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| I feel like I've lost my soul
Posted: 5/10/2009 2:03:21 PM | I don't know what to do, I have been in love with my husband body and soul for 10 yrs.
I love him more today than when we first met. I thought we'd be together forever. Last Sunday, he decided that he doesn't feel for me anymore. He likes me, thinks I'm a nice person, thinks I'm pretty, but has no love for me.
I feel like I'm drowning. My heart is aching, my body is aching, I'm sick to my stomach, and I can't stop crying.
I desperately need help in dealing with this.
Can any one help? | |
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| I feel like I've lost my soul
Posted: 5/10/2009 2:14:48 PM | I have never been married so I dont think I can help you the way you need to be helped. But I just got dumped by the man I for the first time saw a future with and it killed me. I didnt eat, I was puking, I couldnt sleep, and I just wasnt me. My experience is nothing compared to yours. But I want you to know that I feel for you. I can only imagine what you are going thru. I know you prolly dont want to hear this but it gets better with time. I have heard keeping yourself busy with friends and family also helps. Also to surround yourself with the positive. Now these are all sayings so I dont know how much good they will do for you. But the love you have for your husband was obviously not for him. He was not worthy of all that your love can bring to someone. Also know these two saying that have helped me. God never gives you more than you can handle and also god never shuts a door without opening a window. Oh yea one more say...."Sometimes Goodbye is a second chance". I believe that this is what you have. A second chance to have the love and relationship that you not only deserve but you have a right to. Again im sorry and if you would like to talk or have someone just to listen to you i am here. | |
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| I feel like I've lost my soul
Posted: 5/10/2009 2:22:11 PM | To what extent have you talked to your husband about this and how you feel? Have you asked him about his intentions? Have you considered or talked to him about counseling? Do you have any suspicions about his faithfulness?
As another Cancer I can understand some of your commitment and feeling lost about this. I would really suggest taking some time off by yourself and just enjoy some time alone and do something that you have wanted to do for a long time. Tell him what you are doing and if you haven't brought it up, talk to him about this, how he really feels, how you feel and what this is doing to you. Then let him know when you return you will talk to him and he will need to do something about this. Sad to say but saving a relationship takes 2 people that are comitted to it. If he isn't in it then you need to cut loose. If he truly is into working this out then he needs to know that you want to dom it too. Could he just be in a rut from his career adn be burried in too deep to see where your relationship is?
I am far from perfect but I hope this helps. | |
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| I feel like I've lost my soul
Posted: 5/10/2009 2:30:04 PM | | Hello to you, I am so very sorry. I know exactly how you feel. I was with a lady for 4 years. It started off like fireworks and teenagers from high school and got better with every passing month. It was unbeleivable how we were so crazy about each other. She picked out the ring, I bought it the next week and then had 5 different special nights out to ask her to marry me were cancelled in the next 6 weeks due to her being busy and then I find out her ex is dieing and I am put on the back burner. Then kicked to the curb totally. I was and still am totally in love with this lady but she changed with the flick of a switch. I was given so many different opinions and soutions to my pain. I hadn't stoppped crying some time every day for 5 months. Until I read in this forum here that you need to love your self and be proud of yourself before the pain starts to go away. That works for me. I hated my life and didn't like my self because I blamed my self. Who else could I blame? Couldn't possibly blame the person I am so in love with. So I don't blame me or any body. I look at it as I have to learn some thing from this and that gives me hope. Stay busy and hold your head high. You are a great person. We all are. | |
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| I feel like I've lost my soul
Posted: 5/10/2009 2:34:20 PM | Thank you for answering me. I just don't know how to stop feeling sick to my stomach.
I would give him the world if I could.
Thank you for those sayings as well. I'm going to write them down and stick it on every door in my house. | |
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| I feel like I've lost my soul
Posted: 5/10/2009 2:37:37 PM | I had the exact same thing happen to me, the woman i married and loved body and soul for 9 years advised me that she no longer loved me. I was a great guy, and "deserved better" she said had been living a lie, felt trapped, and needed to find what truly made her happy because love/marriage did not.
How do you get over it. This was two years ago, and I am slowly rebuilding.
Just my two cents: You should speak to him, have him open up - in my expereince you may be able to work thought this problem, or if he won't I think you need closure.
If it's over, seek counselling immediatley (very important) and support from loved ones. I did not do this, instead I dating right away and ended up trying to fill the void my wife left (bad idea). I am in counselling now, and a support group and feel like dating may work again after a long break.
