are only 10 months into this relationship, do some heavy duty soul searching and lot's of research before you commit to anything with her. There are quite a number of depression forums online, do some reading and you will be surprised at just how many out there are in your shoes. | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/3/2009 4:48:10 PM | Your profile states you are single and looking for dating ... just a point
As for the subject, well I feel for both of you. You can't understand depression properly unless you have suffered from it, its not something you can just 'snap out of' or decide you aren't going to have that day. You have good days and bad days, the lethargy, avoidance of other people, wanting to be alone, quiet, snapping at the kids or you, all very common things, and nothing she can control but I understand it must be hard for you to live with
Maybe an assessment with her Doctor to see if her meds can be changed, arrange some sort of counselling to deal with the root of the depression. Speak to your own or her Doctor to see if there is any information/support groups available for you to get the help you need to support her through it. Regular breaks from the children will help her too, is there relatives who could help you both out on weekends?
Generally people don't suffer from depression for life, it can last years but with the right support and counselling it can be overcome.
meantime, I dont think its fair to be looking for someone else online | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/3/2009 4:52:20 PM | Thanks for your reply Forumslave
The hard thing is being a male we like to fix things and this one I cant help her with and feel usless. I think its a very destructive illness for both sides and I know I will feel like a **stard if I give up. I do have my children to think of and I dont want them to start feeling like I do if we moved in together. | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/3/2009 5:06:40 PM | | I agree with most of nats' comments, except she did break up with him, so I think he should be free to date. She makes a good point that it depression can be overcome. It is an illness, and anyone you meet can be affected by it down the road, as with any other illness. If you look at it this way, and you really care for her (sounds like you do), the relationship may be worth saving after she gets a little better. Meanwhile, I hope you've explained this (age appropriately) to your kids so they understand that she's not trying to be mean to them, but she's sick. Wish you well in your decision. | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/3/2009 5:18:19 PM | Some more information,
About 3 months after we started dating so told me about her illness as she new I was picking up on her mood swings. She told me she has suffered with this for the past 12 years and has been seeing a councilor on and off. This is so hard I'm feeling down writing about this so god knows how she has coped feeling like this for 12 years. What a cruel illness! | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/3/2009 5:37:54 PM | Hi Chappymagic,
I hope my story will help you with your dilemma. Here goes!
RUN!
My advice would be to get out while you can! A relationship is never as good as it is at the beginning, if it's bad now, it's downhill from here.
I've wasted my entire adult life (so far!) married to someone who suffers from depression. In the beginning, I didn't realise I would never be able to do anything to please him. I spent my time trying to shield my lovely kids from his hatred of all things. He hated my friends, my family, his family, his workmates, waiters (especially for some reason), shop assistants, walking, parks, animals, holidays, but more than anything else, he hated me. I blamed myself (so did he - we agreed on one thing!) and tried harder to please him, which made him despise me.
I left after being married to him for 24yrs and have discovered that I'm not the awful person we both thought I was! 
It's a huge waste of a life and my children have no happy memories of all of us together - he threw a tantrum at every special occasion. My biggest regret is not leaving sooner.
Depression is an extremely serious and debilitating illness, my heart goes out to anyone who suffers from it. It must be a living hell, to go through that sort of misery every single day. However, I am looking back on a life of misery myself and I know I'm capable of living a happy life.
My ex was able to keep up a facade until we got married, then things went horribly wrong on the honeymoon. I should have left then, but kept thinking that if only I was a better person, I could make it work. I really wouldn't want anyone else to go through that sort of misery, especially kids, we only get one go at giving them a happy childhood.
This is just my story, I'm sure other posters will give you a different perspective on the subject.
Good luck, whatever you do. | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/3/2009 6:05:21 PM | Hi Sofie,
Thanks for your reply and honesty.
The thing that most scares me is that I have not seen her at her worst and she is protecting me from it so far. I feel uneasy about moving in together because it may end up like you have written.
Last night on the phone she was very down and did not want to talk to me. So I said I will call tomorrow. I just called her and she was all happy again and looking forward to catching up tonight for dinner. Its strange I just dont know which person I will get on any given day. | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/3/2009 6:18:10 PM | Dear OP
Depression is a very ugly illness. I must say that not always one medicine can get you better. She has to report to her Dr if you and her notice that its not helping her much. The Dr. can try another one, until they find one that will suit her well.
Another advice for depression, she needs to have a good sleep. At least 8 hrs a day. Sometimes Drs. prescribe very light sleeping aid pills...just to help her sleeping thru for those needed hours.
As far as you being selfish. I would even say maybe....if you were all alone in this world. Once you have a child to care for, even part time. You are not. Your child goes first and believe it or not, her behaviour affects your child and hers. I would advise you to help her get a closer monitored treatment with her Dr. and maybe you can see her but alone. Not with your child anymore.
I wish you luck....and remember that charity starts at home.
