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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Competing with a dead spouse.      Home login  
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 Zephyr2553
Joined: 12/28/2008
Msg: 1
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Competing with a dead spouse.Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Ok, how do you deal with someone who is on a dating website, but hasn't gotten over their dead spouse yet?

They constantly refer to them by name, they bring up things they used to do together. They refer to themselves as "we" instead of "I". All these things are red flags to me that the person just hasn't' gotten over their loss and aren't ready for another person in their life.

Who wants to play second fiddle to a ghost???!!

Besides, the dead spouse is always glorified because they are dead. Great artists aren't even recognized until they are dead. So would you stay in or attempt to form a relationship with someone who was married for 28 years to someone who died and you could never replace??
 peachez_03
Joined: 5/16/2009
Msg: 2
Competing with a dead spouse.
Posted: 6/2/2009 10:31:25 PM
I would say give it a chance, but the whole "we" instead of "I" thing is a little creepy. I would question this dude's sanity for one, but if he checks out then I'd stick by him. If he still cares for his ex, who is no threat because shes's dead, then it shows the potential he has to care about you.
 telemonster
Joined: 5/25/2009
Msg: 3
Competing with a dead spouse.
Posted: 6/2/2009 10:37:38 PM
Not all men who are widows are like that.
each is different and the one's I have chatted with not once used "I" or "We"
and to be honest I dont see anything wrong with it.
If a man talks about his late wife it means they were very close and would not even be on a site if their wife had not passed away .
but this is just my opinion and everyone reacts differently to it.

I have been chatting with a widowed man for a couple of months and he only mentioned his late wife once, but I asked first if it was okay to talk about her
and he said no , so the subject has never came up again.

happy to all
 mortalez
Joined: 4/9/2005
Msg: 4
Competing with a dead spouse.
Posted: 6/2/2009 10:42:43 PM
I would preferr a widow to a divorc'e if given the choice.
true its a bit much competing with a ghost, and if they were happely married it could be even worse, but that being said, there ex is not coming back so its not really competition now is it.
 REDDRAGON.
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 5
Competing with a dead spouse.
Posted: 6/2/2009 10:50:43 PM

Ok, how do you deal with someone who is on a dating website, but hasn't gotten over their dead spouse yet?


dead spouse?? is there such thing.

if you are referring to some one who has lost a loved one then that's very simple basic psychology 101.

in fact it's a no brainer.
 humptyhump1984
Joined: 5/14/2009
Msg: 6
Competing with a dead spouse.
Posted: 6/2/2009 10:56:09 PM
I wouldn't put up with stuff like that.

You're right though, nobody should play second fiddle to a ghost.

If you're not over someone alive or dead, don't be on a dating site.
 Landra
Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 7
Competing with a dead spouse.
Posted: 6/2/2009 11:30:31 PM
Sounds like the person is still grieving and isn't ready for a new relationship.
I'd tell them the truth about why you don't want to see them anymore (or meet them) and wish them well.
 Zephyr2553
Joined: 12/28/2008
Msg: 8
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Competing with a dead spouse.
Posted: 6/3/2009 12:32:16 AM
Well, it makes you come off as insensitive. I think the difference is, I've been married 4 times, once widowed. This person has been married only once and for 28 years. Their loved one was ill and died slowly.

Yeah, even though it shows this man is capable of deep and devoted love, every time we would make love, I would wonder if he was thinking about "her" and if he was in a bad mood, I would wonder if he was grieving over "her".

I lost someone I loved quite suddenly, but I'm over it and ready to move on. That isn't disrespectful, it's reality.

Would you be satisfied to just fill in the gap for the guy's SM?? Sorry, but I want to be the only and the best. If I can't have that, then I don't want it at all.
 Niflheim
Joined: 10/30/2008
Msg: 9
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Competing with a dead spouse.
Posted: 6/3/2009 12:39:49 AM
" Who wants to play second fiddle to a ghost???!!....Besides, the dead spouse is always glorified because they are dead."

Having read your posts in the past and having chatted with you via private message, I'm surprised by these musings Zepher 2553. Frankly, I don't think you can compare the deceased with an ex. I also think you never really get over death while you can get over a divorce. While time mitigates the pain, death always casts a shadow over life that lasts hereafter; indeed, death is a part of life whether we want to accept that or not. The reason why the deceased spouse is exalted is twofold: there is no prospect of reconcilliation; death, unless in the case of murder, isn't permeated with animus that so often characterizes divorce. Remember, too, that with the exception of suicide, we aren't free to die, but we are at liberty to terminate a marriage.

