| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/17/2009 1:02:18 PM | We’ve all seen them, the ones where the two people are constantly breaking up and getting back together… so much so that it makes us think of revolving doors and getting caught in turn stiles.
Exactly what’s the point of them? For the life of me, I cannot understand what is going through someone's mind when they’ve broken up with someone, have spent a considerable amount of time lamenting about how the other person treated them poorly, used them, cheated on them, played them and lied to them umpteen times, and then the next week, you see them on top of the tallest mountain singing how much in love they are with the other person and cannot fathom a life outside of that person…
So… what’s the deal? Were they just unable to do better?  | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/17/2009 1:08:35 PM |
So… what’s the deal? Were they just unable to do better?
Sex
So many equate sex to love -- they get back together and have sex and are in love.
I should start a DR. Geek column somewhere. | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/17/2009 1:10:34 PM | | You know, I am with you. I don't understand either. The only thing I can figure is this. It is what they KNOW and something is better than nothing. And frankly something with in the people who stay in these relationship may be very broken. No self esteem, they may not feel they deserve any better or they themselves cannot give any better, so they stay with what they know. | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/17/2009 1:14:42 PM | I’m sure the reasons people continue to engage in a dysfunctional dance with an ex are bountiful. It makes me think we need a catch-all term for why someone would repeatedly do this. How about “they’re just not into common sense”?  | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/17/2009 1:19:11 PM |
So… what’s the deal? Were they just unable to do better?
Probably....
Or as Mountain Geek said, SEX. Not just average ok sex.. .but mind boggling sex.
Or... as I've seen with a couple people I know.... break up so they can go boink someone else... get it out of their system.. and then get back together with the gf or bf for the security or comfort part of it.
Or.... just plain ignorance and desperation. | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/17/2009 1:19:59 PM | Those breakups aren't sincere. They're gestures, snits, bluffs, bargaining chips. They're also a way to try to give the whining to friends some legitimacy--not just whining again, but "No, listen--we really broke up this time."
On the other hand, if they get back together after like months, then yeah I'd agree it's sex. It's familiar, and the bad stuff has had a chance to fade. | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/17/2009 1:38:29 PM | I haven't a clue as to why people do that. It takes a great deal for me to leave a relationship if I am in love with the person. It is NOT something I'd do on a whim. It would take a lot of soul searching and contemplation to get to the point of leaving. If I ultimately make that decision, I am certainly not about to change my mind a week later and say, "Okay, let's give it another go!".
For me, when it is finished, it is finished. There is nothing left worth salvaging. | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/17/2009 1:42:08 PM | Gwen tentatively raises her hand because she has one answer.
I had an on/off long distance relationship with a man for over two years. I allowed him to "come back" because I kept thinking he had come to his senses and had stopped being such an emotional coward. Apart from his inability to commit, he is a great guy--smart, energetic, not the best looking but acceptable, well-read, funny, and self supporting.
I was wrong about his ability to change.
However, had he lived next door so we could have fully explored the possibilities, he would have been toast after the first break-up. | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/17/2009 2:52:05 PM | Sometimes, it's better the devil you know..
Sometimes, it's sex...
Sometimes, it's attention-seeking...sometimes I think it's loneliness.
And sometimes, it's because you love each other, but don't like each other much.
I dunno...
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/17/2009 3:14:35 PM | | We've all witnessed friends having that kind of relationship, wondering why do they do it. But I get it now because I was in one of those for two years, so not my choice. It became a pattern, two months on, two off, what irrational reason will it be this time? Yes, I continued to allow him back and stayed when it was good......I loved him. What happens, he somehow minipulated me into thinking I was the problem and made me feel responsible, I questioned everything about myself. I've been outside of it now for a few months, the fog has lifted finally, although I am still hurting terribly. It doesn't make any sense, and sure, possibly I did feel like I couldn't do any better (I talked myself into believing I was happy). After a divorce and a few failed relationships I did start to wonder.......is it me? | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/17/2009 3:32:07 PM | umm, I've done it. He had many great qualities and I thought we could work through where we didn't line up; or at least should try. We broke up and got back together several times. People who have 20 year marriages have had things they worked through, they are the ones who met and beat challenges that life threw at them. I don't know, maybe it was my ego, I didn't want to be a failure.
