| Conflict with commitment = change
Posted: 5/9/2009 6:32:36 PM | Topic
Conflict with commitment = Change
What kind of change? It's up to the individual. Without conflict, we can't grow...there is no testing of our pretenses.
(We can just stay our perfect little selves...people who really know and love us....will call us on that one!)
Conflict brings out a side of ourselves that needs to be looked at, by us, in ourselves.
The reason others may not be appreciated at times, may be because we haven't grown to that point of 'appreciating'...yet.
There may be something in us that needs worked on individually...all of us who tend to run away, when things don't go the way we want them too, most likely are avoiding the conflict that may, (if we face our reasons) help us to grow as a more tolerant person.
"Singles", rarely live the conflict that comes with living with a spouse and/if/or children...so in a sense, they have stopped a continuation of growth that requires conflict. (Even with co-workers....you don't have to take them home with you!)
The work in resolving conflict,(if done in an unselfish way), helps us grow further in self, and human understanding.
Some will say they have it made...but many singles seek relationships...but no matter how wonderful that person may be, conflict undoubtedly will arise!
So, in order not to live, "revolving door relationships"....we must see that "conflict" is not necessarily a thing to be avoided...and flee when times get a bit rough.
Instead, see the defect that is in ourselves first...and see our relationship as being successful....and grow together in this understanding.
That's the secret many old couples will tell you!
note
This does not apply to relationships that involve abuse in any way, shape or form. This has to do with the dynamics of two individual persons/personalities and the silly things we often let build up and destroy loving relationships...simply due to our 'need' to have things our way...or our relationships our way, and a set time period we may give ourselves.
We can realize growth, or go. It sure would take the commitment!
Hope I have learned enough to make my next relationship, my final relationship!
What are your thoughts on this? | |
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| Conflict with commitment = change
Posted: 5/9/2009 6:52:38 PM | i want to know why guys have such a issue with committing to 1 woman. I haven't fount 1 guy that hasn't had a commitment phobia. its sickening, is there no hope? :/
:modhammer: | |
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| Conflict with commitment = change
Posted: 5/9/2009 8:05:53 PM |
Oh and stop looking for that "final relationship" , this can only lead to heart ache and disappointment. Just enjoy whatever comes along for you.
I totally agree with this statement. I am in a relationship with a man whom I adore and who adores me. We will probably never see each other more, live in the same town let alone the same home, but we are so enjoying what we have...it's been 17 months now and it's still heaven.  | |
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| Conflict with commitment = change
Posted: 5/9/2009 8:22:44 PM | Hmmm... I think I'd call that marriage.
Where you publicly announce to your family, friends and God (if you believe) that you promise to be committed to working out whatever conflict arises...
for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health... | |
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| Conflict with commitment = change
Posted: 5/9/2009 8:32:18 PM | | Conflict resolution is a skill that can be learned and that when used properly greatly improves the success of relationships of all kinds. It also provides an arsenal of concepts that can be perverted as debasing arguments when used against a domestic enemy. The subject scares me unless the woman who is raising it is swaying her hips at the time. | |
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| Conflict with commitment = change
Posted: 5/9/2009 9:33:27 PM |
Without conflict, we can't grow...there is no testing of our pretenses.
I have to disagree with this statement. It's akin to saying: "I work better under pressure". An erroneous statement.
It may be true for some; without conflict/pressure they will choose not to enhance there life but if they trained themselves to be proactive and honest with themselves they wouldn't need the pressure/conflict to induce possitive action.
As for the rest of the post I would agree that personal growth cannot be achieved without introspection.
Also, one really needs to think about the flight or flee response held within everyone (including themselves). It's hardwired into us...and hard to get away from. | |
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| Conflict with commitment = change
Posted: 5/9/2009 9:35:38 PM | farceur.....yes
But if you find your self always at conflict with the other person, then somethings wrong, and maybe you should not be with the
That's what I mean by, both have to be willing...it would never work if it was one sided.
So many people throw in the towel for selfish reasons instead of looking into themselves to see if that's where the problem lies.
If both would practice this...I think more people would stay together.
(Not saying it always works though.)
I know lot's of folks who have said, even here, that they probably would have handled things much differently with a past relationship...that it was really pretty good.
