| When she meets someone else
Posted: 5/16/2009 3:44:53 PM | Ok, need some advise on how to handle something and maybe why it went the way it did. Lat July I met someone at my sisters wedding..her old boss. She had been married (husband cheated on her), was in a 8 y relationship (this guy also cheated on her). She had two great daughters 10 and 13. Long story short...we hit it off and in a very short time were completely convinced we were ment to be together despite her living in Indiana and me livng in Florida. There was one problem...my sister felt she would chew me up and spit me out as this girl was a dating machine since her last boyfriend cheated on her. Once she found out what my sister said she got out. For the following 5 months she would text, email, and call every few weeks and try to get me to be friends. I refused....I felt like she ended things for stupid reasons that had nothing to do with me. We are both 34 years old and I would thing after saying she wanted to marry me and all that stuff that she should have called my sister and worked out their issues instead of ending our relationship. We would talk for a few days and then stop for a few weeks...same discussion over and over. I want to fix it and she doesn't want anything..at least not with me.
Finally, this past week she emailed to tell me she met someone and had been seeng him for almost a month. She says she is very happy and he is a great great guy. yes it stings to hear this even though I have dated since we slit as well.
My question is how do I deal with this and I think the thought of her having sex with somone else is the thing that bugs me most. I feel like we (she) threw something so great away for something that had nothing to do with either of us. I didn't care what my sister thought so why did she? | |
|
| When she meets someone else
Posted: 5/16/2009 3:50:04 PM | Dear OP, I feel your pain. She cared because she did. Unfortunately others will not act and/or react the way you do or you want them to. She is free to live her life and you are free to live yours. Your job now is to reclaim your spirit from that situation and be good to yourself. The right one for you is not her. You need to get over her. I mean that in the most loving way....you need not feel possessive over her, she is not yours, nobody is yours....we cannot possess other people.  | |
|
| When she meets someone else
Posted: 5/16/2009 4:26:46 PM | I guess the questions I really have is why for 5 months did she continue to contact me? I sent emails that at times were very harsh and told her to leave me alone. Why was she so determined to be friends? I feel like she was just keeping me on the hook until she found something better and it turns out that once she met someone she was no longer interested in wanting to be friends. All of it is strange to me...if she had fallen so much why did my sister opinion make her end it? She swears that eas the reason even to this day her story has not changed..am I to believe her?
Also it's the thought of her being with someone else that bugs me...which is selfish because I have been with someone else since her as well...how do I not think about it? | |
|
| When she meets someone else
Posted: 5/17/2009 1:15:45 AM | I feel your pain it sucks!! It happened to me also and I still have a hard time dealing with it. In my honest opinion you should cut all contact with her and only answer her call if it's life or death. Becuse everytime you start feeling a little better, they magically come up. Be it by phone, text or email, and the whole miserable cycle returns. If she met someone, let her be happy with that person. Why does she have to call you? She's just being greedy and wants to be happy and wants to keep you as a safety net.
Enjoy your life and do everything that you wanted to do, because these girls that have suffered what she suffered( My ex included) will keep doing the same thing over and over , and sadly never realize that you cared for her very much, and will end up again dating the same type of guy that hurt them in the first place. When it happened to me my friends gave me this advice, I didn't believe them. It was exactly like they said. Everyday I hope she's ok and that she finds peace in her life, but that is as far as I'll go, you should do the same. | |
|
| When she meets someone else
Posted: 5/17/2009 5:43:32 AM | Thanks for the reply. It's frustrating as I tried over and over to get her into counseling, but obviously she doesn't think anything is worng with her. She swears to this day the reason she ended it was because of what my sister said. Sad thing is everything my sister said she would do she has done to this point...including drag me along until she found something else.
I'm such a dope...should have listened! | |
|
| When she meets someone else
Posted: 5/17/2009 6:37:15 AM | With all due respect and understanding of the pain you are experiencing, in fact it appears that it was not you sister's input that contributed to the end of this "relationshp" because in spite of all the text messages, e-mails and belief that you had a thing going on with this woman, in fact there never was a solid foundation and that is why this "relationship" petered out and ended! Let's be frank. Both of you lived in separate states so right off there was a significant obstacle in developing an ongoing relationship. In addition, having some good times and good vibes does not necessariy translate into love and being together for the rest of your lives. Furthermore, this lady was engaged in serial dating so the question arises as to her readiness to commit to a relationship.
