| Socializing with people of opposite sex when in a relationship
Posted: 5/27/2009 10:51:07 PM | | I am in disagreement with someone who states that if one person is dating another and in a relationship that these people should not have any other friends of the opposite sex. I would like feedback from both male and female on this. What about networks of friends of the opposite sex? Neighbor going to breakfast with you? Singing karaoke together? What is considered acceptable and what is not? I say it is wrong to let someone of the opposite sex stay over your house, but the person I am in disagreement with states that this person is just a friend, but refused to invite me. I would like an unbiased opinion. | |
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| Socializing with people of opposite sex when in a relationship
Posted: 5/27/2009 10:59:15 PM |
but the person I am in disagreement with states that this person is just a friend, but refused to invite me.
And you are only in a disagreement with this person?
I have plenty of female friends, and have no problem letting the person I am dating meet them. No they would no be staying the night at my house, and I would never date someone who would do so, much less not let me come in while the have that type of company!
The relationship would be like Weapons of mass destruction:Non existent! | |
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| Socializing with people of opposite sex when in a relationship
Posted: 5/27/2009 11:05:00 PM | | You have to have friends/associates of the opposite sex. I really don't think you can function in the world without having that (so on your next job interview if your interviewer is of the opposite sex then you can't go through with the interview?) However, if you are in a relationship and hiding someone from your SO I would call that person a mistress (not sure of the name for the male counterpart). So, no it’s really not okay. What reason was given for you not being able to meet this person? | |
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| Socializing with people of opposite sex when in a relationship
Posted: 5/27/2009 11:15:37 PM | | He actually called the cops on me who in turn called me to tell me not to call him, email him or try to contact him in any way or I would be arrested. One of his police buddies. I am ashamed to admit that I have forgiven him and still see him since he goes to the same places I go to and has a way of charming others and checking up on me. | |
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| Socializing with people of opposite sex when in a relationship
Posted: 5/27/2009 11:20:39 PM | I agree that if 2 people are in a relationship they should not have friends of the opposite sex (chatting with and hanging out alone with members of the opposite sex). Such behaviour is not necessary. My parents raised me with the perspective that such behaviour is cheating and that is my belief and that's how my parents have conducted themselves in their marriage, which has lasted 33 years. It is also how I conduct myself when in a relationship expecting the same respect in return. I want someone whose going to make me a priority and if he has female friends he's not doing that. I would never ask anyone to give up his female friends, I just would pass on such a person.
Business associates of the opposite sex are just that business associates and fine. That kind of interaction is realistic. I have guys I work with but only deal with them in office and on a professional level. There is nothing wrong with a couple having other couples as friends either (in such situations I would not be associatng with the male half of the couple alone). If a guy had a job interview with a female that is also realistic and acceptable.
OP, I agree it is wrong to let a person of the opposite sex stay over. The situation sounds fishy and that the person is hiding something. I'd make sure I was there. | |
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| Socializing with people of opposite sex when in a relationship
Posted: 5/27/2009 11:25:02 PM | He actually called the cops on me who in turn called me to tell me not to call him, email him or try to contact him in any way or I would be arrested. One of his police buddies. I am ashamed to admit that I have forgiven him and still see him since he goes to the same places I go to and has a way of charming others and checking up on me.
Wow, and I don't think your kidding at all! You catch him cheating on you and he calls the police on you, and then you get back with him! No shet!
Well good luck with that!
Your not a victim in all of this, your a willing participant! | |
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| Socializing with people of opposite sex when in a relationship
Posted: 5/28/2009 1:39:37 AM | it would seem that what works in ANY relationship depends on the actual people involved IN the relationship.
when i was younger, i thought it was ridiculous when boyfriends felt the need to maintain past relationships. now that i'm older, i value and understand the importance of true friends.
i maintain relationships with some ex-boyfriends for the same reasons i was attracted in the first place. just because an intimate relationship doesn't work out doesn't mean a person who was once significant should be easily discarded or suddenly has no worth.
my boyfriend maintains relationships with some of his ex girlfriends for what i assume would be the same reasons. i can imagine this works because there is trust and respect involved in the relationship.
if this is an issue in your relationship, then obviously you aren't on the same page and maybe your status should be reconsidered.
lastly, if police are involved, i'm guessing that there must be other issues that require immediate attention and perhaps this relationship just might not be the one!
run, forrest, run!
good luck! | |
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| Socializing with people of opposite sex when in a relationship
Posted: 5/28/2009 2:40:29 AM |
I am in disagreement with someone who states that if one person is dating another and in a relationship that these people should not have any other friends of the opposite sex.
