| Is Politeness Feasible on this Site?
Posted: 5/26/2009 8:34:01 PM | I know I'm not perfect, and don't respond to every e-mail I have received on here. In my mind (though some may disagree), it is kinder to not reply than read/delete. I have been on the receiving end of many a read/deleted. And though not pleasant it is what it is on this site. I expect it and I'm on the read/deleted receiving end many a time. And when it happens, I will send one e-mail to wish them good luck/goodbye and that's it.
However, I received a message today that was by far one of the rudest respones I have ever received on this site. I hope by recounting this story, we will all be more polite with each other on this site. I had e-mailed a guy on here, saying that he was too cute to be a smoker. Perhaps I was out of line in saying those words, but it is always disappointing to me when an attractive person sabotages their health by smoking. And I hope that my message to him would give him some pause for thought.
His response to me: "sorry but you're not hot enough for me to care"
I have received other replys on the other side of the spectrum, with sexual or vulgar come-ons which I find equally disconcerting.
My question is I am wrong to expect more gentlemanly behavior from the guys? I would not communicate with anyone online or in person in this fashion. I know there are women too who may be just as inappropriate in their e-mails. So this is not a gender bashing thing. I'd like to think politness attracts politeness. When did it become 'ok' to abandon politeness since we are behind a computer screen? | |
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| Is Politeness Feasible on this Site?
Posted: 5/26/2009 8:39:57 PM |
I had e-mailed a guy on here, saying that he was too cute to be a smoker. Perhaps I was out of line in saying those words, but it is always disappointing to me when an attractive person sabotages their health by smoking.
YOU seem like the rude one. And a bit self-righteous too.
His response to me: "sorry but you're not hot enough for me to care"
He's funny and right. A woman would at least have to be a 6 in order for man to even consider to stop smoking. | |
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| Is Politeness Feasible on this Site?
Posted: 5/26/2009 8:41:59 PM | | Well if that's the case it's not the first time I've put my foot in my mouth. At least a 6? I'm not photogenic so I'm clearly going to be in the doghouse with all the smokers I try to convert then -:) | |
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| Is Politeness Feasible on this Site?
Posted: 5/26/2009 8:42:58 PM |
am wrong to expect more gentlemanly behavior from the guys? If you ignore people with whom you don't wish to communicate rather than treating them with respect, you might find what goes around comes around for the most part.
Negatively commenting on (or chastising) someone's lifestyle choices is usually a good way to get a negative reply in return. Would you walk up to a smoker and make the same comments in real life? Or do you believe you would not communicate with anyone in person in this fashion? When did it become 'ok' to abandon politeness since we are behind a computer screen?
Your words are rather hypocritical.
You send negative emails to men and hope they'll thank you for it,
you say politeness attracts politeness
yet you have no problem ignoring people who take the time to write you
and call that "kindness"
Hmmmmm | |
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| Is Politeness Feasible on this Site?
Posted: 5/26/2009 9:01:29 PM | | You sent a witty message playing at the fact he smoked. He was rude and insulted you in return. Theres people like that everywhere, no big deal it just means he was a waste of time anyway. | |
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| Is Politeness Feasible on this Site?
Posted: 5/26/2009 9:02:55 PM | First off with online dating you are going to have to deal with the least common denominator amongst people from time to time. It's kinda like having a job in the service industry. That's pretty much where the perverse, disgusting messages come from.
That being said there is something to keep in mind with the message you mentioned. Because in email there are no physical/audible ques when a person is being silly or sarcastic or poking friendly fun if you don't phrase a statement like "too cute to be a smoker" correctly it may come off as a slight dig against the person, and it may touch on some nerve. His response was one of annoyance, and while a bit over the top in rudeness from his perspective was justified as he probably thought your message to him was rude (given your statement that you wanted to give him pause for thought I would agree it was, you aren't his mommy and no one wants a stranger to critique their lifestyle choices). When sending a message be careful that any jokes you make won't be ones that might piss the person off.
As far as read vs read/delete, I personally prefer read/delete as I then know where I stand with the person. If I see a read followed by them reviewing my profile it leaves me hanging for a day or two till I'm sure they aren't actually going to write back. However I'm sure others believe that you should respond to let them know you aren't interested (in other words people that are new to the online dating scene.) | |
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| Is Politeness Feasible on this Site?
