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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > How to help a clingy ex get over you?      Home login  
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 anonymous2009
Joined: 5/25/2009
Msg: 1
How to help a clingy ex get over you?Page 1 of 1    
I know men aren't supposed to ask advice but i'm just a stupid kid so here it goes. I broke up with my gf of two years about 2 months ago. It was a mutual breakup. After about a month, she calls me up begging me to take her back. I could tell the initial breakup was hard on her but i had no idea she was so attached. I do love her as a friend and worry about her but i really don't want to get into a relationship again. We didn't live together or have any offspring so i feel that i'm not obligated to stay just cause she wants it. we are only in our early 20s, i really don't want to settle down with anyone. with gfs past, i'd usually just tell them to "f" off. but this one is different. i suggested that she stop talking to me if she finds it too painful but she insists that "being friends" is better than not having me in her life at all. I have no problems being her friend and it wouldn't even bother me if she had a new bf. this relationship wasn't meant to be. i know it will bother her when i get a new gf though. She can't do anything physically to me cause i'm a guy and much stronger but i'm worried about how she will handle it for her sake. if i had of realized that she was this needy i wouldn't have dated her in the first place. I'm usually pretty good at reading women but i was totally blindsided by this one. I don't see what the big deal is about me anyways. i'm ok but i'm not a tank or rich. there are plenty of fish in the sea and i told her this. so basically, what can i say or do to help her help herself. i know i can't solve her problems, she has to but what words of encouragement could i give her to help her help herself. I'm not taking her back, i love her but i'm no longer in love and its not right to string her along. what should i do?
 TashieTash
Joined: 1/15/2009
Msg: 2
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How to help a clingy ex get over you?
Posted: 6/1/2009 8:20:30 AM
What you should do... Tell her that you guys need time apart with no contact. That will help her get over you, and that will help her to move on. Of course she will be attached. You guys were together for 2 years. It's not easy to just move on from a 2 years relationship.

It's going to sound really mean. But, when she calls, try to ignore. When she comes over, try to ignore. It's been done to me before. It hurt as heck. But it sure did work cause I finally realized that I should be doing some thinking instead of hunting the guy down. I did the thinking, and I realized it was over. She just needs to accept the fact that it is over, and if you can't show it to her, she will not accept it and she will not move on.
 babyboysweet21
Joined: 5/28/2009
Msg: 3
How to help a clingy ex get over you?
Posted: 6/1/2009 8:47:49 AM
i think ur self absored pig man u need to have consideration for others and how she feels if she needs to talk invite her over to talk be there for her in as many ways as u can if u didnt want all this u shouldnt have dated her in the first place u need to have consideration why do guys b with a girl and have sex with them just for simply that i dont get it am i the only pashianate guy in the universe man i would give my life to have a woman that cared for me like that for just one day ur a moron man what u need to do is put off other girls and what u do in ur free time and be there for her as a friend make that clear to her till shes ok it could b a great friendship dont just leave her alone with no answers to her many questions ur could **** her up for life .
 fortygeek
Joined: 2/15/2009
Msg: 4
How to help a clingy ex get over you?
Posted: 6/1/2009 10:17:32 AM
OP,
No contact is the way to go.

It is IMPOSSIBLE to be friends with someone you are still in love with, and she's obviously still pining over you. Her need for your friendship appears to be cover for her need to have you in her life as something more. Every time you two make contact, she gets more false hope.

Do her a favor...no contact for at least a few months.

Paul ;)
 red_relaxed
Joined: 7/18/2007
Msg: 5
How to help a clingy ex get over you?
Posted: 6/1/2009 11:00:44 AM
According to your profile you’re 19, not in your early 20’s, and apparently quite a genius since you’ve acquired your PhD. Congratulations, there's not too many folks who've done that at your age!

Finish sowing your wild oats, believe me, she’ll get over you.

I doubt this is a real question or situation.
Figure out how to be a decent human being by living and doing with this in mind...Don’t treat anyone else how you wouldn’t like to be treated yourself.
It’s the “Golden Rule” and works pretty good if applied.
 lamhoir
Joined: 5/28/2009
Msg: 6
How to help a clingy ex get over you?
Posted: 6/1/2009 11:26:23 AM
Having a Y chromasome doesn't make you omniscient. Ask for help when you need to, and you'll be a lot happier for it.

