| Their families and friends......
Posted: 5/7/2009 11:49:09 AM | I have a question for my age-peers.  This may be something that happens to people of all ages, but I don't recall it happening when I was younger. Say, you meet someone (whether online or off) and within a very short time period, they begin talking about you meeting their family (parents and children) and friends. I don't mean a casual mention of this, I'm talking about it being first and foremost on their agenda. Is this the norm now (or has it always been, maybe?) I don't quite understand the urgency. Isn't the beginning of something meant to be a "getting to know about YOU" period more so than a "You will be getting to know everyone in my world" period? I don't introduce anyone to my son, extended family members to anyone early on unless it's strictly a platonic situation. I've not been in a relationship that I felt warranted anyone in my life meeting "him" for many years. Can someone enlighten me, please. Maybe I'm missing some key reason to do this early on.  | |
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| Their families and friends......
Posted: 5/7/2009 12:00:29 PM | | Some people rush to couple-dom and feel establishing themselves as a couple ASAP somehow guarantees they'll stick together. They feel as though they've made their intentions known by including family and friends, and therefore would be more included to "make it work". I wouldn't call that the norm. I'd consider it closer to desperation and denial. | |
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| Their families and friends......
Posted: 5/7/2009 12:27:25 PM | I once had someone suggest, for a second date, that I accompany him to his dad's birthday party - meet the whole clan! Too soon (especially with his 9 year old daughter involved).
I agree - I think sometimes want someone in their lives, and make someone a part of their lives - before they know if they really do mesh with that person. Just makes it messier all around, IMO. | |
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| Their families and friends......
Posted: 5/7/2009 12:41:49 PM | That sounds like an awful lot of pressure to put on someone right out of the gate.
The good news is - once you covey your apprehension, you’ll get a first hand look at how they handle adversity. | |
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| Their families and friends......
Posted: 5/7/2009 1:01:48 PM | I lived with my mom when I was younger, so most people met her. Now that I am divorced, I haven't taken anyone to meet her unless I thought our relationship was going somewhere.
I know I am different. | |
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| Their families and friends......
Posted: 5/7/2009 1:16:05 PM | I'm totally with you. I don't get it either.
I recently dated a woman once -- we met at a restaurant for dinner -- and suddenly she was talking about having me over to meet the family at a huge, private party. I was so *not* ready for that!
And I agree with you, too, re: kids. I'm going to have to be pret-ty darn serious with someone before they meet my children. I absolutely favor discretion. | |
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| Their families and friends......
Posted: 5/7/2009 1:31:19 PM | I would prefer to be a couple who gets to know each other as a couple before I have to do the whole family interrogation. I want to be comfortable with my partner and know why I am there before I run the family gauntlet.
I don’t know, maybe I’m scared to be a family and friends with another group of friends and family. It is pressure though. | |
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| Their families and friends......
Posted: 5/7/2009 1:54:29 PM | | I haven't had that happen to me yet. In the past, it has evolved naturally and, usually, after the family got to know (from him) a bit about me (and me about them). If, however, it's been months and months - with no mention of meeting anyone - I start to wonder what's going on. | |
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| Their families and friends......
Posted: 5/7/2009 2:57:07 PM | I think some people simply "click" & that person is a part of their life. Of ocurse, I can see it being a problem, is it's not mutual/reciprocal. You need to be somewhat
on the same page about these things. | |
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| Their families and friends......
Posted: 5/7/2009 3:07:56 PM | Early on - I would not try to set it up (like meet people in my life) but .......
I would also not hide it. If (for example) one of my daughters (I have two married step-daughters) ask me over for dinner .... I might say "ok if I bring a friend?".
I can understand people with kids pre-teen or even teen, feeling it is WAY too early - but ..... in my case my girls are 28/30. | |
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*Don*
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Joined: 1/30/2009
Msg: 12 | |
| Their families and friends......
Posted: 5/7/2009 3:10:58 PM | My personal method of solving this problem is that I don't tell anyone, even my closest friends, about potential relationships until they've either not panned out or until we've become a committed couple. No one knew about the woman I'm with now until months and months after we'd met. My friends noticed that I was a little happier than usual and not around much on weekends, but I'd just explain it away with a casual: "I've been busy." I suppose it has to do with the fact that I've always been part of the entertainment industry, but to me, my private life is just that -- private.
I dated a woman shortly after I got on this site who had four or five of her friends on her front porch with her when I showed up to pick her up for our first date. Although we did enjoy our afternoon, that opening porch scene did it for me -- too much, too soon. And although I don't like to prejudge from minimal information, I do believe that those that try to include their family and friends quickly in a new potential relationship, are doing so to try to use these things to help build or hold on to the relationship. And most people that I've known that have done this, have had their new relationships fail because they've tried to build it on things outside the relationship.
