| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 6/1/2009 3:05:11 PM | I have read ad heard stories of people being "emotionally unavailable" and of course times when you start dating someody and then they tell you that they're married so it's all over.....
but i'm wondering was it more hurtful for you when the person was honest and just said outright that (for example) theyre not yet over their ex and therefore are not ready for a full on relationship wih you........ or did you feel better when he / she just dissapeared?
People say they admire and want honesty but it seems that much of the time it is so much easier to cope with if the person just dissapears or just says that hey're no longer interested (without giving any particular reason)
So do you prefer honesty and having to think it all over or would you prefer the dissearing act or the short sharp "you're dumped" routine? | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 6/1/2009 3:22:34 PM | | I much prefer someone being honest with me about why the relationship isn't working, as opposed to disappearing. I was dating a man for 4 months last year and he finally told me he just didn't feel a romantic connection. We got along great, but we were more like great friends than lovers. I was hurt briefly but I realized what he said was very true and because he was honest in his feelings, we have maintained a wonderful friendship. We can talk about anything and he considers me his best friend. Had he just disappeared, we both would have missed out on a friend for life. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 6/1/2009 4:08:24 PM | I prefer the honesty, although it's quite frustrating to be told over and over and over again that the timing's wrong. So I will pout, for sure. But I think having the answer, unsavory though it may be, is better than not knowing why.
In a twisted way, being "picked" by an emotionally unavailable person is a compliment. They stayed with you, even tried with you, because you are a pretty good thing. They're just not "there" yet. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 6/1/2009 4:25:57 PM | Sometimes it's just easier to fade. Despite my occupation, I'm not good at confrontation. No matter what you say - it's a form of rejection. You can be right and they may acknowledge it, but it's still rejection... There's no "nice" way of doing it. Some methods are more palatable, but it's still a dumping.
If the relationship is fairly new, fade is not inappropriate. Anything of long standing or emotional investment should receive the courtesy of an explanation whether it's face to face, text, or email.
And I'm only emotionally unavailable when with the wrong person... | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 6/1/2009 4:50:35 PM | Disappearing is both cowardly and cruel.
It's hurtful and mean, too.
It's not easier to cope with someone who refuses to talk to you or get in touch.
You don't have to be cruel when you end it with someone, but honesty is a reflection of your character, too. Are you a person of integrity, or do you duck out when you don't want to face something? | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 6/1/2009 5:28:55 PM | | The truth hurts more than disappearing, since the one is left behind always has a hope in their heart and without hope, we are all lost. It is more humane to simply leave cowardly or not. Most of the women who talk about bravery would never think of telling their Mother she is not what she claims to be. Obviously out of respect. We don't hurt the ones we love. Otherwise, we don't love them. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 6/1/2009 9:37:38 PM | | While I think it may be more 'hurtful' to be told honestly that it's over, at least there's closure to it. The lingering wonderment of what happened can be more damaging in the person's future relationships than that of a sore ego. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 6/1/2009 10:51:08 PM | i think we've lost the ability to communicate or be honest; it's like the cool think to be brutally honest, not caring for others feelings. It takes just as much effort to be sensitive.
We all say things we regret; there are misunderstandings at times that if you are a good person you try to forgive and learn from these situations.
Disappearing is being a coward; they don't want to be responsible and be honest and confront the person saying they aren't interested. "It's drama to them". Well you take care of business.
If you aren't into someone tell them in a sensitive way. it really isn't that hard. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 6/1/2009 11:02:49 PM | ^^ Is it that we've lost the ability to communicate honestly (I disagree) or is it that grown adults can't seem to or refuse to grasp the fact that absence means an absence of interest?
When someone is into you, they aren't absent, they are present and they always set up a next occasion to be with you.
If that isn't happening...it's a pretty fair bet that they aren't into you unless they have offered you some honest communication (at this point it is useful) telling you why. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 6/2/2009 2:19:10 AM | are we talking first date, or 10th date. if its the 10th date, then why did it get to 10 dates in the first place
i would prefer honesty, but with a little compassion
i would still have a great time with them, but would have to say early on that i dont think so, but would be happy to just hang out for a while, go do stuff. they have come to see you for a reason, it would be very hurtfull to just say "nah, f^$k off, i dont like you". its not hard to be nice to someone. you never know, you might just meet a friend. everyone in the world is better off for having more friends
at the end of the day, they, themselves, will know it wasnt going to happen. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 6/2/2009 9:54:56 AM | Honesty is always the best route in my mind. People tend to blame themselves when they aren't given any other reason, and that's not something I wish on anybody.
