| I want to hug the whole sky. My daughter is there now.
Posted: 7/1/2005 7:29:12 PM | Here I was today - sitting in the last seat in the airport's smoking area - just because that was the best spot to watch one of the huge airbuses load.
I didn't move, I didn't take my hand off the glass, I didn't stop whispering the words of the only prayer I knew. My hand and the window had something in common - they shared the heat of the curious Sun. Ever notice - it always comes out when you are sad.
I heard the door behind me open and close a thousand times - as travellers went in an out .
I wasn't smoking.
I was watching every tiny movement around that plane. I was studying the faces of the pilots that I could see, because that smoking area happend to be the closest spot to the plane. I learnt everything about loading baggage. I didn't miss one single step of the aircraft service staff. I inspected every screw and bolt on the plane's body - that's how close, yet far away from my daughter I was.
She was there - inside - an 11 year old, travelling alone to the far away land, to see her grandparents.
First time in my life I had to let my baby go.
May be after my husband's death I gained the neverending fear of letting the dear ones go. I gained the fear of them never coming back.
Even just for stupid two months. Even to the environment, where I know she will be spoiled rotten and will probably forget to call me every night, as she had promised. Even hearing all my friends joining my parents in a sweet chorus: "You need a break, and time for yourself. This is a great experience for her - to go to Europe. You work so much - you need a vacation at least from your child". I don'treally need one - because she is my life. Who wants a vacation from life? But anyways... it all happened now and no way back till September...
The boarding area became empty. The cleaner in turban came in and started cleaning the ashtrays. I held my hand on the glass till I saw the flying machine take off and dissolve in the hot skies. Some strangers gave me hugs and kleenex. I don't remember how I left the airport.
I am home now. I was afraid to come back. Everything here is her.
I think I will go sleep outside tonight, where I can hug the sky, knowing she is there for long 14 hours altogether and stop crying.
I could use some support from other parents, that had ever have to let their babies go.
I heard it, but I ask for it again - this is the best for both of us, right? | |
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| I want to hug the whole sky. My daughter is there now.
Posted: 7/1/2005 8:03:36 PM | Wish I was there to give you a hug....I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but I do understand in a way...
You know my son is 10 now...but when he was 6, I had to let him stay with his grandparent's for 3 months. It was the most difficult time of my life. I remember going to bed at night, crying myself to sleep......it will be ok....I promise......
When she steps off of that plane in August, she'll be so excited to see you, to be home, and she will have memories of time spent with her grandparents that she will cherish forever. As she grows into a young woman, or even as a mother herself one day, she'll be able to tell the tales of the summer she spent abroad. When the two of you look over photo's together, and talk about her trip, and as she gushes on about how she saw this, and when she did that, you'll know that you gave her the opportunity of a lifetime.
Yet does it make it easier now? No. This is a lifechanging event for you. Something has died (your unwillingness to let go), and something is born. (Your ability to set free, knowing that all will be well and trusting that she will arrive safely back into your arms). I say congratulations. Shed your tears, gather your strength, and move forward....you're doing a great job of it!
Big hugs, | |
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| I want to hug the whole sky. My daughter is there now.
Posted: 7/1/2005 8:09:35 PM | I was literally watching this post. I was hoping someone would hear me and help.
Thank you.
Nothing much I can say at this moment - as the tears are still the owners of me for now.
However - your words about me giving her an opportunity of a lifetime - THANK YOU FOR THAT.
I should really set myself thinking that way.
It is hard. But that's why I asked for support from people like you - experienced and wise parents.
I just wish it were 7-th of September already tomorrow.
Thank you!!! | |
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| I want to hug the whole sky. My daughter is there now.
Posted: 7/1/2005 9:19:44 PM | Hi! I wish i could give you a hug too! i've never had to let my kids go like that and i admire you for the strength you had to let her go...i don't know if i could have - just reading your post made me cry. But she'll be fine, she'll have fun and when she gets off the plane in september she'll be so happy to run back into your arms.