I am a cancer as well, and can relate to you - happy to be a penpal..... | |
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| I feel like I've lost my soul
Posted: 5/10/2009 2:45:05 PM | He might just be going through a phase, so don't jump to conclusions about how final this is. He might be trying on the idea of acting on his fantasy of ending the marriage, if that is where he has been going in his head when he is unhappy, for whatever reason. So, first off, consider if the report is accurate or if it is just him expressing an idea that suits his temporary mood. You can step back from the brink and just ask him to talk it through. Tell him you want to hear what all he has been thinking, and what he wants next, and see if by listening to that if you can figure out what's up with him and if what he is feeling is exploratory or an actual decision he has made. It's a big deal either way but to accept the end of the relationship might be premature.
Something has been going on for a while that he has not been talking about. It could be a dissatisfaction unto himself, or that he has started another relationship, or even something else, although those two possibilities are the only ones I can think of. Whatever it is, he got to the point where he decided to end things with you. Understanding that would help you know what to do about it. It might turn out that what he has to say gives you the information you need to wrap your head around the situation, maybe deciding for your own reasons to want him to go. If he won't tell you, even when you listen in earnest, then he is a closed book and answers must come from someplace else.
If he was any friend of mine I would have him think it through, a few times, so he could see past whatever foolish idea had settled in his mind, to realize what he is giving up and that any plans he has of doing better are delusions. There are lots of people who deeply regret ending relationships, able to see clearly in hindsight what they could not see at the time. The broader perspective is great for handling momentary problems.
It's hard to keep your head after being delivered this kind of shock, but, someone needs to, and his head is probably up his butt, so that leaves it up to you, if you can. He might just need the humbling experience of having his full say, so he can see for himself how stupid it sounds out loud and in plain view. By remaining calm you might be able to get him talking, get the story out there, see where you're really at, and go from there. | |
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| I feel like I've lost my soul
Posted: 5/10/2009 3:15:23 PM |
don't know what to do, I have been in love with my husband body and soul for 10 yrs.
I love him more today than when we first met. I thought we'd be together forever. Last Sunday, he decided that he doesn't feel for me anymore. He likes me, thinks I'm a nice person, thinks I'm pretty, but has no love for me.
I feel like I'm drowning. My heart is aching, my body is aching, I'm sick to my stomach, and I can't stop crying.
I desperately need help in dealing with this.
Can any one help?
hotbreez, I am so very very sorry this happened to you. I know how you feel and have been there myself.
My ex of 14 years gave me the same speech - he didnt love me anymore, I was a wonderful, fantastic, hard working person, caring, giving, and loving, but he just didnt love me anymore. How I deserved better than him, yadda yadda yadda, blah blah blah and so and so forth, etc, etc, etc........... and on and on. The fact was and still is he lied...and STILL lies to this day. - He wanted another girlfriend and went out and got one.
Like you, I gave and gave and gave my 110 percent and then some to keep the relationship going and was basically kicked to the curb in the end. Sure, that whole first year, I felt like hell. Couldn't eat - lost 45 pounds in 2 months - don't try that at home - it was NOT a healthy loss, but I did manage to stabilize and kept most of it off. Couldn't sleep. Felt like shit. Depressed and cried all the time. Felt worthless, etc.
After the shock wore off and I realized there was not a chance of going back, I decided to make the best of it. I joined a bowling league, a book club, and volunteer at a wonderful museum. - Best thing I ever did for myself. It not only gave me an opportunity to forget my problems for a bit, got me out of the house for a bit, and in the process, I made some great, great new friends. In fact, at the first anniversary of his leaving, I actually went out to dinner with some of my new found friends and actually celebrated how far I had come without him. - I didn't think I would do that, but it was very very liberating to do so. It was the best medicine for me and can be for you. - and it gave me strength for when my ex decided to try to come crawling back. - Needless to say, I laughed in his face and advised him he had made his bed - and that he could lie in what's left of it. - without me.
OP, he walked out the door. There is no going back. He said he was finished, so he is. You can't make someone love you or feel what they don't want to feel. I'll bet odds there is someone else waiting in the wings for him and when it doesn't work out, he'll try to come crawling back like my ex did. Be strong and don't go for that, for it will lead to the on/off again crap that can go on for years on end. - Never break up with someone more than once.
So now you need to make the best of your situation. Go do some of the things I listed above or something else of your choosing or what interests you. don't try to date and heal. - Better yet, go to the divorce care class. My friend did this and she got so much out of it. - It is a Christian Faith based group and is designed for those who are either contemplating, going through, or who have been through the divorce process. It is a DVD open floor format and addresses things like dealing with your anger, hurt, feelings, loneliness, the legal system, kids, your ex, making new friends, and moving on. I think it will really and truly help you. The website is: http://www.divorcecare.org. There is a group finder and many many wonderful resources on this site and hopefully it will help you as much as it did my friend.
