| Comfort Zone
Posted: 5/31/2009 4:57:15 PM | I think there may have been a recent thread about this subject but after attempting to read it I found it to be way to pretentious and the authors seemed to really be interested in reading their own words and showing off their vocabulary than actually tackling any issue.
I was reading a newsletter that I subscribe to and can across a few paragraphs that connected with many things in my and other peoples lives.
I have often heard, actually this is probably the single most frequent statement I hear from women, that they are only attracted to ***holes or bad boys or at the very least the wrong type of guy.
Some women are 100% sure that they are destined to only attract this wrong type of guy and have accepted it. Do to this acceptance they have lowered the standards of what they would call a healthy relationship and have settled for cheating, verbal, emotional and in some cases physical abuse. I am pretty sure men do this to but we just end up call the woman "crazy" or "psycho" and dodge accountability as much as we can.
“Do what you always did, get what you always got.”
Most people are scared of the new, unknown and unfamiliar. They prefer to stay in that womb of comfort. When the going gets tough; when the effort gets painful, when the work gets hard, they always pull back into safety. But the extraordinary people do the opposite. They know they have to get out of the comfort zone, and into new territory or they’ll stagnate and die.
If you are one of these types of people that often find themselves in the same situation over and over again, attracted to the same type time after time, than maybe it's time for you to step out of your comfort zone and try a getting to know someone who you normally wouldn't. Have any people tried this before and what were/are the results?
46&2 | |
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Posted: 5/31/2009 5:12:01 PM | I don't think most people go whoohoo, I got myself another azzhole. They start relationships with people they believe to be normal and when they find themselves with someone who isn't, it is lack of understanding and self-esteem that keep them from moving on. The good news is that most people start making different choices as they get older and have more experience. They realize that if the guy is disrespectful at that time when he should still be trying to impress, it isn't going to get better.
They also stop asking why they are attracting the people and realize that there is nothing wrong with them, it is the other person who is not what he/she claimed to be. | |
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Posted: 5/31/2009 5:17:40 PM | | Well, I find myself attracting a$$holes and users. I'm not sure maybe it's because I'm sexually uninhibited. I'm not a slut or a whore for that matter. But, I'm openminded. So finding my match is very hard and I constantly have to step outside my 'comfort zone'. But, then the guys outside my 'comfort zone' can't handle my sexual needs. So, what's a girl to do? Any suggestions??? | |
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Posted: 5/31/2009 5:21:33 PM | Nah .. judging by the disdain for my literary .. solvency of typing the proverbial wtf do you expect from the expect.. table .. on these forums and the amounts of times .. the kiddies have had my freedoms quashed by suspension. due to my inability to think exactly like them .. ( an issue of alot of females.. sigh)
Most people only read what is in their own minds... and I find that unless they were born .. identifiably genius in their own heads.. I become uncomfortably and .. excruciatingly .. bored ... great minds do not think alike. There is much more to order in chaos than cluttered heads... the world is not an oyster . it is more a cult tour..
.........and with much ado... I become blew... who... hoo..... hue? hah.... | |
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Posted: 5/31/2009 5:56:11 PM | ...makes me think of Einstein's definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I think that the comfort zone is truly a state of mind. I never go for the comfort zone and always for the complex task meaning one where I learn something along the way.  | |
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Posted: 5/31/2009 6:12:51 PM | | I can see that you can get into a rut with certain kinds of people. When I was younger, I only dated musicians, artistic, mercurial talented people were who I was attracted to. But most of them were also into drugs, booze and mostly broodingly introspective. When younger, don't we all try to hang with people that will "fit" into our life, sometimes be a benefit by knowing? As I got older, I realized that all people were truly fascinating, I have sort of developed a skill at finding people who are least like me, bring a mix of ideas and experiences that truly do enrich my standard of living. I don't think of people as " my type " ....heck, now, at this stage of the game, if someone is breathing, they are my type!!! God, I hope I never find myself in a comfort zone. I love the unexpected and the different. It's ever so much more exciting. (old chicks gotta get their kicks anyway they can!) | |
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Posted: 5/31/2009 6:21:52 PM | | I'd hardly call cheating, verbal, emotional and physical abuse a "comfort zone" (for me it would create a tremendous amount of anxiety), but, from broken homes, childhood molestation and the like, maybe that's what a lot of women are accustomed to and don't know, or are bored with, anything different. | |
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Posted: 5/31/2009 6:36:31 PM | | The women who still find themselves attracted to the same type of men like that have not dealt with their issues. That is why usually plus a lack of self esteem. To go outside of the comfort zone can be a good positive thing instead of that dreaded Einstein theory, within reason though. | |
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Posted: 5/31/2009 7:54:00 PM |
I don't think most people go whoohoo, I got myself another azzhole They start relationships with people they believe to be normal
I completely agree, however they will end up asking the same question as always, which is how do I keep attracting these types of men? What I am saying is that most people require familiarity or similarity in order to feel comfortable. You’re not looking for that A-hole but you’re looking where you found the last a-hole so why shouldn’t it be expected that you would find another A-hole?
