| why would he do this?
Posted: 6/5/2009 2:20:57 AM | browsing on Yahoo & saw a new pic of my ex b/f which I thought was really nice. He broke it off a little over a yr ago. We were very good together.
HE contacted ME, & we texted/emailed back & forth for about a week. Was hesitant in meeting again; did not want a relationship, but no g/f at present. We met about a wk or so ago.... and.. nothing since. Am still on messenger but he continues to be offline to me. Why would he initiate contact again if he doesnt really want to be with me? Kind of confusing. Any thoughts? I sure as hell am not chasing him! | |
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| why would he do this?
Posted: 6/5/2009 2:46:48 AM | A lot of people second guess themselves after exiting a relationship. Given the opportunity to find out if they can revive any of the old spark, they will do so with a minimum of effort. I think most of the time, whatever caused the problems that was sufficient to end the relationship the first time, is still there the second time.
Don't stumble over what's behind you OP. It appears he was just "checking" rather than wanting to be with you again. He might be lonely or bored so he checks out his exes but that's hardly the grounds for a new start to a relationship that didn't pan out the first time.
You have a choice in whether or not you are going to allow him to yo-yo in and out of your life. I'd say you should give that some exercise. | |
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| why would he do this?
Posted: 6/5/2009 2:50:47 AM | Well it could be that he thought he would see if there was any connection left for him.
Usually there are reasons why something didn't work out in the beginning and if not resolved usually stay a sore spot.
Maybe he was lonely and needs to decide if he really wants to jump into a relationship again. | |
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| why would he do this?
Posted: 6/5/2009 6:46:24 AM | It's called a breakup cause it's broken (a good book, by the way).
I have an ex (four years ago) who still calls me. Showed up at my mom's funeral, sans wife, and schmoozed with my family. Called me just a few weeks ago, matter of fact, with some vague, ancient-history "reason" to call for something that happened over 10 years ago. On the down low, I think - I'm sure he doesn't want his wife to know he called me. Again.
Why does he do this? I don't have a clue. I appreciate any IMPORTANT news he gives me about friends from that area (I left that state three years ago.) It was touching that he showed up at my mom's funeral, but the reality is she didn't like him anyway. Why didn't he bring his wife? Who knows. I'd like to think he isn't happy, and is just trying to figure out if I am, but that's just magical thinking. He tells my sisters that he's "so glad that we are still friends." Huh.
Whatever. OP, live your own life, and try not to worry or wonder about what he's up to. It's just a time waster. There's a great saying: "it's hard to tell, not knowing." Just one of those great mysteries of life. At 46, I've found out it can be 20 years (or more) before certain questions are answered. The answer will appear, one day. Nothing you do can speed it up. In the meantime, enjoy your life, concentrate on doing your own thing, remember him fondly, and let it go.
The most important things is this: whatever he does, or doesn't do, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with you. It is so important to know this and believe this.
And ask yourself this: do you REALLY want a relationship with a guy who broke up with you, then reconnected with you, then chatted with you, and then disappeared with no explanation? Do you really want a relationship with someone who brings you sorrow, pain and confusion?
I think not. Let him go. Let it all go. | |
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| why would he do this?
Posted: 6/5/2009 6:52:48 AM | | Men do this from time to time. I have done it more times than I can count. We are either feeling a little lonely, need a change or a fond memory of a particular woman pops into our head. We call her to see how she is and chat a while. Sometimes we go out with her again. Sometimes we drop it as it brings back why we are no longer together. Let it go. | |
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| why would he do this?
Posted: 6/5/2009 7:04:09 AM |
Men do this from time to time.
This type of behavior Gaddflye illustrates so clearly is also a clear indication of a person who has intimacy issues.
Which just proves the point: OP, you are better off without him. | |
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| why would he do this?
Posted: 6/5/2009 7:17:42 AM | I did this about 9 mos. ago, my intentions were good - what we had was good...until it was BAD, of course. It only took a little of seeing the kid-fixer in her (her dysfunctional kids, in her eyes...could do no wrong) & one round of ho-hum sex to remember why I headed for the hills in the 1st place!  | |
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| why would he do this?
Posted: 6/5/2009 7:45:40 AM | | I have had exes do this since I started dating. I would like to think it is because they have fond memories of me. I am always clear about us being nothing more than friends, as I have no intention of being a booty call for exes when they are feeling down and lonely. I look forwards, not backwards when it come to relationships. | |
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| why would he do this?
Posted: 6/5/2009 9:27:46 AM | Cause he might just be confused. Some guys like a lifeline open (as do some gals) in case the current or potential relationship does not work out. Perhaps he really does care but is afraid of going to deep. Could be lots of things. Best advice is just keep moving and if he wants to play the friend card thats just ok if its ok with you. if not let it go. as a rule of thumb once somebody becomes an "ex" there is not a whole lot of hope of patching things up nor much sense to try.  | |
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| why would he do this?