Take care of you and your kids if you have any. Take some time to heal and for God's sake, don't date. Figure out what YOU want. Leave him in the dust. You deserve better. Trust me.
Good luck, God Speed and keep us posted. | |
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| I feel like I've lost my soul
Posted: 5/10/2009 3:35:34 PM | | THe best way to get over a broken heart, is to get yourself some hobbies. Surround yourself with friends and family! | |
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| I feel like I've lost my soul
Posted: 5/10/2009 11:05:28 PM | There is not alot anyone can tell you right now that will make you feel better or give you a quick fix to the horrible feelings you are experiencing. Time will ease the pain of loss and grief you are experiencing.
And if he is going through some kind of a temporary personal crisis and does change his mind... it's happened, your marriage can be saved.
It's so different for everyone, many will say, no once he walks out the door it's over... that's something only you know if it's truly over.
If he's feeling a need to escape the pressures of life in general and needs some therapy to get thru his stuff, there are ways to do this together.
And marriage counseling is a good thing for even the healthiest relationships.
Really at the end of the day you have to do and decide whats healthy for you and your family.
As far as getting through the days and nights following something as traumatic as this, it's different for each of us how we cope... but know you will get thru it and try to always think about each step you make, each word you choose, and how what you say and do will affect you and who you care about.
I, personally cried for 46 days non stop when my 2nd husband left me for good.
It was so hard to get up each day and face the world. But it does get easier in time....
So many have gone through this kind of loss and it doesn't make it any easier for you to hear, I know that.
But we all have different circumstances, so do not let anyone tell you how you should feel or what you should do based on their situation.
You have to do what you feel right doing, and proceed how you feel comfortable. Cause at the end of each day only you are the one sleeping with your decisions.
So, take from all the advice you get what you feel comfortable with and apply it how you need too. | |
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| I feel like I've lost my soul
Posted: 5/10/2009 11:22:47 PM | | Same thing happened to me my wife of 10 years tells me she wants a divorce loves me but not in love with me. The best advice I could give is to seek counseling and surround yourself with friends and family. Its been almost a year since everything happened for me and I just now feel like wanting to date someone keep your chin up it will get better with time. | |
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| I feel like I've lost my soul
Posted: 5/10/2009 11:29:19 PM | I am sorry that this is happened you sound like a good woman. Men experience love through love making. He interprets a womans desire for him as love. This is a bond that holds a man to his wife. If there is a major dry spell a man can get seriously hurt feelings.
OTOH, he could be going through a mid life crisis and want the excitement of his youth.
Good luck. | |
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| I feel like I've lost my soul
Posted: 5/11/2009 12:21:50 AM | | Aww you poor thing.Whilst i'm still young and haven't been married,i do feel for you.I just don't know what to say all i can do is give you a big *HUG* | |
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| I feel like I've lost my soul
Posted: 5/11/2009 12:45:43 AM | awww sweetheart , my heart goes out to you xxxx I was in exactly the same predicament but I was the one who asked him to leave after 22 years together , to say it broke his heart is an understatement , but I wont go into all that .....it took some gutts for him to tell you , as it did me to tell my husband , he hates me with avengance now and wont even look at me , but he has a new g/f and he's getting on with his life ...
The way I see it is like this ........weren't you lucky that you had 10 years with this man , look at the good times you had etc ...I know it really hurts , but please don't go into yr shell , paint your nails , get yr hair done , buy yrself some nice clothes , (retail therapy is always good) and look at yourself as your OWN person .....you're very attractive , and I know that right now you couldn't care less , but I'm sure there's some one , maybe the right one out there for you ....
love hugs and kisses , keep your chin up sweet .........xxxx | |
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| I feel like I've lost my soul
Posted: 5/11/2009 4:48:53 AM |
.....And if he is going through some kind of a temporary personal crisis and does change his mind... it's happened, your marriage can be saved.......
Ahhh yes, the so-called Mid-Life Crisis. That's the reason my ex cited to me when he decided to skip out, two-step, and waltz out the door. - Which was a huge cop out because he was lying and couldn't man up to the fact that he cheated. 
