| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/1/2009 12:38:24 PM | Do we give less of ourselves in relationships as we get older? Most people have already been in love and a lot of people have kids. Bad relationships have effects on people as well. Chances are, if you are single in your thirties, you have had at least one bad relationship. Personally, I'm probably going to have trust issues, and that isn't fair to the other person.
I'm not trying to be negative. I know that I'm the best me I've ever been. I have learned from my mistakes. Just wanted to see how other people feel about it. Did you think you would be online dating? It's harder to meet people when you're older. Anyway, I hope I don't get crucified for this, thanks for listening.
Shawn
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/1/2009 12:51:16 PM | I think the opposite is true. I have much more of myself to give now than I did 10-15 years ago. I understand how healthy, positive relationships work and what to do to be in one. Also, my kids are at the stage right before leaving the nest. They have an active and busy social life that doesn't include me which gives me a ridiculous amount of "me" time which would easily translate into "couple" time. I will say I have much less tolerance for games and BS but I don't see that as negative at all.
I really haven't had any bad relationships. I've had relationships that weren't healthy, relationships that weren't meant to be, relationships that should have never been but I wouldn't call any of them bad. Without them I wouldn't have learned the skills I now have to be a really fantastic partner.
You don't have to have trust issues if you don't want to. It's really just a matter of learning to trust yourself and not choosing crappy partners.
I didn't know it was something to wonder about when I was younger. On line dating isn't the dumping grounds for people who can't get dates, it's just another medium to meet people. It can be very successful if you approach it the right way. | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/1/2009 1:06:50 PM | | Thank you for your response. I wasn't trying to dump on online dating. That is the way I approach it, another medium to meet people. I think it's just the psychologist in me, overanalyzing. I would like to hear from other people on this subject, thanks. | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/1/2009 1:21:09 PM | | For me, I haven't let my past harm who I am...I hope to have learned from it and grown. I refuse to let less than pleasant past experiences influence me in a negative way, or at least I strive to keep that from happening. So most certainly, I think that I can give more, having learned the hard way how brutal it is to have loved and lost...and having learned that for me, the interaction in an intimate relationship is the one thing I really want in my life. Why would I give it anything less than my all? | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/1/2009 7:10:39 PM |
Do we give less of ourselves in relationships as we get older?
I really think this to be the case, at some point, just don't care anymore. | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/1/2009 8:35:12 PM | The main issue about trust is ....trusting yourself not to sabotage a relationship in the many ways that are learned but not understood.
Like unconsciously expecting the worst.
Amazing how life gives us what we expect.
AN important thing is maintaining our equilibrium,
staying in the center of who we are.
Not overly critical or impressed, either about ourselves or by someone we meet.
Try and not get greedy, wanting to get what you want when you want it.
Remembering that the other person's view is every BIT as important as yours.
Remembering you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs, don't store up resentments when things get a little bumpy.
Or think of the relationship like the car you always wanted.
Check the tires regularly and see if air is needed (that's thinking, mental activity, talking, listening, understanding)
check the oil and see if more is needed (checking that the other person is well, that you have been listening to their engine too, so that all runs smoothly)
check the transmision ...smooth easy driving will get you where you want to go. Erratic behavior, shifting gears too quickly, can lead to a breakdown.
And gas. try not to pass it in their presence | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/2/2009 4:56:50 AM | Personally, I'm probably going to have trust issues, and that isn't fair to the other person.
Shawn, this is the crux of the matter (for you). You need to work thru the issues surrounding this before you can have a healthy relationship, I believe. If you tend to over ananlyze, bounce this off of another psychologist--maybe they can share another
way of looking at this that reaches you. Just an idea.
I give more into a relationship, I believe. I looked into the issues surrounding my separation and subsequesnt divorce and got down to the root of the matter. Iam in a
much better place than ever in my life and I believe that I have learned a lot concerning relationships that allows me to have a richer future relationship.
All the best~ | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/2/2009 10:45:22 AM | I don't know if it's age-dependent. I think it might be person-dependent. I have met the love of my life and although I have a LOT of 'walls', she has gotten past every one of them. While this scares me ***less, it is also great to know that (after having been hurt in the past), I can trust someone with my fundamental self.  | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/2/2009 11:53:49 AM | I agree with many of the other posts its all about your frame of mind. If you enter into a relationship looking for failure then you will find it.
As for age and kids it could be an issue for a person of any age you don't have to be in your thirties or equally you could be in your thirties and never have met the right person yet. I think many people do pair off at a younger age leaving us singles less to choose from but depressingly or not depending on your view point many people grow up and these relationships break down possibly making it easier to find a like minded person with similar issues that you can then share with each other. | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/2/2009 1:30:02 PM | | You are probably right. After my divorce I think I jumped into another relationship a little too recklessly. | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/2/2009 1:58:48 PM | | Here's one thing I have learned about men, they are only ready for dating someone if they #1 Have a job with some type of title or at least a description that they are proud of. #2 Have a car that they don't mind driving. #3 Have a home that they are not embarassed to have someone come into. If they don' have all of the these 3 it is a recipe for disaster, and will be nothing but a game. Woman on the other hand can be a little more flexible in the material world. So far this is what I have observed to be the case no matter how bad the relationship was prior, the above 3 scenarios seem to me anyway, to be more of dealbreaker than a previous bad relationship. Men see what they want and go get it, only when they feel secure. | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/2/2009 3:04:41 PM | Hey Shawn,
You know that expression "fools rush in"? Well, I think that at our age we are simply no longer fools. It does not mean that we don't give as much of ourselves but that we pace ourselves better. That's what I think. 