Posted: 5/26/2009 9:03:10 PM | I realize that you perhaps didn't see your comment as offensive (and it's a debatable borderline comment IMO, i didn't think it was terrible by any means), but people have their own lifestyle choices, and criticizing them without their desire for input is generally going to lead to an offensive response. While I don't agree with smoking either, it's a bit out of line to start questioning someone you don't even know and expect a nice response back.
I agree that people seem to be much more disrespectful online, but throwing them a line like that will only encourage such behavior, and rightly so in their case, so just be more careful in the future! | |
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| Is Politeness Feasible on this Site?
Posted: 5/26/2009 9:05:28 PM | You do bring up some valid points. And perhaps you're right I should respond to every e-mail. But from my point of view, when someone responds to say they are not interested, it feels worse. I actually have made my profile on here not searchable to avoid the situation of me having to be the 'rejector'. I hate being the one to do it to the guys, having been on the receiving end of it. I guess I'm better able to put myself out there and make first contact and accept a lot of rejection, than be on the other side - because I don't like to make people feel badly and not respond w/interest.
I'm an outspoken/say what is on my mind kind of person, so perhaps some may take the non-smoking comment the wrong way. And yes if I did see someone light up in person who was a good looking guy I would have the courage to say hey I hope you quit - for the sake of their health. I don't think this is demeaning. It's no different than saying it to a loved one you care about for concern for their well-being. Self righteous? Maybe. Honest - yes.
But I would never never comment on someone's looks in a demenaning manner or make sexually explicit comments to someone via e-mail or in person. I guess I hope for better than that out of people. | |
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| Is Politeness Feasible on this Site?
Posted: 5/26/2009 9:08:38 PM | What were you really saying in that email
" I had e-mailed a guy on here, saying that he was too cute to be a smoker."
Translation: I like you, you smoke. you should change that for me because I do not like it.
The world revovles around you.
You are probably the same girl that mentions she wants something or to do something in front of some guy hinting that they do that for you.
You probably get what you want from most saps.
==========================================================
Again it is about what YOU want.
"I would like to see improvement in how we all communicate with each other on this site. No name calling, cursing, vulgarity, etc"
You have spoken, and it shall be.
You are correct, I shouldn't name call. I apologize
The rest I stand by.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV | |
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| Is Politeness Feasible on this Site?
Posted: 5/26/2009 9:16:01 PM | "Spoiled brat. You probably get what you want from most saps. "
Again I ask is polite communication possible? We're all not going to agree with each other. But can we disagree with others opinions without name calling and nasty tones. This is first time I've posted on this forum and I would like to see improvement in how we all communicate with each other on this site. No name calling, cursing, vulgarity, etc. If anything, this has taught me that we all need to be careful before putting finger to keyboard. | |
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| Is Politeness Feasible on this Site?
Posted: 5/26/2009 9:21:24 PM |
When it happens, just block the guy;
and laugh to yourself, knowing that long after you've happilly found someone, that mental midget will still be sending rude messages on dating sites, while not being able to figure out why women don't want him.
Hah, the mental brought bags for a extended stay with those types. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Works both ways, but the beneficial side is mostly abandoned first. | |
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| Is Politeness Feasible on this Site?
Posted: 5/26/2009 9:32:27 PM | "I would like to see improvement in how WE all communicate with each other on this site. No name calling, cursing, vulgarity, etc"
Not about me - polite talk whether we agree or disagree will help everyone on here. I don't think anyone feels good or 'wins' after a sending a mean-spirited e-mail or posting something hurtful. I think we all can agree on that -:) | |
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| Is Politeness Feasible on this Site?
Posted: 5/26/2009 10:07:10 PM | I'm an outspoken/say what is on my mind kind of person, so perhaps some may take the non-smoking comment the wrong way. And yes if I did see someone light up in person who was a good looking guy I would have the courage to say hey I hope you quit - for the sake of their health. I don't think this is demeaning. It's no different than saying it to a loved one you care about for concern for their well-being. Self righteous? Maybe. Honest - yes.
Do I see a fat person shoving a Big Mac down their throat and say, "I really wish you'd have a salad; I'd hate to see you drop dead of a massive heart attack!". No! It's bad manners, and I doubt they'd like my honesty.
If you have no desire to date smokers, don't contact them. Would you like some guy to write you and say, "You're to cute to have a fat @ss. Lay off the chicken-pot-pies and have a nice rice cake!"? I doubt you would find that amusing even if they were being playful.
