| A Misdirected Email
Posted: 6/5/2009 7:41:18 AM | Here is the scenario. I have been seeing someone for less than a month. I received an email from him, and after reading it, I realized he had somehow sent a communication to me that was actually meant for his brother. Unfortunately, the contents of this email are are far from the usual type teasing I have heard brothers do, and in fact, are distasteful in the extreme and even includes a reference to me.
So, here are my questions: Do all brothers communicate in private in a way, that by any standards, is considered out and out filth? Do you believe that this type of communication reveals a facet of this person's character that might reveal itself to you if your relationship becomes more intimate? If you really, really dislike this side of the person, do you break up and tell him why, or just keep the knowledge to yourself and take a wait-and-see attitude?
Both these men are mature adult males, and yet the email read as if it were two teenaged boys comparing and bragging in the high school locker room. It is so difficult to reconcile the sophisticated, humorous, educated man I know with the crude person revealed in the email. | |
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| A Misdirected Email
Posted: 6/5/2009 8:08:30 AM | Oh wow! That's a tough one!
I dunno. Maybe there's some kinda guy-speak to which we women are never exposed. I kinda doubt it. I believe when 2 people care about each other and spend a lot of time together eventually they are going to see all of the other's facets. But I guess there are exceptions... like spouses who didn't know their partner was a criminal or was leading a double life with another family elsewhere.
I don't know that I would feel comfortable discussing this with a guy I had been seeing for less than a month but I don't know that I would just write him off either. Maybe it would be easier to discuss via email? Maybe you can send his own message to his brother back to him without any comment beyond "I think you must have sent this to me by mistake." and see how he responds. Let him open the dialogue or kick his own a** to the curb. | |
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| A Misdirected Email
Posted: 6/5/2009 8:23:15 AM | Pazoozoo...ditch him.
Yes, some men talk this way to each other and those that do are total dogs. Not something you want to have to deal with.
My suggestion is to run the other way...fast. | |
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| A Misdirected Email
Posted: 6/5/2009 8:57:58 AM | | IT'S HIS BROTHER! Sorry to say, but us guys DO talk differently to each other, especially if they are brothers, then we do with women. And yep, we brag. We are always trying to "one-up" the other other guy. It gets less competitive as we get older, but it's still there to some extent. Some other guys are gonna come on here and say I am full of crap, or lie to you and say that guys aren't that way because they want to impress you and get in your pants, but being the youngest of 8 brothers I can say for a FACT thats how it is in my family and with every other guy I know ... well, except for a few, and they came from single child families ... or were gay! (Just as a note, I know a few gay friends that are the same way) | |
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| A Misdirected Email
Posted: 6/5/2009 9:05:52 AM |
Yes, some men talk this way to each other and those that do are total dogs.
Without details (and, no, I don't want her to give specific quotes. TMI! LOL!) I think that assumption is a lil' over the top. Some women... not all, but some... talk about men in much the same way when the girls get together, down and dirty. It doesn't make them wh***s any more than the above makes this guy a dog.
Granted, it does sound like Pazoozoo may prefer a more refined gentleman so he may be a dog in her book, but being more sexually aware and open than some others and engaging in a lil' locker room bragging rights doesn't make someone subhuman. | |
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| A Misdirected Email
Posted: 6/5/2009 9:11:33 AM |
Sorry to say, but us guys DO talk differently to each other, especially if they are brothers
That is exactly what I wondered. Does that sort of thing ever spill over into your relationships with women? I can handle knowing he does it as long as he doesn't include me, which is what he did. IMO, it is disrepectful for two guys to make a bet on when a woman will "spread" (their term).
We are only in a casual, get acquanted stage, and I'm trying to decide if it is amusing enough watching him try to seduce me to risk my reputation. | |
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| A Misdirected Email
Posted: 6/5/2009 9:20:02 AM | Doesn't really spill over into my relationships because I know that my brothers and I are always going to be that way with each other.
I don't think I have ever made that kind of bet with any of my brothers, or friends for that matter. But, (and this is just how my mind works), I'd find some way to get in on the money action and place bets through a third party that you won't be sleeping with him.
Might as well have fun and make money at the same time!
But truthfully, it isn't him being disrespectful to you, it's him being a guy in front of and with other guys. Even going back to caveman days, men have always been competitive and the one who won the most often was usually the one who ended up with the girl, this carries over into today's men in that we have an innate sense of needing to be competitive with other men, and for some that will take on the aspect of going as far as to make a bet with a brother/friend on when you are going to sleep with a girl.
As far as your reputation goes? Unless you plan on sleeping with him on the first couple of date ... I can't imagine how it would affect your standing in the community at all. | |
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| A Misdirected Email
Posted: 6/5/2009 9:52:01 AM | Well what do sisters talk about?
It think it is tacky to talk about a women "spreading" to anyone, even a brother.
I talk to my brothers (and sister) about who I'm seeing.
But not about porno details.
They WOULDN'T even want to hear about it.