Also...Landra had it right. What I mean by 'final relationship' is, marriage. | |
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| Conflict with commitment = change
Posted: 5/9/2009 10:07:33 PM |
best kept secret : Conflict with commitment = Change
What kind of change? It's up to the individual. Without conflict, we can't grow...there is no testing of our pretenses.(We can just stay our perfect little selves...people who really know and love us....will call us on that one!) Conflict brings out a side of ourselves that needs to be looked at, by us, in ourselves. The reason others may not be appreciated at times, may be because we haven't grown to that point of 'appreciating'...yet.
There may be something in us that needs worked on individually...all of us who tend to run away, when things don't go the way we want them too, most likely are avoiding the conflict that may, (if we face our reasons) help us to grow as a more tolerant person. "Singles", rarely live the conflict that comes with living with a spouse and/if/or children...so in a sense, they have stopped a continuation of growth that requires conflict. (Even with co-workers....you don't have to take them home with you!)
The work in resolving conflict,(if done in an unselfish way), helps us grow further in self, and human understanding.Some will say they have it made...but many singles seek relationships...but no matter how wonderful that person may be, conflict undoubtedly will arise! So, in order not to live, "revolving door relationships"....we must see that "conflict" is not necessarily a thing to be avoided...and flee when times get a bit rough. Instead, see the defect that is in ourselves first...and see our relationship as being successful....and grow together in this understanding.That's the secret many old couples will tell you!
note:This does not apply to relationships that involve abuse in any way, shape or form. This has to do with the dynamics of two individual persons/personalities and the silly things we often let build up and destroy loving relationships...simply due to our 'need' to have things our way...or our relationships our way, and a set time period we may give ourselves. We can realize growth, or go. It sure would take the commitment!Hope I have learned enough to make my next relationship, my final relationship! What are your thoughts on this?
Conflict is actual/perceived opposition of needs, values and interests from what I understand. So I am not sure everyone has conflict in their lives. As we grow we grow up we meet people, learn from them, meet new people, learn from them and become better people. Some people may choose losers and as such have conflict in many forms. But what about those who make wise choices and appreciate the experience and stay friends even after one moves on because of work, education, or other responsibilities?
And not all people run away or bail when things don't go their way. Reason being that some people learn from an early age, how to make wise, responsible choices and how to take calculated risks. As such life is a wonderful life affirming experience. It's what separates those who have a positive way of living and thinking, from those who make excuses and never break the cycle that makes life so dang hard. As Auntie Mame said 'Life's a banquet and most SOB's are starving to death'.
~Beth~ | |
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| Conflict with commitment = change
Posted: 5/10/2009 2:24:42 AM |
What are your thoughts on this?
I think you are trying to rationalize the irrational and know for a fact that most Buddhists would disagree with your assessment.  | |
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| Conflict with commitment = change
Posted: 5/10/2009 4:19:57 AM |
What are your thoughts on this?
At the moment my thoughts are, after reading your topic, that I cannot fathom the reasons behind creating this sort of presentation of your opinion without really seeking feedback of any sort other than your own point of view or perspective.
You've placed this really well thought out position here in the relationships forum, but I feel as though I've simply been hearing a lecture to budding psyche students on Conflict, committment and your perceptions.
To "bold" the words TOPIC and NOTE implies this is some sort of educational attempt for the members of POF on your point of view.
Are you by any chance a teacher or lecturer? Or what?
No need to respond, rebutt, or justify your post, I was simply sharing my thoughts on the post. | |
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| Conflict with commitment = change
Posted: 5/10/2009 5:23:01 AM | OP, have you been the one who has been stubborn...or has it been your partner?
This works only if both parties agree to compromise, accept and change.
Too often, there is one giver and one taker.....and the giver will be miserable, feeling as though he or she is trying to rehabilite a house only to constantly have a storm level it to the bare foundation.
Wow! Is that a metaphor? I went to grade school graduated, too.
In short, you need the right person as well as the right approach. | |
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| Conflict with commitment = change
Posted: 5/10/2009 6:07:01 AM | Conflict in this sense does not mean the warfare but the fact of opposing need. War is when you want to win because losing would suck. This is what people sometimes think of as conflict because war is sometimes called, "armed conflict". Indeed, the two armies are in conflict, each wanting something that precludes the other getting what the other wants.
If your idea of conflict is that it amounts to war, is bad, is to be avoided, then you will avoid it and ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist. But conflict is bound to happen, so the only question is, how do you deal with it when it does?