Of course, this is just my opinion ... and not meaning any disrespect to anyone else who might think differently ...
D | |
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| Their families and friends......
Posted: 5/7/2009 3:13:40 PM | Some of it is cultural...when I was living in NY you got to know the family/relatives/friends very quickly...it was no big deal...basically just another person at the table. So I never thought twice about going and meeting the bf family all the hugging and kissing going on ...sign me up.
Moving to the south and then back to calif...is not so touchy feely. I have hardly ever brought anyone around my family...the great inquisition...is not what they nor I need. And especially children...I'm so protective of my doggie I couldn't imagine what I would be like if I had a child... | |
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| Their families and friends......
Posted: 5/7/2009 3:24:30 PM | Not sure what "short time period" is in this case, but you are not comfortable with it.
Decline, doesnt sound normal for anyone over 35. Does Mom have to approve, sister?
Is he desperate ? Sounds strange. | |
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| Their families and friends......
Posted: 5/7/2009 3:40:05 PM | | It will vary between couples. I think what will matter is the setting, how long I've known my man, and how I'll be introduced. If it is his kids, and should they be young, that's not going to happen for a very long time. | |
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| Their families and friends......
Posted: 5/7/2009 3:52:08 PM |
Early on - I would not try to set it up (like "meet people in my life") but .......
I would also not hide it. If (for example) one of my daughters (I have two married step-daughters) ask me over for dinner .... I might say "ok if I bring a friend?".
I can understand people with kids pre-teen or even teen, feeling it is WAY too early - but ..... in my case my girls are 28/30.
I agree with you, Ron.
Except my 'kids' are 30, 34, and 36. | |
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| Their families and friends......
Posted: 5/7/2009 4:42:15 PM | | I do not want to introduce anyone to my family unless I have had time to decide if he is a keeper for a long time. It is desperate and needy, to me, to want to put your stamp of ownership on someone early on before youy really even know one another. | |
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| Their families and friends......
Posted: 5/7/2009 5:10:49 PM | *Stamp of Ownership*....good way to describe this phenomenon, Amethyst!
One guy appeared to be introducing me to his children and extended family so the message would get back to his X-wife that HE had a life too.
My kids are in their twenties. One still lives with me while he completes a degree. They worry about my safety and well-being so I have and will continue to introduce them to new friends in my life......male and female. I've always encouraged my sons to bring their friends home and don't see why it shouldn't work that way for me too.
Chances are if I want to spend time with a new friend he'll be over at my house before too long for a meal or watching a movie just because it's very expensive these days to go out and stay out on a date!
SARL | |
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| Their families and friends......
Posted: 5/7/2009 5:18:39 PM |
verygreeneyez :I have a question for my age-peers. This may be something that happens to people of all ages, but I don't recall it happening when I was younger. Say, you meet someone (whether online or off) and within a very short time period, they begin talking about you meeting their family (parents and children) and friends. I don't mean a casual mention of this, I'm talking about it being first and foremost on their agenda. Is this the norm now (or has it always been, maybe?) I don't quite understand the urgency. Isn't the beginning of something meant to be a "getting to know about YOU" period more so than a "You will be getting to know everyone in my world" period? I don't introduce anyone to my son, extended family members to anyone early on unless it's strictly a platonic situation. I've not been in a relationship that I felt warranted anyone in my life meeting "him" for many years. Can someone enlighten me, please. Maybe I'm missing some key reason to do this early on.
Define what a very short amount of time is. If its within a week, they may simply be comfortable with you and feel its safe to have you meet family and friends. Interesting to me is how many women in the POF forums complain that the guy seems to avoid having them seen around friends and family. Making them wonder if hes married.
~Beth~ | |
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| Their families and friends......
Posted: 5/7/2009 6:56:15 PM | | lol I was talking to this man who lives far far away from me and he was telling me about some of the *dates / meets he goes on...he takes them by his mother's. She got mad at him cause of the number of different women he was coming by with. I finally figured it out, he wasnt serious about any of the women he was just doing it to screw with mom's head. | |
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| Their families and friends......
Posted: 5/7/2009 7:00:41 PM |
Define what a very short amount of time is. If its within a week, they may simply be comfortable with you and feel its safe to have you meet family and friends. Interesting to me is how many women in the POF forums complain that the guy seems to avoid having them seen around friends and family. Making them wonder if hes married.
Nope, Mizz Beth? I strongly disagree with that comment. Within a week? Give me a break please. You haven't had the time to get to know each other, never mind the families. And especially children! I have never brought a man home here unless he played an important part in my life. Too much on my kids! This post reminds me of a man that I dated a while back. Earrings on the second date, pushing to get kids and his family to meet up. Gawd! Talk about needy! I say take your time. Know each other before you introduce others, especially children. | |
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| Their families and friends......
