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 MissJess76
Joined: 4/22/2009
Msg: 1
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Dating with a Disability... ?'sPage 1 of 1    
I was just curious if any members on here has a disability, and if so, how is the dating market? Due to an injury, I am disabled (you would never tell from looking at me) and I find that getting back into the "dating" world is scary because I do have some limitations and, well, it's scary to have to admit that. I cannot enjoy amusement parks like normal people because walking for too long is hard on me since I have permanent nerve damage from an injury that happened almost 3 years ago. I cannot go out dancing like normal women (although I have tried but it's so painful for me) and I cannot play spoorts (although I would love to--- I played sports my whole life prior to being hurt!) and sometimes being too close to bands that are playing can exaserbate my nerves and cause me pain. Are there people out there who honestly do not care if someone is disabled or not? Do you pass someone's message up if you know they are disabled in any way? Don't worry about hurting my feelings-- I am looking for honest and heartfelt answers here. I don't want to waste my time on this site if people will pass me up because of my limitations. I am still a great gal with a lot to offer-- I just cannot be as physically active as other women my age.

Here's another question: when should someone who does have limitations make it known? In their profile... on the first date... etc? I did update my profile to mention my limitations because it is part of my life and after that I noticed the amount of mail I received diminished by 90%. The funny thing is, unless I tell you straight up I am disabled you would never even know it and it hurts that men don't even take the time to get to know me before passing judgements.

Any help or opinions on this matter would be great. If you have a story to share please do, as I really want to know if people with limitations have successful dating stories.

*Hugs*
Jess
 mysticlisa
Joined: 1/20/2005
Msg: 2
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Dating with a Disability... ?'s
Posted: 5/21/2009 6:42:44 PM
Dating for me is rare due to my disability. There are very few who look past it. I have went to several events and realized after a while that the men will be cordial, but not give you a second thought of dating you. I am a very active person, but no one will give me the chance to prove it.

I disclose my disability on my profile. All I seem to get is those that want to bed you down, then dump you. No one is ever caring enough to get to know me.

But that's ok. I don't need a man to make me happy. It's just sad that many don't realize that I KNOW how to get around my disability, but if they happen to become disabled by a tragic accident or just by age, they will be lost and try to depend on those that think they are now worthless, even though they aren't.

Don't be upset by the lack of emails, you are lucky that the creeps and ignorant men are leaving you alone.

Just be happy with yourself and life will take its own course.
 Wavfact
Joined: 4/6/2007
Msg: 3
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Dating with a Disability... ?'s
Posted: 5/21/2009 6:43:43 PM
Ok.. I'll bite.. what are your limitations? I did read your profile (cover to cover) but not really any mention of physical limitations other than your weight gain?

You know that guys on this site only look at the pictures right? Those of us that do actually READ probably have a hard time getting past the first paragraph with all the refereneces to criminals and such... I actually thought the entire profile was negative and was written by someone wanting to look out side of the trailer park (not meant to offend). Your profile is an information overload, too much is given and some that shouldn't be..

I realize you are new here, you should take some time, read what other people write, introduce yourself and get to know everyone. You don't need to write a 10 page essay on your first post about what women want.. Try telling us what YOU want (just the positives please).

You should try some of the events, you meet a lot of people and make some damn good friends along the way.. Besides, if your worried about criminals, just don't talk to the one's who's being hauled off by the police.. The guy being questioned for peeing in the woods isn't nessesarily a criminal, he was too drunk to walk to the restrooms..

Dennis
 MissJess76
Joined: 4/22/2009
Msg: 4
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Dating with a Disability... ?'s
Posted: 5/21/2009 7:11:29 PM
Hi Dennis,
Thanks for the honest feedback. To answer your question about my limitations, I have nerve damage from an injury that is in my feet and legs. I look fine on the outside, but it's hard for me to do certain things like normal people without too much pain. I am not in a wheel chair but I do sometimes limp. However, I feel it's best to be honest because some men on here like real active women who can do anything, and I am not one of those types of women no matter how much I would like to be.

As for my profile, I agree with you that it's long. I contemplated keeping it short and sweet then decided it made more sense to say what I wanted to say right off the bat. Infact, I have been a member here now for about a month, and my profile wasn't that long in the beginning. I had my first date with someone I met on here and during the date he was arrested. I learned from the cops who pulled us over that he had a warrant out for his arrest and had 27 others convictions against him... and I am talking about some REAL bad convictions. This guy said all the right things in his profile and on the phone and basically lied about his whole life. If we hadn't been pulled over and had he not been arrested then things could have progressed between us which would have been a horrible experience for me considering he did nothing but lie about himself.