Take care and have a great summer :) | |
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| I want to hug the whole sky. My daughter is there now.
Posted: 7/1/2005 9:29:27 PM | Oh God, girl!
Thank you!
And if you ever had to let your sunshines go - I would be there to support you too.
Thank you!!!
P.S. I called my Mom only like 5 times. I asked her to look two steps ahead of where my daughter goes.
She told me - she never knew anyone to be more crazy about their kids.
I think that was a compliment. | |
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| I want to hug the whole sky. My daughter is there now.
Posted: 7/2/2005 8:46:17 AM | | you are such and incredibly passionate person rusfeline and i admire that quality. know that your daughter misses you just as much... hopefully she will be home soon. i'm terribly sorry to hear of the loss of your husband.... life is not supposed to happen like that. gosh, i wish i could give you a big huge hug and tell you it will all be ok. you know that in your heart though... you keep hugging the sky, they both can feel your hugs :) | |
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| I want to hug the whole sky. My daughter is there now.
Posted: 7/2/2005 11:16:31 AM | I just got a phonecall - as she had promised - the minute she walked in - she let me know.
She arrived safely and is already undergoing all the pampering granma has to offer.
Granma almost lost her speech when she saw how tall my daughter is now.
It was a sleepless night and a lonely morning.
Very empty here.
But thank you for your posts. They keep me company.
bad kitty >> thank you... you said it so nice... | |
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| I want to hug the whole sky. My daughter is there now.
Posted: 7/2/2005 1:23:49 PM | Glad to hear you got your call and all is well.
Yes, being apart from her can be very tough on you - but remember - this is a wonderful experience for your daughter AND for granma! They are creating memories that will last both of them forever! Rejoice in that - if you start feeling lonely, think of them with smiles on their faces - and realize that you are the cause of that. Believe it or not - the time will pass quickly, and she will be back home with you!
Take care... write anytime if you need a little encouragement - I could tell you some stories... | |
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| I want to hug the whole sky. My daughter is there now.
Posted: 7/2/2005 2:17:45 PM | Thank you. music man...
I am slowly convincing myself that I did the right thing.
Your people's post help me. They really do.
Except I am still poor at fighting loneliness and just can't adjust to how quiet it is here now. Opened a case with fresh strawberries and caught myself thinking that it's too much for just myself.
Anyways, I am trying. And I am glad I am getting more and more responses that convince me of doing the right thing.
Thank you. | |
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TGIF
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Joined: 6/24/2005
Msg: 12 | |
| I want to hug the whole sky. My daughter is there now.
Posted: 7/2/2005 2:44:32 PM | What a touching thread ... thank you for sharing your feelings. And add another hug to your collection.
I am so glad that she called as promised and glad that you have family there to love her and to give you both the little breather you may not feel the need for, but deserve and will be able to appreciate now that you know she is safe with Grandma.
My son was only 10 when he started the flights to visit dad after our divorce. Your writing brought back a lot of memories and I can say that almost all of them are good ones.
At first I wouldn't even leave the airport in case the plane had to return .... then our routine was my getting home (one hour drive) and sitting by the phone for his call (two hour flight).
All these years later, we are a lot more casual about it, but he still knows his mom needs to know he's safe - and I'm grateful that he respects that need of mine.
You write beautifully. I hope you are considering journalling in your daughters absence. I think that would be a precious gift to the both of you.
God bless you both.
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| I want to hug the whole sky. My daughter is there now.
Posted: 7/2/2005 3:18:34 PM | Thank you, tgif!
You hug and your reply comforted me and added to my growing belief that I did the right thing.
I wasn't sure if I would be able to go to work tonight - I took two days off purposedly - somehow I knew what state of mind I would be in, but now I am getting ready to leave.
I know my mind will still be there where she is right now, however, it will make the time go a bit faster.
Thank you. | |
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| I want to hug the whole sky. My daughter is there now.