And I certainly don't want to hear about their sex doings either.
(Bad visual there)
I think your angels misdirected that message for your benefit. | |
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| A Misdirected Email
Posted: 6/5/2009 10:19:50 AM | This is perfectly normal for males to do, and I dare say females have similar conversations. Will it spill over into the relationship, maybe or maybe not, but what you need to do is determine what it means to you now that you know he is this way with his brother. You need to make a decision before things continue as to whether you confront him, or ignore it, or you move on.
If you choose to discuss it then be clear with how it made you feel, what you would like to get out of the discussion, and be willing to hear the same things from him. Then you can both make an informed decision as to what happens going forward.
If you choose to ignore it then you must completely forget about it and never bring it up and not let affect any decisions you make going forward in regards to this gentleman. This is not easy to do.
If you choose to move on over it then great happy fishing.
Bill | |
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| A Misdirected Email
Posted: 6/5/2009 11:52:55 AM | OP, if you cleaned up the language/metaphors he used, would you be OK with the **attitude** he demonstrated in the message? That is, did the message simply express curiosity about the progress of a relationship (e.g., I wonder how long it would take before she'd be willing to have sex?)? Would you be OK with that (e.g., engage in the same kind of speculation among your girlfriends)? Did the message demonstrate something more along the lines of viewing women as sexual objects to be exploited? Would you be OK with that?
In my mind, language is one thing, but the values expressed are something quite different. | |
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| A Misdirected Email
Posted: 6/5/2009 12:21:22 PM | Windy, you are a gal after my own heart. At first I was a little tetched about it, but after reading the posts, I've decided to just have fun with the thing. So what if he is a twit? I know and like lots of twits. Goodness only knows, at my age and with my background, I'm certainly not a naive innocent.
We have had 5 social encounters in the last 27 days. I don't know if he sees me as a sexual conquest (pretty darned pitiful if a 61 yr. old is considered a sex object), or he sees me as his retirement fund. Either way, now that I've been forewarned, I don't hafta be concerned that we are going to fall madly in love.
I think I'll just enjoy the ride and see how long it takes for him to figure out not only am I not going to get "nekkid", I may become downright virginal.
Thanks to all the wise fishies. | |
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| A Misdirected Email
Posted: 6/5/2009 12:29:06 PM |
Windy, you are a gal after my own heart.
Thanks, darlin, but... uhm... I don't swing thataway. Besides, you're too old for me.   | |
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| A Misdirected Email
Posted: 6/5/2009 1:39:03 PM | | I'd go with your plan, OP. You'd give him the reason why you aren't talking to him any more, and you would get him to turn various shades of white and bright red. | |
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| A Misdirected Email
Posted: 6/5/2009 3:22:31 PM | | Ah....yes all brothers do communicate that way.Sucks doesn't it? | |
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| A Misdirected Email
Posted: 6/5/2009 11:34:14 PM | | I don't know what type of email was sent so I can't give you a good honest opinion on that. However, guys do speak differently to each other than to women and it depends on what type of guy it is. Everyone does it, not just guys. Women talk to each other differently, too. I know. They're brothers so it might just be how they talk. But maybe, he said something very wrong and derogatory, but I can't say because I don't know what was in that email. You have to make that decision for yourself. Ask someone you trust, like your brother if you have one. | |
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| A Misdirected Email
Posted: 6/5/2009 11:55:07 PM | People tend to mirror their audience as a way of communicating more effectively. I've said some very out of character things because that was how the person I was talking to expressed themselves. So if his brother is a locker room teenager, you friend might talk to him as one because it's the best way to communicate with him.
Even if that is the case, that doesn't excuse anything he's said. If he's been talking about things that really shouldn't have been said, then that's something to take up with him.
Otherwise, I'd take it with a grain of salt. If nothing else that he does fits the locker room teenager patter, it's probably nothing. If he does other things to reinforce that this is who he really is when not on his best behaviour, well that's a whole different thing. | |
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| A Misdirected Email
Posted: 6/6/2009 12:08:48 AM | I wouldn't feel comfortable with it. To me, it shows just exactly what is under the facade of sophisticated gentleman -- an arrogant boor who thinks of women in terms of when they'll "spread" for him.
He doesn't even have the excuse of being young, dumb and horny. This is clearly an entrenched and reinforced mindset in an older man.
Sorry, both him and his brother sound like total creeps. If it were me, I'd print off the email and stick it to his chest with a letter opener. | |
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| A Misdirected Email
Posted: 6/6/2009 4:43:39 AM | distasteful in the extreme
those are your words
I know everyone is trying to be helpful here, but only you, Pazoozoo, know what you can be comfortable with here.
My brother and I do not talk with each other that way. If we bring up sex and someone specific, if we need to get a point across, we do it with carefully chosen words.....I guess out of respect to the absent female parties. In fact, I talk with my sisters much in the same way.
In fact, I know very few guys who talk that way. I am serious.
The fact that he can switch on to this other personality means IT EXISTS!!!!!