So, because of that experience I deicded it was best to add to my profile about being a criminal. To try to weed out any other potential "bad worms"so to speak. But I guess from your perspective you found that "not cool."

I will take your suggestions to heart and shorten what I wrote in my profile. I am just not sure why you felt, or got the impression you did, that I am looking out from a trailer park? I don't know what I said that could have given that impression at all. Very strange that you would make that particular comment, since I have never lived in a trailer in my life and the house I just sold was $280 k. I am not sure if you mean I sound like I am trailer trash? If so, that's not the impression I want to give and you thinking my profile was very negative was also alarming. Not very good comments you have given me and it's the first time hearing anyone speak so negatively of my profile. Again, thank you though.. I did ask for honest opinions, but I meant about the disability issue, not necessarily to critique me and my profile. Wow.

I will take some time to think on how I will change my profile and still weed out any potential trouble makers at the same time-- AND how not to sound negative and trashy while I am at it. I never intended to come off in any way as being negative. I was just trying to be honest and divulge enough information to not waste anyone's time on here. Most profiles have no info on it which is equally frustrating.


 Wavfact
Joined: 4/6/2007
Msg: 5
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Posted: 5/21/2009 8:19:31 PM
OMG!!! Arrested on your first date!? Ok.. well.. I guess you do have reservations..

You can't go thru life thinking the worst.. I've met my fair share trust me (albiet none were arrested!).. I've been around long enough to know no 2 people are the same but have learned quite a few "warning signs" to look out for. I do go into any new meeting with 100% trust, later on if they do something to lose that trust, its their loss..

Well. its late.. night all..
Dennis
 racefan529
Joined: 4/13/2007
Msg: 6
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Posted: 5/22/2009 9:27:56 AM
sometimes i think it's a matter of how we view ourselves......although the tag hanging in my windshield labels me disabled, i view it as a challenge. yes, since my most recent injury, i do spend a lot of my time in a wheelchair outside of my home. i can walk short distances, but the risk of falling (yet again) is way to great to walk on unfamiliar surfaces. that said, i would avoid a first date at the beach.
having a more positive "i can" attitude has been very helpful. i often tell somebody when we first speak on the phone or after we have corresponded via email a few times just so there's no shock if i'm using a crutch or wheelchair when we meet. i have found many men on here to be very open minded. we are not all perfect and most of us are past the age of expecting perfection. there are bad dates all the time, i'm not sure relating it directly to physical limitations is fair or accurate. try to weed out the criminals as best you can and dive in to the pond. i agree completely with Dennis about attending events too, good times and GREAT friends.
good luck!
 buckeyegal1963
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 7
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Dating with a Disability... ?'s
Posted: 5/22/2009 11:37:46 AM
I can relate somewhat MissJess, I had a leg injury early 2008 and still have some nerve damage going on in that leg and foot, and may never regain 100% range of motion. I don't consider myself disabled though, I just can't do things like skiing or rock climbing, and I look rather silly if I try to run. There's always a sensation going on in my leg, but it doesn't cause me real pain unless I really overdo it. Perhaps my nerve damage wasn't as extensive as yours, but I'm able to dance. I may not dance well, lol, but I enjoy it. Have you tried physical therapy and tens unit? Both have been very helpful to me, although I can't say the physical therapy was exactly fun.

Some of the men may bash me for this, but as long as you are able to be physical in THAT way, I don't think many would mind that you may have some limitations if everything else gelled.

I have to agree with Wavfact about your profile, I'm sure he was just giving you some friendly advice and wasn't insulting you. People are attracted to positive people, and the people you're trying to avoid as you mentioned in your first several paragraphs aren't going to bother reading it....and in actuality they may think you'd be an even easier *victim* knowing that you've fallen for it before. I'd scratch everything you have written before "Hi, I'm Jess...." There's no need to tell people that you've changed your profile because someone had thought it too negative either. The only way you're going to avoid the types you're not wanting to attract is through getting to know them through messages/phone calls before meeting up. There are almost always signs if we're willing to see them that someone probably isn't good for us.