In short you are placing alot more emphasis on the POTENTIAL of this relationship to evolve rather than what ACTUALLY existed between both of you. IMHO it appears that by obsessing about this distant relationship is a means for you not to become involved in a REAL relationship with a woman who lives "next door" and who is available and capable of committment. The question is are you ready to commit to a REAL relationship? Just some food for thought. | |
|
| When she meets someone else
Posted: 5/17/2009 6:40:19 AM | Well at least you had sense enough to know that she is not ready for anything long term or permanent. Sucks don't it...could be the right woman..but the wrong time..
Keep your options open and stay stable..... | |
|
| When she meets someone else
Posted: 5/17/2009 7:06:10 AM | OP, she is nothing more than a player.
As far as her sleeping with someone else........well......she made her bed, now she can lie in what's left of it. - without you!
she walked out the door and said she was through, so she is.
Live your life, and don't look back. don't think about her. Forget it. | |
|
| When she meets someone else
Posted: 5/17/2009 7:35:21 AM | Thanks for your reply. While yes, the distance was an obstacle there was much more to this than you may think. She had contacted a real estate agent and was in the process to put her house up for sale. In addition, I work a work schedule that allowed me to fly up to see her every other weekend. So to answer you question this was a relationship. We talked every night from 8Pm to 1 AM and there were friday and saturday night we would talk for 5-6 hours non stop. I would say most married couples don't even talk that much in a week, much less one night. We were friends first and we discussed what was needed to make a long distance thing work and "foundation" was a word brought up many times.
We both have been in many relatiosnhips a know what love is....when you have fallen you know and she said without a doubt she had....som much so she already knew what she wanted on the wedding menu :-) | |
|
| When she meets someone else
Posted: 5/17/2009 7:56:45 AM | I feel bad for you but look at the bright side... you could have wasted a lot more time with this player.
Feel very very sorry for the guy she's with now, and be glad it isn't you. | |
|
| When she meets someone else
Posted: 5/17/2009 8:01:19 AM | | Ok...here is the freaky thing... The last 5 women I have dated..the very next guy they met..they married! Yes, it's true...I'm the minor leagues for women before they move on to the majors..lol. I feel like she will be number 6. Sorry to sound like a little ****...but it does get old after a while. | |
|
| When she meets someone else
Posted: 5/17/2009 8:40:41 AM | | Maby your sister was right about her. She ended because she was worried that she was not in controll of her own actions as much as she needed to be in order to live up to what she was saying to you. Her keeping you on the line only showed that to be true if you ask me as she was only interested in you till she found someone better. Then again, maby she just didn't want to waste her life waiting for you. You gotta be friends before anything can really happen as far as long term. | |
|
| When she meets someone else
Posted: 5/17/2009 8:41:42 AM | Well then OP, it looks like it's time for you to join the Major League. What are you going to do? Think about it. Decide. Do it! Change your life! You can do this.
My guy also would not respect the no contact rule. He truly could not understand why we could not remain friends. I accept that he really could not understand that. I refuse to see people as manipulators and players. I do not call them into my life. They don't show up. I wish you well. Now get out there and do what you have got to do!!  | |
|
| When she meets someone else
Posted: 5/17/2009 8:49:10 AM | | Thanks for the reply. She never had to wait for me. I have the luxury to live wherever I want so I could have moved up there to be with her at anytime and she knew this. She hates it where she lives and wanted more than anything to move down here. I know it takes two to make it work and usually both are to blame when it ends, but I have to say..what did I do wrong? She ended it because of someone's opinion...it has to be the dumbest excuse i have ever heard. I mean in the matter of 24 hours she went from wanting to get married to wanting out and I had nothing to do with any of it | |
|
| When she meets someone else
Posted: 5/17/2009 9:12:21 AM | In spite of the fact that you spoke frequently on the phone for hours non-stop and saw her on some weekends, in fact this was still a long distance relationship and this lady still had opportunities to meet and date men in closer proximity to her, which she obviously did. FYI, although some long distance relationships work out, most don't for various reasons.
