| Fake Profile
Posted: 6/5/2009 9:03:57 AM | Are you a Fortune 500 CEO?
Have you won five or more gold medals in a single summer Olympic Games?
Are you a Venezuelan supermodel, a Nobel laureate, a trailblazer in Quantum theory?
If you composed an original score by the age of 8, became an M.D. as a tweener, or have checkmated Gary Kasparov in fewer than 30 moves within the last twelve months..
..keep reading! You might just be the woman of my dreams! ROFLMAO!
Anyhoo..allow me to introduce myself. My name is E.
As a woman I know you're deeply fond of subject lines as profound and thoughtful as "hi", "hello", "hey ur beautiful", "watsup" or as refreshingly honest as "i needz a mothr figur to mak it al betr".
AND..I know you love it when a "man" replaces the word your with "ur", you with "u" and even takes the time to misspell your first name! Wooow! I'm not sure if he's Ivy League or not, but he might CUT DOWN THE IVY now and then, and yard work IS an honorable profession!
I can't wait to upload 30 pics of myself without a shirt on, staring off to space in a dark room, no passion, no spark in my eyes or fire in my belly, no dreams and goals -- you know, the kind of photo that REALLY INSPIRES a woman!
So anyway, after my photos and profile, sprinkled with eye-catching adjectives such as "I'm really laid back", "I know how to have a good time", "I'm as comfortable in a t shirt and blue jeans as I am in a suit and tie", absolutely blow your mind, and YOU contact ME (and given that you're able to translate my third grade "textspeak" into English), maybe I'll even treat you to dinner (meaning you buy) sometime! (Sometime meaning in the next two to six hours, on a Friday or Saturday night, not that I'm in any way desperate or trying to rush things..and for Chrissakes, why won't you reply to my IM's on the dating site?)
And after I polish down my third fillet o' fish to your one at the local golden arches, I'll break out a Sharpie and start planning our life together on a yellow napkin!
Is this moving too fast for you? I certainly don't think so. After all, you've met ALL of my criteria. Female..check. Breathing..check. There might be more, but I can't think of anything for right now. Oh yeah, there is one more..
..you can't reasonably expect me to actually be a man..to date you long after we're married..to be strong when you need it the most..to see you for who you really are and celebrate your vibrant inner world. Sorry, just not me babe..
Oh, and a couple of quick groundrules.
Don't expect me to actually listen to you after you've had a hard day and need to feel understood, reassured and validated.
Then again, maybe I'll let you talk after I've slammed a couple of 40's and have the room zooms (and you don't mind me, in my inebriated eloquence, bitterly repeating the same story about how I got cut from the freshman wrestling team back in high school and life hasn't been fair ever since).
Second groundrule..I like keeping my place clean..I meannn..yourrr place. Unless you want to move into my mom and dad's basement with me. So make sure you clean up after us.
I don't work, don't plan on working, and am kind of fuzzy on the whole concept, so don't bring it up, unless you want to make me cry. In that case, I'll tune you out, polish off a bag of chips and go spend time with people who really appreciate me..my pixelized brothers-in-arms on Call of Duty! Hoorah!
And before I forget, my friend since kindergarten Mikey will be getting out of jail soon..and he'll be needing a place to stay..he's really nice..
..k thanks.
Yours truly,
Emasculated | |
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| Fake Profile
Posted: 6/5/2009 1:59:13 PM | Let me sum this up for you. "Nice guys finish last." This is just another thinly-veiled take on the old saw that women are all stupid and they love losers and bad boys.
Good heavens. This is the humor forum, right?  | |
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Posted: 6/6/2009 2:46:44 PM | I appreciate you reading, but I don't see at all how you came to
that conclusion. | |
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Posted: 6/7/2009 5:11:39 AM | Don't let her get to you dude. I thought it was humorous. Just long. | |
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Posted: 6/7/2009 7:28:07 AM | zeph...i couldn't agree more !!
OP....the fact that u (sorry, you) dont see how she came to that conclusion just shows
that you're feeling sorry for yourself because nobody 'understands' you.
Poor baby
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Posted: 6/7/2009 5:30:34 PM | Thanks ComicFan.
And lottylee, thanks for your opinion too. | |
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Posted: 6/7/2009 7:21:05 PM | | A minute and a half of my life Ill never get back...lol..great point but why so long? Hey tell Mike I said Hi and that I wont tell anyone...he will know what I mean...lol | |
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Posted: 6/8/2009 1:39:37 AM | ok OP, your post was quite amusing and well-constructed. But i really don't see what point you're trying to make other than, 'all the women on pof are stupid and gullible and always go for the players'.
If i really have got it wrong, please enlighten me. | |
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Posted: 6/8/2009 7:38:37 AM | Humor police.
Be afraid. | |
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Posted: 6/8/2009 12:18:35 PM | Thank you lottylee. It had nothing to do with 'bad boys' or
women being stupid. But if I was ambiguous then that's
my fault.
It was a parody of the kind of guy that women find the
most frustrating..uncultured, unemployed, play video
games all day, live with the parents..there are tons of
great guys out there, but this was a commentary on the
decline of certain masculine traits (protector/provider)
over the last couple of generations. | |
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Posted: 6/9/2009 1:31:48 AM | | I thought it was quite good and you obviously put a fair bit of thought and energy into this creative writing piece . To compliment you cost me nothing and I say keep up the creative writing. We all have an artistic side to us and not enough people exerecise their artisticness , whether it be painting , singing , acting , playing an instrument or writing these are known as the arts . We the critics can cut you down or build you up . The fact that you took the time to share your talent is an important thing . Keep it up. | |
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Posted: 6/9/2009 6:21:29 AM |
It was a parody of the kind of guy that women find the
most frustrating..uncultured, unemployed, play video
games all day, live with the parents..there are tons of
great guys out there, but this was a commentary on the
decline of certain masculine traits (protector/provider)
over the last couple of generations.
You sir, just reminded me why I am proud to be myself and why I will never change who I am.
Thank you for the laughs and what is the honest truth as well. =) | |
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Posted: 6/9/2009 6:53:31 AM | Thanks for that OP. It makes a bit more sense now.
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Posted: 6/9/2009 6:56:27 AM | MY DREAM GUY!!!! (sigh) Oh wait, this is a fake profile written in the spirit of creative wit and humor? You mean you don't have his phone number, bluemotion? Darn...
I found it quite funny... | |
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Posted: 6/9/2009 7:59:13 AM | haha, i think it's my ex !!
I was such a fool to let that one slip through my fingers.
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Posted: 6/9/2009 12:13:24 PM | | Thanks a lot for the feedback everyone, positive or negative. | |
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