| Moral Dilemma
Posted: 6/4/2009 9:23:52 AM | Lately I've read a few books about miserable childhoods and triumphs over adversity. When I was in the bookshop the other day I noticed that they have a section called "Traumatic Childhoods" and realised that a good sob story about a miserable childhood with a feel good "it all turned out happy" ending has quite a significant amount of appeal.
I wondered, if you were to write a book about your childhood/life and it involved stories that involved other people (friends, parents, siblings, children, teachers etc) which they may be none too proud of or which they may not want to be reminded of, yet they were integral to your story and were by default part of YOUR life that you needed to include, what would you do?
Would you miss them out and lose something from your story as a result? Would you discuss with the people concerned before you did it if possible and seek their blessing? Would you just do it as it's all part of your life too and therefore you have a right to commit your memories to your work?
What if a particular tale involved a memory that another person involved couldn't even recall because to them it was an insignificant event yet to you it stuck and had a profound effect on you?
For instance, take a book like Angela's Ashes, I wonder how Frank's siblings felt about Frank's depicton of their mother and father and how his father's family felt about the depiction of him as a good for nothing, useless drunk?
What would you do if you had a story and you wanted to tell it? It's difficult to use a pen name and remain anonymous these days as promotional work will assist in you having a best seller that will make you any kind of return on your investment of time and emotion. Even if you changed names of people, it wouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who they were if they knew the absolute identity of the author.
Do we all have 100% ownership and 100% right to our own memories and thereby a right to do with them what we will, or is that ownership and memory sometimes part owned by other people? | |
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| Moral Dilemma
Posted: 6/4/2009 9:33:17 AM | My judgements would be formed by how well i knew that person and if im honest how concerned i'd be about upsetting them ....It could prove difficult if an integral part of the story your trying to tell means upsetting someone your close to ...
Before i published or allowed my writings to fall into strangers hands I would consult my nearest and dearest for opinions and to discuss any points that may offend... | |
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Travan
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Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 3 | |
| Moral Dilemma
Posted: 6/4/2009 9:54:44 AM | Wow excellent post!
Crikey ... off the topof my head I'd be tempted to say publish and be damned!!
However it's not that simple. Someone hurt you, you hurt them back. Do 2 wrongs make a right?
Anyway as I used to say to my sister: "Your problems were caused by Mum back then, but that was 30 years ago. Can you honestly say she is the problem? Or is it you that won't let go or deal with them?"
I believe firmly that I have 100% ownership to my memories, and a right to them too, and no-one else has a right to them. However they do have a right to their own, the 'other side of the story' if you like. I also have a responsibility as we all do to all others whose lives we can affect. Just cos they did not face that responsibility doesn't mean to say I can abrogate mine also.
Would I write the book? Maybe after the players in it were dead. But probably not as it's old history now. | |
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| Moral Dilemma
Posted: 6/4/2009 10:07:42 AM | I'm in a book about someone's childhood. Thankfully, his book is the antithesis of the childhood trauma books and is about growing up normal in the 70s. Of course, since his parents are both still happily together and neither he nor his siblings have suffered any trauma and are all grown and happily married, one could argue that it's not that normal these days.
Even so, when the book was being written those who had a significant mention were given the option to vet his memoirs, in case they didn't agree with his version of events .
While I agree that we all own our all memories, we should also accept that our version of events is not the only version. No-one experiences the world in exactly the same way as another, even when they are experiencing the same events. Maybe a right to reply is the only fair way to present these more traumatic memoirs? | |
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| Moral Dilemma
Posted: 6/4/2009 10:11:22 AM | Jordan has shown th t you dont write one life story you write several.
Subsequent life stories include the actual truths and details you missed out the first time round.
