| Dating Advice for Men from a Woman!
Posted: 5/21/2009 6:10:54 PM | I have read so many posts on here now from men who are very discouraged with online dating because they have some of several women who have deleted messages that were written to them without reading and responding, or the message was read but not responded to. Then there are other men who just don't understand us women at all, and want to know how we think. Or men who think that the only thing women are looking for is men with good looks and/or money. Yes, that is true in certain cases but PLEASE do not generalize the entire female population for mistakes other women make. Most women aren't like that. If you keep finding women like that then perhaps you are looking for the wrong TYPE of woman in general. Like attracts like in most cases.
I am going to try and help you out by giving you a woman's perspective on things.
For many of us (of the female species), I have to say that we don't look at how much money a man makes, nor do we find shirtless pics of men sexy enough to warrant a response to a message. For me, I am intimidated if a man is too good looking or has money. Infact, men with money is a turn off for me. Most of them are arrogant SOB's who don't know how to treat others with respect and kindness because they are so assuming that money will buy them anything. Well, their money won't buy me! And if a man is too good looking? Chances are high that he knows it and acts it. Chances are also high that he will only date other equally beautiful people or has a wandering eye. No, most women like the everyday man who they find an attraction for and who is hard working. Most women really don't care about how much is in his paycheck... we care about things like loyalty, faithfulness, kindness, etc. We want someone who can be our best friends and someone we can grow old with. Someone good with children and treats his mom with love and respect. Someone who isn't a criminal that is in and out of jail. You know, a guy that is like MOST of the men out there that are already married and taken because another woman was smart enough to snatch him up!
Coming from an everyday down to earth woman, here is what my take is on the whole "why do women delete messages without reading?" or "why do women not respond back to my message?" or even "why am I wasting my time on here?" issues.
Men, I am going to tell it like it is, and you can either love or hate what I am going to say but just listen and try to hear what I am telling you. Not what you want to hear, but what I am telling you.
First, don't EVER get discouraged with being on this site, or question why you even bother. You are here for a reason. To meet and date someone. But, in order to do so you HAVE to put in the effort to do so and do it with a positive attitude. DON'T get discouraged if you see that a woman read your message and deleted without reply... or that a woman didn't read your message and deleted it. Here's the facts: There are MANY different reasons why that happens. Maybe she looked at your profile and something she read didn't agree with her, like the fact that perhaps you live too far away or have kids or smoke or WHATEVER. Maybe she looked at your profile and wasn't attracted to you. Maybe she just gets tooo much mail and was overwhelmed. Who knows what the real reason is but you automatically look at it in a negative light and get frustrated. Then you decide that online dating isn't what you thought it would be, or that it's a waste of time, or that all women play games, etc. Enough self pity and whining MEN! Man up and stick to you guns! Online dating CAN be a great way to meet someone special IF you have the right approach about it.
If you send a woman a message and it does get deleted with or without being read, then
try the postitive approach/thinking in dealing with those situations and think about it these ways instead:
A.) obviously the women who do that are NOT meant to be in your life.
B.) at least she is not leading you on and wasting your time or giving false hope.
C.) just think of them as one less bad date... lol.
D.) It free's you up for bigger and better women.
As a woman who is on here looking to meet someone special, I can tell you first hand that women get MUCH more mail then the men do. It's a statistical fact.
In case you are aware of this or not, we get some of the worst mail imaginable.
For example, on average I will get at least 3 messages each day that all say the same thing: "Hey, your hot. Let's talk."
Uh. Ok. That's flattering and all but when you have 20 or more of those EXACT messages each week it gets old FAST! And to be honest, it sounds so generic.
Coming from a woman, I am much less prone to responding to messages that only say that. Honestly. You want my attention then say something to capture it. Instead of telling me how hot I am, why don't you start off my saying "I am Tom and I read your profile. I noticed that you and I have things in common such as ___. (go on to fill in the blank with something you read that you DO have in common with her)" Tell her WHY you wanted to contact her. What made her stand out from any other woman on here. Did you like her smile? Tell her that. Maybe you live close to each other? Mention that. Maybe you contact every woman on here just because you are that desperate... (DON'T tell a woman that, lol!), but whatever your reason validate to her WHY you felt the need to contact her without being too generic. Another good example of being too generic? The classic one of "Hi. Wanna Talk?" Sure, that's a great way to spark up a conversation, but again, remember that women get 75% MORE messages than you do, and we get that same line MANY times a day. It's just as frustrating to open a message that just says that and nothing else.