That said, it's a slippery slope. If you aren't careful while explaining, your explanation will be treated as carte blanche to argue with you. Which turns ugly fast. The key is to make it clear that your decision is final and that this isn't up for discussion.
And then get as far away from them as possible for a few months. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 6/2/2009 9:55:49 AM | | Much, much, much more painful if you just disappear. The lack of closure kills me and I end up getting upset for a while instead of just moving on, as I would otherwise do. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 6/2/2009 10:09:54 AM |
Much, much, much more painful if you just disappear. The lack of closure kills me and I end up getting upset for a while instead of just moving on, as I would otherwise do.
I completely agree. If it's someone you've invested some significant time in, then that closure is soooo necessary. I can handle almost anything if someone is just upfront and honest with me. And it gives us both the opportunity to shut it down and move on. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 6/2/2009 11:23:50 AM | | I think the golden rule applies "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you".... Would you want someone to do diseappearing act and leave you with unanswered questions? | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 6/2/2009 12:39:07 PM | I think everyone's going to say they prefer honesty, but I don't believe that most people would be able to handle it. They don't prefer EITHER. :)
They resort to the "I'd prefer honesty!" -after- they got they were left hanging by a disappearing act... predicting how they would feel, when, people around them flip out when they DO get the honest answer.
Think about it -- people will post messages like "Why did he/she disappear??" and another one will be "OMG, so after dating for weeks, he/she tells me they're married!!" Just as pissed.
Now, with that said, it depends on the person and how they'd take it. Some would actually end up preferring to know that they're married after they've been led on rather than disappearing, if say, they have a poor self-esteem and it's a sigh of relief that it IS really the other person and not themselves, right? Others would freak out thinking "how in the world could I have been going out with him/her?" And of course, the more seriousness, the more hurtful the disappearing act. Sudden disappearing act, or "oh my god they don't want to drag things out!" disappearing act? lol
The person doesn't know how they'd react, and which one they'd REALLY prefer, if they've been hiding something the whole time. Few, if any people are going to say "yeah, just disappear, don't be forthcoming", because that makes them look stupid, but in reality, there is no "stupid" when it comes to our emotions.
There is also an in-between -- them abruptly ending it, letting you know, not revealing all the whys, except they have baggage and they're sorry and don't want to drag it out. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 6/2/2009 2:16:22 PM | I much prefer honesty. I had one guy tell me that he was thinking of asking his ex-girlfriend to marry him when I was in love with him. When I heard that, the interest and love I had for him vanished immediately.
If only everyone would be that honest. Don't just disappear, tell the reason you are leaving so the other person can move on without wondering what happened. | |
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alv2.0
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Joined: 4/18/2009
Msg: 21 | |
| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 6/2/2009 2:35:12 PM | Oh God, no. Honesty is a million times better than just disappearing. Because otherwise I start to overanalyze EVERYTHING, and I absolutely cannot STAND that.
Do the other a favour and be straight-up and honest at all times. Please, for the love of God. lol | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:04:48 PM | | Some people can come on so strong with complements and statements of attraction. What gets me is when they lead me to believe they are really interested, and suddenly I never hear from them again. It would be kinder to know what happened instead of having to guess. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/8/2009 10:36:34 PM | | I'd rather they tell me why they lost interest....then just disappearing on me. And a few have told me and I appreciated that because it was easier for me to move on. With the ones who just disappear, you do kind of wonder for awhile...what happened? Sometimes, its just nice to know. Even if the truth hurts, I'd rather hear it then be left in the dark. | |
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| Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/9/2009 6:28:58 AM | | I think it depends on how long you've known the person and how long you've been dating for. If I've only gone out with someone 3 or 4 times I don't feel like I need some lengthy explantion as to why they don't to go out anymore. | |
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