| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 5/18/2009 3:23:34 PM | I have been reading these forums for a few days now and something comes up again and again. Many women, when describing the circumstances during which they became single mothers, will explain that their ex- boyfriend or ex-husband was abusive.
Why are there so many abusive men? | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 5/18/2009 3:56:08 PM | | In my experience with "abuse" there is a lot of abuse everywhere and in almost every relationship to a certain degree. That is not my way of saying that all men are abusive because that isnt true... but if you define the word abusive...Its a characterized by physical or psychological maltreatment. That doesnt narrow too much, in alot of cases a women feels that a man is abusive at some point due to them poking, or calling names, etc.... That doesnt necessarily mean the man is an abuser...... Not to make light of any abusive situation but mal treatment can mean someone got upset and called the other a name... thats bad treatment... so realistically based on the definition of "abuse" everyone is guilty of it, or has been guilty of it at some point.. NOT just men but women too. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 5/18/2009 4:05:50 PM | | It's a cycle and the only end is to break the chain. The poster above is right in that in comes in all forms and from men & women alike. Some abused people learn how to abuse by default. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 5/18/2009 4:06:00 PM | Mine wasn't abusive nor did he ever get physical until AFTER I became pregnant. And then it was two incidences where he (I believe) was trying to make me miscarry. Once was a hit in the stomach while we were laying on the couch. He said he was "playing" I was like well don't play like that cause that sh!t hurt. And then it was a tackle from the back at the waist while I was doing laundry. I left that day.
I have only had one man get abusive and it only happened once. I was gone.
I would never be with or stay with an abusive man and am interested in this question because I have noticed that too. For the women that say he was abusive..
Was he abusive before the child?
If so why did you stick around? | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 5/18/2009 4:14:21 PM | http://www.oregoncounseling.org/Handouts/DomesticViolenceMen.htm
Domestic Violence Is Against The Law In Oregon
Statistics About Domestic Abuse And Violence Against Men
Very little in known about the actual number of men who are in a domestic relationship in which they are abused or treated violently by women. In 100 domestic violence situations approximately 40 cases involve violence by women against men. An estimated 400,000 women per year are abused or treated violently in the United States by their spouse or intimate partner. This means that roughly 300,000 to 400,000 men are treated violently by their wife or girl friend.
I have sat in the court rooms women do this stuff too, in big numbers. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 5/18/2009 4:19:04 PM | Playing the devils advocate, all the kinds of abuse that Amber stated can be true for women as well. Women can be manipulative, pushy, angry, vindictive, bossy, vulgar people when it comes to relationships. I'd say for every abusive man out there, there's an equally abusive woman. I've seen women who treat their men like dirt and then cry when things don't go thier way. It's a two way street.
As much as you may wonder why there are so many abusive men out there... I have to wonder why there are so many women who stay in relationships with an abusive man? I can't beleive for a second that there weren't signs of abuse right from the get go or very shortly after... leaving plenty of time to get out of the relationship... instead of staying, getting married and having kids with this abuser.
Women these days aren't the feeble little things that were once owned like a peice of property. We have choices, we have the same rights to education and the same privelages as men... there is no reason to stay with a man who hurts you mentally, physically or emotionally.
Men and women who abuse need to either get help or be behind bars. Your the only one who can control what happens to you. If you don't reach out, seek help, listen to friends that may want to help you or leave thier sorry butts, then your just as much part of the problem. Men (and women) abuse because they can. It's up to you to stop it. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 5/18/2009 4:25:24 PM | You really do need to clearly define abuse...I don't think that not meeting someone's expectations in a relationship is abuse, just a bad match.
Abuse is physical, verbal or emotional. The intent is always to control the other person, to keep them on edge, to undermine their confidence and sense of self-worth.
Lack of respect for one's partner, depending on how it is displayed could be abusive behaviour in my opinion if the underlying intention is to control, demean or otherwise make someone doubt themselves.
Personally, I think that while many women have evolved in the sense that many of us know how we want to be treated in any relationship (from friendship to intimate relations) and we also know we can survive without any relationship in which we feel we are not meeting our full potential as human beings or in a relationship where we feel that we must behave in a subservient (less important then) role. Sixty years ago, women stayed in unhappy relationships, playing the role of subservient wife because they simply didn't have any option. Women married young because they needed a man to support them (career opportunities for women were limited) and divorce was heavily frowned upon.
How many times have you heard parents utter "Boys will be boys" when boys behave in a way that is not socially acceptable? How many times have you heard parents tell their male offspring that big boy's don't cry?
Personally I feel that there are men who simply don't know what women want today but know that they are not comfortable with the "independent" woman because she goes against the expectation he has to wear the pants, be the problem solver, in some cases to be the highest earner. Others are quite comfortable with the new independent woman but they are not easy to find.
If we could remove the label of what is male, what is female and start looking at each other as human beings, we might even be able to find a way to cherish and respect each other.
