| | Why did you get divorced?Page 1 of 11 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11) | I realize this is an extremely personal question, so don't respond if you feel it's too private.
The reason I am asking is because the divorce rate is so high, I am wondering what it is that makes men and women so incompatible? Is there a way to bring up the next generation of children so that they can have longer lasting and stronger relationships than we did? | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/29/2009 7:44:51 PM | | I am getting divorced because my husband of 9 weeks thought it would be OK for him to go online and look for intimate encounters, something he quicky found out I didn't agree with! | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/29/2009 8:46:15 PM | I am getting divorced because my husband of 9 weeks thought it would be OK for him to go online and look for intimate encounters, something he quicky found out I didn't agree with!
Ouch!!! Good for you hun... | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/29/2009 8:59:08 PM | I have been teaching my children for years that they need to choose wisely, that it takes a hell of a lot more than love to make a marriage work. With mine, because my ex was a bipolar verbally and emotionally abusive husband and father, the question isn't why I left but why I stayed with him for 14 years; part of that was meaning the vows I took and doing everything I could to make things work; you can't be married by yourself.
My children have learned from watching our debacle and my talking to them that you establish how people will treat you fairly early in a relationship. If you put up with b.s. because someone had a bad childhood, a bad relationship before you, etc. that is the pattern you will set when the problems are inside the person, not due to circumstances.
I have also taught them that they should not even date someone they don't see themselves attached to for life in the event that there is a child. At their age, look for goals and good relationships with parents, good relationships between the boy/girl's parents. When they are older and considering living with or marrying someone they should discuss finances, how many childen they might wish to have, how they might raise them, religion and other values that might be important later but they aren't thinking about right then, how the person handles conflicts.
Maybe most importantly, you need to like in addition to loving the person. If the person is someone you would not be friends with because of the type of person they are without the attraction, you shouldn't be with them because that love is never going to withstand the beating that the other person is going to give it. Everything in life is balance. You cannot be rigid and without gray areas but you also need to avoid being a doormat. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/29/2009 9:09:16 PM |
Is there a way to bring up the next generation of children so that they can have longer lasting and stronger relationships than we did?
People don't work as hard on thier relationships and marriages that they should. If it comes down to abuse or infidelity, then I understand the divorce, but too many times I see and hear about reasons that are so petty in nature and shoud be easy to work through. Kids that we are raising must be taught that relationships take alot of hard work and that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. They need to see a marriage for more than just the white dress and the big party, they need to stick with it and deal with the crap instead of running... that when the going gets tough, it's time to roll up your shirt sleeves and get dirty. Don't get married just because you've been with the person for a couple of years or because you want the ring, get married because you know that person inside and out, that you love that person and you REALLY want to be with that person forever.
Throughout a marriage, couples will have moments where they have lots of money and times that they don't. They will experience great joys and happiness as well as anger and sadness. They will be thin and perky, and they will gain weight and get wrinkles. But the most important thing couples need to realize is this... none of those things change when you get divorced. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/29/2009 9:09:45 PM |
I have been teaching my children for years that they need to choose wisely, that it takes a hell of a lot more than love to make a marriage work. With mine, because my ex was a bipolar verbally and emotionally abusive husband and father, the question isn't why I left but why I stayed with him for 14 years; part of that was meaning the vows I took and doing everything I could to make things work; you can't be married by yourself.
Well.... My marriage was just great until about 3-4 years ago when she was diagnosed as being BiPolar after she had a bout with depression. Then everything unraveled from there. I have 2 wonderful kids the divorce is a month away, I'm talking to her but limited as she thinks she's gonna be able to convince me to get back together before the divorce is final lol.
There are other reasons as well but the main one is she's just a very bad mixed up person.
But I'm happier without her than with her she's a living nightmare lol.
:D | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/29/2009 9:32:58 PM | OP, this may sound a bit crazy but my daughter and I have had several conversations about breaking cycles of dysfunction, marriages, divorce and one of the things we have noticed that I think is hopeful is how things have progressed with each successive generation which I don't think is necessarily bad.