Posted: 7/2/2005 5:17:03 PM | | this is gonna sound silly but it worked for me... i bought a dog. :) that'll surely brighten your day and keep your mind busy while your daughter is away. if you can have a dog, and you don't already have one... it's something to consider. it'll sure bring you comfort. ;) | |
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| I want to hug the whole sky. My daughter is there now.
Posted: 7/2/2005 5:55:01 PM | I put my son on his first flight alone last month. He is visiting my family for the summer. He is 13 but he also had a stroke 2 years ago, letting someone else take care of him is very hard. I have been the only one there for him for his whole life. The house is very quiet and it took me a week just to get around to accepting that he is gone. He will be back and so far the trip has given him his independence back, something I, as his mom, was unable to give him. He is having fun on a farm with his cousins, at home it is just him and I. Believe me I will be at the airport hours before the plane on his trip home. I can't wait to have him back in my arms, but am also feeling very good about how much he is getting from this trip.
I really do know how you feel. | |
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| I want to hug the whole sky. My daughter is there now.
Posted: 7/2/2005 10:32:01 PM | Hello
At 42 yrs old ect have ya ever noticed your parents still wanna know where you are what your doin ect.
I dont think after helping a child grow for 19 yrs or more the feeling of wanting to be there all the time to help them or keep them safe will ever go away.
First you train them to grow up and then you cant let go?
When my daughter was 3 yrs old one day it hit me like a brick wall,,,all you can do is guide them to take care of themselves.....you wont be there all the time for them in there later teen yrs and adulthood.
Just trust in god or higher power they learned well from you.
Its a hard lesson.....look what some of us put our parents threw !
I pass a hug on to you and hope its a fast summer for you
good luck! | |
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| I want to hug the whole sky. My daughter is there now.
Posted: 7/2/2005 11:32:38 PM | My dear people!
Thank you so much!
I just got home from work, grabbed the phone while getting rid of my purse, shoes, etc, dialed the number. Heard her voice, said "I love you" and heard the reply. That brightened me up. I was thinking about her all night while working.
In Calgary we have Stampede every summer. So I used to bring her to the grounds - kids have a blast there. So as I was watching the preparations, I got sad again, as this year we are not going to be on the rides.
Next thing I did - I came to this site, to my thread. Because the warmth that you people send me in your messages - that is something very precious and I want you all to believe that you really do help me.
I wanted to call my Mom and cut the vacation shorter - but than I changed my mind. Being a Mother - means neverending sacrifice for the sake of your child. So - I shouldn't deprive her of this great opportunity. Besides, I thought about my Mom, who is already in her late sixties. What did she go through when she let me go? Oh, Mom... I understand you so well now. And it is great that my daughter looks exactly like me. My Mom is happy. Just like seeing me again. D**n work tied me up this summer.
I will try and find the balance between my crazy wish to hug my daughter NOW and my understanding of importance of this trip for her and for my Mom. I know I will succeed.
Huge part of knowing that is your help.
Thank you all again. I wish this thread will be kept for a long time. | |
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| I want to hug the whole sky. My daughter is there now.
Posted: 7/2/2005 11:36:28 PM | >> bad kitty>>
We have this gorgeous Balinese that I bought for her when she went to school. This is her cat. The cat never left her bed since yesterday. So - I guess I do have company. And you know what? I am going to spoil that animal rotten.
But... only till September.
LOL | |
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| I want to hug the whole sky. My daughter is there now.
Posted: 7/2/2005 11:56:54 PM | | cats are also a great choice in animals to keep you company ;) i'm happy to hear you have someone to spoil... kitty won't know the difference in september because her little buddy will be home and you won't have to continue to spoil her. cats are great like that... | |
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| I want to hug the whole sky. My daughter is there now.
Posted: 7/3/2005 6:25:04 AM | I just read this... I feel for You...
my kids just left for a single little week... and I'm trying to remind myself to breathe... so.... it does'nt sound silly at all that you're missing them. My three are my world... most likely too much of it.. but they're why I am a mom.
With sound reminders to watch over eachother... and remember sun screen.. cuz their dad does'nt always remember that stuff... or have the eyes on my youngest that I do...