Is this fair to you? Of course not, but I think Peachez 03 raises a good point. Conversely, I also concur with Mortalez on grounds that from personal experience, I eventually discovered why a divorcee was divorced, and it wasn't pretty.

Don't give up in frustration, give him some time.
 thesilverdevil97
Joined: 8/8/2008
Msg: 10
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Competing with a dead spouse.
Posted: 6/3/2009 12:45:35 AM
I would not put up with that. In fact it is one of my rules not to date widowers.
 pazoozoo
Joined: 8/28/2006
Msg: 11
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Competing with a dead spouse.
Posted: 6/3/2009 12:47:53 AM
IMO, it would be more than a little strange if a person had been happily married for 28 yrs. and not refer to their deceased spouse. Those are the only memories and experiences he has. When he has made new memories and has new experiences with another person, references to his past life will become less frequent.
 mortalez
Joined: 4/9/2005
Msg: 12
Competing with a dead spouse.
Posted: 6/3/2009 2:00:47 AM

IMO, it would be more than a little strange if a person had been happily married for 28 yrs. and not refer to their deceased spouse. Those are the only memories and experiences he has. When he has made new memories and has new experiences with another person, references to his past life will become less frequent.


Well said.
 citizen_joe
Joined: 5/21/2009
Msg: 13
Competing with a dead spouse.
Posted: 6/3/2009 4:36:42 AM
It could be worse. I'd chose a widow over someone with exes that were dingle berries.
 bklynrebel
Joined: 11/30/2008
Msg: 14
Competing with a dead spouse.
Posted: 6/3/2009 5:00:04 AM
How long has his wife been deceased? Perhaps he's still grieving and is not ready yet for a new relationship. It's up to you whether you want to stick with him while he's going through this.
 islandfires
Joined: 5/21/2009
Msg: 15
Competing with a dead spouse.
Posted: 6/3/2009 5:03:07 AM
He isn't over it. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who is not mentally physically and emotionally ready to be in one?
 Phan59
Joined: 5/26/2009
Msg: 16
Competing with a dead spouse.
Posted: 6/3/2009 5:06:28 AM
Dear Zephyr.
One word you mentioned...CONSTANTLY. Why would you even ask if this is okay? It is NOT okay. You're an attractive lady and you want to meet someone to have a relationship with YOU!
IMO, he's creepy, and is very insensitive to YOUR feelings. Maybe he just wants someone to listen? Refer him to a therapist!
No, I wouldn't play second fiddle, in fact, I wouldn't play at all! Pitch this self absorbed ghoul back in the playpen!
I met a guy once...
same issue, oh she was so terrific, his dead fiance'. Could hardly get to know him he was so 'obsessed' w/the deceased. Turns out, she had committed suicide and took her young child with her! I woulda described her as incredibly selfish, along with the fact she IS, even in death, a MURDERER.
We're adults and all of us with a past of some sort. This man is very inconsiderate to treat you this way. DUMP HIM!
opinions....
 psssst
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 17
Competing with a dead spouse.
Posted: 6/3/2009 5:11:38 AM
I think you're being unfair to the other person by expecting them to bury their memories with their spouse. Especially since they are obviously fond memories.


So would you stay in or attempt to form a relationship with someone who was married for 28 years to someone who died and you could never replace??
Why would someone try to replace another to begin with? I personally wouldn't want someone that wanted to step in and replace my late s/o. He holds a place in my heart that isn't going to be moved aside by another person.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 18
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Competing with a dead spouse.
Posted: 6/3/2009 5:43:20 AM
If someone was married for 28 years I would recognize that they have habits that are hard to break and unlike a divorced person who recognizes that they are damaged goods and shouldn't refer to their ex, a widow or a widower may not have these new habits developed yet.

They were married 28 years, you haven't said how long the woman has been gone. If it were me, I would tell the guy, hey I think your great but I feel like I am dating you and your late wife. He may have no clue he does this, so you can either bolt, or see if he adjusts his behavior. Some people love so much they never have room for anyone else.


IMO, he's creepy, and is very insensitive to YOUR feelings.
Cannot believe that came from someone who is 50, you haven't had anyone you know lose a spouse? Even when the spouse is an ass, there is a grieving period and a process and when it was actually a good marriage? Pfft
 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 19
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Competing with a dead spouse.
Posted: 6/3/2009 5:53:49 AM
I think he's not through the grieving yet...I won't say he needs to "get over it"...you don't - you get through it. It doesn't matter if she's been gone a week or 10 years. The time frame is very different for everyone. I think he wants to find a new relationship, to find happiness with someone else, in order to get rid of the pain of his loss. That doesn't work.