Conflict resolution begins with the two opposite stands and the question, what third option would satisfy the the needs behind those two stands? The idea is to state the case then explore the reasons to come up with the solution that if it was obvious would have solved the problem already.
In a relationship if you make the commitment to resolve conflicts then you solve problems instead of putting up with things that never change, and you become partners in the sense that you work side by side making your life together better for both of yourselves, instead of arguing about who should give in and who is right, and so on. This is how people grow and change together instead of growing apart because they changed unto themselves as individuals. Most of the single people here who have had multiple relationships are the kind who solve problems by starting and stopping relationships, not within the relationships they have. They are conflicted within themselves being single, wanting someone but also not wanting someone, and then when they do get together they remain conflicted and the relationship is a series of conflicts, leading them back to being single again.
I want my next girlfriend to be all about growth and change through conflict resolution, as long as it gets her excited and she wears flowing dresses on breezy days. You can't separate sex from the gender peace process or the motivation flounders. My not getting laid is always going to be a source of conflict that however it will get resolved must include my getting laid. From there, grow and change however you want, in any direction, it's all good as long as I am getting some. I can adapt as needed when sufficiently motivated. | |
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| Conflict with commitment = change
Posted: 5/10/2009 8:41:59 AM |
The reason others may not be appreciated at times, may be because we haven't grown to that point of 'appreciating'...yet.
This comment is mind-boggling. In the beginning of a relationship, does not one appreciate the other because they like them a human beings? Are we talking about score cards and if you've pulled those out, sorry, in the early stages this shouldn't happen because both parties should want to "do" for the other.
Like anything else, what you are talking about is balance. Some relationships should be abandoned early when one finds that the person is disingenuous or otherwise creates a level of conflict you prefer to not have in your life.
Change is constant and avoiding conflict impossilbe. Frankly, if you seek the latter you are not really living. What you can or will do about the change is a personal choice.
And I agree with the final relationship thing. This creates the potential for you to be evaluating every single person you meet as living up to that ultimate ideal, a sure recipe for problems just as much as running from the first flaw. | |
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| Conflict with commitment = change
Posted: 5/10/2009 8:47:53 AM |
If your idea of conflict is that it amounts to war
That is not what I meant, and surprised that that's where minds are going directly.
Conflict resolution begins with the two opposite stands and the question, what third option would satisfy the the needs behind those two stands? The idea is to state the case then explore the reasons to come up with the solution that if it was obvious would have solved the problem already.
Yes!
Too often, there is one giver and one taker.....and the giver will be miserable, feeling as though he or she is trying to rehabilite a house only to constantly have a storm level it to the bare foundation.
My point, it that it doesn't have to be that way...
GoneSailinBabe....what you imply about me is not what I intended at all!
I have always enjoyed your post....but you must be assuming I'm mean-spirited in some way. I did not mean to come across that way...only bringing up a new way to think of conflict (as not a war) but even as small as everyday matters that tend to build up in ourselves.
Conflict is actual/perceived opposition of needs, values and interests from what I understand. So I am not sure everyone has conflict in their lives.
Thanks, ZenBeth....conflict can just be the action of another that may frustrate us.
(like, what I'm causing, I guess!) :)
The saying, "They bring out the worst in me"...may not be because someone is particularly 'bad', but maybe because we need to lighten up on behalf of an others actions...it may be something we need to work on in ourselves.
OP, have you been the one who has been stubborn...or has it been your partner?
This works only if both parties agree to compromise, accept and change.
Yes...many years ago I see we both were, and neither of us did a good job.
Conflict....it can be with children not minding and frustrating you to acting in ways that just don't match up with how you want to see yourself.
Conflict...it can be a neighbor not minding his/her actions or property the way you seem fit.
Conflict...it can be the way your spouse has forgotten something, like a chore, an event or a habit they may have or an opinion that doesn't match yours.
*
I sure did not mean this to offend anyone. I sense a lot of anger from of these post. I also never to meant to imply that I knew something some others did not. I do feel it has been a new way of looking at relationships and life...and it has been something I have pondered and wanted to share....that's all. | |
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| Conflict with commitment = change
Posted: 5/10/2009 9:07:19 AM | Best Kept, your post is very good and insightful. Anyone who is angered by it might just be afraid to look a themselves in a real why and understand why "their" relationships have not worked out. And GOD forbid, how their behavior may have had something to do with the demise of their relationship.