Posted: 6/5/2009 10:04:37 AM | | Op I think sometimes people like your X keeps in contact with you "Like An Ace In The Hole" Meaning it gives him comfort or maybe even thinking he has leverage in the fact that if he wanted he could have you again anytime he wanted. And maybe he thinks since he contacted you that you might chase him. | |
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| why would he do this?
Posted: 6/5/2009 10:25:22 AM | My second X called me on Valentine's Day to tell me that the worst mistake he'd ever made in his life was leaving me. This was 8 years after the affair, and 5 years after the divorce. Was kinda nice to hear from a man who'd made it a Life Rule never to feel regret. I didn't ask if he was happy. . . . But no, I didn't imagine he wanted to get back together. . . . because he didn't.
OPie, you need to let this go, and get on with your life. Simple, but very hard. If you don't do it now, you'll be doing it 20 years from now. Done that, too, lol!
Good luck!
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| why would he do this?
Posted: 6/5/2009 11:10:33 AM | this type of scenario has happened to me so many times that ... when I'm in a "breaking up" situation ... I sort of think ... "yeah well, see you later!" sure enuf ... after a week, a month, a year ... here he comes back, remembering the good times and conveniently forgetting the garbage times!
there used to be a song about ... "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" ... about someone re-discovering the love she had for a previous lover ... whenever I hear that song, I think ... "sweetie, give it a few more months and it will ALL come back to you!" meaning, sure his lips taste sweet now ... but if you put up with him for a few more months, the reason you broke up initially will all come back to you, too!
when a person is distant from a past loved one ... looking back ... the memories blur ... they look softer and nicer ... sweeter ... there were some truly great times together ... you shared things you'd never told another person ... and you think ... "why not try again?" it's so difficult to remember past relationships clearly ...
 ...  | |
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| why would he do this?
Posted: 6/5/2009 11:55:54 AM |
Any thoughts? I sure as hell am not chasing him!
Actually, with this query, you are in fact, "chasing" him... why? Just a couple of observations...
In the "all or nothing" man/woman arena, most people usually end up w/nada. Were you EVER 'friends' w/this person? I've friends who are 'former' lovers, whom I choose not to demean nor dehumanize by referring to them as the third to last letter in the alphabet.
It's Jill, Mary, Donna, etc. I have and show respect for the intentional friendship that was the foundation of anything we shared regardless of whether their current life circumstances and choices preclude us from sustaining that friendship, THEIR choice.
From what you've shared, I'd say 'leave it be'. Why invest so much energy in understanding something you will never get clarity nor closure on? If you have the 'average' experience of a woman posting to a site such as this, you've got TONS of interested men filling your inbox, weekly...
Start anew, fresh, and leave the alphabetical references to those walking wounded who are not engaged in a process of self questioning, self discovery, nor self honesty.
Happy hunting Joanne. :) | |
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| why would he do this?
Posted: 6/5/2009 7:47:20 PM | Browsing Yahoo dating? or Yahoo what?
Either way.. you have all the facts in your email...
He "was hesitant about meeting, doesn't want a relationship.. and has not gf.
Let see..
Did you ask him if he had a gf or did he offer..?
HE WANTED A BOOTY CALL.
and sounds like the gf.. got back from her business trip or he realised what it was that he broke up with you for.
He told you... why don't you believe it.
Let that one stay where it is, honey.. he's not into you...
C | |
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| why would he do this?
Posted: 6/12/2009 8:06:53 PM | Here's a little piece of advice. A little quote I live by:
"A breakup is like a broken mirror, better to leave it broken than to hurt yourself trying to fix it". | |
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| why would he do this?
Posted: 6/12/2009 8:57:15 PM | | A better question, after a year, might be to ask what your expectations were and why you'd do that, eh? (Not really Canadian but, spent a lot of time there and the "eh's" slip out now and again) | |
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| why would he do this?
Posted: 6/12/2009 9:42:19 PM | OP...Joanne...
I think you can tell from a lot of the posts that many women have been in the very same position you have been in with this fellow. I can sure say I have. I worked with a great gal and she said..."Men resurface". And by golly...they do!!! I've had quite a few resurfacers in my life.
I am also coming to really believe in this date and mate business we are all involved with, that...it's really not so much what someone else does or doesn't do that is so very important. I'm really beginning to feel that what's important is how I feel about what happens and what goes on.
I think we can all make our selves crazy and short out some circuits, trying to figure out what he or she meant when he or she did this or that or said this or that. You may NEVER know what it meant. But, you can figure out what it means to you at this moment and then decide what YOU want to do about it.
If it were me, I'd just forget about him and continue fishing. Lots of fishies in the pond. The craziness and complication of the situation would just make me say, "This is not fun. It doesn't suit me and I'm not happy with it. It's very over."
Hope you get a sense of peace and clarity about it and find the perfect guy for you!!!
Kind regards...
...Barbi | |
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| why would he do this?
Posted: 6/12/2009 9:50:51 PM | Maybe he was just uncertain and wanted to see if a meeting would bring a 'spark'?
Guess it didn't and you're 100% officially righteous to move on now. I'm hoping you are one of the lucky ones who finds your forever real soon. | |
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| why would he do this?