Most significantly, based on your comment that there have been a number of past occasions whereby women you went out with didn't marry you but instead married the next guy in line, provides indication as to the sort of women you are chosing to date! Based on the fact that you had information regarding this current lady's history of serial dating BUT that this did not deter you from dating her, should open your eyes as to whether you are denying not so favorable characterisitics in the women you dated who were really not viable for you but who you were attracted to for whatever reasons, and dated nonetheless.
It is one thing making one or two errors in dating inappropriate partners and to learn from these mistakes. We all make misjudgements and hopefully make better choices in the future. However, based on your insight that you have a string of such relationships that did not result in happy endings, should give indication that you have a pattern of such choices that is not leading to your developing a committed relationship.
So does the problem revolve around you, your current level of readiness for a committed relationship and/or your capacity to make wise decisions regarding evaluating women as potential candidates for a relationship? In fact we cannot project blame on these women because YOU selected them and dated them. So if you are very dissatisfied with this pattern and do not feel able to modify it, it may be to your advantage to speak with a counselor to assist you in understanding the rationale for these inappropriate selections and to become more adept at making better choices of appropriate women. | |
|
| When she meets someone else
Posted: 5/17/2009 9:27:28 AM | I have players friends (well guess you could call them acquaintances more than actual friends) who can string several women along for years on end.
Sounds like she's a bit flaky...no offense, but I mean consider that there is a reason why your sister felt as she did.
What tells you it's "meant to be" as you said?
Please give me evidence of these "meant to be" things...I think it would make an interesting book in my library. | |
|
| When she meets someone else
Posted: 5/17/2009 10:48:31 AM | Thanks for you input. Look yes I agree I have dated women that looking back had major issues. Yes, I knew her history, but I made it very clear to her that if I was just another guy to date then I was out and she knew this. In fact, my sister asked her point blank and the reply my sister got was no...I was different and she wanted to find the one and was done with the dating.
Let me ask youa question...if you had really fallen for someone would you give a crap what his/her family said about you? Also, if they did say something wouldn't you be adult enought to confront them about it and at least try to work it out? | |
|
| When she meets someone else
Posted: 5/17/2009 10:53:43 AM | Oh there are probably a lot of reasons that we thought it was meant to be. First neither one of us ever had thoughts of getting married. She beacuse of how badly her previous relationships worked out and my because I didn't trust anyone. That all changed when we go serious. We both had no doubts about how we felt and what we wanted. Second, we were able to talk about everything and anything. There were no secrets between us, she knows things about me that no one else does and visa versa. Third, we both wanted the same things out of life, to live in Florida, have a house, etc etc...the normal stuff any couple wants. Fourth, it's just the little things that don't come along in any relationship. I'm 34 years old and so is she and we both have had many relationships, some ended badly some ended well. We both felt this was different than anything we had ever felt.
I guess in short...you know when you know...hard to explain. | |
|
| When she meets someone else
Posted: 5/17/2009 4:47:39 PM | OP, it sounds like your ex's behavior exhibits aspects of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I therefore suggest that you read the short article at http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm. It describes what a relationship is like with a person having high functioning BPD. A hallmark of BPD is the push-you-away and pull-you-back behavior you describe.
BPD sufferers will push you away because they have a strong fear of intimacy. And, ironically, they will pull you back because they have a strong fear of abandonment. Their non-BPD spouses spend the entire marriage trying to find the middle ground where neither of those fears is triggered. Sadly, the middle ground is a knife edge. That is, it takes only a minor comment to cause them to flip from one extreme (adoring you) to the other (devaluing you) -- as may have occurred with your sister's comment.
Another trait of BPD is the sufferer's eagerness to almost completely mimic or mirror your personality (and preferences) during the first six months or so of your relationship. This is due to not only their natural desire to please but also to their lack of ego and self esteem. The result of such mirroring is that you would have a strong feeling, as you say you experienced, of having met your "soul mate." Moreover, the lack of ego causes them to "fall in love" extremely quickly -- even, as in your case, when you are seeing each other only twice a month.