Meeting and dating people online is all a crapshoot, if you want to win you have to throw the dice and hope for the best, of course we want to hedge our bets as well though. Think of it this way....how many male profiles have you seen that are pretty negative, saying stuff like "Tired of the headgames, no drama queens, all you females are stuck up snobs and won't reply to your messages, etc. Odds are that you're turned off by those kinds of profiles, I know I am, it makes me think they're very negative bitter people. I think it's pretty much a given that none of us want a criminal, a sex offender, alcoholic, drama queen etc., by stating negative things such as that, it just may be driving away someone who has a positive outlook on life who would have contacted you if not for the negativity.

Good luck :)
 Karaokebear
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 8
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Dating with a Disability... ?'s
Posted: 5/26/2009 8:57:06 PM
Any profile that has negativity, male-bashing, etc. will not have me as a respondent. IMHO, your profile and outlook on life should be a No Negativity Zone. I'm not your ex, I'm not everybody you've had a bad date with, just judge me on my own qualities, if you please.
 DesertFox3
Joined: 8/6/2005
Msg: 9
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Dating with a Disability... ?'s
Posted: 5/31/2009 10:33:56 AM
Define disability?

I am often in pain, yet I don't consider it a disability at all... & The winter makes it worse.

Doctor defined disability?? Many of us can't or do not go to doctors, or seek treatment for this out of inability, or lack of insurance.
 OutdoorGirl2
Joined: 2/17/2008
Msg: 10
Dating with a Disability... ?'s
Posted: 5/31/2009 6:13:34 PM
Wavfact/Dennis is right that one of the best ways to met new people is to get out to the events.. I have been on this site since last July.. & the first week on here was invited to go on a bike run.. I wasn't sure.. because I was a little shy about meeting new people.. because that sweet guy asked me to step outside my comfort zone.. I have some of the best friends that I have ever had.. a group of fun people who go on bike runs out of Lancaster, Logan, some come from Cincy.. Ky .. WV & where I live.. Male & female friends.. Wavfact has even gone on their runs... step out of your comfort zone once in a while.. When people met you in person.. it is so much easier to make a good impression.. than sitting here typing on a keyboard..
 Wavfact
Joined: 4/6/2007
Msg: 11
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Posted: 5/31/2009 7:13:35 PM
You make a lot of good friends from attending events.. I'm not talking "internet friends" either, but REAL friends.. My closest friends are people I've met at the events.. One's I would do anythign for and who would do anythign for me.. You just can't find a better nuch anywhere else.. Although I've given up finding a date on this site, I wouldn't leave for any reason. My friends are here and thats where I want to be.

I am in no way put off by a person's disability.. After all, we ALL have some sort of limitation in some shape or form. You would have to be a shallow person to not see beyond that sort of thing. If the amount of messages decrease, then those weren't the ones for you anyway. I do beleive if you have patience, the "perfect" one will appear eventualy.. Heck, I've been waiting for quite some time! lol Do I guess don't take my word for it.. Though it probably helps to message some people than expect them to message you first eh?

We have a camping trip coming up in 2 weeks.. You should think about attending, I gurantee you will have a blast!

Dennis
 racefan529
Joined: 4/13/2007
Msg: 12
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Posted: 6/1/2009 1:32:45 PM
for you ,Dennis, share that with that wonderful group of friends down south.
miss all of you!
 ColsBigfut
Joined: 4/21/2009
Msg: 13
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Posted: 6/1/2009 6:19:35 PM
Something thats bugged me about this post that I just can't shake, I just have to ask in general. Why are you calling it a disability when its a limitation? You know its either not going to change or not likely to change. So why not look at it as a limitation instead of a disability? If you can at least do some of those things is that not better than being unable to do them at all? Because to me it takes losing the complete ability for it to be a disability, instead of it just being a limitation because you are only able to do so much of a certain thing.

Just something that was on my mind all weekend but I just now got the chance to pose the question here.
 climbsagain
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 14
Dating with a Disability... ?'s
Posted: 6/1/2009 7:12:51 PM
Something thats bugged me about this post that I just can't shake, I just have to ask in general. Why are you calling it a disability when its a limitation?


Its all in the way we say it. However at this time it is not PC to say you have a limitation. If the problem limits a person the PC perception is a person is unable to do something. A disability is just the way it is without describing what you can or cannot do.
 mysticlisa
Joined: 1/20/2005
Msg: 15
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Posted: 6/2/2009 6:50:48 AM
Honestly, there is no good word. Disabled, handicapped, limited, crippled: they are all horrible words in my opinion. But I think disabled is the most kind word in the list.

