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Posted: 5/30/2009 5:34:17 PM | I'm not looking for pity, just maybe someone can explain, why is it that my lady (not an alchoholic), gets drunk and very nasty, she has grabbed my throat, promised not to do it again and yet tonight she was drunk, swore alot? I left the midlands to move to Devon for this, as i have no one else here, no friends or family, i know i'm vunerable.
How do i explain to the one i assume is my soulmate that she is breaking my heart, and this time i won't be able to take it, how do i help her? | |
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Posted: 5/30/2009 5:40:58 PM | | She is your special someone and if you truly want to help her, you mention it to her. Let her know how violent and verbally abusive she gets when she does drink. Get a camcorder and keep it handy for the times that this happens, then show it to her when she's sober. If all else fails, leave! No one should put up with abuse, whether it be physical or verbal. | |
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Posted: 5/30/2009 5:48:11 PM | | Thank you for your kind words, and wisdom. I have recorded her, and shown it her, she was so sorry last time, i forgave her and believed her she would get help. I know you speak sense when you say leave, but i cant, i would be here all night explaining. This is my last chance to make it a go in life, after this i die. Thank you. | |
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Posted: 5/30/2009 5:55:43 PM | Hi,
so sorry to hear what you're going through. I think your lady needs to seek some councilling of some sort. It sounds like her way of releasing pent up anger. She is also aware you can't leave and because of that she will keep repeating the same pattern.
Best of luck  | |
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Posted: 5/30/2009 6:01:22 PM | Thank you, i have already mentioned this to her, she said she would, but its all lies, told me tonight before telling me to f*** off out of her house that she enjoys it.
Maybe i should see i cant help her, and worse is no woman has broken my heart like she has. | |
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Posted: 5/30/2009 6:10:46 PM | | I am going through the same thing. My heart is broken also. You have managed to get yourself into an impossible situation. Your self worth is probably down the toilet. Your scared as you have no contacts where you are. You feel worthless and not good enough. You can't understand why she could be so cruel to you when all you've done is love her??? The thing is, you have to think what i have to think to get through it all. SHE has the problem NOT YOU! You are worthy of so much better and it's your own insecurites that are keeping you there. We have allowed to let these people to break our hearts. God i wish i could take my own advise. Was up all night trying to make sense of my life! | |
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Posted: 5/30/2009 6:22:26 PM | | Might I suggest you find a local chapter of al anon. I'm not inferring she's an alcoholic but I suspect you could use the support surround abusive irrational drunk attacks. Best wishes and don't be scared to freakin leave | |
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Posted: 5/30/2009 6:48:27 PM | ...why is it that my lady (not an alchoholic), gets drunk ...
... why is it that my lady (not a burglar), breaks into a house...
... why is it that my lady (not a dentist), fills a cavity...
... why is it that my lady (not a circus clown), entertains kids at parties... | |
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Posted: 5/30/2009 7:42:04 PM | Don't make excuses for her. She's been this way way before you came along, and she has had this tone of thoughts in her head for so long that she's ready to show you her true self.
Have you ever heard that a Drunk person speaks a sober mind (WHAT THAT MEANS IS) is that some people way until they get drunk or starts drinking to tell the other person how they really feel about them.
She has a problem within her self and you can't change her, SHE has to change her. You can't When she is ready she will but until then she's going to keep doing that to you.
-You can make a life for your self, she can't make you whole only you can do that.
so far what i've heard form you she's been taring you down.
REMEMBER: Love doesn't hurt, and lover NEVER takes a break, it always looks out for you in every way.
She's not giving you love.
Hope you do find true love.
Peace. | |
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Posted: 5/30/2009 8:06:40 PM | OP, your lady may suffer from a personality disorder that is famous for causing a woman to be very passionate and make you feel like her knight-on-a-white-horse for a short while. Indeed, she will mirror your personality, making you feel like she is your "soul mate" (a term you use). Yet, because she cannot sustain that false image, she will start becoming abusive and will blame every bad thing on you. That usually starts at about six months into the relationship. One of the hallmarks of this disorder is the push-you-away and pull-you-back behavior you describe. Another hallmark is the inability to control emotions, leading to extreme promiscuity or (as in your lady's case) overuse of alcohol or other drugs. The disorder is called BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).
If you click to the left on my History, you will find I have written quite a lot about BPD, summarizing information I've found at websites targeted at those of us escaping from BPD relationships. Yet, because I am not a psychologist, you would do much better by going directly to those websites where you will find articles by trained therapists. I suggest you start at BPDfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm which is the best concise description of what a relationship is like with a person who has high functioning BPD. Other good sites are BPDcentral.com and BPD411.org. If your lady does suffer from BPD, a lightbulb likely will go off in your head when you read the short article mentioned above, because you will recognize some of the nine BPD traits as you read about them.