I read one of the articles posted by the "big fish" the other day and to be honest, it really pissed me off...the entire article was how a woman must modify herself to please her man so HE doesn't feel emasculated, what about HER feelings (guess they don't matter). Don't men realize that while we woman may not have the same hardware, we can feel emasculated also (sadly, there is no female equivalent of the word in our language as yet, but there should be).
This woman in particular, doesn't need a man to "take care of me" financially. This particular woman wants someone she can be an equal partner with, true give and take on both sides. I have accomplished quite a lot in my 43 years on this planet and I do not want to feel that my emotions/needs/ideas/abilities are less valuable than the man I am with. If that makes him feel emasculated, quite frankly, that is HIS problem. If it means that I will not have the pleasure of a man long-term, so be it. I can fill my life with family and friends and get "it" if/when I feel the urge....men are quite easy to seduce. 
If you have studied sociology, humans way back mated for survival. Without a man, women wouldn't have eaten and would have died. Without a woman, man would not have been able to procreate and carry on his line. Women can survive without men today (yes, in some cases because of the social supports in society, but often time without those) so the underlying "need" to have a man to take care of us is GONE. Women have paid a heavy price over the millenia for the "security" of having a man. Most of us don't want to have a relationship with a man that enhances BOTH of our lives, one that doesn't detract from either. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 5/19/2009 12:01:14 AM | Thank-you all for the replies.
I didn't realize so many women were the abusers in relationships. Wow. I actually had a boyfriend at one time that was divorced because his ex-wife abused HIM. I hadn't really heard of this at the time, or more accurately, I couldn't quite conceive of it, so I asked him about it. I asked him if he was physically stronger than she, how could she abuse him? He replied that men cannot hit back, so they just have to take it. That was an eye opener. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 5/19/2009 4:11:10 AM | futureshock, anything a man can do, a woman most certainly could do when it comes to abuse. I didn't comment on women as abusers because that was not what this thread was about originally, but I suspect you might have touched a nerve when you made the enquiry about men being abusive and not people being abusive.
Most men don't report...perhaps the male ego is a factor in that but it is about time that women were held accountable when they are abusive towards men. I personally don't believe that abuse is acceptable regardless of who the perpetrator or victim are. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 5/19/2009 4:20:33 AM | Because many men are bullying emotionally stunted under achievers ?!
And women are silly enough not to enroll in Krav Maga class ?!
To be honest and I do a fair amount with a Hostel for Abused women and children. The first thing we say is the contract of abuse has 2 parties they must both give consent, the victim to accept the abuse the abuser to give it. When the victim revokes that consent we can work with them, until that point they are bound by the contract. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 5/19/2009 4:21:52 AM |
futureshock, anything a man can do, a woman most certainly could do when it comes to abuse. I didn't comment on women as abusers because that was not what this thread was about originally, but I suspect you might have touched a nerve when you made the enquiry about men being abusive and not people being abusive.
Most men don't report...perhaps the male ego is a factor in that but it is about time that women were held accountable when they are abusive towards men. I personally don't believe that abuse is acceptable regardless of who the perpetrator or victim are. You're absolutely right that women are abusers, too, and they should be held accountable.
However, what prompted me to ask the question was the large numbers of posts I have read in which the women have broken up with their boyfriends or husbands because the latter were abusive, abusive men seem to cause a lot of broken families, and it seems like there are A LOT of these men.
I have yet to see a post about a man dumping his wife or girlfriend because she was abusive, although I realize it happens as I said previously, because I knew someone to whom it had happened. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 5/19/2009 4:26:08 AM | Women are more apt to air the dirty laundry than men are...
In some ways and for some men, I think abuse is harder on them because they are not able to talk about it or deal with the feeling associated with being the victim of domestic abuse. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 5/19/2009 4:27:04 AM | Statistically, abuse is much more common among unmarried couples. Please note that this doesn't mean that there is abuse between all unmarried couples.
Cohabitation breeds abuse, violence, and murder: Abuse of children: Rates of serious abuse are lowest in intact families; six times higher in stepfamilies; 14 times higher in always-single-mother families; 20 times higher in cohabiting biological-parent families; and 33 times higher when the mother is cohabiting with a boyfriend who is not the biological father (Crouse, op. cit.). Abuse of women: Compared to a married woman, a cohabiting woman is three times more likely to experience physical aggression (Salari, S.M., Baldwin, B.M., "Verbal, Physical, and Injurious Aggression Among Intimate Couples Over Time," Journal of Family Issues, May 2002), and nine times more likely to be murdered (Shackelford, T.K., "Cohabitation, Marriage, and Murder: Woman-Killing by Male Romantic Partners," Aggressive Behavior, vol. 27, 2001). This data is consistent with similar data on children.
http://www.lifesitenews.com/ldn/2007/oct/07100902.html
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 5/19/2009 10:03:37 AM |
He replied that men cannot hit back, so they just have to take it. That was an eye opener.
And if a female said this, they'd call her dumb. If it isn't a sufficient excuse for a grown woman, how much more is it an excuse for a grown man?
There are loads of abusive people in this world. Predominantly, we still see way more women in domestic abuse shelters as well as emergency rooms in hospitals with black eyes and broken noses than we do men.