I can do just about anything any one else can do, I just have to find a way that suits me in order to accomplish it. The ONLY thing that I can't do is bungee (sp?) jump, and that's only because of the guidelines set. It would be too easy to displace my hip if I did jump. If I had my way I would jump from a bridge all day. I guess you can call me a thrill seeker.

I can only say that the majority of the people here look on the outside and not the inside of a person. I am not the most attractive person on the planet, and I do need to lose weight; but I am still worthy of knowing.

I can't tell you how many times that I have went to events and wound up sitting by myself for a long period of time. I cannot get up and constantly walk from person to person to introduce myself. So, yes, I am not like those that you tell to get up and make the rounds and get to meet people.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I know attraction is a big part of finding someone to date, but once a "disability" is discovered, many do a 180 and walk away without getting to know the person. If you would stick around you may find out that the person can do what you do, maybe with a little help, but it can be managed.

Ask anyone in Columbus that went to Cedar Point with me on how I handled the roller coasters. Even some without any kind of disability wouldn't even think about getting on them. LOL
 racefan529
Joined: 4/13/2007
Msg: 16
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Posted: 6/3/2009 4:36:22 PM
i understand what you mean about what word sounds prettier, i prefer "she works harder to do that".
fut, i agree with you , in fact in my previous post i referred to "physical limitations" however, we all have different limits with one thing or another. we are just not perfect and the more we age the less perfect we become. no big deal.
mysticlisa, i don't think any of us has met the majority of people on here, so i'm not sure that it's fair to state that the majority are looking on the outside, and sweetie, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. believe in yourself.
my point is, we only limit ourselves by not creating ways to do things within our own capacity. of course i'm not recommending we do something harmful , just don't let life pass us by without trying harder.
 mysticlisa
Joined: 1/20/2005
Msg: 17
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Posted: 6/3/2009 5:31:04 PM
Never said that I let life pass me over. I just moved to a new city and having a wonderful time discovering bits and pieces of it.

I just wanted the OP to understand that her mail will drop drastically and events aren't always the answers. This site many not even be the answer. The answer is just as individual as the person looking.
 dancer92746
Joined: 4/4/2006
Msg: 18
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Posted: 6/15/2009 6:58:55 AM
jess

It can bea problem. I have found discussing a disability right away is best. I have had 2 strokes and can't drive a car due to vision problems as a result. Some people are fine with it and some are not. There is no general answer. I have been lucky in that i have meet some great people who like me the way I am.

Patrick
 wildbill5891
Joined: 3/23/2008
Msg: 19
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Dating with a Disability... ?'s
Posted: 6/16/2009 3:44:56 PM
I have one leg that is 1 1/2" shorter than the other one. So mine is quite obvious. I didn't
have a handicapped placard till 5 yrs ago. I never considered myself handicapped. I just
walk a little slower. One of my previous employers asked me why I didn't have a placard.
I told them I didn't need one. Their employee parking lot was quite large. I did event-
ually get one.
 jrg8smn
Joined: 5/11/2009
Msg: 20
Dating with a Disability... ?'s
Posted: 6/21/2009 9:38:37 AM
I don't really consider myself disabled, but I do have a congenital condition that prevents me from enjoying some activities. I have a condition called "Hydrocephalus". Some of you may know it by its more common name 'water on the brain'. What that means is that I have a shunt implanted under my skin that conducts the flow of the spinal fluid in my body because my body does not have the ability to circulate it like a normal person. You wouldn't know anything is wrong from looking at me, because there are no outward signs of the condition, but some simple things are a little more difficult for me than others. Things like riding a bike, climbing ladders, and anything else where balance is an issue. I don't use a cane, but maybe I should. I drive my own car, I have a job, and try to conduct myself as normal as possible. Dating has not been as big a problem as I might have expected, but I try to make sure that any woman I meet knows about the condition before we get too far along in a relationship. I do need a revision, or a replacement of all or part of the tubing from time to time, but, knock on wood, it's been 8 years since I have had any real issues to deal with, other than the almost constant headaches I suffer because of the condition. I don't like, or want, to be treated any different than anybody else, but I like to make sure that any woman I date has an understanding of things, and that she can relax and not let it worry her.
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