When I say you’re looking where you found your last A-hole I don’t necessarily mean you’re looking in the same exact location, but you could be, I also mean you’re looking for the same traits as was in the others. Of course people don’t want to end up with an A-hole so we’re not looking for traits of an A-hole, we’re looking for what we think is normal. But we are looking from a familiar spot and searching for similar traits (traits that we initially think are normal) because that is what is comfortable for us. Ultimately that may be the problem that we have if we find ourselves asking ourselves, why always an A-hole?
I'd hardly call cheating, verbal, emotional and physical abuse a "comfort zone"
Why not? A horse will run into a burning barn and die, only because it is in a panic and wants to be where it is comfortable. A woman who has had her free will repeated raped and stabbed could find comfort in the familiar regardless of how unpleasant it is. People will stay in abusive relationships for many reasons, why not this one?
I constantly have to step outside my 'comfort zone'. But, then the guys outside my 'comfort zone' can't handle my sexual needs.
Stepping outside your comfort zone is not a cure all pill to be done once and you’ve achieved what you set out to do. However I believe that stepping outside your comfort zone is the only way to grow and change and most people will not do this because it hurts in one way or another.
I used to be very shy, to the point that I hadn’t had anything more than a plutonic relationship with a woman for many years. I eventually became comfortable with my life and convinced myself that I didn’t want anyone. Then I got tired of the same old thing and I felt stagnant and finally did what I dreaded. I hit on a girl. I also totally embarrassed myself and still cannot look that girl in the eye whenever I run into her. But I did learn and because I learned I grew and then I tried again. Continually stepping outside what was comfortable for me I eventually did achieve some success. However that success I achieved eventually became my new comfort zone and I once again became stagnant, restless and lonely. The only cure was to attempt another step outside of my comfort zone. Again it hurt the first few times, eventually it didn’t hurt as much and I became better. The cycle continues.
If a woman has lost her self-worth and self-esteem and has huge regrets about things she’s done in the past she may not feel comfortable approaching that really nice guy who she believes she doesn’t deserve. Therefore she ends up going for someone with less desirable traits because she feels more comfortable with someone who is not so perfect in her eyes. The sad part is the really nice guy could think she is perfect in his eyes.
46&2 | |
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Posted: 5/31/2009 10:01:38 PM | | I personally don`t think it is so much wanting to attract only azzholes. I think that most men are azzholes until they find a woman that they really want to build a life with. Until then, I don`t think they give a shyt enough about women that they are just messing around with to care how they treat them. So it is a numbers thing. I think the far overiding majority of men are really not going to be very good to women when they are dating around. You know, the old addage, boyz will be boyz. | |
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Posted: 5/31/2009 10:36:28 PM | I refuse to buy into that crap. Most men are NOT a$$holes. There are horrible people - men and women.
For what it's worth I feel that as long as we believe the opposite gender if evil - gold-digger, players, abusers, users - you name it then it is harder to see the good when it is standing right in front of you.
I know what it's like to be scared and cautious, but I also know how that feeling kept me paralyzed and lonely. Ok, so I'm still alone, but I'm not paralyzed anymore. | |
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Posted: 5/31/2009 10:39:29 PM |
I am pretty sure men do this to but we just end up call the woman "crazy" or "psycho" and dodge accountability as much as we can.