Posted: 5/7/2009 7:34:35 PM |
The good news is - once you covey your apprehension, you’ll get a first hand look at how they handle adversity.
Oh yes I did. It wasn’t pretty.
I think some people simply "click" & that person is a part of their life.
I agree. I met my ex’s Mom on our second date. It was a chance encounter (we ran into her without planning to) and the introduction was simple. Short, polite and over. I didn’t see her again for about a month. There was no weirdness whatsoever.
If, however, it's been months and months - with no mention of meeting anyone - I start to wonder what's going on.
I’d likely wonder as well.
My personal method of solving this problem is that I don't tell anyone, even my closest friends, about potential relationships until they've either not panned out or until we've become a committed couple.
Personally? I like the way you do it. Certainly keeps things “clean” in the event it doesn’t work out for whatever reason.
I dated a woman shortly after I got on this site who had four or five of her friends on her front porch with her when I showed up to pick her up for our first date. Although we did enjoy our afternoon, that opening porch scene did it for me -- too much, too soon.
I relate. My first situation that brought this question about was similar (not a first meet/date, second) 40 of his closest friends were also there (literally ~ 40+) I’m painfully shy ~ it was just wretched. Not the people ~ most were very nice, welcoming, etc., but it felt like being in a petri dish.
Does Mom have to approve, sister?
LMAO !!!! Yes !!!!! Ha. Two different guys ~ same exact scenario.
stamp of ownership
Human fire hydrants. 
Define what a very short amount of time is.
The first time this happened, it was date #2. It was a planned outing and he neglected to mention that the “friends” we were going with were actually 40 of his friends. I knew about another couple and her daughter ~ the others? Complete surprise to me. The other individual that made me wonder about this was after that situation. I hadn’t even met him in person. His questions on the phone had me declining to meet in person long before we’d even discussed when/where to meet.
Interesting to me is how many women in the POF forums complain that the guy seems to avoid having them seen around friends and family. Making them wonder if hes married.
I’ve seen this as well. It’s not happened to me personally, at least not at this stage of my life.
~OT~ Thanks everyone. This has been eye-opening and I appreciate the varied opinions/thoughts. For me personally, I’m not fond of meeting family, friends early on. Nor do I introduce anyone to those that I love, until there is a really good reason to do so. I’ve ran into my son a time or two while on a date, and of course, there were introductions. Since I now live in a different city, it’s unlikely he’ll meet anyone for a LONG time. The man that I hadn’t even met yet spoke of things that simply should not have been discussed for a long time (at least in my mind.) “My family” this and that and this and that, and “you’d do that, wouldn’t you?” stuff. Stuff that included his family on a constant basis. I felt like he was saying, “You’ll be in my world, better get used to it. This is our schedule of events and you'll need to participate even if you aren't comfortable.” and this was before I’d even seen him in person. It was nothing I was even remotely interested in. JMO  | |
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| Their families and friends......
Posted: 5/7/2009 7:43:45 PM |
moonchild48 :Nope, Mizz Beth? I strongly disagree with that comment. Within a week? Give me a break please.
Ron and I knew each other 48 hrs when we got married in '66. He died in '04. So yes, a person can meet and click, and have it work. Of course we were single sans kids when we met.
~Beth~ | |
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| Their families and friends......
Posted: 5/7/2009 8:24:52 PM | | I have had this happen to me, and it's really uncomfortable. He kept asking if I had told my family about him, 2nd date, and on the third wanted me to go out with him and his family. He kept pushing me, even after I explained I wasn't comfortable with meeting his family, or having him meet my family so soon. He was so persistant, that I just stopped dating him. Gave me the creeps actually. | |
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| Their families and friends......
Posted: 5/7/2009 8:39:41 PM | .
I had a best friend insisting I meet her latest boyfriend. Then.. one night she called me. We hadn't really had any time in the few months before the phone call to talk at all. Every second of her life had been wrapped around her new man. I understood she was moving into a new house with him.. she has three kids.. it was time consuming. So.. she squeezed this call in around 9:00pm one night. We talked for about a half an hour.. when all of a sudden.. I heard this screaming and cursing. I knew just who it was.. as she was "explaining" herself to the new boyfriend.. as to why she was on the phone.. and not spending time with him! WTH??? Then.. he began insisting he meet me! I told her in no way did I want to meet such an @zzhole! I told her if she wanted to be with someone that controlling.. good for her.. but.. I was NOT interested in meeting with him one iota! I think I'd probably flip-out on him for being such a jerk! I later broke all ties with this BFF(?).. as I began seeing some very undesirable statements and pictures on a site she allowed her kids to visit. Just made me wonder.. what was going on in that house with that neanderthal and her minor children!
I don't see why people feel a need to insist on meeting the person you're dating.. anymore than I understand why people feel the need to "show-off" their date!JMO | |
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