The statistics on divorce aren't good, that is a given but I think my parent's generation stayed in bad marriages with the help of alcohol and that good old valium prescription. The kids living in middle class homes were taught that the dirt stays inside the family and consequently they are all kinds of screwed up emotionally because of the requirement that they keep the family secrets. I don't see most of these people as any more balanced than children whose parents were divorced because fighting, etc. is just as divisive as parents living separately can be.
The people from those marriages said fuk this, and got divorced, and made a huge mess of things because they didn't have a clue how to put the kids first and find a way to be amicable and co-parent. Most people reared during that era didn't have conversations with their parents about drugs and alcohol, sex, choosing good mates, we were let out to roam the world clueless. People divorced and one parent either walked and didn't look back or used the kids as pawns trying to hurt the ex.
What I see with my generation is that while we are still doing poorly in the picking a good mate area, I think we are doing better with divorce. Yes, there are still way too many grown-ups that think everything is about them but I am seeing a heartening number of people that are divorced, remarried, and it is like all the kids, are being raised by a team of 6 or more adults. I'm sure that people have their good and bad days but these people seem to honestly have come to like each other as well as the new spouses.
My daughter and I have talked about the hope that people her age will pick better, will have seen what their parents went through and actually thought about why the problems were there, things that they should look for in terms of the good, and what to avoid in the bad. I don't for a minute think any of my children will take marriage vows less seriously than I did, they will think more about the marriage than the wedding but they also know that it is possible to split and do things the right way which is pretty extraordinary considering the difficulty they and I have in dealing with their father. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/29/2009 10:38:30 PM | People marry too fast and not to mention, marry for the wrong reasons, one of them is the dream wedding age. some feel they need to marry at a certain age and want the dream wedding to happen. What lacked to make the marriages last these days is accountability and responsibility. People go wiht the flow, and don't work out the kinks, because they don't feel they need to cuz they can just move on to someone else. if they made divorce more harder to process, i'm sure it would be a good deterrent for couples to marry so fast. If the role model was seeing hollywood celebs marry and divorce then marry again in a quick span, they perhaps feel that's just convenient to get married then divorce too. I think also the internet has helped the long lasting marriages to end due to teh person feeling they have found a new love interest, and they are tired of being with someone for so long, that they want to take out the old and bring in the new.
What we can teach our kids,, accountablity for their actions and in trying to resolve issues before giving up, responsible in making sure that they have issues of their own resolved before thinking they can hide those issues by being with someone else, Giving their best in communication and be proactive in their relationship to not go towards complacency in themselves. To not settle for less in the reward that it will make them happy. And not giving them pressure to feel they are in a time limit to marry at a certain age. To help give them conscience when they are with someone long term and give them good advice in going over an y issues and seeing the significant other long term. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/29/2009 10:46:46 PM | Thank-you everyone for your very thoughtful responses.
Well.... My marriage was just great until about 3-4 years ago when she was diagnosed as being BiPolar after she had a bout with depression. Then everything unraveled from there. I have 2 wonderful kids the divorce is a month away, I'm talking to her but limited as she thinks she's gonna be able to convince me to get back together before the divorce is final lol.
There are other reasons as well but the main one is she's just a very bad mixed up person.
But I'm happier without her than with her she's a living nightmare lol.
Of course, I can't know what it's like to live in your shoes, but from what it sounds like, you are abandoning your spouse for something out of her control. Didn't the vows include "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health"? | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/29/2009 11:13:09 PM | I agree with you future shock. She's gonna have mood swings and everything else. Its part of the illness. Alot of people think its just a ploy to get disability. SOme are. A friend of mine is Bipolar. She's a BIG B**** when she's not on her meds.
My ex and I divorced because we realized we're better friends than hubby and wife. We were 20 and married within 4 months of meeting. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/29/2009 11:18:09 PM | Married high school sweet heart, had a beautiful little girl. when she was one I cought him with a co-worker.
Yes I was dumb enough to give a second chance, but not all the way stupid I had my self a plan. went to school to be ready for independence. Became a nurse and had child number two, sat back and waited and yes he cheated again. but with my career child support for two kids, I did not loose a thing. I kept home and all equity
I all ready had the best part of him one is nine the other three. she can have the left overs. That was my revenge to her let her keep his ass.