^ Depends on your/his definition of "friend" and the boundaries thereof. A non issue.. this is more about *control* and a lack of *trust*. | |
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Jim978
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Joined: 7/15/2008
Msg: 11 | |
| Socializing with people of opposite sex when in a relationship
Posted: 5/28/2009 3:06:50 AM |
I am in disagreement with someone who states that if one person is dating another and in a relationship that these people should not have any other friends of the opposite sex. I would like feedback from both male and female on this. What about networks of friends of the opposite sex? Neighbor going to breakfast with you? Singing karaoke together? What is considered acceptable and what is not? I say it is wrong to let someone of the opposite sex stay over your house, but the person I am in disagreement with states that this person is just a friend, but refused to invite me. I would like an unbiased opinion.
Most of the people I consider to be friends are people (male and female) that I've known for 15 years or more. In the case of the handful of close female friends, I've become friends with all of their S/Os or spouses as well. In two cases, I'm the one that talked them into marrying the guys and both of the guys know it. If anything was going to happen between these women and myself it would have happened years ago. I've slept at their places - on the sofa or in a spare bedroom. Never been an issue. | |
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| Socializing with people of opposite sex when in a relationship
Posted: 5/28/2009 3:09:01 AM | OK, I don't see anything wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, I have female friends - we've been friends for 10+ years, we've never had sex, there has never been anything between us. BUT, any SO would be more than welcome to meet them, and only once has one of them slept over here (her hubby of 5 years dropped "divorce" on her, and she wanted to go out - she's 2-1/2 hrs away from me so she came down and I took her out that friday got her good & sh*tfaced at the bar (I treated to dinner too), and she spent the night on my sofa - I was single, but if I had a GF I would have invited (and wanted) her along for additional "moral support" for my friend, but... we did coffee the next morning and drove around a bit, and she thanked me for being a good friend, "I needed to get it all out").
Breakfast, lunch, dinner - yup, done them all with female friends at times.
Now, having a female friend "stay over" while in a relationship? Probably not, unless the SO had met them, and trusted them. I won't say trusted *me*, because if she doesn't trust me there is something wrong with our relationship. And by the same token, if I didn't trust her, there's something wrong (and I've been cheated on, but I have to add I trusted her implicitly until the day I found out, maybe my trust was 'misplaced' in that case, but I wouldn't have been in the relationship if I didn't).
If you don't feel you can trust your SO, implicitly, you really should *NOT* be in a relationship with that person - even if they *are* totally trustworthy, you'll poison the relationship with your own mistrust. | |
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| Socializing with people of opposite sex when in a relationship
Posted: 5/28/2009 3:10:49 AM | As Bella says, control and lack of trust issues "CAN" be an issue IF-
One of the two parties has a more than friendly interest in the other, "Friend with intent" if you like.
IF this is the case, then if the innocent party of the original relationship even has an inkling of this, then trust will become paramount, and if "trust" is breached, then things will likely get out of control.
Lets face it, there are two types of "non relationship" friendships, one where there is absolutely no interest going either way other than friendship, and then there's everything else.
There is an awful lot of "lack of trust" out there, its like a cancer. | |
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| Socializing with people of opposite sex when in a relationship
Posted: 5/28/2009 3:41:25 AM | holy hell i just couldn't get past the part about the guy calling his cop friend to put out the B.S. word to you that "you would be arrested" if you contacted "your friend" again. hellloooooo! am i in the twilight zone?? the whole thing is toxic and bizarre.
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| Socializing with people of opposite sex when in a relationship
Posted: 5/28/2009 3:45:37 AM | You should figure out what a potential partner thinks is appropriate and inappropriate BEFORE getting into a serious relationship with them. There's no right or wrong, IMO, if it's genuinely cool with the other person.
But in my experience, people don't change on this issue. Even if they grudgingly or even willingly agree to change the way they interact with the opposite sex to please their partner, eventually it will become an issue again. | |
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| Socializing with people of opposite sex when in a relationship
Posted: 5/28/2009 5:55:52 AM | OP - I think there's much more to this story than you're telling us.
He actually called the cops on me who in turn called me to tell me not to call him, email him or try to contact him in any way or I would be arrested. One of his police buddies. I am ashamed to admit that I have forgiven him and still see him since he goes to the same places I go to and has a way of charming others and checking up on me.