Men, you need to make yourself stand out. Don't be someone your not but step up a bit and do a little work. With anything in life, success doesn't come easy for most. And that includes dating. If it was too easy do you think there would be so many damned single people? Nope. You cannot be lazy and expect everything. Have faith, perseverance, and portray a positive self-image. Another thing that turns most women off is negativity. Whether it's a bad attitude or a man who is so**** about himself it's disgusting-- whatever it is, just be aware that it can be a big turn off for a woman. Especially the men who are always like "poor me" or Ï'm just not good enough"-- get over it. If you want to date then you need to be self-assured but not****.
Next... let's be real. It's a smorgasboard of people on here. Most of us with having jobs and kids have very little time for the games associated with dating. So if somone doesn't respond to a message then BIG WHOOP! Move on. There's other fish in the sea (no pun intended). You get back on the horse and ride on.
Let's pretend that dating was a job you got paid to do... a real career that paid a nice salary & benefits. Just like any job there are things you will like about it and things that will drive you crazy. But just because it's dating you are willing to give it up and quit? to stereo-type all women for mistakes of others? Would you quit that "dating"job just because of some frustrations it gave you? If you were being paid for it, I would guess not. So, look at it as a job.. and one you cannot quit. Keep at it and when the going gets tough KEEP going!
Here are some other tips to consider:
1.) Everyone has their own definition of attraction. Just like you have a certain "type"of woman you are attracted to, women have certain types of men they are atracted to. You aren't always going to find someone who is attracted to you and that is OK. It doesn't make her a bad person, just like it doesn't make you a bad person for what you feel attractions for. If you send a message and she doesn't respond, don't take it to heart. I mean, who gives a poop? There are worse thing in life to worry over. And be honest-- have you not never done that to a woman who you were not attracted to? I know I have contacted a few men on here who never responded to my messages either. No big deal.... you love on. Obviously there was something about my looks or something in my profile that they didn't jive with. It's nothing personal and should never be taken that way.
2.) If you really want a woman to respond to your message, then take the time to write a message just for her, and make it one worth taking the time to read and respond to. Maybe a little joke to make her laugh, or tell her a story about something in your life... anything that would capture her attention. Even tell her in your message that if you aren't intersted for whatever reason to let you know... as a simple courtesy.
3.) Not all women are into appearances no matter what you think. Or money as I mentioned before. Personally, profiles where men are showing off their bodies are kinda annoying. I know it's a big ol competition in here but be yourself. If you honestly think that a woman is more apt to respond to you cause you have a shirtless pic then you are getting the wrong kind of attention. Also, keep in mind that it may also intimidate certain women. For example, let's say you are not picky about a woman's body and would gladly date a woman who was a little chunky and had curves.
ALL WOMEN suffer with self-esteem issues in one way or another... and THEY ALL worry about their weight and size. If you are Mr. Body Builder and show off that fantastic bod, how many messages will you realistically get from women who might have a genuine interest in you but were intimidated by your body? Because maybe they think they might not have the right body type to interst you? I know I get intimidated like that.
4. No one is perfect. Don't look for perfection. Don't judge women based solely on looks either. That's a great way to get burned. If you haven't realized it by now, LOTS of women who have the perfect hair, and perfect body, and the dark tan, and the fake boobs, and the flat belly, and the designer clothes are just HIGH MAINTENANCE and more hassle than their worth. And some of them require so much physical maintenance that to keep up with looking so good costs LOTS of money. Chances are, they are on here looking for someone with the money to maintain their lifestyle so BUYER BEWARE! Broaden your horizons and look at a what a woman writes in here profile.... don't make assumptions based off of a picture. There are plenty of GREAT women on this site who aren't perfectly gorgeous and yet are freaking awesome woman, myself being one of them.
5. Lots of men want women with no kids and won't date anyone who has any. Sorry to disappoint you men, but the older you get the harder it will be to find women like that. IIt's a fact of life that adult women get married and have children. Maybe you just don't like kids, and that's fine.... but some men on here have children and still won't date someone who does. What a crock of crap.... and you will potentially miss out on a great woman too with that thinking. Be open to someone for who they ARE, not where life has taken them. You may find yourself pleasantly surprised......