Really? | |
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Posted: 5/31/2009 10:39:36 PM | | Well I think I maybe hsould step oyt of my comfort zone but I am scared......! I do not want bad boys realy I hate them now and I just want a nice normal guy that I have things in common with. Comfort zones are comfortable:( | |
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Posted: 5/31/2009 11:09:10 PM | | There's a saying, "better the hell I know than facing the unknown". People are scared of the unknown, which is why we sit in those "comfort zones". However, emotionally comfort zones can be death traps. | |
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Posted: 5/31/2009 11:23:04 PM | Doing the same thing over and over but expecting differant results is not Einsteins definition, it's from the book Alcoholics Anonymous. Known in the A.A. community has The Big Book. I believe it's page 52 but I could be mistaken on that.
The same could be said for this thread. Over and over and over and over and over and over we get these threads about why are women attracted to bad boys. And over and over and over and over and over again the same redundant old crap.
Generalizations suck.
Not all women are attracted to a-holes.
You can't fix those that are.
Just be yourself.
Date nice women.
Is there something so difficult about that? | |
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Posted: 6/1/2009 6:05:49 AM | ^^^^ very revealing post beershark - thanks for the correction - not Einstein - AA | |
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Posted: 6/1/2009 6:22:14 AM | Very true about Einstein. Unfortunately, the women who allow this negative behaviour in their relationships are asking for it by allowing it. This gives the giver silent permission telling them that we will put up with it. Therefore, it USUALLY takes 2 to tango. javascript:smilie(' ') | |
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Posted: 6/1/2009 6:57:45 PM | | OP: The females I have heard say things like you describe are actually getting the best men they are capable of getting and deserve. In other words, they are ***holes or bad girls. They just think they are better than the men they go out with. As a result, any time I hear a female say one of these things, I mentally say "Thanks for the warning" and move on to someone better. | |
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Posted: 6/1/2009 7:36:53 PM | I think alot of people do find themselves repeating the same situations over and over again. I believe you really have to go through whats called an epiphany relationship to wake up and realize you need to make some changes. An epiphany relationship is a relationship that caused you to have a sudden clarity and insight into that particular relationship, yourself, your actions, and potentially all of your relationships. There is a defining moment within this relationship where everything changed for you and suddenly you couldn't escape the truth and it became life changing.
I had had a series of moments in my life where I was glimpsing the truth about myself and relationships....but I was put on the path to change when I woke up after being in a "relationship" with another Mr. Emotionally Unavailable and suddenly thought "I can't do this!" We'd spent the previous evening together, laughing....joking....playing around and appearing to be happy. As he got ready to leave my place the following morning though, it occurred to me that the black cloud had returned again. He kissed me and said "Talk to ya soon" or something to that affect and it occurred to me that I had no idea when I would hear from or see this man who had just spent the night with me again. I realized that we were NOT in a relationship and this guy was completely not what I needed in my life.
The key with epiphany relationships is that it makes it difficult for you to return back to your old behaviors and patterns because from then on....you're doing it consciously and that means that the responsibility for your outcome lands squarely with you. These defining moments are difficult to ignore and they can throw out some painful realizations about yourself....but it can be the beginning of a better relationship with yourself, which leads to a better life all round.
The great thing about epiphany relationship's is that from something that could be perceived as negative can come a great deal of positivity. I'm not sure I ever thanked Mr. Emotionally Unavailable (maybe I did in some way because we still talked on occasion for awhile) but thanks to him....he gave me my epiphany because of his inability to connect and give me what I needed in a relationship, and because of that....I've been set free from the constraints that I had put myself in and I am most definitely far happier now… | |
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Posted: 6/1/2009 11:23:54 PM | | I think most people just don't know how to identify abusive personalities, and lots of people seem to get a kick out of watching the abuser treat someone else badly until it is their turn to be abused. I learned it the hard way, and that is my honest opinion. | |
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Posted: 6/1/2009 11:43:52 PM | I have been attempting to step outside of my comfort zone for a few years now, but because it is unfamiliar territory l am not sure how well it is really going  . One thing though.....even though nothing has worked in my favor to this point, l DO find that each new venture l have taken on has been better than the last one so l must be on the right track. l just keep holding to the hope that eventually the better and better will somehow soon become the "best" and l will finally find the right fit....oh well, wish me luck HAHAHA | |
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Posted: 6/2/2009 6:00:25 AM | If you are one of these types of people that often find themselves in the same situation over and over again, attracted to the same type time after time, than maybe it's time for you to step out of your comfort zone and try a getting to know someone who you normally wouldn't.