So you dont have to worry until you get to your 2nd or 3rd book deal. | |
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| Moral Dilemma
Posted: 6/4/2009 10:23:42 AM | | My parents are no longer alive so me writing about my childhood would not affect them but i wouldn,t do it as i never told my children about growing up with domestic violence.I saw and had to deal with things no child should have to see or deal with but i have never considered i needed to be pitied for it or that i was hard done by.To me it was just how it was when i was a child and i dont need to remember those times by writing them down in words or reliving them or making money from the story i could tell.Yes we own our own memories and can do with them what we will but the so doing would have a knock on affect on other people so safest to be left as just memories and locked in the past where they belong. | |
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| Moral Dilemma
Posted: 6/4/2009 10:37:07 AM | Some good points.
Funky had a good point.
Urban - I see your point but must say that some of the books I've read have been truly inspirational. I can't really relate to them (well bits of some I can) but they have had opened my mind and given rise to some amazing revelations in me which are changing and shaping my life now. Sometimes sharing a story isn't about looking for pity it's about wanting to inspire people and wanting to illustrate a point. Some people don't want to do that others do.
Hula - I've read some books that are not about particularly traumatic upbringings but paint a social picture of a particular time in history and I've found them just as inspiring and just as good a read as those with a sad tale to tell. The level of 'trauma' experienced also depends heavily on who is reading the book.
Stories of being brought up in 1960's working class Liverpool (purely as a hypothetical example) would make some of us laugh as we remembered similar escapades, yet those who were more priviledged might be shocked and horrified by the thought of the kids having to sleep 4 to a bed and sharing the sunday bath water with 9 other family members till the poor bugger who got in last was dirtier by the time he got out than he was when he got in. | |
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| Moral Dilemma
Posted: 6/4/2009 10:38:37 AM | | I guess you just need to change your name (a different pen name) and those of the characters, then the stories will only be recognisable to those involved. | |
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| Moral Dilemma
Posted: 6/4/2009 11:41:58 AM | ^^^^^^^ would they still be bothered though even if only they knew who the story related to? Like I said in my post earlier, if you as the author ended up on Richard and Judy or sitting signing in the local WH Smiths your anonymity would be blown and so therefore would the anonymity of those refered to.
If you could guarantee that your identity was not and never would be public knowledge then you are OK I guess, as long as you don't tell anyone you've written it which would be hard to do.
Do we exercise the same reservations when we talk about our lives with strangers or with new people we meet? Or do we tell stories about our lives which involve people who the person we're talking to may one day meet without considering what impression we're giving of them? Do we think about the implications of telling other people personal stories only to have them used against us should we 'fall out' with that person? | |
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| Moral Dilemma
Posted: 6/4/2009 11:56:30 AM | If i ever was to write a book i would want to tell all of the story and not miss things out for fear of upsetting people.
If they were important to me then i would sit them down and tell them what i was planning to do.
If they didnt like it i guess we could talk about name changes ect,but would still go ahead with it. | |
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| Moral Dilemma
Posted: 6/4/2009 12:08:49 PM | I love a good moral dilemma. My first thought was of the book 'Mommy Dearest' - and how horribly Christina Crawford depicted Joan. Which made me think about Modonna and how she's adopted those African village children. My friends and I have joked about those kids 'hitting the lottery'. I wonder if they will grow up grateful for the opportunity or bitter and angry - like Christina did? I wonder if she ever gave any thought to what her life could have been if she hadn't been adopted? I digress...
I think we own our memories - but have to understand that we only know one side of the story. There is an old expression: There are three sides to every story; yours, mine, and the truth. To publish one's memoirs as nonfiction, would imply your side is the truth. . . I suppose I would try to get feedback from those involved, perhaps to better understand and relate 'their' story as well. Or opt to publish as 'fiction'. To protect the innocent, and not so innocent. | |
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| Moral Dilemma
Posted: 6/4/2009 12:14:17 PM | I personally would publish and name as it would be your own interpretation of your life through your own eyes and not through the eyes of another.
I would treat it pretty much like a private diary with loved ones and warn them if you want to peek you may not like what you read ..........that way they have the choice. | |
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~im40~
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Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 13 | |
| Moral Dilemma
Posted: 6/4/2009 12:43:11 PM | I have actually had a similar dilema, and decided not to persue it.