Posted: 6/13/2009 3:24:12 AM | to Barbie & willothewhisper: thank you ladies for your kind thoughts.
well we texted /emailed for 3 wks; saw each other once; it seemed comfortable at first; but I realized rather quickly that it was all about him. I believe he was lonely & looking for someone who would go along with him & what he wanted & I was not an unknown factor. Of course I wondered in the beginning if we could make it work again; thats human nature, but it was not to be. He definitely did not want a relationship & was somewhat controlling to boot. Altho I do like a dominant man, I dont want to be treated like I have no opinion or that my thoughts or ideas dont count.
So thats that & I have moved on, not sorry we met up again, now I dont have to wonder (for those who would blast me, thats also human nature) ; it worked itself out in its own time.
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| why would he do this?
Posted: 6/13/2009 4:23:37 AM |
I believe he was lonely & looking for someone who would go along with him & what he wanted & I was not an unknown factor
In other words, you were a Plan B while he worked on another Plan A. | |
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| why would he do this?
Posted: 6/13/2009 4:34:39 AM | | I was involved in a situation similar to this last a few months ago, and am so glad that he is now totally out of my life. Leopards generally do not change their spots, and it made me reconfirm the fact that I am so much better off alone than with someone who is unable to be honest with me, who is immature and emotionally unavailable, and who thinks it is okay to toy with someone and their emotions. I feel sorry for these men, and a healthy relationship can never be based on that type of feeling. Women seem to want closure, and men who just do the disappearing act tell us right then about their fortitude, etc. You deserve much more than he is able to give, so be glad that he is gone, pat yourself on the back for avoiding more heartache, and keep smiling. | |
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| why would he do this?
Posted: 6/13/2009 4:45:18 AM | Well bless your heart Joanne...
**Takes the "E" off the end of Barbi and hides it...
These things do kind of work themselves out. Glad you've been able to move on.
Yeah, who really knows what his motives or agenda were, but you felt things and I think we have to pay attention to those feelings. But, I mean, if you're not really sure about something, then sometimes you just have to play it out, until you are sure.
It would be nice to head EVERY problem off at the pass, but that's just not possible. Hopefully we do live and learn though. So if a similar situation comes up again, then you may be able to just say..."Been there, done that. Not gonna do it again."
Now that's not meant as any kind of slur or inference about your powers of discrimination or anything. It's just if you're like me, I like to NOT go through unpleasant experiences, if I can help it.
Like I said, I'm not sure why they resurface, but often they just do.
Keep smilin' Love being you and the one who is perfect for you will be along shortly!!!
Kind regards sister fish...
...Barbi | |
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| why would he do this?
Posted: 6/13/2009 5:19:54 AM |
I think you can tell from a lot of the posts that many women have been in the very same position you have been in with this fellow. I can sure say I have. I worked with a great gal and she said..."Men resurface". And by golly...they do!!! I've had quite a few resurfacers in my life.
Right on, Barbi, we not only will resurface, we will redesign ourselves to fit the good ole memories that you have of us, and we will even try to reconfigure our methods of communication, compassion and understanding, all in an effort to try and get a smidgen of respect from someone who has meant a lot to us in our lifetime. ( What level of the respect required, various among men)
We wouldn't do it , if you were truly an evil  so and so. I think you should feel good that your ex-partner still has some feelings for you, but take it into your next relationship and don't try to repair an old fixer upper.
I like what Passion*Purple said about the broken mirror and for me it's one of those perfect analogies for this type of event. I'm using it now in my mind for an old relationship that I was thinking of resurfacing over.  | |
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| why would he do this?
Posted: 6/13/2009 5:37:01 AM | Sounds good Mooo...
I've not heard of women "resurfacing" before but I suppose it does happen. Seems for anything that a man will do, a woman will do it too and vice versa. Well I mean I guess there are some exceptions to that.
I just like to keep it simple. If a guy is doing something I don't understand and makes me feel pretty unhappy and uncomfortable, then I figure it's time for me to let it go. I'm sure it's the same for a guy.
Just before responding to this post, I had to break off a relationship. The guy was nice enough and had treated me okay. But there were things that just felt WRONG...terribly wrong. He's a real fast talker for one thing and whilst I can't prove it, I think he is in extreme financial distress. When asked about certain things, such as why I should not call him on his cell phone, (I was to wait for him to call me). Well he did a pretty fancy verbal tap dance on that. He's got more stories than Mother Goose.
My point is...it didn't feel right so I just went with my gut instinct and let him know that I didn't feel that I should or could continue to try to build a relationship with him. Will he resurface? My money says he will. But it really doesn't matter because I'm using the tools at hand and exercising my right to listen to and honour my instincts.
BTW...a great sense of peace has settled over me since I made this move. I pay attention to that.
Take good care and kind regards Moooo...
...Barbi | |
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| why would he do this?
Posted: 6/13/2009 5:43:36 AM | joanne,
he doesn't really know what he wants
he comes back home to familiar territory until
he's just indecisive
if i were you, i wouldn't let a man put me through this
you two are broken up for reasons, let it stay that way, don't let him back in
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