With BPD sufferers, their inability to trust anyone means you can never convince them of your love. Because they can never trust you, you will never be able to trust them. Moreover, their emotional memory is so short that they cannot appreciate the hundreds of things you have done for them. Instead, they remember (at an emotional level) only what you have done for them in the past week or so. Hence, it's always "What have you done for me lately?" If your lady has strong BPD traits, you cannot fix her by loving her. On the contrary, loving her will cause her pain as you draw close because she cannot tolerate intimacy. It is like trying to heal a burn patient by hugging her. She will feel like she is being suffocated, losing herself into your own personality.
Because you have been returning to her repeatedly despite the abuse, you are a sitting duck for such people. This means that, even if you leave her, there is danger that you will be drawn to another woman just like her. I know because I am drawn to wounded birds/victims too. Like you, I am the caretaker type who feels most valuable when helping other people, even when it is to my own detriment (duh, look what I'm trying to do right now, LOL). That is, we seek out the damaged people and victims of society, the very people that others run screaming from. Therapists would say that we have "codependent" aspects to our personalities. Hence, the websites I mention above provide good information about how to do a better job in establishing personal boundaries that protect you and me. And they will help you understand why you are on a self-destructive course if you return to a BPD-type relationship. Best of luck to you! | |
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Posted: 5/31/2009 2:16:19 AM | | lets face reality titan99, if she ever gets drunk period, then she's an alcoholic. point blank. dont make xcuses 4 her. she has a prob n mayb u do 2 if u refuse 2 c her 4 wut she really is. | |
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Posted: 5/31/2009 7:34:48 PM | | You can help her by leaving her so she can (if she wants) get herself into rehab. Once in rehab, no contact for a year...I think that's AA's rule. Then, once she's clean, maybe give it another go. | |
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Posted: 5/31/2009 8:37:39 PM | I went thru something similar and maybe I'm a little bit jaded but. I have a problem believing/accepting someone's apology for a repeated behavior. The way I see it if you screw up, you apologize/atone, and you don't do it again.
She knows how that hurts you, yet she chooses to drink, she chooses to engage in behavior knowingly that has hurt you in the past.
People like this don't change. Period. When she says she's sorry she means she wishes you didn't get hurt by it but it's not reason enough to stop. Best of luck to you. | |
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Posted: 5/31/2009 9:00:02 PM | http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/
this site is a great site for someone in your situation. | |
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Posted: 5/31/2009 10:42:36 PM | | My last relationship involved a boozehound. When she didn't drink, she was fine and great to be around with. But as soon as she was drinking, she was a mean woman. I won't patronize you and type that oh so typical statement about help, but if you didn't sign up for this type of relationship, it's best to move on for now. I did, and as much as I love being in a relationship, that one was not the one. | |
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Posted: 6/1/2009 12:11:04 AM | This may not help much. Alcholisim is a very horrable illness. My Father was an alcholic all my life. I have seen him choke my mother, beat me down physicaly, he always got mean when he got drunk.
It is a dissease, the worst part of it is the alcholic must admit they are an alcholic before they will get help for it.
Unfortunatly most will never admit it.
When I married my husband 15 years ago , he was NOT an alcholic, but I just discovered recceantly that, years,and years before he left me he had been cheating on me,and even fathered 2 children out of wedlock.
After his father died in 2007 he began drinking really hard, getting harder,and harder to please.
When he did leave me, insted of taking responsabality for HIS OWN ILLNESS he told his sisters that he had to STAY DRUNK just to put up with me.
When all along it was his own doing,and his own weakness.
I know what you mean about leaving your home and family to be with them.
I lived in Oklahoma where all of my family were to come down here to marry him in Fort Worth,TX. Only relative I have here is my 29 year old son who lives with me.
Some times you can not help an alcholic if they do not want help.
Try telling her that her drinking is tearing your heart out,and ask her if she loves you enough to get help for it.
That dear is ALL you can do, the rest is up to her. If she will not stop drinking and will not get help then you will have to make a decision. Do you stay with her knowing this is what to expect the rest of your life. Or get out,and get away from this TOXIC relationship.
Sincerely Peggy | |
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Posted: 6/1/2009 12:12:26 AM | I just read that post. It sounds like it is up to you to decide. Keep living with her,and put up with the abuse, or get out before she drives you insaine along with her self.
Peggy | |
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