I have written a book about my grief after losing my baby. Its in journal form, and I started to do it to help me get my thoughts and feelings out on paper, and then I shared some of it with family, and friends and they all said I should get it published as it would be a real help to others who were maybe going through something similar.
There are lots of things that happened, which involved members of my family, and my interpretation through my eyes, I`m sure is different to them, and I know if they read all of it, it would cause real upset. There are things I couldn`t miss out, and I couldn`t do that to them, some things are best left unsaid. | |
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| Moral Dilemma
Posted: 6/4/2009 2:26:36 PM | Well this is all assuming you could get the damn thing published in the first place, Increasingly difficult to do, and now that Richard & Judy have gone, what do budding writers do now? Ah Blogs!
I have a novel unpublished, 2 actually, one is pure fiction, but the personal one, like im40 stated was a very cathartic experience, and helped me to make some major decisions in my life. Would I publish it if I could, yes, but then again while personal and fact based, it's still fiction, and meant to be a "social picture". And if anyone reflected in the book objects to my version, they can write there own book.
Do we exercise the same reservations when we talk about our lives with strangers or with new people we meet? Or do we tell stories about our lives which involve people who the person we're talking to may one day meet without considering what impression we're giving of them? Do we think about the implications of telling other people personal stories only to have them used against us should we 'fall out' with that person?
Isn't this how we share, bond, and gain trust in people? Sometimes it backfires, and that's part of the learning process, but give me open to repressed any day.
Excellent thread.  | |
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| Moral Dilemma
Posted: 6/4/2009 2:54:03 PM | For a start - know one knows your memories except you, maybe not even you, so know one else can write about them, unles your stupid enough to tell them what happened, or your story.
You have a right to tell your own story, but so do other people have a right to write about you too. Such as biographys , fiction based around you, etc. You are part of socity and a very small part, so each person has an eqaul right to tell their side of the story.
You can publish on the internet , and self publish under psydenuom.
You can create alternate characters that represent the people concerned , who are similar enough to tell the story, and have the protagonist represent you.
Not many books get on the bookshelves, you do not really hav anything to worry about there. You are more likey to win the lottery.
Telling the story, and being true to yourself is what you would be doing.
Its supposed to be very theraputic, and happen very easily without really trying.Its well worth doing, even if you never publish it. | |
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| Moral Dilemma
Posted: 6/4/2009 6:13:49 PM | A friend wrote a book based around some of my antics as a core theme.
Wasnt published though and it was presented as fiction. She was worried about her career lol as well as being sensitive to protect us her friends.
I think real life stories are fascinating and very cathartic, educational etc. | |
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Joe1uk
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Joined: 4/21/2009
Msg: 17 | |
| Moral Dilemma
Posted: 6/4/2009 7:24:53 PM | | If I wrote a book about my life it would be unbelievable. I said I'd do it, before the memories fade. Yes it would make interesting reading but I cant name names unfortunately, not if i stick to what happened, anyway I quite fancy turning it into a fantasy fiction thriller comedy thing a bit like rocky horror. I think it may still be a bit much for some tastes though lol. Would be funny though. | |
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| Moral Dilemma
Posted: 6/6/2009 11:42:39 AM |
I have written a book about my grief after losing my baby. Its in journal form, and I started to do it to help me get my thoughts and feelings out on paper, and then I shared some of it with family, and friends and they all said I should get it published as it would be a real help to others who were maybe going through something similar.
There are lots of things that happened, which involved members of my family, and my interpretation through my eyes, I`m sure is different to them, and I know if they read all of it, it would cause real upset. There are things I couldn`t miss out, and I couldn`t do that to them, some things are best left unsaid.
