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 smiles9505
Joined: 4/18/2009
Msg: 1
He is 32 and lives at home?Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Hi fishies! I did browse through related topics but couldn't really find anything that fits my question.

About three months ago I started chatting with a guy here on POF, it was run of the mill stuff, not sexual at all. I think we were really starting to dig each other, then he let it slip that he lives at home still. I didn't know how to respond to that, so distanced myself for a week or so. My initial thought was "omg, what a loser". He emailed me and asked what was up, and I consider myself honest so I said that I couldn't date someone who lives at home, and that most other women would feel the same.

His situation is purely his decision, he's not at home because of health problems, finances, or taking care of elderly parents or anything. I asked if he had ever left the nest, and he did for about six months, in 2000, where he shacked up with his cousin. The cousin got married so he left, and instead of starting on his own, he just said it was easier to go home, and had always thought to himself that he'd wait til he was in a LTR or was engaged to move away. So he was 23 when he moved away to be with his cousin for that very short period, and he is almost 33 now and has been at home for that last ten years.

Since meeting me he says he is waiting for the fall and then will buy a place of his own. Let me clarify though that I'm totally self sufficient, have a great job, my own place, just bought a brand new car, so I'm not looking for him to support me in any way, or buy a house for me to live with him in. I realize I've got no right to give him my opinions on this, as we are only friends and are not dating. My problem is, I really like this guy, but from what I know of him, he's incredibly passive and I don't think he's ever had a girlfriend.

I've never pushed the ''moving out'' issue, but he's got no drive for anything, a better job, place to live, etc. If it wasn't for the fact of the living situation, I think he would be good BF material, yet he readily admits he is irresponsible and scared of "real life". I'd love to take things a bit further, he knows I'm looking for love, a husband, and family one day, and I know he could offer me these things if he'd get up and start living in the real world. I don't know what to do about all this, he's great but I just can't get past it. I don't want to develop feelings if I know that he most likely won't change his circumstances without a giant "nudge", and I know that I can't change anyone, so I'm mega confused! Help!! Discuss...
 Landra
Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 2
He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/2/2009 10:57:26 AM
If not for the fact that he's got no drive for anything, a better job, place to live, etc. he'd be good BF material? LOL
He readily admits he is irresponsible and scared of "real life" and you want to take things further? LOL
You already know the answer:

he most likely won't change his circumstances without a giant "nudge", and I know that I can't change anyone
What's so confusing about that? He's a child. You wanna play mommy and see if you can nudge him? LOL
Come on.... what's with women who find losers and dream they can convert them into mature, stable, responsible men?
Do you really just want a boy because a real man scares you? Think about it.
 OAS500
Joined: 2/8/2006
Msg: 3
He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/2/2009 11:00:25 AM
QUOTE: "I'd love to take things a bit further, he knows I'm looking for love, a husband, and family one day, and I know he could offer me these things if he'd get up and start living in the real world. I don't know what to do about all this"

The key here is that it's what YOU would want.
He is obviously happy where he is. (even though it seems odd)
This is not what you want , so give him up and look elsewhere.
Do not expect others to change their way of life just because you want them too.
 WalkingInLondon
Joined: 2/21/2005
Msg: 4
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He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/2/2009 11:00:47 AM
As usual, Landra and I agree totally on this one. Logic plays out...you are dealing with a mental child here, and he is not going to grow up any time soon. Move on and find a real man.
Beth
 OCMALE08
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 5
He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/2/2009 11:02:23 AM
If ambition and drive are an attractive trait to you, I suggest that you look elsewhere. I am sure he's been nudged servaral times by age 32 to be more driven and ambitious and is content. It doesn't sound like he's embarassed by his living situation, so the motivation to avoid the embarassment issue isn't there.
 justwant2no
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 6
He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/2/2009 11:03:02 AM
Sorry OP, you'd get no encouragement from me. We are all products of our experiences - and this guy has none! I'm sorry but I can't respect someone who has never had to take care of themselves in any way. At 32, this guy is an overgrown adolecent! He's been living at home as an adult for all but 6 months of the last 21 years! Unless he has amassed a FORTUNE, he's just plain irresponsible.

he's got no drive for anything, a better job, place to live

Nope, sorry. I couldn't have feelings for someone I couldn't respect, and I can't see respecting someone like that.
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 7
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He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/2/2009 11:09:10 AM

I've never pushed the ''moving out'' issue, but he's got no drive for anything, a better job, place to live, etc. If it wasn't for the fact of the living situation, I think he would be good BF material, yet he readily admits he is irresponsible and scared of "real life". I'd love to take things a bit further, he knows I'm looking for love, a husband, and family one day, and I know he could offer me these things if he'd get up and start living in the real world. I don't know what to do about all this, he's great but I just can't get past it. I don't want to develop feelings if I know that he most likely won't change his circumstances without a giant "nudge", and I know that I can't change anyone, so I'm mega confused! Help!! Discuss...