I think previous posters have it right on the money when they say to cut off all contact with her. From what you're describing, it sounds like she's obsessing about you, and any contact between the two of you will just reinforce that obsession. The only way through is to remove yourself entirely from her life for a while. Typically, it's between six months to a year of no contact before all the baggage is gone and you can be friends again.
 P.R.Handgrenade69
Joined: 4/10/2009
Msg: 7
How to help a clingy ex get over you?
Posted: 6/1/2009 2:42:19 PM
@OP:

DON'T DO IT, WE LOVE YOU!!!! SAVE YOURSELF!!!!!

A person like that is psychotic. Don't pick up the phone, watch your back, and don't go out alone at night. If it is possible, change your telephone number or move away. I was stalked for 10 years by my first boyfriend! He was a royal pain in the ass. He would call my house and hang up and that would piss off my father BIG TIME. My dad said that if he ever caught that kid, he would choke him. Anyway, save yourself, dude. If she was let off twice was alot. She was served, so it is not your problem anymore. Keep paying attention to her and she will never go away. There is always a restraining order........
 cfb62
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 8
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How to help a clingy ex get over you?
Posted: 6/1/2009 3:03:49 PM
It's going to be hard and you're going to feel mean... but the best thing you can do for her is to walk out of her life.
No contact at all.
She sounds immature and obviously needs to work on her self worth.
I'd bet any time you have contact with her... in her head... she thinks you might come back.
Your perception on this whole thing is very impressive.
 anonymous2009
Joined: 5/25/2009
Msg: 9
How to help a clingy ex get over you?
Posted: 6/1/2009 3:47:20 PM
babyboysweet 21 can go to hell. Who the **** do you think you are. You wouldn't be tough enough to say that to my face you little ****. You sound like a whiney wussbag little **** who is 21 and still a virgin. If i ever seen you i'd pound your head in.

As for everyone else, thank you for the kind advice and not judging me like the above mentioned ***hole. She isn't a psycho though, she isn't a physical danger. I think the no contact is a good idea. I kind of worry how she will handle it though, she seems very emotionally dependent on me. I know she loves me but I feel this wont' work. I hate the feeling of being smothered. I'm a man who needs freedom. I like it when girls WANT me but hate when they NEED me. I don't think i should be mean though, i think sitting her down and explaining that we can't hang out for awhile is the best route. thanks guys.
 tassiegreatplace
Joined: 4/20/2009
Msg: 10
How to help a clingy ex get over you?
Posted: 6/1/2009 3:58:15 PM
well first up dude telling someone u want to punch there head in so uncool i do see his point but at the same time i see yours u need to tell her u dont want to be with her and its over say it hard and honest but then point out good things about her but dont forget be nice to her and plez be nice to everyone we all have our thoughts thats all
 anonymous2009
Joined: 5/25/2009
Msg: 11
How to help a clingy ex get over you?
Posted: 6/1/2009 5:01:20 PM
I normally oppose violence but that piece of trash called me a self absorbed moron. I may not be in love anymore but i obviously care about this girl on some level if i'm on here looking for advice on helping her cope. How many would do that for their exes. Besides, the breakup was intially mutual, it was only after a month that she wanted me back. Would it be better I string her along knowing a relationship is not what i want right now.
 GoofBall311
Joined: 5/4/2009
Msg: 12
How to help a clingy ex get over you?
Posted: 6/1/2009 5:12:45 PM
Just ignore her. Everytime you talk to her, you are reinforcing her dependence on you. It doesn't help her at all, it just hurts her. Do her a favor and let her find someone else.
 Kindredpage
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 13
How to help a clingy ex get over you?
Posted: 6/1/2009 5:24:12 PM
There are many decent guys out there, and I have been involved in relationships with decent guys. But I don't think you are one of the good guys. I really don't like the feel I get from your statements. I think you are right this girl will be better without a guy that feels smothered by her. Maybe you can truly get over yourself when she stops smothering you.
 P.R.Handgrenade69
Joined: 4/10/2009
Msg: 14
How to help a clingy ex get over you?
Posted: 6/1/2009 5:53:41 PM
@anonymous2009:

Let it go! Babyboysweet 21 is an illiterate fool who got bullshit called on him in another forum. Check out his thread, it's bound to make you laugh. He's a stalker, so jealous that he scared away every girlfriend he ever had. I'm telling you, visit his thread and post. Don't have to explain yourself to him, especially to someone as dumb as Forrest Gump. He is jealous even of you because the other girl is practically breaking down your door and the girls run away from his. That is one troll so screwed up in his head that he honestly believes his own advice....