But then she wanted to stay with her husband so I said oh hell no who wanted him your going to keep him, so yes i told her husband he kicked her out, and she kept my revenge to her. That was my divorce. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/29/2009 11:29:09 PM | Its very hard to control bi-polar, know the first women who spoke of her x having this disease really tried to stick it out, and then chose it would be best for the kids as sometimes is to go ahead and get divorced.
but ixholla , you took vows through sickness and heath for better or worse??
Have you supported her, and gave the doctors time to regulate her medications?
sounds like when things got a little tough you bailed out on your wife
There needs to be a third party in all marriages for it to work, and that is god.
With out god in the marriage and your lives you forget the good things, you forget why you fell inlove in the first place. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/30/2009 5:15:32 AM | People often get divorced--true in my case--because they don't date long enough to really get to know the other person.
Just because you talk into the wee hours of the morning and share intimate details..this does not mean you really are communicating with each other. Have you seen this person in action? How do they treat other people? How many red flags did you ignore? What did you put up with because you did not want to be alone?
How long did you know them before the relationship became physical? You quickly trusted them with your body. Would you give control of your bank account to someone you only knew a short while? For some reason we don't use the same consideration in control of our life and body as we do our other possessions and yet that is the most important thing we own. I can look back at relationships early on in my life and I really did not know the person. People often change during marriage but not to the degree that we think they do. We too soon make a commitment to someone before we really know them. By the time we discover who they really are, we are too deep in the relationship to walk away...or to want to walk away. We make excuses and say 'he loves me' but 'I love her'. Most people will show their true colors within 3-6 months. You can only be on your good behavior for so long.
I have had several relationships go out the door because I would not jump into bed in their time frame. Big indicator..they did not want a relationship with me...they just wanted to sleep with me. If someone is really interested in you, they will give you and themself the time it takes to get to know each other. Think back to those relationships that quickly became physical...how long did it last? Perhaps the sex was amazing..but that is all it was ...sex. I would rather find some, get to know each other well and make love.............just my opinion as usual. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/30/2009 5:24:09 AM | | I totally agree with you. It sounds like my EX and yours are just alike. I stayed with him for 14 years too long also. And I want to instill in my children the same values as you. Too many people take marriage too lightly and I dont want my children to do that. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/30/2009 5:25:43 AM | | For me the ex hit 40 and decided she no longer wanted the responsibility of being a wife and mother. She wanted to be 18 again and me and the kids were not compatible with that. She does spend an hour a week with the kids, but beyond that feels no responsibility to them whatsoever. That hour or so she spends with them is conditional on her having nothing better to do. She refuses to give any money to support them as she needs her money to go clubbing. She did save up to buy our daughter a birthday present but then spent the money on a new outfit and hairdo to go clubbing. Our daughter did get her present a few weeks later but didn't get so much as a phone call on her 16th birthday. Why wouldn't I want a divorce? | |
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Nyda
| | Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 16 | |
| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/30/2009 10:34:10 AM | I caught my 42 year old husband with someone else in my bed the night after christmas when I got home from work. My three children were a room away and my son was having a severe asthma attack. Did I mention the other person was a 24 year old man and they were drunk? That was 20 years ago. I am over it now.  Thanks to a baseball bat. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/30/2009 10:52:03 AM |
I caught my 42 year old husband with someone else in my bed the night after christmas when I got home from work. My three children were a room away and my son was having a severe asthma attack. Did I mention the other person was a 24 year old man and they were drunk?
Wow... you can't make that sh1t up! If that's not a reason to get a divorce, I don't know what is! | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/30/2009 10:55:13 AM |
Of course, I can't know what it's like to live in your shoes, but from what it sounds like, you are abandoning your spouse for something out of her control. Didn't the vows include "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health"?
Sounds quite simple but people who are bipolar and refuse to seek treatment are horrible people. They aren't responsible for their behavior and yet again they are because they refuse to do anything about it, preferring to blame everyone and everything for their problems.