Over the past few years, I have done a lot of soul searching as to why my relationships have ended and I can tell you my role in every one of them. Some people just can't do that, they are too busy blaming it on the other person.
It is very hard to look deep into yourself and admit your faults and your contributions to the demise of a relationship, but the thing is this, until you admit your role and own up to your faults and contributions, you will never be in a healthy relationship. Some people just can't look at themselves in a real way. | |
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| Conflict with commitment = change
Posted: 5/10/2009 9:29:55 AM | I have always pointed out, oysters would never make pearls, if the procedure wasn't merely a response to the discomfort caused by a grain of sand that got into the shell.
discomfort is what gets us to do something. Otherwise, why would we ever fix what isn't broken?
THIS, unfortunately for some, is why commitment doesn't occur. To say it plainly, if a woman gives the man the milk for free--why should he bother to buy the cow? Until she really, and I mean really, disappears to find someone who wants to buy the cow, there's no reason to mess with whatever situation is allowing the milk to still flow.
It always amazes me how many attractive women are afraid of being alone. Its why they stay. Well, not the only reason  some have found a man like them--afraid of rocking the boat, b/c they are afraid of what they may find.
Running from a relationship SHOULD be based on a simple measurement--are you being respected, or are you not? You don't need a definition of what constitutes abuse, then. Are you being respected, or not?
The problem, of course, lies in the fact that so few really know how to respect themselves...so they can't compare that to how others treat them, and decide if its just as respectful as they treat themselves. | |
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| Conflict with commitment = change
Posted: 5/10/2009 9:57:41 AM |
Conflict with commitment = Change
Yes, almost by definition. Except the definition of commitment here is NOT what women normally mean by commitment. Also if you make the wrong commitment, the change is going to be unpleasant/negative. Judging from your thread, you seem to equate change and growth - but they are not directly related. Some change results in contraction.
In that equation commitment means "Yes, I am going to do this", whatever "this" means. For example, "I'm going to go to the gym 3 times a week". In other words, "I'm adding or subtracting 'this' to/from my daily routine/plan/life".
What most women mean by commitment is a promise about the future and how I'm going to treat you in the future, without any consideration of how you are going to treat me. It's like writing a blank check and assuming the other person (often a stranger) will be reasonable about the among they will write down before they cash it.
Also there is a huge difference in making a commitment to one self, and making a commitment to another person, who's feelings, reasoning, desires and beliefs are out of one's control.
All commitments to another person ought to be conditional. And no commitment should be a promise about the future.
Any persons who tells another, "I love you no matter what", ought to see a shrink. What they really mean is, "I love you as long as you love me."...which is a condition, and a damn good one.
It's also worth to mention that a conflict in this context can mean:
1) Conflict within oneself.
2) Conflict with another person.
The equation rarely works if we assume 2)... which is why this equations should not be applied to relationships, at least not without great deal of hesitation.
i want to know why guys have such a issue with committing to 1 woman. I haven't fount 1 guy that hasn't had a commitment phobia. its sickening, is there no hope?
Because after the guy makes a commitment, a lot of women don't hold their end of the commitment. It has been known for ages that once a guy commits, the woman slowly beings to withhold sex. And even though the relationship might not be based on sex, without sex, the relationship will likely end, or if the man is whipped, enjoy a life long days of blue balls... neither of which are something to look forward to.
Also, by commitment, women mean more than just, "Be with me, and no other". That's just the tip of the iceberg. It's almost always "Be with me, and no other, and, and, and, and, and, and....", and of course, the "and, and, and, and" part is almost never revealed up front... for if it was, no one would sign up. | |
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| Conflict with commitment = change
Posted: 5/10/2009 10:01:30 AM |
Without conflict, we can't grow...there is no testing of our pretenses.
Smooth seas never make a good sailor. | |
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| Conflict with commitment = change
Posted: 5/10/2009 11:07:10 AM |
It has been known for ages that once a guy commits, the woman slowly beings to withhold sex
I think you must live in a different world than my friends and I. When I'm in a committed relationship, this aspect of it is much more free and fun.
I think what's more likely is that once a guy commits, he stops "wooing" his partner and takes them for granted, thereby the desire on the part of the woman diminishes. | |
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