Best wishes to you,
G. | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/3/2009 6:19:19 PM | Hey there. I thought I'd just share my two cents. As someone who has depression, maybe I can give you a perspective from the other side. Being depressed can be like hell on earth. There's no other way to describe it. There are several factors that contribute to depression. Some factors that can make it difficult to overcome include hereditary factors (yes it does run in families), unresolved emotional issues or past abuses, ongoing abuse - either emotional or physical, traumatic events happening in someone's life, and so on. Myself, I struggled for years to get help - I was very motivated to change my situation - but it took many years and a doctor-prescribed overdose before I was finally diagnosed with atypical depression and given a very old drug that has totally changed my world. I'm very stable these days, have been for a long time, but I've had to accept the fact that I'll be on medication for the rest of my life. To give you an analogy: If I go off the medication, my world gradually changes from color to black and white.
As to your situation, she definitely isn't getting the proper treatment. There could be several factors - wrong type of medication, she has something she needs to deal with and isn't, a counsellor or psychiatrist that isn't the proper one for her. The list goes on. But she has to fight for that help, which can be very difficult.
There's still a whole lot of stigma attached to mental illness of any kind. The fact that she didn't tell you right away says that SHE has an issue with the fact she has it. I'm very upfront about the fact I have it - I don't want to be with someone who has a problem with it for one thing, another is that I feel very strongly that in order for the stigma to be changed and make it easier for people to get help, we have to talk about it. I wrote an article on depression about 12 years ago - absolutely blew the lid off of the small community I was living in at the time. I was inundated with calls and letters, people thanking me for doing it.
And in your case, you have kids involved. You can't fix this for her. You can support her, but if she's not in a place to do the work herself, you need to think about yourself and those kids.
Just my two cents worth.
S. | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/3/2009 6:26:04 PM | Does she really have depression or is she just trying to end your relationship.
Depression is an insidious sickness and a parent with depression should not be left alone with children. However you have mentioned "mood swings" ... which could be bipolar disorder.
You have to be adult about this and if you are certain she is suffering from depression (and not what could also from what you describe be the desire to end a relationship with you) then you need to get someone to convince her to seek medical, phsycological and possibly psychiatric help.
You will most likely be unable to convince her of this by yourself and it may be wise for you to remove yourself from the advise altogether. the reason is that you either have or intend to have a "romantic relationship" with her. She needs to be advised by someone she trusts that has no dependancy on her or her behaviour such as a parent(although in some circumstances they may not be the right person), a sibling or a friend. | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/3/2009 6:59:36 PM | chappymagic,
you would do better to be totally alone rather than to suffer her depression.
i think even when the medications have been tweaked, it's no guarrentee that she'll be much better.
this makes me question how you missed the fact that she's a depressed person when you first met her.
if you screen good enough, you shouldn't get stuck in this type of situation.
looks like it's time to bail out if only because YOU are not happy.
why the heck are you exposing your kid(s) to her? depression may be a reality in her life and that of her kids but it doesn't have to be in your kid(s) lives. you should have more respect for your children than that.
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/3/2009 7:06:22 PM | My late husband had clinical depression due to an accident and it makes me wonder if someone cannot handle issues before they get married what in the world would they do after marriage and the spouse got cancer, became disabled etc. My husband couldnt handle being with more than a few people. Because I loved him I learned to live with it!!! Thats what love is!!! Its what for better for worse, sickness and in health is all about. While I dont know you, you dont sound like someone who can handle the hard times that a relationship brings. She deserves better.
~Beth~ | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/3/2009 7:12:25 PM | | Sadly you won't be able to fix her, she has to fix it herself. It is not uncommon for people to have this illness their whole lives. Think long and hard whether you are willing to live a lifetime of mood swings. Choose wisely. | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/3/2009 8:19:38 PM | OP, I would take Sophie's advice about not returning. Also, please consider whether your ex actually suffers from depression (5% of adults) or, rather, from bipolar illness (1%) or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD, which is 2% of adults). I mention this because, unless her therapist has spoken candidly with you, you may not know the actual diagnosis. While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks or months, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day.
In light of that difference, your statement that you have "seen more of the mood swings" in recent months is troublesome. This is so because, with bipolar disorder, 80% of adults experience mood swings occurring no more frequently than four times a year. When they occur more frequently than that they are called "radid cycling," affecting less than 20% of people having bipolar disorder. Indeed, it is much less likely to occur once a month (as you seem to imply). That is called "ultra-rapid cycling" for bipolar disorder. As to major depression, it tends to recur half as frequently as bipolar.
Hence, the faster her moods are changing, the less likely it is that the cause is bipolar. And it is even less likely (by half) that the cause is major depression (unless you are certain of that being an accurate clinical diagnosis). Instead, the cause may be BPD, a far more serious affliction that is very difficult to treat. Whereas the mood swings caused by bipolar and depression are attributable to slow changes in body chemistry, those caused by BPD are event-triggered. This means they can occur in less than a minute and at unpredictable intervals. And, as I noted above, they tend to last a day or less.