A third trait is that BPD sufferers tend to have an almost child-like warmth and to be very caring to complete strangers, i.e., to anyone who is not so close to them as to be caable of triggering their twin fears of abandonment and intimacy. Hence, they oftentimes do very well in professions like nursing and social work when the disorder is high functioning. With people very close to them, however, they can be triggered into a bad mood by offhand remarks or minor things you do. Hence, spouses always wonder "what I said wrong." That is why the most popular book on BPD is called "Stop Walking on Eggshells." The irony, then, is that BPD sufferers often will be warm and generous around total strangers and then go home and treat their spouses abusively.
If any of this sounds familiar, please read that article. Other good information on BPD is also available at BPD411.org and BPDcentral.com. Of course, that information will not enable you to tell when BPD traits are sufficiently severe to warrant a clinical diagnosis as such. Only trained therapists can do that. But you don't have to be trained to diagnose Narsissistic Personality Disorder to know when a person is too selfish and self centered to be a good candidate for marriage. Likewise, you should be able to recognize most BPD traits after reading about them. Best of luck to you. | |
|
| When she meets someone else
Posted: 5/17/2009 6:56:02 PM | She wouldn't have just been marrying you; she would've been marrying your sister and the rest of your family too. That's what marriage is. That's why she chickened and ran.
However, she shouldn't be texting you NOW and telling you how great this new guy is. I wouldn't like hearing about her sex life with some other man either. Tell her not to text you anymore, delete her from caller ID and don't pick up the phone. Then...try to forget all about her. | |
|
| When she meets someone else
Posted: 5/17/2009 7:23:01 PM | | You don't deal with it. You cut off communication with her. Sending her nasty emails saying, 'leave me alone' say's you're still there. Sometimes a nasty reply is better than no reply, to some. Block her, don't take anymore calls. Move on with your life. She has. | |
|
| When she meets someone else
Posted: 5/18/2009 4:26:19 AM | True on the family thing, but that is the stupid thing about it. My family has known her for years and my sister for 8 years. They all like her. Maybe that is the problem she is not close to her family and wouldn't know how to handle having a family that is close to her and would do anything for her.
Who knows the BPD is making more and more sense now! | |
|
| When she meets someone else
Posted: 6/2/2009 8:07:14 AM | | So the plot has now thickened. She called last week to tell me she is coming down with her new BF for vacation. I don't have problem with this, except where she is going. There was a beach near where I live that when we were together was the place she told me she wanted to marry me on....of all the places in Florida to go she had to stay there? 15 minutes from my house?? I'm sorry, but does this not show a complete lack of respect to me? In addition, she decided she had to tell me the new guy is everything I am, but "she gets to see him everyday" . I feel sorry for her and the guy. She has two kids, the new guy has 3 kids and barely a month into it everyone has been introduced to everyone else. Sorry, but I don't feel it's right for kids to be introduced this soon into things. At this point I have now changed my phone numbers, put blocks on my emails both at home and at work. What was the purpose of all this? If she is so into this guy why is she making it a point to let me know this stuff and what was the point to send a follow up text 2 days after she called last week? | |
|
| When she meets someone else
Posted: 6/2/2009 8:29:14 AM | OP,
What was the purpose of all this? If she is so into this guy why is she making it a point to let me know this stuff and what was the point to send a follow up text 2 days after she called last week?
She does not see or think of any pain you are experiencing...she just knows she has it good *for now* and that's it. It was very selfish of her to do this, and it fits right in with the other serial dating behaviors she's shown.
You have the choice to keep this sick plot from thickening any more. I'm happy to hear that you've blocked your emails and changed your phone number. Hope you can move on now. Let it go.
Paul ;) | |
|
| When she meets someone else
Posted: 6/2/2009 12:02:16 PM | pick yourself up by boots and yank ,helps to put pants on first, be aman and be able to weep for 5 min and move on.. youre happier without a backstabber in your life... work on yourself and you might find someone to hang with your sorry __s | |
|
Home
login 