[Edit: Human, that was an awesome post - lol] | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/2/2009 10:32:58 PM |
Did you think you would be online dating?
Been doing on line dating since I was a freshman in college. | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/3/2009 9:27:55 AM | | I give far more than I used to, having learned from past mistakes. Take nothing for granted. | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/3/2009 4:30:14 PM | I don't.
I don't get into relationships unless there's a potential for love. It doesn't matter if I had bad relationships or not.. the following relationships aren't gonna suffer over any of the crap in my past.
It's harder to meet people when you're older.
I'm not convinced that what makes it harder is my age. I am pretty darned sure, however, that since my social life has changed a lot since my mid-20s (changed as in I hardly ever go out), that this makes it hard to meet people. | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/3/2009 5:34:15 PM | Very honest knox, and awesome post human!
I'm young, but I have been through my share of heartache, and I do think I'm more guarded now. However, I also think that once you meet someone that really pushed the RIGHT buttins, you open up. Maybe I'm still a romantic? jeje | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/3/2009 5:36:58 PM |
Do we give less of ourselves in relationships as we get older?
Sometimes yes, sometimes no IMO.
I think we give less of ourselves in the sense we get tired of trying to constantly change in an attempt to determine who we are, and force others to perceive us as, what we think will be the most successful with the opposite sex.
I think some people never "grow" out of that though.
IMO I think this cuts down on a lot of the perceived "passion" of relationships as people stop trying to live up to the archetypes they create in their own head of how they are supposed to behave, feel, think, or be perceived.
So I think it leads to "less" of themselves because we didn't really know or accept who we were, so tried out all sorts of different persona's and places.
I think sometimes no. Because as we get older (IMO) the underlying, consistent person underneath all that sloughed on persona business gets tired and worn out. Tired from all the expended energy, lack of security or safety, and lack of success in obtaining or feeling what a person was supposed to feel if they were the adopted way. Worn out from the multiple or ever shifting personalities needed for potential success. Too much monkey see, monkey idealize, and monkey do. And not enough.."Hmmm...what does monkey mean, and what does monkey really want and why?"
So those sloughed on persona's start getting sloughed off. So a person can give more of who they really are, in a more consistent way, with greater strength of character.
But I don't think a lot of people go through that either.
Chances are, if you are single in your thirties, you have had at least one bad relationship.
No such thing IMO. Only people that you weren't compatible for eternity with, and have regrets that you weren't smart enough to figure it out sooner. Which means all the responsibility is on you, for maintaining a relationship. It's not the nebulous "relationship's" fault...it's yours.
Did you think you would be online dating?
When I first started dating the internet was not invented, at least commercially.
As soon as all the AOL disks started going out I did.
It's harder to meet people when you're older.
No it's not. It's just more your responsibility to do it. | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/5/2009 12:15:49 AM | NO. I give far more than I ever did. I'm wiser. I'm more compassionate. I'm more caring and I'm more forgiving than I once was.
Aging softens a person if they let it.
But I'm a hell of a lot smarter! And THAT is why I'm single today! | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/5/2009 7:56:04 AM | | I think I have become more careful about who I will give to...but once I have decided Im in, it's still full tilt. Just more selective on who gets in is all. | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/5/2009 8:23:25 AM | | I find I am capable of giving so much more. Whether it be friends, family, a personal relationship. Past experiences that I've learned from have helped me evolve into a better human being. It took me a long time to learn to love myself the way I do now. And through knowing myself better, I have more to give. | |
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| Something I've Been Pondering
Posted: 6/5/2009 8:49:31 AM | Looking back, it seems that most of what was wanted from me was imaginary, in the form of potential, for realizing her dreams. Have a great life by following the recipe for a great life, one ingredient being the great guy, selected by great guy traits listed on the fantasy checklist created sometime around the first appearance of pubic hair. Sex does this trick whereby a process called infatuation, ideals temporarily take form as real people, kind of like demonic possession, only with angels not demons. The demons are for later, after disillusionment, when they temporarily take form as the soon-to-be ex. Then, on to look for another angelic prospect.
All along I have been offering and giving the same thing, and what changes is how I am perceived and whether I am wanted. Typically I start being mistaken as someone better than I am with more to offer, and then found out to be someone worse than I am with less to offer.
Older women who have reconciled the fantasy with reality in their time will be either put off relationships or have decided that after all, a man is even better in person for who he is than the imaginary man who inhabits their fantasies. If they want a man on realistic terms, he will give of himself exactly what he has to offer, which varies depending on what of it is wanted.
I can be attractive by fanning the dying embers of romantic delusion. Want sparks? Watch this! [purple prose goes here]. And that's all it takes to revive the dream.
Or I can be unattractive simply by remaining sincere, realistic and ironic. In a future relationship I would have more and less to offer, having become more of this and less of that, but, as always, whatever is there, she is welcome to all of it, and whatever isn't there, she can't have any of it. | |
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