More often than not, when it is a "mid-life crisis" you can darn well bet that more often than not, he is going to drop dime and be gone and not come back. Once again, do what's right for you, get some help, and move on with your life. | |
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| I feel like I've lost my soul
Posted: 5/11/2009 5:43:09 AM | | Been through a very similar situation, it's now fast forward 2 yrs and I'm ready to face the world again. Many people have already covered the most important points, so I won't re-hash. My advice is to get your hands on the book "Rebuilding When your relationship ends" by Dr. Bruce Fisher ISBN 0-915166-95-X. That combined with a very good therapist saved my life. There is also a workbook you can buy to go with it (didn't know about it at the time, so can't comment on usefulness). It's one day at a time from here, but you can, and will get through it. Ultimately we can choose to take something away from the experience and grow stronger from it, or we can drown. I chose to swim, I hope you do the same :) | |
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| I feel like I've lost my soul
Posted: 5/11/2009 7:50:29 AM | | I know what that feels like. At times I wished a city bus would just hit me I was so depressed. | |
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| I feel like I've lost my soul
Posted: 5/11/2009 7:53:54 AM | I lived with a woman for a year, and I loved her and her daughter immensely and I came home from work one day and she kicked me out. I was crushed and used to have panic attacks, with crying, hyper ventilating etc. I would be fine one minute then hear a song on the radio and breakdown again. I read a book Women Can't Hear What Men Don't Say, by Dr. Warren Ferrel, and it helped break my panic attacks and emotional distress. Dr. Ferrel also has a website and we have exchanged emails in the past.
It took me sometime to get past things, but once I realized that I can't control her, or make her want me in her life then the panic attacks stopped. I let her go entirely out of my mind, and my own desire to try and save something she wanted no part of.
Ironic as it is the woman who caused my pain and panic attacks gave me some advice which did help the last time we ever talked:
"Think of what you have, and NOT what you don't have".
It's hard sometimes, but happiness is a choice and I want to be happy so I remember the good times, and think of what I have right now and drive on.
Hang in there Hotbreez!! Cheers..Willie | |
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| I feel like I've lost my soul
Posted: 5/11/2009 8:36:53 AM | I'm so sorry this has happened and you're hurting...
Not in love with anyone in person at the moment, but my experience has been one of the reverse...I lose interest...or, better put...I stare down the black pit of my own soul looking for more passion or something...and the well has runneth dry. Maybe I haven't met the right girl, or maybe I need to focus my energies on work or things that are goal-0riented...a relationship is an ever-evolving creature and, like Woody Allen says in Annie Hall "it's like a shark--it has to keep moving or it dies". Perhaps you guys just needed a new goal to work on together, a new challenge! Perhaps it had gotten complacent, routine and boring...no new challenge or goal in it. Sorry if this response is feeble, but hope it helps-! | |
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| I feel like I've lost my soul
Posted: 5/11/2009 9:38:58 AM | Hi there, SNAP! I got a very similar speech from my own husband, who I've been with for nearly 15 years, 6 weeks ago now. I love him too, just bonded to him and thought we were stuck for good, same stuff, says he thinks I'm his best friend, just doesn't want to be with his best friend every day. Can't do the 'married' thing any more. I have been having the same reaction, sick, crying, shaking, disbelief, terrible yearning. He has moved out, is determined that he's going, says it was the last resort, although he hadn't actually told me how he was feeling, only the week before he had been telling me he never wanted to move from this house, but now he tells me he was just 'going through the motions'. All I want to do is text him and say all sorts of pathetic things. I went to see his new flat, it nearly killed me, its not even that nice, but being on his own, spreading out his stuff, not having to think about anyone else, is far more appealing to him than being here with his family who love him.
I bought a book called 'I can mend your broken heart' by Paul McKenna which comes with a CD - there are some things in there that help. If you have kids I am finding being with them a comfort. Talking to sensible friends helps. I am keeping a little book of things that I enjoy every day, even if its just one moment of enjoying a blossom tree. Mostly I am utterly miserable, cannot do my normal stuff at all and my brain has shut down. Sometimes I start vaccuming and just howl and howl, although crying makes me feel worse. I am trying to remember all the bad times - make a list of the things you won't miss about him and keep looking at it. Praise yourself for every little thing you do on your own. I think its the shock of not being loved that keeps getting to me, I thought I was. But I say to myself I am an attractive, intelligent and loving woman and I can witness my own life lovingly.
I write really to say, you are not alone in this horrible pain, I hope we get through it soon. I feel like I have lost my soul too, I feel that my siamese twin has had himself separated surgically knowing it will kill me, but it hasn't and I suppose it won't, perhaps we will come through this stronger. My whole world is rocked - I keep seeing couples and wonder how they are different - its all the stuff off the sad love songs, but now horribly horribly real, if you like contact me direct and we can be heartbreak buddies? | |
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| I feel like I've lost my soul
Posted: 5/11/2009 2:34:56 PM | OP - you are stunning looking woman, asking advice on a great forum that plenty of others in your situation wouldn't have the foresight or courage to do.
Do you really need this guy ?
If you look over the edge, you will see the abyss. Allow yourself to look up and see the sunshine. | |
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