I also wrote, in journal form, all then events leading up to my divorce. For 18 months I wrote about daily events, mainly involving my ex but also everything that was happening in the family etc. I would love to actually write a book on my life, it isn't that exciting/thrilling and I probably wouldn't even think about getting it published but just to read for my personal reasons, in my old age. But then, I have done a few things that nobody in my family knows about, (things that I ain't proud of) so I think if anything happened to me prematurely, I would hate for them to actually read it and know the real me, so I think those things are best left buried in the back of my mind etc! | |
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| Moral Dilemma
Posted: 6/6/2009 11:44:07 AM | Someone once told me that writing about your life puts into perspective and helps with recovery from bad experiences.
I tried it, but got so depressed I had to give it up after 2 pages  | |
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| Moral Dilemma
Posted: 6/6/2009 2:51:16 PM | If you want to write, just write, wherever you are, and see what come out.
Thats what I did, and I ended up writing 60 000 words, all fiction. I wrote all dayabout 1 - 1500 words each day, then re wrote the whole thing. Then I edited it a few months later as it just seemed full of descriptive paragraphs, so i deleted all that.
The story was fiction, but with your first book or story, it seems that its almost impossible not to be at least semi-auto bio.
It was very cathartic, and enlightening - funny enough none of my family wanted to read past the first short paragraph, the subjects were a bit to familiar,all I got was 'strange' and ' why are they saying that?' .
Ive carried on writing short stories, and parts of your own character and people around you, and things that happen that week all creep in. | |
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| Moral Dilemma
Posted: 6/9/2009 5:32:29 AM | Writing a book using your own personal experiences as a basis for a fictional story is fine ... actually writing my own autobiography for public consumption is not. Some things are just meant to be kept personal and I can choose who to share these things with when its right.
However, my sister has already had her story published in a magazine (it concerned our childhood so of course I was mentioned, including photographs). I got a phone call from a friend telling me to go buy it, I was horrified quite honestly. I'm a private person and it was plastered all over a magazine. I didn't speak to her for months after that.
She phoned me last night .... now she wants to write a book on the whole thing. I told her if that's what she wanted to do, then go ahead and do it but she picked up on my tone and asked if I was annoyed with her .. I wouldn't say annoyed as disappointed. But it's her story too so who am I to say she can't do it. She doesn't need my permission but I will want to read it before it gets to any publication stage. | |
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| Moral Dilemma
Posted: 6/9/2009 7:40:31 AM | Would you select colour film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?
I’d go with colour, on the off chance that you find his body several days later and can compare his pallor, how his skin had sagged and if there was signs of any maggots.
My (step) nephew committed suicide several years ago. One of his friends wrote a book a couple of years later about growing up in a middle class area, turning to drugs before finally nearly killing himself and changing his life around. My nephew was mentioned on several occasions in the book, which was fair enough, but he mentioned my sister in law whom he didn’t know very well and could only go on hearsay. My sister in law acted at all times in the best interest of her son but was depicted as some hard nosed cow who was more interested in her house and her reputation. His ‘memories’ were a lie. | |
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| Moral Dilemma
Posted: 6/9/2009 9:35:03 AM | His ‘memories’ were a lie.
This is my biggest concern, when the article about our family appeared in the magazine there were some pretty big errors in the story. Now I know my sister would not have got those facts wrong so it makes me think the magazine added certain embellishments. Now would a publication house do the same? or encourage a person to make it a bit more dramatic than it was? | |
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| Moral Dilemma
Posted: 6/9/2009 10:43:23 AM | ^^^^^^^^ I imagine there may well be the potential for a bit of that.
It's just life really though, take a group of people who all experienced the same event however insignificant and they'll all have different takes on it. They even made that into a film, Vantage Point deals with the perceptions of others of a given situation and shows how easy it is for people to make a judgement on something they see without seeing what is really going on at all.
I guess there could be a disclaimer for any offence caused due to perceptions or dusty powers of recall but doubt that would be acceptable.
I think I'd steer clear I reckon it would be a mine field. Of course if you want to do it for your children or as something to leave behind after you've gone that won't be published, then that's a different matter. | |
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