6. Just like your time is precious to you, our time is precious to us. So, if you aren't on here for the right reasons than don't waste our time! I read so many posts from men griping about women wasting time, but really, it's just as bad for us. Men who say they are looking for a relationship and have been on here for 5 years and yet have not been in one yet. Really?!!? Sounds a little commitment phobish to me.
7. If your a SHY guy, then unless you come out of your shell you won't have much success. It's ok to be shy-- but if you really want success with online dating then YOU need to make the effort to contact women and meet them. If you think that someone will come to you and it will magically happen you are SADLY mistaken. Dating takes time, work, and EFFORT to be successful. And it's takes equal effort on both parts-- not just yours.
8. Don't lie. Nothing is more aggravating than having a date with someone on here who said all the right things in their profile. Then you meet them for the first time and are like "what the F!" No lies. Post recent pics of yourself... not of a buddy, not one of you from high school. A RECENT and clear picture. And for those men out there who don't even post a picture... come on... what are you trying to hide? Post a pic and don't waste my time. If you don't post a pic than don't be surprised if your inbox doesn't get much action. I will not bother with someone if I cannot see what they look like for 2 reason: either they are not confident enough with their looks to want to post a pic or they have something to hide. Either way, you will not hear from me without a pic, and that goes back to the whole "attraction"thing. Why waste someone's time?
Also, be truthful about what you want and who you are. My first date on here was with a man who said all the right things and was attractive. We went on a date and had a great time until the ride home. We were pulled over and I found out the hard way he had a warrent out for his arrest and was a criminal! With over 27 other charges against him! SO DON'T LIE and make yourself out to be this perfect person. Otherwise FATE will step in (like she did for me) and reveal your lies.
9. Have fun! Don't place too many expectations on dating. Just go out there, be yourself and have a good time. Don't get angry if things aren't always perfect.... and don't get discouraged. You will eventually find someone. It might be sooner or later but you will!!!
10. Men are from mars are women are from venus. End of story. No matter how hard we might try, we will never be able to fully figure each other out. So why bother. let's just get along and enjoy this ride together and not sweat the small stuff. If you have any questions that you want a real womans input on, just ask me. If you haven't already been able to tell, I will be open and honest and tell you like it is without the BS.
I hope this information was insightful... I am here trying to help you out and clear up a few issues that some men seemed to have been troubled with. My intentions are good, so no replying back to attack anything I may have said. That won't get you a date, lol. ; )
*Hugs*
Jess | |
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| Dating Advice for Men from a Woman!
Posted: 5/21/2009 6:28:09 PM | | Wow , that was like a short story! LOL. Don't know that I agree with all of that but not bad either. I get the read and deleted messages all the time and I usually think, "Oh well their loss" and yeah I understand all the reasons for why that happens. I try to be as open and honest as I can be, why people lie and try to be something your not baffles me? I mean if you plan on meeting someone and your nothing like your picture and or profile what do you think is going to happen? Hey I don't have all the answers and don't pretend to, not sure I write the best messages or have the best profile but at least I know I'm real! O.k stepping off the soapbox now!LOL | |
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| Dating Advice for Men from a Woman!
Posted: 5/25/2009 4:23:55 AM | Dating takes time, work, and EFFORT to be successful. And it's takes equal effort on both parts-- not just yours.
Thats the problem. Not enough time to climb and date. Easy choice, I will go climb! | |
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| Dating Advice for Men from a Woman!
Posted: 5/25/2009 8:58:48 AM | I just want to say thank you Jess... what you write is true. It is true on both sides though. So I think this works for men and women. I get the same messages you mention and don't appreciate it. Most of the profiles I look at don't have enough details in the about me to suggest an atraction. That is important too. Not just "Hi, I'm JimBob and I like sports, camping, and anything out doors. I am funny and easy going." That is not enough lol 
But the street is two ways in dating and everyone needs to remember that! Happy Fishing  | |
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| Dating Advice for Men from a Woman!
Posted: 5/25/2009 9:06:57 AM | You know Jim Bob??????? Any chance you might be able to get me a date with Mary Ellen or Erin???