I don't think you should make excuses for him.
Here is an example of what I might say to my brother......if he commented on how attractive a woman I had been seeing was, I might say that she and I feel very close, that I think of her day and night, that she is amazing in bed which makes it even better.
I might even goes as far to say that she has a strong sex drive which suits me fine.
He has hinted that his relationship suffers from lack of quantity (in his case, lucky him I really don't like that woman! and yes, I am honest about that with him also.)
I would NEVER say oh yeah, she was begging for @nal within a week and she arches her back during doggie like no one I have ever seen or yeah, it's like having my own whore always at the ready. NEVER.
Betting when you will spread? You know the answer because you have the email (ain't technology grand? Maybe he can sue Bill Gates on the premise he would have had a piece of a$$ had the email not gone out )
You know the exact language and can decide whether or not it was serious or joking.
But by looking at your profile, I see a woman who wants no part of this.
By the way, the last thing I consider myself is "sophisticated." But I bet I score higher in integrity than this clown every time. | |
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Phan59
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Joined: 5/26/2009
Msg: 20 | |
| A Misdirected Email
Posted: 6/6/2009 4:54:14 AM | Pazoozoo,
You said it yourself..."distasteful in the extreme' and 'by any standards, is considered out and out filth'.
Not a description of normal kidding around with a brother.
You're lucky you got this early RED FLAG.
I'd keep it to myself and keep looking.
Good luck! | |
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| A Misdirected Email
Posted: 6/6/2009 5:43:37 AM | | I find it hard to believe that you received that email by mistake, OP. | |
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| A Misdirected Email
Posted: 6/6/2009 5:49:02 AM | | Men, like any human, present different fronts to people based on their comfort level with them. Chances are the guy in question is very much in love and would never use that kind of language with his mate. His brother on the other hand, has access to a different level of discourse with the guy in question. They're more comfortable and probably accustomed to using vulgar terms with one another. Simple as that. I wouldn't freak out about it. | |
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| A Misdirected Email
Posted: 6/6/2009 8:13:40 AM | Well, it depends on what was said and what exactly he was talking about... it could be you're sensitive to certain things in general, and a guy can respect that, but when chatting with his bro or close friends, could be outright and joking around about the details of "fooling around".
I think when we are taken by surprise of being a fly on the wall overhearing things that do involve us, we're sensitive to it, so keep that in mind. Just because something brings a gasp doesn't mean that it's truly as bad as it made you feel at first... Think if a guy walked into a place where a gal he was dating was having her "Sex in the City" gal-pal open-talk and he overheard his gal describe and giggle about the things they did in the bedroom and not all to brag about and her sounding like she's in charge -- should he freak out?
Revised after reading next post:
So he was talking about a bet on whether "she" (you) would spread? Well, honestly, again, it depends on how it's presented, as odd as that sounds. He can REALLY like you, or think that you're maybe a prude, or only a prude on the outside, or whatnot, but with a brother, make a joking-not-really-real bet on whether you'd be "willing" at some point, etc. Obviously NOT a flattering conversation... but could be in a relatively harmless sense. Now, if it exposes him as not really being into you, and only trying to "tag you", that's really bad you should go. But just thoughts about having sex with you and wondering if/when it'd happen with "naughty" or in your words "filthy" thoughts? Guess what -- all guys (and at some point girls the other way) are thinking that.
I'd just tell him you caught the email... and say, "Soooo... tell me why I shouldn't believe that this is how you REALLY take things?" | |
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| A Misdirected Email
Posted: 6/6/2009 8:47:16 AM |
Do all brothers communicate in private in a way, that by any standards, is considered out and out filth?
No. Some brothers do, as do some sisters, but not all.
Do you believe that this type of communication reveals a facet of this person's character that might reveal itself to you if your relationship becomes more intimate?
Not necessarily. It may just be a brother thing, it might just be a man thing, it may become part of your relationship. Only time and gettting to know him on a deeper level will tell.
If you really, really dislike this side of the person, do you break up and tell him why, or just keep the knowledge to yourself and take a wait-and-see attitude?
I would take a wait and see attitude. I read further in the thread what was said. I'd be extremely guarded, maybe so much so that he would know something was up. That's just rude, crude and none of anyone's business. I wouldn't want anyone "betting" on me. That's just not right. On second thought, I'd break up and fill him in on the email. I'd say something like, "Guess what?! My friends and I have a bet on how long it will take before I get you to spread your wings and set you free and I won the bet, the day is today. Buh bye!" I really wouldn't say that, but I would want to! Bleh. Yeah, I'd move on. | |
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| A Misdirected Email
Posted: 6/6/2009 2:20:24 PM | One last thing....I have a sister who is a year younger than the OP.
Do you even have to ask how I would feel if he wrote about my sister that way?
How about you younger guys who have Moms around 60?
How would you react to some guy talking to pals about "spreading" your Mom?
Would you tell her to keep dating him?????
COME ON ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | |
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