well then let me disabuse you of that notion forthwith because it's completely ass-backwards. relationships are not THINGS, they are dynamic and very complex interactive processes, much of which takes place at a subconscious level. therefore we can only relate to (i.e. "be on the same wavelength with") those people who express the same sort of stuff that we're broadcasting (if only within our own heads) all day long.
that means if you're nothing but a sh1t magnet, then there's something fundamentally wrong with your thought processes. only if you change your thought processes will you be able to experience something profoundly different when it comes to your relationships. lots of people would rather not do that, because my god that would make them responsible for their own results. why the hell would anyone want to own up to their own junk, when it's so easy to blame somebody else?
in other words, changing your thought processes may entail getting out of one's comfort zone to some degree. but you can't artificially fix things by "getting to know someone who you normally wouldn't." but, you can change your own internal landscape and then guess what, the rest pretty much takes care of itself.
have fun and seize the day, or at least the moment.
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Posted: 6/4/2009 7:56:50 PM | Listen, wherever people come up with these notions or misconceptions that jerks are better, keep in mind their confidence is called "arrogance." Some people live for the weekend to tell others amazing stories of how they got rid of some girl they recently met or how they broke up with her.
Women are attracted to the most outgoing and unique thing in the room. Jerks win at this category because they stand out with bulging muscles and an aggressive attitude. What people forget always is that women are also attracted to people with intelligence and someone that makes her feel comfortable. And regardless of nice or jerk, we all have this capability but many of us lack CONFIDENCE. Sorry nice guys, this is where you have to up your anty. Find new levels of intrigue without being an ass. Let me know how it works.
I'm confident you will do it.
Because regardless of my success and failures, it will always work for me. | |
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Posted: 9/7/2009 6:05:10 AM |
I had had a series of moments in my life where I was glimpsing the truth about myself and relationships....but I was put on the path to change when I woke up after being in a "relationship" with another Mr. Emotionally Unavailable and suddenly thought "I can't do this!" We'd spent the previous evening together, laughing....joking....playing around and appearing to be happy. As he got ready to leave my place the following morning though, it occurred to me that the black cloud had returned again.
^^^I had a similar sort of relationship last year. It wasn't comfortable for me either...and I, like you had an epiphany about what I needed and what I wanted which came sometime after it ended, and after almost becoming involved with another version of that man. | |
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Posted: 9/7/2009 9:36:21 AM | Take a closer look at some of these people who are attracted to "poorly sociables" (I have), and you'll notice...they share those qualities. For example, people who aren't afraid to ask you for money, who aren't great at spending it, can sometime be found w/ a partner like that. A opportunist who doesn't hold back on hurting other people, may have more than a few cheaters in their past. Et cetera.
Its not that they seek this person...they just don't recognize behavior like their own, as bad. I knew a man who's father beat everyone in the family. The man's sister twice married wife beaters, and he ended up w/ an abusive spouse. It wasn't that he looked for her--he knew what was there, and figured he had handled it before, and since he wasn't finanicially stable--he was always trying to get the bullies in his life in trouble, rather than get financially stable--he went w/ her. I told him, next time he finds someone who makes him feel at home--that's the sign to run.
Some women do believe they are destined to have a hard life. Which raises the obvious question:
where the Hell did they learn to expect this in their life?
It wasn't that they ate the wrong cereal one day, and changed their way of thinking to this. its they grew up learning this. Probably, irresponsibility in their lives meant a lot of things going wrong (naturally), so they felt their thoughts of hard life being reinforced by their own experiences...instead of simply saying, "I have this problem b/c I caused it."
In order to step out of the comfort zone, you have to bring yourself with you. How many of "these people" feel comfortable bringing themselves to the table to offer? do they think they really can get a good guy? Do they think they can maintain a healthy relationship...or will they, themselves, backslide? That comfort zone could possibly mean, they don't have to step up to the plate. They don't have to be an adult. They don't have to take responsiblity for the needs in their life, if they can find a control freak to take care of them. | |
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