There could be a lollipop in it for ya. lol | |
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| Dating Advice for Men from a Woman!
Posted: 5/25/2009 11:41:57 AM |
You know Jim Bob??????? Any chance you might be able to get me a date with Mary Ellen or Erin??? There could be a lollipop in it for ya. lol
I only know Betty Sue... sorry!?  | |
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| Dating Advice for Men from a Woman!
Posted: 5/25/2009 11:58:58 AM | Had ya known Bobbi Sue instead of Betty Sue I woulda been interested for certain. Anyone worthy of an Oak Ridge Boys song that is older than you are and still gets the feet movin, well she would have to be worthwhile.
Betty Sue I think I will pass on as I think she maybe a cousin of mine and we actually live in Ohio and not one of the Southern states, so it might not be as well accepted here in Buckeye Land as it might be in Dixie. | |
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| Dating Advice for Men from a Woman!
Posted: 5/25/2009 1:57:06 PM | You say in the beginning of your post OP to not lump all women in to a bad category, yet you do the exact same thing with men that have money and looks.
I read the entire post but kept going back to the fact that it was hypocritical of you from the very start. Had you not been that way I probably would have said that this was a good post.
Instead it comes across as a clever way of whining that men contact you without sincerity in their e-mails. | |
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| Dating Advice for Men from a Woman!
Posted: 5/26/2009 6:27:39 AM | Miss Jess,
Thank you for a well thought-out post. You make me want to write one up for the ladies, but so far most of the women I've met here already seem to "get it" without needing a guide! It's us men that could really stand to use the help! Thanks!!! | |
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| Dating Advice for Men from a Woman!
Posted: 5/26/2009 9:37:32 AM | In what way do I do the same thing with money or looks? I have no idea what you are reading, but it's NOT the post or my profile or anything I have written. I never condone that. You misinterpreted something. I did say that women may look at a profile and not respond (and then listed examples of why), and agreed that SOME women may only want men with looks and/or money but not MOST of us.... There was nothing hypocrital that was written, and I am sorry that instead of reading the post with the intention in which it was written you have chosen to make it out to be a way for me to "whine" so that men contact me/us women without sincerity? That makes no sense. Again, I am not sure what you read or in what context it was taken in but you did NOT get the jist of what I wrote nor was it apparently understood by you.
Wow.... lol. but, everyone is entitled to their opinions, lol.
I just wanted to help some men out who are confused by us women. | |
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| Dating Advice for Men from a Woman!
Posted: 5/26/2009 9:48:51 AM | My above message was to rnrcitylaw, and same with this post:
This is what I wrote that you referred to... just so we are clear on what your post and my responding posts are discussing:
For many of us (of the female species), I have to say that we don't look at how much money a man makes, nor do we find shirtless pics of men sexy enough to warrant a response to a message. For me, I am intimidated if a man is too good looking or has money. Infact, men with money is a turn off for me. Most of them are arrogant SOB's who don't know how to treat others with respect and kindness because they are so assuming that money will buy them anything. Well, their money won't buy me! And if a man is too good looking? Chances are high that he knows it and acts it. Chances are also high that he will only date other equally beautiful people or has a wandering eye. No, most women like the everyday man who they find an attraction for and who is hard working. Most women really don't care about how much is in his paycheck... we care about things like loyalty, faithfulness, kindness, etc. We want someone who can be our best friends and someone we can grow old with. Someone good with children and treats his mom with love and respect. Someone who isn't a criminal that is in and out of jail. You know, a guy that is like MOST of the men out there that are already married and taken because another woman was smart enough to snatch him up!
Hmmm... maybe you didn't understand the line where I wrote "For me, I am intimidated if a man is too good looking or has money." I go on to say that MOST women want normal men... and do NOT look for good looks and/or money.
And I still think that is a very true statement. There are women gold diggers. There are also MALE gold diggers. But men nor women should be grouped into that category automatically without justification... and by reading lots of other thread posts from men who are frustrated with online dating for THOSE very reasons, I decided to write my topic about dating advice. Take it for what it's worth. You obviously didn't agree with what I wrote and that is fine, but make sure when you post a reply to someone that you at least have read fully what you are attacking them for, and have understood what was written.
:) Jess | |
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| Dating Advice for Men from a Woman!