P.S.: There will be people who are for you and against you, that is the way it is here in the forums. For the most part, I think you did what you could and if she could not get it through her head, it is not your fault so don't feel guilty. Like I said, twice was alot. No one can make you feel what you don't feel, regardless what their feelings are. Putting a lot of distance and no other way for her to contact you. If you even agree to see her, you are not letting her get over you. She is convinced that eventually you will see it her way if she continues to contact you. I am sorry to say, with people like this you cannot even offer her a shoulder to cry on. This may sound horrible to some people but it's true. In time, it is possible to keep this friendship but for the moment, contact with her should be nil. She is not getting over you if she continues to contact you. It raises her hopes and expectations. She will see any kind of dialogue with you as a possibility of getting back together with you.
 SlimSumo
Joined: 11/6/2008
Msg: 15
How to help a clingy ex get over you?
Posted: 6/1/2009 5:55:13 PM
First off, the violence threat in a forum, puts you in the same category as any other player and idiot that just uses women.
Second, you were together for 2 years and you had no idea she was that attatched? That is a heck of a long time for early 20's/late teens.
The distance, and no contact idea is the best way to go. I just had to get over an ex of my own that I had a similar attatchment to, took me a long time after walking away to realize I didn't love her. Time is the only tool that heals. The best thing you can do is not to ignore her, not to walk away, but to put a large gap between you. Be there if she needs help. Take a day and take her to lunch and just talk about things, make it clear what went wrong and why you don't want to be/cant be with her anymore.
You have to have understanding from her perspective.
 Straight Christian Lady
Joined: 6/14/2007
Msg: 16
How to help a clingy ex get over you?
Posted: 6/1/2009 9:58:16 PM
OP, I applaud your wish to help her move on, and I understand how draining it can be when you care for her feelings, but don't want to give her false hope. It's a tricky line.

There's no way you could have predicted this trait in her, because when you first got together, that kind of intensity is part of attraction. Once you knew it wasn't going to work for you, tho', I think - it sounds like - you felt/feel trapped and guilty that she is hurting as a result of the time you had spent with her. Maybe you feel like she learned to believe in you, and that now you've betrayed her trust so you're having a hard time letting go even for yourself: not out of passion, but COMpassion. I can see you really don't want to make this harder than it is.

babyboysweet21,
OP is not self-absorbed!
If he were, there's no way he'd be posting this, trying to figure out how to gently disengage from a disturbed girl who isn't able at this time to be realistic. Any time he gives her now will just give her the message that there's still hope. As long as she thinks there's even the slightest chance he might eventually come back, she won't let go. As long as OP behaves in any way that indicates he cares, she can't let go. In her mind, that would be betraying HIM.

OP, you have to cut the ties in the cleanest way possible. State your intention in person, in a public place, and without any explanation beyond "It's best for both of us now if we say goodbye."
I know it sounds so terribly harsh, but the more you try to 'let her down easy', the more she'll think you don't really mean it. You actually have to be cold here. It's kinder to her in the long run, tho' in the immediate it will make you feel like cr*p.

Don't cave in, tho', or it will start all over again!!

In case this should become a 'situation',
If she calls you, let the machine pick up. Screen unknown numbers. Change your number if you have to. Block her emails, and spam-filter addresses you don't know - in case they're from her, using other addresses. Return unwanted gifts.
Keep a log of all her attempts to contact you, and keep all her phone messages/texts.

This girl needs help, yes, and the only way YOU can help her is to completely cut off all avenues of communication with you AFTER telling her your firm goodbye. Watch your wording, and avoid things like "I like you but .. " or .. "you're a great person, but" .. because any and all positive statements will be misinterpreted.