Everybody has deal-breakers. Write to people that match what you want. It's a lot less tiring that way.
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| Is Politeness Feasible on this Site?
Posted: 5/26/2009 10:15:42 PM |
it is always disappointing to me when an attractive person sabotages their health by smoking...
I was going to have a little fun with you, by taking your statement completely out of context, and pointing out that according to what you said, it seems its only important when people you deem attractive smoke. What about the ugly people that smoke!?  But then you did it again in a later post...
And yes if I did see someone light up in person who was a good looking guy I would have the courage to say hey I hope you quit - for the sake of their health. I don't think this is demeaning. It's no different than saying it to a loved one you care about for concern for their well-being. Self righteous? Maybe. Honest - yes.
Its NOT the same as telling a loved one, a person you already know well, they shouldn't smoke. Its arrogant and presumptuous in the extreme to say something like that to a complete stranger, especially by way of introduction to someone you're hoping to attract romantically. But your own words give away your real motivation. As someone else pointed out here already, you wrote this to a person in the hopes of changing his behavior to suit you only because you found him desirable, which again, is a poor way to introduce yourself.
Look, I'm all in favor of more politeness in our online dealings with one another. You were the one who was impolite initially, by what you wrote in your email to this guy. Granted, he was equally impolite in return and you didn't deserve what you got back from him. My advice to you (and only because you asked for it here) is to let yourself be open to more possibilities, by allowing guys to write to you as well. Then you can do whatever best suits you with read/delete, or just saying no thanks (I personally follow the golden rule, if they send me a polite message, and it sounds like you try to do likewise). Sure, you'll have some inappropriate jerks write to you, but weed 'em out and you just might find yourself a good guy. Just make it known in your profile that you won't date a smoker. Once you get to know a decent guy well enough you can find other things about him you don't like, and can start trying to change him to suit you then.  | |
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| Is Politeness Feasible on this Site?
Posted: 5/26/2009 10:37:29 PM | If you are to expect gentlemanly like behavior from men, then it is only fair to bahave like a lady in your messages.
I would hardly call sending a message to a person that says "your too cute to be a smoker" polite.
His response, although juvenile, and immature, was to be expected after an initial message like the one that you sent.
You get what you give | |
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| Is Politeness Feasible on this Site?
Posted: 5/26/2009 10:59:54 PM | I know it has been happening to me as well,!! They write you and then when you dont answer they are rude to you , which is crazy , what I was good enough to talk to in the first place and if I dont answer then you need to say something rude to me , this has happend to me time and time again!! I am so over it and I can see why some of these men need the internet to date cause they are so RUDE!! | |
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| Is Politeness Feasible on this Site?
Posted: 5/26/2009 11:07:04 PM |
I had e-mailed a guy on here, saying that he was too cute to be a smoker.
I'd probably interpret that as: 'I think you're hot..... too bad you don't live up to my personal expectations...'
it is always disappointing to me when an attractive person sabotages their health by smoking .
As sexy smokers, that's our prerogative. Life is full of little disappointments. Deal with it.
I hope by recounting this story, we will all be more polite with each other on this site.
An idealistic fantasy. Don't hold your breath waiting for positive results.  | |
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| Is Politeness Feasible on this Site?
Posted: 5/26/2009 11:29:31 PM | I think you insulted him a little bit. Some people smoke because they enjoy it. I happen to HATE cigar smoke yech, blech, it's damn awful.
I recently took up smoking cigars because the 50% tobacco taxes go towards giving free health insurance to poor kids. Instead of capping on people who smoke, you ought to consider, they may be altruistic folks like me who are willing to sacrifice ourselves for the children.
Why aren't you smoking? I'll bet you haven't done squat to save those kidlets. | |
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| Is Politeness Feasible on this Site?
Posted: 5/27/2009 1:45:22 AM | You seem to be asking for standards for an online dating site that are higher than most people even have in their day to day dealings face to face. Try working returns during the holiday season in retail and ask a rude customer, "Is politeness feasible in this transaction?" and see if you don't end up fired.
Online communication magnifies the positive and negative aspect of someone's true personality. Your example of messaging a guy about smoking was passive aggressive. So I'm guessing that's one of your bad traits.
Many people don't think there's actually a human being on the other side of a profile. Sites such as this reduce your entire being to a catalog listing. So given that fact do you actually think you're going to get politeness and respect when people are viewing one another as products instead of human beings? | |
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