I do not believe that the numbers are equal as if this is some method by which men somehow disregard the abuse toward women when it was acceptable to hit a wife with a stick not thicker than your thumb way back when...give me a break.
I have been hit twice, choked once...on both occasions they were drinking and NO , I did nothing to provoke it. All I can say is that I'm very glad that I had common sense enough to get the hell out of there before things got worse.
This idea that a woman must have done something to deserve or provoke it, in my case, is sheer nonsense. It was part and parcel of their behavior around the consumption of alcohol. Stupid is as stupid does.
I never stuck around long enough to be considered a "battered woman" but if any man ever tried that crap on me, I'd make damn sure he lived up to his mistake for a very long time.
Abuse in any form is unacceptable behavior for adults. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 5/19/2009 10:42:39 AM | Only an idiot would think the victim of abuse somehow provoked it.
I can't see how a man could let a woman abuse him to the point of breaking his bones in anyway, all he'd have to do is grab her hand or arm and stop her.
Men can overpower women in a lot more cases than the reverse. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 5/19/2009 10:51:46 AM |
Men can overpower women in a lot more cases than the reverse.
Which is probably one of the reasons that many men will resort to abuse. The vast majority of the men that abuse their wives, girlfriends or whatevers, is because they are physically stronger. It is probably the only thing they can control in their lives, so it makes them feel powerful in that situation. The ironic thing is that most of these men would never get physical with someone their own size, wouldnt want to get beat up themselves would they?
I watched my Dad smack my Mother around on a faitly regular basis when things werent going his way.... | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 5/19/2009 11:30:00 AM | "I can't see how a man could let a woman abuse him to the point of breaking his bones in anyway, all he'd have to do is grab her hand or arm and stop her."
I sat in a court room and in one day I saw a man that had be run over by his wife (lived but in a wheel chair for life) , a man who had been stabbed by his girlfriend (mother of his children) and a man that had been shoot at, but his wife missed. This was just one day in a court room. All violance, I would say most of this kind is not lets take it out back and fight. What sucked for these men is if they had tried to take the kids and go to the shelter they would have been turned away becase the shelter here does not take men, even men with kids. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 5/19/2009 12:08:53 PM | I didn't realize the numbers for men being abused was so high. Doesn't surprise me really, but interesting to learn.
I think that people (I stress people) have a craving for power and control. When they lose their control they seek power. Some in violent forms, others in verbally abusive forms. To be in a relationship with any sort of abuse is hard. But for those that actually get out and learn that they deserve better they are taking that power away from the abuser and if more actually left and didn't go back time and time again maybe we would see numbers decrease. But, will that ever happen?? Probably not. Maybe it comes from a bad childhood, maybe they had a great childhood and something inside them sets of a rage, maybe like another post stated it's drugs or alcohol...who knows, I doubt this question could ever be narrowed down to one answer. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 5/19/2009 1:21:09 PM | In many situations.... its a total power trip also. I know my ex- was all about power... have the house clean, dinner ready....etc., I think that it has a lot to do with it.... and for those of you who said that a man can over power a women.... that isnt always true.... Just because they are male doesnt make them stronger than any women.. I mean in alot of cases yes but its not always the way it goes..... In my past I have dated men that I could kick the crap out of if I wanted to...but chose not to obviously...just a little thought... a MAN is a MAN regardless of physical strength...and we have to remember that there are men out there that are kisses cuddles and  ......... their not all tough guys all the time. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 5/19/2009 2:30:16 PM |
I sat in a court room and in one day I saw a man that had be run over by his wife (lived but in a wheel chair for life) , a man who had been stabbed by his girlfriend (mother of his children) and a man that had been shoot at, but his wife missed. This was just one day in a court room. All violance, I would say most of this kind is not lets take it out back and fight. What sucked for these men is if they had tried to take the kids and go to the shelter they would have been turned away becase the shelter here does not take men, even men with kids.
Wow, that is horrible. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 5/19/2009 2:36:43 PM |
and for those of you who said that a man can over power a women.... that isnt always true.... Just because they are male doesnt make them stronger than any women.. I mean in alot of cases yes but its not always the way it goes.
I didn't see anyone say that.
I purposefully said this:
Men can overpower women in a lot more cases than the reverse. | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 5/19/2009 3:54:48 PM | Abuse is far more rampant, and in all types of homes than most would think. Women are raised in as many abusive child hood homes as men are, and definatly as capable of being abusive.
I know a man, a large, strong man, who no one would ever want to mess with, is abused by his wife. We all came back to thiers one night and as he walked in, he ducked, and a cystal ashtray barely missed his head. She changed her tune when she saw all of us, but I think she whooped his azz later on! He is a gentleman, he would never hit a woman. She takes advantage. If I had not seen this with my own eyes, I would have bet the farm that she was not capable of that. All outside appearances, they are a normal, happy couple! | |
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| Why Are There So Many Abusive Men? (Not Here)
Posted: 5/19/2009 6:36:54 PM | | One of the big shockers for me was how many men who rape women, are in fact survivors of abuse by women and it's their way of lashing out in revenge... | |
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