Best wishes. I hope you manage to handle this in the most effective and decent way. I admire your wish to be kind.
 anonymous2009
Joined: 5/25/2009
Msg: 17
How to help a clingy ex get over you?
Posted: 6/3/2009 8:26:51 AM
Key player, you are the best person on here yet, I think thats what might be necessary, I kind of knew anyways but I was wondering what else I could do to ease her pain. Women can do very silly things when they are attached. My only question is why she likes me so much, I'm only of average calibre. There is so much better out there.
 miss_contemplative
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 18
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How to help a clingy ex get over you?
Posted: 6/3/2009 10:23:39 PM
Oh stop with the friend bullshit. You're about as much of a friend to her as a lion is to a gazelle.

And you're not as great as you think yourself to be. She'll clue in soon enough. In the meantime, stop encouraging the pity as some way of making yourself feel like "da man".

May her next boyfriend be less aloof.
 anonymous2009
Joined: 5/25/2009
Msg: 19
How to help a clingy ex get over you?
Posted: 6/6/2009 11:45:31 AM
now thats not nice Miss C, why would I want people to feel pity for me, I hate pity with a passion. Why do you think I want to remain anonymous? I don't enjoy watching people suffer you know, not in the least. I came on here for advice not to have people feel sorry for me. Why are you so bitter, you look really good for your age, you shouldn't be so mean lol. oh well at least you didn't personally insult me like that other ***hole. I have no interest in feeling like "da man", I don't even tell my friends how many girls i've been with, i prefer keeping a low profile.
 actualizing
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 20
How to help a clingy ex get over you?
Posted: 6/7/2009 11:41:28 AM
OP, I'm with Miss C on this one....leave the poor girl be. You are not responsible for her feelings. Let her own them. I agree that the no contact rule is the kindest in this situation. I am sure you do not have a Ph.D....it takes critical thinking to have one and judging by the way you've responded to those who may not see you as Mr. Nice Guy here you need to take a few steps back and look at your role in her painful attachment to you. Good luck on that dissertation though!
 Oceanna_Loo
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 21
How to help a clingy ex get over you?
Posted: 6/7/2009 12:16:48 PM
Almost at same time (5 days difference) and same category here in the forums is a girl questioning why exes can't be friends, and her version about her exes seems to match with your thread at least by the ages and the question of friendship with exes… Coincidence?

Ex's cant be friends? why? Posted: 6/6/2009 4:02:21 PM – Her version
./.
How to help a clingy ex get over you? Posted 6/1/2009 932 AM – Your version

Her version seems coherent with her profile, yours not. What’s your pretending here?

As much as urged her to shift her mind to her own goals and constructive behavior to herself, I want to urge you to keep your hands and controlling mind off the girl.

I read violence and trouble between your lines. I won’t tell what to do, you know better yourself what you’re seeking in here, feeding feelings of self-entitlement to say the least.
 republicque
Joined: 5/25/2009
Msg: 22
How to help a clingy ex get over you?
Posted: 6/7/2009 12:44:31 PM
...just have sex with her 5 times a day everyday for about a month and she will resent you.

lol
 ~LoriMac~
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 23
How to help a clingy ex get over you?
Posted: 6/7/2009 1:56:48 PM
no contact of any kind for 60 days...if you work together, go to the same starbucks...have the same friends or like to go to denny's on tuesdays...then stop....with work find ways of avoiding her but otherwise stop all contact...that means nothinggggggg for any reason. She will move forward in her life but you have to do this for her.
 ~SparklingRose~
Joined: 10/20/2008
Msg: 24
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How to help a clingy ex get over you?
Posted: 6/7/2009 4:07:09 PM

Miss Contemplative: Oh stop with the friend bullshit. You're about as much of a friend to her as a lion is to a gazelle.

And you're not as great as you think yourself to be. She'll clue in soon enough. In the meantime, stop encouraging the pity as some way of making yourself feel like "da man".

May her next boyfriend be less aloof.


I second, but for the exception that anonyous2009 is rather an attention seeking troll as opposed to a pity troll.... which is pitiful just the same... so, hey, I'll split the prize with ya Miss Contemplative....


*** Next... ***
 anonymous2009
Joined: 5/25/2009
Msg: 25
How to help a clingy ex get over you?
Posted: 6/8/2009 6:11:01 AM
yeah attention seeking alright, not even posting a real name, but whatever, its easy to judge people anyways.
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