As for saying "we"...it actually gave me pause. I remember standing outside the room where my dead fiancee's body was. The nurse was asking if there was someone she could call to come and get me. I distinctly remember saying - "no, we are all alone out here...I mean, I'm all alone"...acceptance in that sentence, and pain you wouldn't believe. But there it is. Sure I've said "we" since then...but as time has gone by and the force of habit of being part of a "we" has worn off, it's been less and less. I've been to Vegas - if you ask for more details, Mike and I went, WE had a blast. I love Vegas (not we)....28 years with someone, and a lot of the experiences he had included her. So that can be a sort of hazy issue.

I don't think talking to him will help at all. He's just not ready - no matter how much he says he is. If you've been through this yourself, you probably already know that.
 rune3
Joined: 7/13/2006
Msg: 20
Competing with a dead spouse.
Posted: 6/3/2009 6:04:48 AM

Who wants to play second fiddle to a ghost???!!
Who'd want to be with someone who was capable of being jealous of someone who is 6ft under?

It's natural to say "we", rather than "I" if you are referring to a shared experience. If you went to France with an ex, your kid or your parents, wouldn't you be saying "we went there, we did this, we saw...."? It would seem weird to me if you didn't -- but I don't claim to be normal and maybe it's not weird at all for people to talk about a shared experience as if they had been alone.

Dead people are NOT always glorified.

Given that the truly desperate tend to joke that they will date anyone with a pulse, I'd say that being dead was the ultimate disadvantage in the relationships stakes. Rightly so!

Significant losses shouldn't be "gotten over" anyway. I would consider it a positive character indicator if someone who had lost their partner to death continued to hold them in their heart: I think they should.... That doesn't mean there isn't room for anyone else or that they somehow have less love to offer.

I think you need to ask yourself what you are REALLY worried about. I don't think it's the dead spouse or the person's feelings about them. I think you need to stop and think about what it really is: because it's about you, not them.
 lonesomerick
Joined: 1/23/2008
Msg: 21
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Competing with a dead spouse.
Posted: 6/3/2009 7:09:34 AM
What's there to compete with? Memories. Would'nt you think it odd or even cold if he could simply cleanse his mind of 28 years with someone? Wouldn't have been much of a marriage.

I will say this, if he dwells on it and that's all he can talk about, well, he's not healed enough to be in a new relationship. I hardly ever mention my wife to someone new, unless they have questions. And inevitably they do. I can tell you one thing, it's awefully hard to say "I" instead of "we" sometimes, but that's just human nature.

If the 28 years was a happy and healthy marriage I'd say that's a pretty damn good track record.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 22
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Competing with a dead spouse.
Posted: 6/3/2009 7:30:30 AM
Likely anything he talks about that happened in his life over those 28 years will be a "we" memory rather than an "I" memory. So I don't think by itself it is an indicator he is stuck in the past... you'd have to look at other things to see that.

The competing thing would seem to me to be in your own mind. Have you discussed this with him?
 lostintheshuffle
Joined: 5/8/2008
Msg: 23
Competing with a dead spouse.
Posted: 6/3/2009 7:32:29 AM
Lots of people hold memories as "better than they really were." Don't persue the person.
 farceur
Joined: 5/3/2009
Msg: 24
Competing with a dead spouse.
Posted: 6/3/2009 7:50:08 AM
It sounds like an easy win. I know I could run faster, jump higher, etc.

In time, if given the time needed, a transition will occur, and whether that time is spent alone or with someone new, it takes time. I would expect that whatever new couple type things were done, each would be a step, from old to new, and some steps would be hurdles and others taken two at a time. I never had a dead spouse but I am haunted by memories just the same. Being with someone new would evoke memories that could not be evoked until I was with someone new, and comparisons would be made, and so it would take a while for the new experiences to become the newer memories, replacing at the top of the list of memories as the ones to come to mind. One of the jobs a new person has is to become foremost in mind, which takes replacing the old person, and happens a bit each day.

When the old person has been kept alive, so to speak, their memories enjoyed as daily companions, even new love can be intrusive while being welcome. This is just another thing to talk about, or to be respectful of its necessary silences. Give it due time and if it takes too long, that's a problem; an understandable problem worthy of a compassionate and patient solution.

It's a used car lot, folks. Nobody here is brand new.
 karma1160
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 25
Competing with a dead spouse.
Posted: 6/3/2009 7:55:06 AM
Its a matter of timing and some people take longer to move on. Its a question of when usually not a guestion of if.
We all have different people in our lives that we love for different reasons . If someone spent 28 years with another person than they experienced life as a we and that is how they relate to experiences it does not mean they are constantly thinking of this person.
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