Importantly, I am not saying your ex suffers from BPD. Rather, I am saying that, if she does and you have mistaken "depression" for it, you would be running into a burning building -- with your child in tow -- if you were to return to that relationship. Hence, if you feel tempted to do so, please read about BPD on the Internet so you are familiar with the nine traits. A good place to start is http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm -- an excellent short description of what a relationship is like with a woman who has high-functioning BPD. Other good websites are BPDCentral.com and bpd411.org. You might also try speaking with her therapist if your ex approves. Yet, for reasons I explain in another forum post, the therapist is unlikely to reveal such a diagnosis to her, much less to you, if my 15-year-experience is any guide. I wish the best of luck to all four of you! | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/3/2009 8:22:05 PM | No you don't have what it takes to be her partner if it's to incovenient for you because of her "alledged" depression according to you. God forbid you got married and had a baby what if she developed post partum depression after the birth, which is pretty common after having a baby. You just gonna drop her cause it brings you down? Listen do her a favor and let her find someone that actually has some depth and will be there for good times and bad. It is a word, that you need to study up on it's called love. | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/3/2009 8:37:07 PM | Woah poster above I think thats harsh, noone has to deal with another persons issues or depression, obviously if post natal or bereaved is a different matter, a lot of people with depression can be very focused on themselves and hardwork why should anyone be obliged to 'put up' with that?, evetyone gets down and struggles noone should be subject or made accountable for another persons happiness when they are not the root cause of the issue or mistreating that person. Life is hardwork for us all why do some self pitying people not simply understand this and realise theirs not a soul on the planet without some insecurities, heartbreak or struggles in their lifetime, it's when people suss this they can pull themselves together...
Lets face it none of us are getting out alive!, pity us all!, were time dead, lol!, life is for the living only, we live once so make the most of, I say and if it's broken and he can't fix it he needs to walk away! Two unhappy people and then it effecting kids also, sorry the guy is simply using common sense! | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/3/2009 8:39:09 PM | You maybe right Beth, I may not have he strength and she maybe better off with someone else. But do I have the right to expose my children to this if I choose to stay?
Thank you to all who posted a response good and bad and I will take it on to be a better person. Just remember we all have a not so perfect side when we truly asses ourselves. | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/3/2009 8:50:36 PM | Woah poster above I think thats harsh, noone has to deal with another persons issues or depression, obviously if post natal or bereaved is a different matter, a lot of people with depression can be very focused on themselves and hardwork why should anyone be obliged to 'put up' with that?, evetyone gets down and struggles noone should be subject or made accountable for another persons happiness when they are not the root cause of the issue or mistreating that person. Life is hardwork for us all why do some self pitying people not simply understand this and realise theirs not a soul on the planet without some insecurities, heartbreak or struggles in their lifetime, it's when people suss this they can pull themselves together...
Lets face it none of us are getting out alive!, pity us all!, were time dead, lol!, life is for the living only, we live once so make the most of, I say and if it's broken and he can't fix it he needs to walk away!
Umm if you are referring to me, that's what I said hello?  Heck maybe this guy could have his own reality show like Rock of Love, Flavor of Love ad nausuem since he can't find love; and he can find something wrong with the next one, and the next one, and the next one after that. It goes right along with our disposable society, chuck it in the trash if it stops rubbing you the right way.
We don't know if this woman has depression or if there is anything even wrong with her. This is this guys uneducated guess, so please spare me the, "that is a bit harsh" crap | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/3/2009 11:00:04 PM | Uneducated I am about mental health and thats why I asked for some understanding on here.
Yes she does suffer from Mental Health and she is on medication from doctors advice. She has not told me what she suffers from even though I have tried.
Kindredpage, you are entitled to your own opinion and I have not attacked you for it so please dont attack me and other people for having there own views, you above all should know no one is perfect. | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/3/2009 11:08:06 PM | go...run...leave now. Find someone who can put a smile on your face. Depressed people need to be with their own kind. Happy people need to stay that way.
Debbie downer can spoil your life...if that is what you want then go for it...otherwise retreat...and fast. | |
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| Relationship with someone that suffers from depression
Posted: 5/3/2009 11:30:37 PM | OP,
Seems to me that yr friend is in a little bit of a denial state if she doesn't tell you exactly what she has and you are in a relationship. JMO
Also, you have the right to stay in this deal. Now about exposing your kids to it, tou have the choice to do it or not do it. Just be aware that it could mean permanent effect on their personalities and unfortunately kids are like sponges, they absorb all that happens around them. Plus you say she get uneasy around the kids ( hers and yours) after a while. That's not good at all. Kids could feel unwanted.
If you decide to leave, you are not selfish. We really need to see whats best for us and our family (kids), No one can blame you for that. | |
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