OP -- All I see in that paragraph is Red Flags everywhere.

You have a control freak personality coming through in your words. You're clever enough to disguise them behind well placed other words, but it's pretty clear to me at least that there's control freak all over you.

The key indicator of that was when you mentioned "...and I know he could offer me these things if he'd get up and start living in the real world".

Really now? So you're clairvoyant now are you? You sound pretty certain that he can make offers of these things if only he'd be more like YOU you mean. Also the talk of a "nudge" sets off the alarms too. Who are YOU to determine that he needs a nudge anyways? And why does he have to change? Because YOU want him to?

Listen, HE has to want to make changes to his life. So he's 32 and living at home...so what? If you don't happen to like that, and apparently according to you "most other women" would agree, then why waste his time or yours? If you think it's uncool, then walk away. Staying and hoping/trying to change him just reeks of a power play. He is a man...not a project.

If being at home is that much of a hangup for you, then do both of you a favor and just walk away and not look back. Don't treat a man like a project that has to be worked on and "nudged" until you like what you see and what you have...find someone that's got "no assembly required" and you'll probably be happier. If you try to change him to suit YOUR needs, then both of you will resent it later on.

Count on it.

Just walk if his living arrangements aren't palatable to you. Staying and trying to "nudge" him just validates your control freak tendency.

JMO.
 Shamefullpride
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 8
He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/2/2009 11:12:20 AM
He would be just right if he would only...(add what ever here)......


This is what you get for having such preconceived notions about people and the way the chose to live.

His past and his living arrangements in fact have made him the guy you seem to like so much, and that is the "big" issue you have with him.

Take him the way he is or leave him the way he is! At this point you are hoping he makes the right decisions, and those "right" decisions are for you not for himself!
 ShabbiKid
Joined: 5/23/2008
Msg: 9
He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/2/2009 11:15:29 AM
Move on! Dayum! Don't think you can change him because it won't work.
 SweetSmartNSassy2
Joined: 7/17/2008
Msg: 10
He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/2/2009 11:17:23 AM
OP, darlin', wake up and smell the coffee! This guy has told you upfront he's scared of "real life." Move on and find a man who can handle the real world. This guy can't. I feel sorry for him. What does he do when mommy and daddy are no longer around?

If you think you can change him or help him, think again. You'd have to be pushing this guy toward everything for the rest of your life. You'll be the one handling all the household things, paying the bills, calling repair people, doing the taxes while Sonny Boy watches tv. I'd imagine a person would put up with that only if they were a total control freak and firmly clung to the idea of "no one can do anything better than I can."

From all you've said about yourself, you sound like a pretty take-charge, I can take care of myself woman. Don't sacrifice that on this guy.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 11
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He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/2/2009 11:25:58 AM
If you know that you can't change anyone, then don't try. Remain his internet friend until such time as he proves he suddenly found some ambition and desire to explore and live life on his own steam. It would be a mistake, likely, to get involved with him in person because you'd get wrapped up in the physical aspect (not necessarily sexual - people just relate different in person and it's even more exciting). Nothing the matter with being his own cheerleading team of one but I'd do it from the sidelines and not get involved with him while/if he goes through his life changes. If you don't like his lack of ambition now, think of how much you wouldn't like it and it would wear on you once the excitement wore off. You'd wind up being his surrogate mother.
 ubuntugirl
Joined: 5/28/2009
Msg: 12
He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/2/2009 11:28:06 AM
I agree with Jinx (are you bad luck, or good? LOL...jk)

Let's say you "nudge" him, and he changes his situation "for you".

What next? The way he dresses? The color of his socks or type of underwear?

My point is it seems that you want to change him for you, and once you do I get the feeling you'll keep nudging him to keep making changes until he doesn't even know who he is anymore.

I also agree with Rock Man. He is the sum of his experiences. Good or bad, they make him who he is. Why change what attracted you?
 pikachu123
Joined: 5/27/2009
Msg: 13
He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/2/2009 11:29:56 AM
my gawd, you people are so harsh, not everyone is ambitious, some people are happy with what they are and dont wont to change, what is wrong with that? why does he or anybody have to conform, leave him be.
 clasact
Joined: 1/18/2008
Msg: 14
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He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/2/2009 11:31:34 AM
After reading all of this story, twice, OP I'm confused as to what it is that you think would make him "good BF material" for you.