Posted: 5/26/2009 4:20:37 PM | Amen MissJess, good advice for both men and women. I want to stress your second point...please guys, when you send a message to a woman make it clear that you've read her profile. Point out a common interest you might share, ask a question about something she's written in her profile, something that lets that particular woman know that you have a potential interest in her. It will greatly increase your odds of getting a positive response back. As MissJess said, women get way too many generic "Hey sexy, wanna chat" messages. Give us something to work with, something that will get a dialog flowing.
I'd also like to add to MissJess's advice, take the time to have at least a little something of substance in your profile. It doesn't have to be a novella, but it seems so many profiles consist of about two lines that say absolutely nothing about the person. They're either very generic/cookiecutter profiles, or extemely negative (newsflash for you guys, I don't think anyone wants headgames/drama, and the ones who are that type certainly aren't going to say that they are, so makes no sense to be so negative and will likely send the positive people onto the next profile), or they'll say something like "I don't know what to write here, ask me anything you want to know". It's really not that difficult to come up with a couple of paragraphs. I like to see a person's writing style, a glimpse of their personality, intelligence, creativity etc.
Many people seem to have the mentality that online dating is like ordering from a catalogue, they see a picture of a person they deem attractive, think "I'll take him/her!" and expect immediate positive results with no effort on their part. Like it or not, it does take a little effort, it's the nature of this two dimensional medium, where we are judged by our pictures and our text in the profile. What works when out in the *real* world, doesn't necessarily work online.
Having said all of that, I am one who does reply to the majority of my messages whether interested or not, unless it's a rude, crude or obnoxious message. | |
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| Dating Advice for Men from a Woman!
Posted: 5/26/2009 5:10:18 PM | Many people seem to have the mentality that online dating is like ordering from a catalogue, they see a picture of a person they deem attractive, think "I'll take him/her!" and expect immediate positive results with no effort on their part. Like it or not, it does take a little effort,
I like two of the gals with the strong arms. Make great rock climbers, both of them! | |
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| Dating Advice for Men from a Woman!
Posted: 5/27/2009 1:13:22 PM |
Infact, men with money is a turn off for me. Most of them are arrogant SOB's who don't know how to treat others with respect and kindness because they are so assuming that money will buy them anything. Well, their money won't buy me! And if a man is too good looking? Chances are high that he knows it and acts it. Chances are also high that he will only date other equally beautiful people or has a wandering eye.
Everything in bold that I quoted from your post is a stereotype and makes you equally guilty of the accusation you accused men of at the start of your post. It was the VERY first thing I noticed and the fact that you either didn't notice once it was pointed out to you, or attempted to gloss it over by shifting the focus to the average woman part that followed the above quoted portion really undermines all the valid points that followed.
Second, money is awfully important in any relationship. It may not be the first thing on the majority of women's lists, but I don't see any women lining up to date poor men. There's a reason. Love doesn't buy your clothes. To underscore the importance of money (re: Financial Stability) in a relationship is either dishonest, niave, willfully ignorant, or all of the above. In any case, it's important, and reflects the world we live in.
Everything else was painfully common sensical, which leads me to believe that if anyone read this and said "Oh, wow, that's what I've been doing wrong", then they probably shouldn't be dating in the first place.
Is there seriously so many men on this site who feel compelled to follow up an introductory e-mail with a hate filed message because their first correspondence wasn't well received? Honestly, who are these f*cktards? If you're a guy and you've sent a woman a nasty e-mail after she deleted your message without responding, then she's done the world a service by doing her part to ensure you can't tain the gene pool with your putrid substance. | |
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| Dating Advice for Men from a Woman!
Posted: 5/27/2009 4:31:13 PM | What I have been doing is reading profiles. If they have something in their profile that is interesting I'll message them. Most so far have read my messages. One or two have responded.
I have only had one woman thus far delete my message without reading.
Do you think the small conversation of common/shared interests is the way to go? | |
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| Dating Advice for Men from a Woman!
Posted: 5/27/2009 5:15:22 PM | I'd feel better if I knew women were intimidated by my good looks.
So far I've had one woman message me (she was nice and had a good profile, but I didn't feel we'd be a good match), and messaged about 4 women (3 read, 1 unread, 0 responses). I am quite picky who I message, but what would really help is if there was a last on message somewhere. I just hate seeing someone on POF who may be of interest to me but she hadn't been on for 2 months and won't be on for another 60 months.