Good thing is.... I'm still breathing.. and this break IS going to be good for me.. and for them as well.
So yeah.... I know where you are....*s*
sending GREAT BIG HUGS to you... because hugs are always good.. no matter what. | |
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| I want to hug the whole sky. My daughter is there now.
Posted: 7/3/2005 8:52:19 AM | | Some of the best things we do for/with our children are also the hardest. As your daughter gets older, she will remember her "first" trip with great memories. And when she becomes an adult and hopefully a mother, she will remember also when it is her time to "let go". My 15 year old daughter has made a trip back to Ontario every year now to see my parents and family since she was 6 years old,and I still cry like a baby when I put her on the plane. I would never be able to replace her memories of these trips and I know she is a better person for it, thou she is becoming an adult a little too fast for me these days. Keep smiling, you have done the right thing. What is life, if you don't live? | |
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TGIF
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Joined: 6/24/2005
Msg: 22 | |
| I want to hug the whole sky. My daughter is there now.
Posted: 7/3/2005 10:49:17 AM | Beautifully said Walts. I really love this thread  and all the sincere outpouring of experiences I read (through my tears) here.
Motherhood* is such a wonderful thing. Every time we 'teach' the lil ones something we get the chance to learn much more ourselves. My lil one is 19 now and not so little anymore, but I recall his telling me that he'd pull some stunt or other and then go live with his dad. I told him he didn't need to pull anything, he could just go live with his dad.
I think I may have failed to mention I'd be on the next plane. 
More good thoughts to you and your beautiful daughter.
*PARENThood  | |
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| I want to hug the whole sky. My daughter is there now.
Posted: 7/3/2005 11:32:59 AM | moogie >>>
waltz >>>
tgif >>>
Thank you and thank you again.
You put so much heart in your messages, and I treasure them even more because based on the fact that it all comes from the experience of truly dedicated, loving parents.
I am so proud now that I am the part of the world of so many beuatiful, caring souls.
By being a parent.
You make it easier on me also because I don't question myself anymore - rather I am the only one who is so attached to my child. I was told before that I am overprotective, may be too much involved in my child's life. But as I recall it now - people who said that weren't parents themselves.
Now I also see that I am nothing "over" - just a regular loving Mom.
But it is so unusual. I realized, that I have so much free time now, as I don't have to follow my usual routine, and I don't really know what to do with all that time. I don't have to do a lot of thigs that I am used to with her around. I sat on the doorstep, enjoying the sun and my coffee, and than I heard ice-cream's truck bells. I think I even said it loud "Kathryn". And than sat there, thinking - how stupid of me to forget that she left.
I am making some rennovations plans. But for to start fulfilling them, I have to learn first how to enter her room without falling onto her bed and choke myself with tears.
Thank you all!
This is so amazing what you do people!
God bless you all and your children! | |
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| I want to hug the whole sky. My daughter is there now.
Posted: 7/3/2005 11:42:53 AM | It doesn't get any better as they get older.
My girls are 14 and 15, and for reasons that involve school/education that I won't bore you with,....they are going to be spending the school year for the reminer of high school with their father (who is a 4 hour drive from me). My extended family lives their too....so they can keep an eye on them......
but having my children away from my direct influence and protection.....sigh....very tough.
I empathise rusfeline. :hugs: | |
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| I want to hug the whole sky. My daughter is there now.
Posted: 7/3/2005 12:00:55 PM |
I am making some rennovations plans. But for to start fulfilling them, I have to learn first how to enter her room without falling onto her bed and choke myself with tears.
Oh ho! Now THIS is the best part! If you are doing some renovations, or making changes of some kind - remind yourself of how surprised your daughter will be when she gets home and sees what you have done. I often do a little something when my 9 year old daughter is away (a new butterfly on the wall in her room for example) and when she gets home - she ALWAYS spots it.
The real treat is not the new item - it's that she KNOWS that I was thinking of her while she was gone. | |
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