If the guy was your real, and not imaginary, BF he wouldn't need to call the cops on you, would he? | |
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| Socializing with people of opposite sex when in a relationship
Posted: 5/28/2009 8:47:30 AM | Congratulations on forgiving a manipulative, narrow-minded, controlling, stalker-type. I think you may be facing much larger issues with this person than whether it's acceptable to have friends when you're in a relationship.
And, yes, I think you can and should maintain your friendships and activities with friends of either sex when in a relationship. Of course, some boundaries are needed that define what "friend" means - e.g., a friend without "benefits"! | |
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| Socializing with people of opposite sex when in a relationship
Posted: 5/28/2009 8:47:43 AM | I can't see a time when the SO would not be invited so I don't understand why you would even ask this question and the puzzy had to involve one of his friends to handle you?
You are either a psycho or he is a twit and you are really doing yourself more than a disservice in continuing to associate with him.
Most of the people I consider to be friends are people (male and female) that I've known for 15 years or more. In the case of the handful of close female friends, I've become friends with all of their S/Os or spouses as well. In two cases, I'm the one that talked them into marrying the guys and both of the guys know it. If anything was going to happen between these women and myself it would have happened years ago. I've slept at their places - on the sofa or in a spare bedroom. Never been an issue.
And the difference is your familiarity with the SO. I have a friend who has been working in KY for over a year, he still has his house but if he sells it, I would hope that he would come and visit and if the man I was dating had a problem with it after meeting him, he could offer to put him up at his place. | |
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| Socializing with people of opposite sex when in a relationship
Posted: 5/28/2009 9:12:23 AM | Women can read other women pretty good and men can read other men pretty good.. it doesn't take too long in a room to figure out who is zooming who... If you get not only the cold shoulder routine but a star performance on cops for a cameo performance .. my guess is that your so called new friend was trying his damnest to get you out of his life .. pretty quick.. now here is the rub though..
He don't want you .. but he really really really likes your vagina.. maybe more .. but I guarantee he is not the least bit interested in you .. or why would he call the cops.. gees I know maybe he was trying to get you and your vagina hooked up with the serve and protect boyzzzz come on .. you are making retarded rocket science into a chapter in one of Stephen Hawkings latest theories..
geesus I wish I lived next door.. television .. or any other vision ain't what it used to be. | |
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| Socializing with people of opposite sex when in a relationship
Posted: 5/28/2009 10:05:09 AM | I have never, in my LIFE, cheated on an S/O. If he can't trust me with my male friends, then that's too damn bad...I don't care what his EX did to him...I'M NOT HER!
I won't give up my true friends, male or female, for someone who doesn't trust me. | |
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| Socializing with people of opposite sex when in a relationship
Posted: 5/28/2009 10:16:12 AM | I had a guy friend for a long time. We never slept together.
He would get a new girlfriend and explain that I was just his friend. They always got the creeps from me, and I know why.
I carried a strange proprietary attitude toward him. Part of it was, "I've seen the likes of you before. You'll come, you'll go, but I'll still be here, helping him pick up the pieces." Of course that makes me the lifemate huh?
Another message I used to give subliminally was, "I can be intimate with him without all those complications of sex and money. What's your problem? Shallow?"
It took years for me to understand this. It makes me very cautious about relationships with members of the opposite sex. It's real easy to call other people shallow when my needs for sex are met by my own partner... | |
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| Socializing with people of opposite sex when in a relationship
Posted: 5/28/2009 11:10:22 AM | I personally believe it's fine to hang out with members of the opposite sex. My girlfriend on the other hand, feels different, unless of course it's her that is hanging out with members of the opposite sex. It's not the fact that she hangs out with these people that makes me mad, it's that I get an earful every time I do the very same things she's doing.
So it sounds like you are the one that is being held back. What are the restrictions you place on your SO? Does he have reason to be concerned (i.e past infidelities, or is it with an ex boyfriend)? Are your friendships with these people more important than your relationship with your SO?
These all have to be considered. | |
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| Socializing with people of opposite sex when in a relationship
Posted: 5/28/2009 11:14:25 AM | | Well I was going to say there's nothing wrong with it but reading all your post it sounds like something is a bit funky. But you can't change him or his friends, when you are dating someone who treats you/behaves in ways you don't like, stop dating them. It's as simple as that, do not date people you do not like...pretending to like people you don't like is pretty | |
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