I'll put forth an effort in customizing each message I send to a woman, but how can one not be discouraged if she doesn't take the 2 seconds to reply to such a message either "not interested" (which wouldn't hurt my feelings as there is one more woman crossed off my list) when she reads it, or a positive response in a timely manner (say 2-3 days).
To play a little (more?) devils advocate, I could also go so far as saying women want men to put time and thought into a first contact, but don't want to return the courtesy with some sort of response? That is akin to giving up my bus seat to a woman and not even getting a "thanks" or a "go to hell" for my effort. It is quite rude. | |
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| Dating Advice for Men from a Woman!
Posted: 5/28/2009 4:05:08 PM | | It can be scary out there. People have a built in mindset of what they want. But we cannot put everything in our profiles and the picture are not always of good quality. The point is you have to work at it and at least try. A cup of coffee can last for 15 minutes you may leave knowing you will not talk to that person. OR you may be surprized and at least try one date. We are not all bad and just need the time to show it. Try not to judge,try to be open and look for life. | |
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| Dating Advice for Men from a Woman!
Posted: 5/28/2009 10:20:23 PM | Brian1342:
I try to respond to all messages. But if you just ask me for my number or your message was 'your hot heres my number', I delete that. If you ask me a question as simple as how are you and something about yourself, I respond. Most people, i have learned, lack common courtesy. I figure that they are missing out on knowing a great person if they don't respond. 
I looked over your profile and think it looks fine. Some people don't respond if they don't know enough about you to believe that there is a possible connection. Think about your message maybe? Maybe become not quite so picky and make more of a effort to message different people. At least think of the friends you could make.  | |
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| Dating Advice for Men from a Woman!
Posted: 5/29/2009 7:19:07 AM | First off the fact that the OP states fairness, then states a blatant stereotype in the post is contradictory. If you are going to help people out, do just that without a condescending tone. Don't talk out of both sides of your mouth. But this is not groundbreaking news, anyone that uses common sense can draw the same conclusion. After all thats been said on the topic I'm left wondering the true intent of the OP- was it to "help guys" or just so the author could get attention.
At any pace, it lets me know the author believes in the "do as I say not as I do" methodology of life and personal standards. And to squash any fall out I am not attacking the OP, just stating the obvious. She stated her opinion as I have done as well. | |
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| Dating Advice for Men from a Woman!
Posted: 5/29/2009 12:08:35 PM | I have to agrre with several others here that what you wrote comes off very hypocritical. That being said who are you to speak for other women anyway. While your post may have been intended to help I think it does the exact opposite.
Quite frankly I feel that this post comes from someone bitter and intimidated by men with looks and money and confidence. That is my opinion and you posed the questions, just my 3 cents. | |
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| Dating Advice for Men from a Woman!
Posted: 5/29/2009 1:08:26 PM | All I do is ask if they have any nekid photos. Not really. I usually ask them for more details about their profile, etc. I usually don't ask questions I wouldn't want to answer myself. Thanks for the possitive comments, carebear.
Part of the reason I am picky is that I am in no huge rush to meet anyone. I am moving into a house soon I hope, and it would probably be a few weeks before I could figure out a time/place to meet up. Of coures, that is just an excuse as I've always been quite picky (most of the time) on choosing interests.
I hate to say this (due to a few confusing experiences) I am unsure about female friends. I never can really tell if they are just wanting to be friends or is it a clever ploy. Bad confusing experience - my best army friend's wife introduces me to a teacher friend (who was also a recent single mom) and suggest that we hang out as friends. She was a nice person but not really someone I was attracted so I didn't have any issue with it.
We hung out a few nights a week until one night, as I was leaving, I gave her our traditional have a good night hug and take cares, and she slipped her hands below my shelf. It freeked me out so much I never called or went to see her again. I was honest to my friend's wife as to why - no need to lie. I felt so violated. And she said we were just friends which is where I was fine with until the violation.
Other female friends I could never tell. I just have female co-workers now so they are easy to just be friends, but it would take a while before I could cosy up to the idea of a female friend again. Oddly enough, and I know this is a way good concept, I know that the best dates, girlfriends, and wives are also your best friend. I guess it was the intent of the relationship that throws me. | |
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