I could not write on this thread what my ex-husband has said to my children which is more important than all of the hateful things he has said and done to me over the years. It is truly like living with Cybil, you never know which person is going to walk in the door and quite often you don't have to say or do anything to earn a two hour diatribe about everything you have ever supposedly done, etc.
If there were no kids involved, you might have the luxury of continuing to put up with abuse the mentally ill person chooses to engage in because again, they won't seek treatment but that choice is gone when you have children that are being damaged by living with that parent. Even someone who seeks treatment, if they go off their meds, which many bipolar people do repeatedly, living with them is intolerable and can be dangerous because men and women that are bipolar are often violent. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/30/2009 12:48:54 PM |
If there were no kids involved, you might have the luxury of continuing to put up with abuse the mentally ill person chooses to engage in because again, they won't seek treatment but that choice is gone when you have children that are being damaged by living with that parent. Even someone who seeks treatment, if they go off their meds, which many bipolar people do repeatedly, living with them is intolerable and can be dangerous because men and women that are bipolar are often violent.
I can understand divorcing someone who won't seek help/treatment. That part is under their control. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/30/2009 1:18:48 PM | I had a friend who has had years with her bf/then to husband of on/off, fighting big time. she's 2 years married and fed up with her husband's issues. The way she reasons in staying with him were;
staying in there for better or worse, you can only put up with so much, but if he goes over the line *for her it's cheating or him looking at porn* then she'll divorce him. I guess everyone has a certain amount of limitations before they call it quits.
wanting a second child with the same father. she didn't want a different father, and with her age 35, it would be hard to find a commited relationship much less get pregnant.
he has a good retirement benefits.
When i saw her one time, she had bruises on her arm due to her fight with her hubby, i told her she could have reported him to thep olice, just in case he does worse later, her response, if i report him, his job would be jeapordized, since he's a correctional officer, and that wo uld mean if she broke it off with him, she wouldn't get that much for child support.
I can see how people should have certain limits they can put up with but to settle for less isn't healthy or make neither party happy | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/30/2009 1:43:29 PM | I don't really care about people's marriages when children aren't involved. No one else gets hurt when they get divorced.
However, I do think when children are involved, people should try to fight less and get a long a little better for the sake of having an intact family for their children. I think sometimes as adults we act too selfishly, forgetting the awesome responsibility we undertook when we had children. In promising to do everything in their best interests, we have to subjugate ours to a certain degree. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/30/2009 6:32:35 PM | My Ex had always been self centered but after the kids were born it seemed to escalate. He would make life altering choices that he felt comfortable with and never would discuss with me till after the fact. Small issues like walking out on 7 jobs in 10 years or taking 5 grand out of the bank to buy a new lawn tractor or a few new suits.
You see female guests on Oprah with closets full of clothes they have never worn, he was the male equivalent except it was tools, high end electronics and materials for household projects that somehow never got started. He completely wasted a great education that took the first ten years of our marriage to achieve. He turned 40 and decided to no longer be a Director of Engineering but to be a house painter, then a chauffeur, then a truck driver............it was a nightmare. Had they been hiring cowboys or Astronauts in NH he probably would have tried those jobs as well.
I got sick of being the only adult that worried about bills, saving for retirement or the kids education. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/30/2009 7:11:58 PM |
I got sick of being the only adult that worried about bills, saving for retirement or the kids education.
Wow! Did he have some sort of a break down or was it a mid life crisis or what? Did you guys get married really young? | |
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domll
| | Joined: 4/17/2009
Msg: 24 | |
| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/31/2009 1:37:51 AM | My Ex chose to 'play away' whilst i was working, going on for ten months. Only came to light when i was made redundant and then announced that she wanted a divorce....double wammy!!
That was six years ago, took awhile to trust again. | |
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| Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/31/2009 4:44:15 AM | Well it was nine years ago, but remember it like it was yesterday. He had a job that took him away from home quite alot. I was left with kids, nappies, etc and when he came home he was too tired to be bothered with anything. Little did I know he was playing away, but I got jack of it in the end and wanted out and he didn't question why. Oh what a surprise?
PS: Notice how most of these messages are from women. Not surprising at all! | |
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