I think sometimes people don't want to or aren't ready to admit what is there in front of their faces until they bash their face into the brick wall a time or two just to be sure. | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/17/2009 4:05:55 PM | | Glad I'm not the only one......well, not exactly glad, but you know what I mean. For me I got sucked into his vunerability, he told me things that made me love him more, and when he continually broke it off I thought, well, he really does love me but he is so damaged he is fighting himself. Friends really have gotten angry with me, tired of listening to me cry, wondering why I kept going back. Because I loved him. Now I think why did I allow it, why did I put up with it, maybe if I put my foot down maybe it would of stopped the pattern. Marriage is a harder thing when problems arise, there are more ties.....kids, house, family, more reasons to work the problems out. Fifteen years in a unstable marriage........two in an unstable relationship.......ahh. | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/17/2009 4:24:02 PM | | No, no, not like the Bickersons. I've seen old people in grocery stores bickering at each other and getting quite nasty, then have a little smile on their lips. Some couples really love that stuff. The way I viewed this on again off again thing is that one party in the relationship continually breaks it off for one reason or another, and the other person is left holding the bag so to speak. It's almost as if the break up person is trying to gain control by continually breaking down the others ego just enough each time where they willingly succomb to the continual torture. But.......I can only say from experience unfortunally. And I know, I was the willing victom, I let it happen. | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/17/2009 4:26:52 PM | | Love is not a rational thing so why should there be a rational answer to a question of love? Some people think it is wrong to quit and refuse to give up... stalkers come to mind. Others quit after minor misunderstandings losing the chance for ever achieving success. Most are somewhere in the middle doing the best they can. As Margo wisely pointed out, the only people that are in long-lasting relationships are the ones that didn't give up right away. But a personal perspective makes it very difficult to tell when it is right to give up on a relationship... close friends are a valuable help in sorting this type of thing out. | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/17/2009 4:28:40 PM | Heck if I know...
Personally, I could care less how many men a woman has had before me, but once she's been with me and then shares her body with another man I lose interest. Too many times I've been given the "I need space" talk only to find out my partner has "made a mistake" and wants to come back. No thanks, if I wasn't good enough to warrent some effort in the relationship then I'm sure as hell not gonna be some woman's "placeholder" till her bigger, better deal comes long.  | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/17/2009 4:30:21 PM | | On and off again, would you feel better if I told you people are creatures of habit? We do what we know, the devil we know over the angel we don't? No probably not, love never really fades away it just subdues and becomes a bearable loss to be blunt. Reason I always say it is not good to be friends with anyone you have been very intimate with. The feelings are there and given time will end up flourishing again. It can be damn inconvenient. | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/17/2009 4:31:15 PM | They get a lot of attention (all the whining then excitement) and they are the center of all conversations because they never shut the fluck up about either whining or the excitement about the getting back together, plus all the drama.....barf. They don't want to do better, they want ATTENTION!!!!! And lots of it. I mean how boring would life be for them if they lived like a sane person with a good relationship? Who'd provide them tons of attention and hold their widdle hand and tell them how bad the guy is and how great they are and what would romance novels be like without all these attention whores. Personally I avoid them like the plague, and I know they are full of shit because I use to indulge in that kind of mind fluck.  | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/17/2009 4:31:44 PM | " The way I viewed this on again off again thing is that one party in the relationship continually breaks it off for one reason or another, and the other person is left holding the bag so to speak. It's almost as if the break up person is trying to gain control by continually breaking down the others ego just enough each time where they willingly succomb to the continual torture."
Thus, the toxic relationship...and the addiction to the ongoing roller coaster of emotions. It happens to alot of us! | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/17/2009 4:51:36 PM | I've seen a lot of these relationships and thank gawd I've never been in one.
I agree with many responses like the one below..
Sometimes, it's better the devil you know..
Sometimes, it's sex...
Sometimes, it's attention-seeking...sometimes I think it's loneliness.
And sometimes, it's because you love each other, but don't like each other much.
I dunno...
I'll throw a few more into the ring...
- inability to compromise - nuff said
- lack of long term vision - hey everytime we fight the make up sex is great and our relationship is stronger....well until the next fight
- enabling - hey I don't really have to change, I just have to wait a week and apologize and they'll take me back
- few strong compatibilities but many lesser incompatibilites which tip the balance | |
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| Those on again off again relationships?
Posted: 5/17/2009 5:08:25 PM | They still love the person despite the angst and hope that it could work.
They are a habit, the evil you know is better than a new one.
People do not want to be alone.
They are an addiction.
They can't find anyone else.
They don't think they can get someone else.
They make stupid decisions when they are drunk.
They get lonely and make stupid decisions when they are lonely.
They get horny and make stupid decisions when they are horny.
They don't know that more than 50% of the problem is them.
They are stupid.
They don't learn.
Thre are probably more.
My stepson's mother and her husband didn't break up but for about ten years before they finally realized that they did love each other and got married, while they were living with each other, they both had numerous affairs. They argued a lot and I never understood why they stayed together. Today, they are very happy and content.
I do know a couple that filed for divorce at least a half dozen times. The cousin got sick of it so the last time when they told him to withdraw the case, he didn't, when the next row ensued they were divorced inside two weeks. Fast forward two years, neither had found another and they had grown to appreciate what was good a lot more than the bad was a problem. 30+ years later they are still happily married. Who are we to say nay to true luuuvvvv. | |
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