All I see here in this post of yours is how 'if only' this, 'if only' that.
What is so great about him (according to you) that you want to change
just about everything about him? That's all I see, YOU wanting to change him.
 humptyhump1984
Joined: 5/14/2009
Msg: 15
He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/2/2009 11:38:48 AM
I'm 24 years old and have always lived with my mom except when I moved out to live with a girlfriend for like 4 months.

I just bought my first house though...

Living at home for me wasn't the only option though. I didn't pay rent to my mother, she knew I was saving to buy a house. Some people just don't feel the need to get a place of their own until they are ready.

If someone lived with their parents their whole life and were 33 years old I would hope they had a lot of money saved up.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 16
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He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/2/2009 11:38:54 AM
Almost 33 years old, and he's never lived outside the homestead without at least one family member at his side?

Hardly encouraging. That just has to handicap an individual in so many ways. Ways I wouldn't even want to begin to nurture on top of a nascent relationship.

And you think he's never had a girlfriend, too? And you think you might want to counsel him through *that*?

Why do I have a feeling that Star Trek or Star Wars play a role here somewhere?

:)
 TxWheels
Joined: 12/17/2006
Msg: 17
He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/2/2009 11:48:39 AM
If I could live on my own I would but financially it's just not possible right now until I finish college. I did live alone for two years. I get grief all the time because I still live with my mom.
 bmore_goat
Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 18
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He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/2/2009 11:49:04 AM

my gawd, you people are so harsh, not everyone is ambitious, some people are happy with what they are and dont wont to change, what is wrong with that? why does he or anybody have to conform, leave him be.


If you read through most of the threads, you realise we are telling the OP to "leave him be" and not try to change him.
 queensgirl09
Joined: 5/10/2009
Msg: 19
He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/2/2009 12:26:01 PM
At least he's 32, I've dated and met someone who are 38 and admitted he still live with his mother, and some other men in their late 30's who still living with their parents. I don't think it's going to work for you. I didn't work for me. Guys like him are irresponsible and dependent with their parents. And they are looking for someone to take care of them like their parents does for him. You deserve someone who are responsible, independent, and know how stand in his own feet. Those men who are old enough to live by themselves and still choose to live at home and never tried or doesn't have any plans to live out from home or live by himself are parasites. They are looking for women who are successful, have their own place so they can move in with them, that's what I think. You're not going to be happy with this kind of man. They are not a good potential bf for a serious relationship or potential husband for marriage.
 Gemini!!
Joined: 5/22/2009
Msg: 20
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He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/2/2009 12:35:28 PM
I have to say I disagree with many of these postings. So he's never left home, he's never felt a reason to.
I have many male friends of around 30 who've never felt the need to leave yet, they are all laid back and enjoy their social life and perhaps don't feel the need to put themselves through the stress of running a household. One of them is about to move in with his girlfriend the others haven't met the right person yet but I am sure they will. Give it some time you never know you might be the right girl and I wouldn't let a social status hang up stop you. Besides if he has no bills to pay he might be able to treat you once in a while I say give it a chance or at least ask yourself whats the bigger regret?
 CMonster
Joined: 12/4/2004
Msg: 21
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He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/2/2009 12:46:02 PM
"...he just said it was easier to go home..."

Makes you wonder which other of life's challenges which he'd choose to just stick with options which were the easiest because someone else was the one taking the risk.
 Brian1342
Joined: 4/22/2009
Msg: 22
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He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/2/2009 1:14:52 PM
Picachu emphasises why younger men seeks older women - because they act more mature. Gemeni makes the point why age doesn't reflect maturity as she has shown very good maturiy.

I agree with both of them. I don't live at home as now it is more of a resting point on my life's journey, but I've known friends of friends who still live at home and have good careers. They help their folks out and vice versa.

I did see the downside of a gal living at home with her folks - the apron strings were really tight and eventually brought down our marriage. I've also seen the good side where a married couple live near or with their folks and not only do the kids turn out better for it, the married couple seems happier. Imagine a life where your baby sitter is in the next room.
 bmore_goat
Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 23
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He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/2/2009 1:36:07 PM

One of them is about to move in with his girlfriend......


Yeah, trading one mommy for another...
 FrozenAssets
Joined: 11/25/2007
Msg: 24
He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/2/2009 1:36:50 PM
So, if you can live with a man that is unmotivated and 'scare' of life then he is the man for you... However, if not, don't waste anymore of your valuable life on this person, sounds like he couldn't possibly be good BF material in the long run.

You can't save a person from themselves.

 misslofak
Joined: 7/3/2008
Msg: 25
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He is 32 and lives at home?
Posted: 6/2/2009 1:44:49 PM
Its impossible, in my opinion, to be in a relationship with a person who is not at the same place in life as you....ie, own place, career (not job), credit.... It may last for awhile, but eventually he could resent you for being more successful, or you, him for not ever growing up
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